Commander (the_commander) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2013-08-23 22:57:00 |
|
|||
Entry tags: | !complete, commander tyra shepard, dani moonstar (mirage) |
I don’t aim for the teeth. I aim lower
Who: Shepard and Dani
When: 08/17 after dinner and pool with Belle
Where: The Ranch stables
What: Talking and horse brushing.
Status: complete
Rating: PG-13 for languge
Shepard slammed the door of her hummer and walked towards the stables. She was still hung over from her drinking and poolplaying with Belle, and even a couple days after her wife leaving, it still felt raw. She didn’t even think she deserved to hurt. She didn’t believe that it was all her fault. Just because she dreamed of someone else...Jane had gotten distant. They could have fixed it.
In Dani's experience, there was a huge divide between 'could have fixed it' and 'should have fixed it'. Not that she had any idea what Shepard was going through at the time, but if she did, that's probably what she would have said.
She was currently brushing down her favorite horse, a dark-chocolate colored bay with a black mane. Even after two showers and 4 doses of ibuprofen, she felt like hell and smelled like coconuts. Hopefully Shepard's day had gone a little better since they'd last texted.
“Hey,” she said, as she stepped into the stables, deliberately trying to calm herself, if only for the sake of the horses. She had sobered up a bit and had spent most of the drive stewing. “She’s beautiful.”
"She's my favorite. I've always been partial to the darker colored horses. Not sure why... even in the dreams it was like that, though I had this palomino for a while that was just gorgeous."
Dani kept her own tone as neutral as she could, and didn't go straight into asking Shepard what was up. The woman came to talk, but she was as stubborn as Dani was. She'd talk when she was ready.
Shepard nodded her head, running her palm along the flank of the gorgeous mare. She wasn’t even sure it was appropriate, but she hadn’t really talked about it with Belle. Just mentioned and and pretty much moved on. She knew she needed to talk about it. And she couldn’t talk about it with her crew. She never wanted them to see her weak.
“Wife left me.”
"Shit..." Dani frowned, and handed Shepard the brush she'd been using, "Take a brush, it helps. Sometimes. OKay it really doesn't, but I'm good at pretending."
She turned around and pulled out a bottle, then waggled it in the air, "I can also offer you some stuff I'm pretending is moonshine, but it's really just cherry limeade with fizzy crap in it."
Taking the brush, she started to pet down the mare, a little too roughly at first. “I’ll take the cherry limeade.” Brush brush brush. “I saw it coming, but it still hurts like I didn’t.” She frowned.
Dani's hand covered Shepard's for a second to control the brush a little better. She offered over the cherry limeade with her other hand, "Seeing it coming doesn't always help. You can only prepare yourself so much for things that hurt like hell. Brush a little softer or the mare's going to kick you."
“Thanks.” Shepard obeyed orders, and brushed softer. “I don’t know what makes it worse… if she was right that I couldn’t love her enough. Or if the things I had to do to protect her and everyone else were too much for her.” She leaned forward and sunk her face into the mare’s fur. She wished she’d had more than the glasses she had actually had.
"If you couldn't love her enough... then you were never going to love her enough. There's no going back and making yourself love someone more than you already do. It's not possible. It just doesn't work that way," Dani replied, shaking her head.
She felt like she was speaking from experience. All of her love affairs had missed the mark. She'd loved Obi-wan enough to consider him as a potential father to her potential children, but he hadn't loved her enough to stay, and she hadn't loved him enough to beg him to. That's all there was to it, "And... if she couldn't handle the things you had to do to protect her, then... well, you never would have stopped protecting her. You can't not be yourself in a relationship."
“I thought I did love her enough.” Shepard snapped, stepping away from the horse and knocking back her limeade. “I thought that would be enough. I thought I had everything I wanted. But I also thought the nightmare wouldn’t follow me here.” No, that was a lie. She had thought the Reapers would come…
"Hey," Dani held her hands up in front of her, "We're just talking here. I'm the last person in this stall that's going to make snap judgements. But what I'm saying is that it's not on you. You loved her as much as you loved her, and I'm sure that was a great deal or it wouldn't cut you up like this. You married her! But it was up to her to decide if that was enough for her, and it fucking sucks, but that's how it is."
