Fang likes things salty (wild_luck) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2013-08-24 11:40:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, oerba dia vanille, oerba yun fang |
I was worried that you'd be so mad at me
Who: Fanille
When: 08/16
Where: Vanille’s place
What: Fang responds to Vanille’s desperate call
Status: complete
Rating: PG-13 for talk of violence and torture
Fang bolted for the door as soon as she had paid the cabby, and tried it first without knocking. She let herself in and called out. “Vanille? I’m here? Where are you?” She had kept looking at her own arm the entire ride over, but it was blissfully bare of nothing that she hadn’t had put there herself.
The shower was still going in the bathroom, which was indicative of where Vanille probably was. She hadn't bothered to move from the place she'd curled up on the floor. The phone was still in her hand, even.
She perked a bit when she heard Fang's voice, "Fang?"
Fang rushed into the bathroom, and felt her heart leap into her throat. Vanille was naked, and Fang had thought about that a lot lately, but she slapped herself. Now wasn’t the time. Slowly, she knelt next to her friend, finger brushing along the outside of her left thigh, tracing far too familiar lines. She let out a choked, relieved sob. “It’s burned over!”
"It's... it really is? Burned over? It's not active at all!?" Vanille let out a bit of a sob and flailed her arms in the air a bit, unsure if she really believed it or not, "Goddess, I wasn't sure what I was gonna do if it was active..."
Tears were still rolling out of her eyes, but now they were tears of relief, for the most part. It wasn't as bad as it could have been. It wasn't that bad, she was just still a l'cie.
Fang nodded her head, struggling to keep her own tears contained and be the rock that Vanille needed. “You don’t have a focus. There’s nothin’ that we have t’worry about. See?” She showed Vanille the brandless skin of her left arm. “Doesn’t mean anything.” She was shaking inside. But outside, she was shivering like a leaf.
Vanille ran her hand over the bare skin on Fang's arm, as if the action and the feel of it would be all the reassurance she needed. Fang's brand wasn't there at all, so why was hers there?
This wasn't, actually, the first time things from her dreams had shown up, but she'd lied about all of that. She never thought her brand would be one of them.
Tears were still rolling down her cheeks. She snuggled in against Fang, "I was so scared..."
The contact made Fang shiver, and she pressed her face into the woman’s hair. It was looking a little more pink than she remembered. She pushed that thought out of her mind. “It’s okay to be scared, but we’ll..cover it up. Get you a nice tattoo to mark it over. It’ll be like it’s not there at all.”
"Don't tattoos hurt?" Vanille didn't sound too happy about that idea, but covering the mark up was probably wise anyway. She'd have to buy some makeup or apply some plasters or something...
They'd think of something. She closed her eyes and let out a long, relieved sigh, finally able to stop crying, "I shoulda been honest with ya from the beginning. I've been dreamin' since I got here, almost..."
“They hurt a bit. But maybe we can make it into something that’s... you an’ not the fuckin’ fal’Cie.” She scowled, and pressed her forehead against her girlfriend’s. She stroked at her face. “You didn’t want to worry me. Just made me worry more.”
"I didn't... it wasn't just not worryin' you, it was that I didn't want 'em to be real at all, you know? And I was..."
She trailed off, and backed away from Fang so that she could look up and into her eyes, "I was worried that you'd be so mad at me. Because I didn't help, I wasn't strong enough and I was scared and you had to do it all yourself. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, Fang!"
A choked sound escaped Fang’s throat, and she shook her head vigorously. “No ...no I was never mad at you. I never wanted you to have to do any of that! You know I’d do anything for you, Vanille. Fight anyone that gets in my way, if I have to.”
"But we were supposed t'do it together, and you had to do it all alone, and we never even really completed our focus!" Vanille exclaimed. She really couldn't understand why Fang had been so forgiving of this in the dreams and she still couldn't understand it now.
“I never wanted you to have a focus to begin with! Oh Vanille. I would have dropped Cocoon onto Oerba if it would save you. You’re all that matters, all that ever mattered.” She kissed the woman, then. “And I think it worked out. We made friends…” Friends she almost betrayed, but still.
"We only just found each other again in mine... But I like t'think that they were my friends, all of them. Things were kinda rough though, with Sazh for a while there. I thought for sure he was gonna..." Blow his head off. She didn't say that.
"Dajh was our fault. I still feel horrible about that."
But it felt great to finally be able to talk about it. She wished she'd done it sooner. Talking to Belle wasn't exactly the same.
“It was our fault..” Fang didn’t feel as immediately regretful over that. She’d done what she had to to protect Vanille. There wasn’t time for regrets.
“I tell myself it was worth it. But I know it’s not. The kid shouldn’t have been chosen like that.” Fang made a face.
