Dumat: The Dragon of Silence (nearestvessel) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2013-08-25 23:27:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, castiel, samandriel |
Who: Samandriel and Castiel
What: After his conversation with his parents and Lucifer, Samandriel and Castiel talk about what happened between the pair of them and Dean
When: Sunday, 25 August
Where: Concert Hall
Rating: Medium, warning for talking about the kinky experience they had together, and the fact that despite slowly becoming an immortal, timeless celestial being, Samandriel is still shy of legal.
Status: Complete
The talk with his parents had gone better than planned (or drastically worse depending on your view, but Samandriel was trying very hard not to think about the tragedy for now since he was supposed to be still on a post performance high,) and the bounce in Samandriel’s step was visible. His mother had gone to take a call outside and his father was currently raiding what was left of the refreshments. Neither was a surprise, but Samandriel was glad to be free of both of them.
He’d said hello to most people, but only the sight of Dean with his father eating all the cookies they could get their hands on clued him in to the fact that Castiel had actually come. Looking through a different lens (because Samandriel had finally figured out how to sort of turn that off,) he grinned brightly when he found his brother’s light.
Weaving through the crowd was easy enough, and fortunately it occurred to him before he did it that maybe Castiel wasn’t the hugging type or that his parents would turn and see him clinging to some strange man and would somehow know that this man had done horrid, wonderful things with him. It was an odd sensation, seeing Castiel again with both their clothes on. Samandriel wasn’t at all pleased by his want to take the clothes off and touch him again.
Perhaps he liked Castiel rather a bit too much. “You came,” he said brightly, looking up at his nearly brother.
During the concert Castiel had managed to relax. He'd been able to close his eyes and picture the music in a way that most wouldn't, couldn't be able to. Of the people in this concert hall only Samandriel and himself had so far heard the songs of heaven. Samandriel played like that: beautifully, perfectly. His song had been in those strings and his bow. It had been beautiful. Castiel had liked it very much; had leaned against Dean's shoulder and just been perfectly content to be there and listen.
Now, though, with Samandriel practically skipping over to him and glowing with energy and saying the exactly wrong thing -- well. Castiel was no longer comfortable. You came. He had, in fact. Right on that pleased face.
He stilled immediately, looking at the younger angel with eyes that were a little too wide for the situation before they flitted away to gaze at the floor instead, and found that he had no words to offer at all.
There were a few things that Samandriel thought might happen. This wasn’t one of them, and as the distress hit him like a brick in the chest, rose to palpable levels, he found that he couldn’t stay where he was.
“Oh,” he said quietly. So...so Castiel didn’t want him around anymore then. That had to be it. Samandriel’s gaze fell and he nodded. “I understand. I’m sorry.” But that was all he said before walking past Castiel and heading back to sit in the darker corners of the now mostly empty hall. It was really a good thing that he’d managed to curb angelic instincts. He wanted to just fly out of there. His parents would notice, though, and he needed to be good for both them and Lucifer.
Unsure of how to proceed, Cas stood there blankly for a moment. He let Samandriel walk past him, while his own eyes scoured the crowd for Dean. His husband was not hard to find (because Dean stood out, always). He was easily found at the refreshments table, going to town on cookies like they were the best thing he'd ever had in his life, like he had no intention of stopping anytime soon. Cas sighed, vaguely (completely) distressed, and then, against his better judgment, turned on his heel to follow his little brother.
"Samandriel," he said, tone careful and slightly wary once he'd caught up enough. "I--" don't know how to begin apologizing. Can't stop picturing -- "You play beautifully."
Samandriel had his feet propped up on the seat in front of him and was trying very, very hard to keep from crying. He knew he was supposed to spend the night in his own house in his own room, but he was pretty sure he was going over to Lucifer’s the moment they thought he was in bed.
“Don’t,” he said, arms wrapped around his waist.
Castiel had always been a bit poor in terms of dealing with emotions, and it was only a shame that discomfort came easier to him than most things. There was a lot of that right now. Blankly, he looked down at the younger angel, completely unsure of what he was meant to do or say. It was so terribly difficult, because he couldn't look the younger man in the eye without being completely horrified over what they'd done. Over what he'd done.
He licked his lips, shifted on the weight of his feet and glanced up at the high, ornate ceiling. Perhaps it would be easier to talk if he didn't look at Samandriel. "I'm sorry."
“You’re the only reasonable family I’ve got,” Samandriel said tightly. He was crying now. He was trying to ignore that he was crying, but it was still happening. “And now you hate me and it’s all my fault.” Samandriel looked down at his legs in their black polyester and tried not to hate life too much. “Doesn’t seem like you have anything to apologise for here. Punishment, right. I accepted I deserved it.” He just wasn’t expecting this.
Finding himself a little shocked at the younger mans' assessment of the issue, Castiel had to look at him, eyes narrowed in obvious confusion. That Samandriel was crying didn't make things any better. Clearly he was ashamed, and felt as badly as Castiel had -- and now he was making the poor boy relive the humiliation.