Shepard looked at Dani, and sighed. “Feels like I’m the bad guy, in all this. I know that’s not entirely true, but feelings fucking suck.” She snorted. “I thought we were working on our problems. I guess she didn’t want to.”
"Fuck no. You're not the bad guy. Did you give it your all or what? Of course you did, you're Commander fucking Shepard." Dani stole back her limeade to take a swig, then handed it back to Tyra.
“Guess I’ll be second guessing myself for awhile, but that’s nothing new. Plenty of things to second guess myself about, and most of them a lot more important than a stupid relationship.”
"It wasn't a stupid relationship, Tyra. It was your marriage. I know they say that women move a lot more quickly with this stuff, but even if that's true, marriage is a huge step. You didn't make that decision on a whim, right?" Dani shook her head and got out a comb to start working it through the mare's mane, "Hell, I still second guess me and Obi-wan, and that's... knowing that I don't love him anymore. Not the way he wanted."
“Of course I didn’t.” Maybe she’d flirted too much, or looked one time too many. But she’d always, always come back to her wife. Shepard was many things, and loyal was chief among them. She barely remembered what it was like to be single. “Maybe Wrex has the right idea, with the no tattoo.”
"Wrex..." Dani began, then snorted her nose a bit, "... is an angry Kroger man who got extremely hurt and decided to hide in his shell instead of dealing with it. I'm not blaming him for that - it's a reaction we all have - but I don't think everyone should put a 'no' on their ring finger over it. When life kicks you in the teeth, you have to kick it back, not surrender."
“I don’t aim for the teeth. I aim lower,” Shepard pointed out. “But I don’t deal as well with rejection as I’d like.”
"I like your style, Shepard," Dani said, with a bit of a chuckle. She worked the comb through the horse's mane a bit, nodding her head over the rejection bit. She wasn't sure that anyone dealt with rejection that well, but for someone like Shepard, it had to be harder.
"I think you're dealing with it pretty sensibly right now, for what it's worth?"
“I could be getting really, really drunk, but I figured there are more constructive ways to deal with it,” she replied, nodding her head in agreement. “LIke shooting things. I did a lot of shooting things.”
Dani shook her head, "Getting drunk is only a good coping skill for so long. Then it turns into a great way to ruin your life hardcore. Trust me on that one. When I hit bottom I was in the abyss. Shooting things is better. I take it out on the archery targets a lot these days. Or a punching bag."
“Punching bags are good. So is sparring.” Shepard stepped away from the horse, and leaned against the side of the stall. “So is not sleeping.”
"You can't avoid the dreams like that," Dani cautioned. She glanced over at Shepard, "Or is it just that you don't want to sleep alone?"
“I’m so used to waking up next to someone now. I miss the warmth, the gentle touches. I’ve kind of missed the latter for awhile now. Felt like she was pulling away and I was too damned blind to notice.”
"That was the hardest part when I kicked Obi out."
Dani'd never admitted that to anyone, probably because it went without saying to most people. Once you got used to sleeping next to a person, it was hard to sleep in a bed all by yourself.
"You want to sleep with me tonight?" The words came tumbling out of her mouth before her brain could filter them, and she instantly put both of her hands up like she was warding off Shepard's anger before it came, "I didn't mean that as a come-on. The bed's big enough for two people and we don't have to do anything but sleep."
Shepard grinned, folding her arms and giving Dani a steady, slightly amused look. “What’s the point of a bed that big then?” As far as she was aware there weren’t any friends she’d be pissing off by sleeping with Dani.
Dani raised both of her eyebrows, "Well, if you want to do something besides sleep in that bed, I'm pretty open to that, too."
Though Wrex might kill her. She really hoped Wrex wouldn't kill her. But after the day she'd had, having some life-affirming sex with someone sounded like a really, really good plan.
“How clean is that hay?” Tyra pushed Dani against the back of the stall, and didn’t wait for an answer.