"And Serah..." Vanille sighed. That scene, the day Serah had turned into crystal. She'd woken up crying. Crying, and terrified of what Lightning would do to her if the woman ever found out Vanille's part in things. Not that there was a Lightning in their real lives, none that they'd found yet.
"It wasn't worth it, Fang. We didn't find my focus, we just got some kids into a lot of trouble. But maybe it all works out in the end, right? There's always a little hope."
Fang pulled Vanille into her lap, suddenly conscious of the naked, wet state of her girlfriend. She’d not noticed until now, due to their distraught state, and pushed it to the back of her mind. “Last...thing I dreamed…” She trailed off, unsure she even wanted to say it. Her grip tightened.
"You can tell me anythin', Fang... I shoulda told you everything right from the beginning, and I didn't, but we shouldn't hide anything from each other anymore." She glanced up at Fang, and nuzzled her lips against the older woman's jaw, "I know you came here t'be here for me, but I'm here for you, too."
“He tortured me. To try to make me into Ragnarok again… an’ when I wouldn’t give in…” She shook her head, voice thick with emotion, and looking a little rattled. “It don’t matter, jus’ dreams.”
She stroked her hand up and down Vanille’s back.
"Oh no... that's horrible!" Vanille didn't ask who the 'he' was. She wasn't sure she wanted to know. It was bad enough knowing that her friend had been made to suffer like that, "But it's only a dream, that's right, and we should... try t'focus on that. Even if stuff is showin' up, like my brand, it doesn't have t'mean anything."
She really wanted to believe that.
To protect Vanille, Fang decided to not tell her what had happened next. Except, she thought, what if being surprised by it would be even worse? Fang groaned and hugged onto Vanille tighter. “He tortured you next.”
"Goddess..." Vanille whispered. No wonder Fang didn't want to talk about this. She squeezed Fang even more tightly, too, "But I wouldn't have wanted you to give in, even then. You know that, right? You didn't, did you?"
Fang just looked away, swallowing and not trusting her words for a long, tense minute. "I wanted to save you...I ... that was all I thought about, but instead..the others turned into Cie'th. And I... transformed and attacked Orphan. He didn't like that..." She'd been tortured, again, agonizing. She could still feel the pain. "Begged you to run an'..y'didn't, y'stood your ground, an'..an' then I woke up."
"Oh, Fang..." Vanille let out a bit of a sigh. She could understand why Fang would do something like that, but she still knew that she wouldn't have wanted it. It seemed like the Fal'cie were trying to trick her. Vanille didn't like that one bit, "I wouldn't have wanted to run away from it again. The power we had, the responsibilities we had... I woulda stood my ground. Even without ... I would have, just for you."
“I just wanted you safe…” Fang’s voice cracked. She looked anywhere but the red-head, her face ashen and upset.
"I can't always be safe!" Vanille countered, a bit more loudly than she'd intended. Fang and Belle were both very protective of her. She'd needed that protection, thrived on it, but now she was beginning to wonder if it was hurting her and everyone else more than it was helping anyone.
“I know! Damn it I know an’ I know I...smother you an’ I don’t mean to I just… I lost you for so long and I never want to let you go. You’re the other half of my soul Vanille.” The words slipped out in a jumble, tripping out of her mouth in a rush.
Vanille had no idea how to respond to that. It wasn't actually a surprise, and it didn't feel wrong, but she felt like anything she'd say in response was entirely underwhelming. She chose to answer it with a kiss, instead.
A very intense, soul-searing kiss.
It was Fang’s turn to break into a sob. She patted Vanille’s wet hair down against her scalp, trying to pour all her feeling into a few soul-burning seconds of a kiss. And then the kiss was taking longer than that, and she thought she might drown in her own emotions.
What Vanille thought was that these were the kind of emotions she wanted to experience, the ones that she desperately needed from Fang to know that they could do other things together. That doing those things wouldn't screw anything up, that doing those things would last.
She broke it off and glanced around them, "Uhm... d'you want to go back to your place? I don't want t'be here right now, not to do the kinda things I uhm... would like to do with you."
Fang’s mouth went a little dry as Vanille’s words coupled with her state of dress made her mind go interesting places. She nodded, swallowing, and it took a moment for her to be able to trust her voice. “Heh. Yeah. Definitely. I'd… I'd like that.”
Vanille got up off the floor, then, and stepped back into the shower, "I'm gonna finish my shower up, go an' get me somethin' to wear? Then we can go back t'your place. Maybe get some dinner..."
Fang looked up at Vanille, mouth agape. She was still in that position for several minutes after, before she pulled herself to her feet and rushed to get her clothing. She didn’t know what would happen tonight, but she’d get to hug onto Vanille all night.
If Vanille had her way, it would be a great deal more than hugging.