"You didn't deserve that," he said, "Not at all. You did absolutely nothing wrong. Dean was just --" he paused, looked down at the floor because the ceiling seemed like a stretch now. "I do not hate you. But I would understand completely if you hated me. You should not have been put through that."
Samandriel frowned deeply. “I’m not talking about that, I’m talking about me...being glad to see you and you acting like...like I’m the most disgusting, embarrassment for anything human or angelic you’ve ever seen.” It hurt. Didn’t Cas get that?
“What happened...I liked what happened. I don’t like that you can’t even look at me, that I managed to ruin everything.”
Of course he didn't think Samandriel was disgusting or an embarrassment. If anything, he just wasn't sure why the younger angel didn't think that about him. He was meant to be an older brother to the boy, and had instead offered the worst kind of direction. Castiel had just allowed it, hadn't even thought to offer protest, not really.
"You liked it?" Cas seemed immediately bewildered, and had to force himself to sit down in the seat next to Samandriel, if only because he couldn't fathom standing anymore - his knees had gone rebellious on him. "But -- you. We--" He had to suck in a breath, both because he'd gone a bit dizzy and because it forced him to stop talking without thinking.
“Had an amazing time?” Samandriel said, eyes gone all red while he looked at Castiel. “I mean...it wasn’t so great at first when you looked like you’d rather puke burning holy oil than touch me, but it got better.”
That made Castiel go even quieter, if possible. The elder angel had a way of becoming almost unnaturally still, and he was managing that right now without even trying.
It took him a minute too long, but he swallowed, eyes turning toward the other man and just offered an expression that said he clearly didn't understand. How could he? That evening had been -- well. Barely consensual. And Samandriel --
"You liked it?" he repeated, barely a whisper. "You don't hate me?"
“It was overwhelming and exhilarating and...how could I hate you? If I really wanted out of the situation, Castiel, I would have just left.” He did have that power now. He reached up and wiped his face, unsurprised that it was his family by choice and not by blood that was sticking by him.
Oh. Cas leaned back a little in his chair, fixed his stare on the back of the seat in front of him. "It was overwhelming. I still don't understand it. But if you -- enjoyed yourself. Then. There are no -- well. We are still brothers, aren't we?" He'd been very nervous about that, almost sick with it.
Samandriel shifted in his seat enough to where it hit lower on his back. He let his wings out and curled one affectionately around Castiel while he reached to squeeze his hand. “We will never not be brothers, Castiel.”
Cas closed his eyes and smiled -- small but obviously relieved. "I was very worried," he admitted, as if that had not been clear. "But I'm glad for that." He returned the hand squeeze and kept hold for a moment longer than he needed to.
Samandriel looked down at their hands and said even softer, “I think you could run me through, and I’d not only forgive you for it, but still think of you as a brother.” The best of brothers. “What we’ve been asked to do with our bodies together, and what we might yet be asked to in the future…” He shook his head. “Bodies are trivial things, and in the end maybe it would help to think of all that as not only pleasing the men we love, but knowing each other better too.”
Dean had been right, Castiel realized, when he'd said that Samandriel had a more submissive streak than he did. Currently, though, Cas was grateful for it. Maybe he could even learn from it, because his words offered an odd amount of wisdom for a boy so young.
Samandriel tackled issues that had been mounting in him for what felt like days now with such simple explanations and ideas. It was -- well. Overwhelming in a different way. He nodded in agreement, but found he had no words to offer.
Samandriel smiled, and finally let go of Castiel’s hand. It was good to feel that shift in him, like maybe Samandriel had done something well, and he rather liked to see Castiel calm. Affectionately, he cuffed his brother upside the head with a wing before he let them shimmer out of view again.
“And I’ll still probably fall asleep on you if given the opportunity.” He trusted Castiel with all of him. There was no reason not to, particularly if his brother had been worrying over things for as long as he’d seemed to. To the angel, he mattered. It was more than he could say for his parents.
Castiel moved a hand to his hair (always a bit unruly and threatening to curl out of place) to fix it, as if those wings had done damage there. He offered a bemused expression and then nodded again. "I don't mind. So long as it isn't in the capacity of misbehaving." He gave a pause and then offered a little smile. "I am glad I came tonight. I was concerned. But it was very beautiful, and I'm pleased we had time to speak. I should probably go make sure Dean hasn't made himself sick from the cookies, though."
Samandriel smiled, and it felt good to do that genuinely again tonight. “Just tell him they’re reduced fat. It’ll probably trick his tastebuds into not wanting any more,” he teased gently. A brief pause and as Castiel was getting up to leave Samandriel said, “thank you, Castiel.” But he didn’t clarify what for. He simply smiled again and quite literally disappeared to go backstage and collect his things.
Cas stared at the spot that Samandriel had been in only a moment before, feeling that strange bit of envy for what he didn't have yet for only a moment before it washed away. He nodded again even though there was no one there to receive it, and then went to find his husband feeling lighter than he had in days.