Dani Moonstar's a survivor (ms_moonstar) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2013-07-27 14:36:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, !trigger warning, dani moonstar (mirage), obi-wan kenobi |
I had to move on... for MY survival...
Who: Dani Moonstar, Obi-wan Kenobi
What: Closure, pretty much.
When: 07/24 - they decided to push it up a few days.
Where: A diner near Urdnot Ranch
Ratings/Warnings: PG-13, Triggers for mentions of alcoholism issues.
Status: Complete.
For the last few weeks, Obi-Wan had felt he was and seemed to truly be at a stand-still. And the way he was listlessly leafing through his menu now was no different. It was a diner he had been to many times before, and like most diners, the menu was standard. He might have been able to select an item without looking, but what was happening now was that all the words were running together, creating blurry lines that couldn’t be read. He flipped through the pages blindly.
Was it fear he felt? Yes. Anger, too. Confusion, doubt, and a vague sense of guilt. He hadn’t told Faiza. Nor had he told Loras, nor Merrill, nor any of his friends. It was as if meeting Dani was something he wasn’t supposed to be doing, something he shouldn’t want let alone seek. But she had offered closure and that was what he needed, so he had accepted. Hopefully, it was only that simple.
But, as always, Obi-Wan had his doubts.
It was a hope that Dani shared - that things would just be this simple. They had a way of never being easy, especially where Obi was concerned, and she was still somewhat worried about her own emotional state. This was for him, of course - closure had always been kind of an issue with Obi - but Dani knew she wouldn't just be able to sit across from him like some kind of robot and repeat facts at him without feeling anything at all.
Especially if she told him the entire truth, all of it, which she was still debating. Not even Neena knew all of that, or Clarice. She'd hinted here and there, but with those two hinting was all she figured she'd needed to do. Obi was an entirely different story, and she worried that if she told him everything it would sound like some kind of plea for sympathy or clemency. She didn't want that.
So she sat in her truck for a long time, taking deep breaths and trying to settle herself, before heading into the diner. Her expression and emotional states were both guarded. She didn't want him 'sensing' things before she could talk about them, not if she could prevent it.
She slipped into the booth across from him, silently, and clasped her hands in front of her on the table. Now if she could only remember how to speak.
Obi-Wan fought the impulse to stand when she appeared, though not before hitting his knee on the underside of the table. The jolt on his face was more than he was comfortable expressing. The Force turned to static for a moment, and then it parted before him, creating a clear path as Dani's emotions filled the space. They mingled with his. Some were so similar that it was difficult to differentiate them as she came close, but his powers were more refined now. The confusion lasted only a moment. Obi-Wan felt his fear and anger spike, along with something else that he couldn't quite put a name on but was very much like an ache.
He was struck by how she looked the same as when they last saw one another, as if he had expected someone with a different face. From a distance, he'd seen Dani at the Ranch, but this was the closest they'd been. She was beautiful, her eyes were no less intense, but a marked weariness hung on her. She'd lost weight, some of it muscle. It was clear she'd been through the wringer; but even though he wanted to feel badly for her, that feeling didn't come.
Obi-Wan placed the menu down, the plastic lined pages flopping one last time. His lips didn't quite know what to do with themselves, as they silently thinned to a line. He looked down at the table to re-gather himself. He nodded. He lifted his eyes. "Hi..."
The last few months apart seemed to have done overall good things for Obi-wan's appearance and physique. That was a good thing, Dani thought. Other ex-girlfriends might have been insulted that their ex-boyfriend hadn't gone all sickly mourning their absence, but Dani just wasn't that type of person. He was a lot stronger than her, now - or at least it felt that way. She mainly just respected him for it.
"Hi," she replied, awkwardly. Then, since it was the truth, she looked down at her hands and raised her eyebrows, "I don't really know where to start. Do you want some coffee first?"
He nodded. Coffee sounded like a good place to start. If nothing else, it was something to get their mouths working. "That sounds... good," he said. He'd never been able to pass up on it anyway. So, when the waitress came by, he asked for some. Along with some French fries, two words that just spilled out of his mouth at random. He smiled a little sheepishly. "Och... that’s a healthy breakfast."
The 'och' melted through most of the guard Dani'd tried to put up, and made her smile fondly at him. It was a relief in some way, that he could still make comments like that around her. Maybe because it meant that they could speak to each other like regular people, instead of being formal like strangers might be.
She ordered her own coffee, and decided to go for a plate of fries, too, "We'll be unhealthy together."
The truth was, for a few moments, Obi-Wan had forgotten his anger. For a few moments, he had been happy to see her. He'd let down his guard. Of course, the moment he noticed this, up went those iron walls. His back stiffened, as if he was trying to regain his footing. After all, they'd always been unhealthy together, hadn't they? (Though perhaps he'd started telling himself that when he couldn't make sense of her leaving.)
"So... em, how are your meetings going?" he asked. He just wanted to keep the talking going.
Dani leaned back against the booth, noting his quick change in mood and wondering if this talk was going to be like a battlefield that kept shifting. Her brow puckered a bit, and she decided it was better to put her own guard back up, too, just in case.
Maybe part of her was hurt by the sudden change and then step backward. She reasoned that she deserved that, anyway, and let out a bit of a sigh, "They're alright. Well... they help a little, at least. I don't really embrace the spiritual links, though I feel like the prayer itself isn't hurting anyone. Accepting the things you can't change is a thing we all struggle with."
She shrugged a shoulder, "I don't want them to become a crutch, but right now they provide some real goals I can work towards."
Obi-Wan scratched his fingernail against the shiny surface of the table. It was noiseless. "Yes, I... went to a few NA meetings. Years ago. Don't take advice from me, though. I think it's a good method to see through, even if I was too stubborn for them, at the time." The prayer thing had stuck, for some reason.
He ran his tongue along his upper lip, feeling the questions he wanted answers to begin to rise up, accompanied by the memory of Dani's drunken shouts and cries through that damned motel room door. He could have broken it down, but he hadn't. He just... hadn't.
"Well, you have to want to listen. Honestly, the meetings wouldn't have been enough. Not if someone had dragged me to them months ago. Not even if I'd somehow swallowed my own pride enough to go on my own," Dani admitted. She tucked one of her braids over her shoulder, and wished their coffee would come faster so her hands would have something to do.
"It's true, I mean. Everyone's got their own bottom, and I think to want to change you have to hit it. Or at least you have to realise what you're doing to yourself. Don't mind me. I sound like a self-help book a lot these days."
And with that, the coffees did arrive. Obi-Wan picked up some sugar packets and gave them a few flicks with his index finger before tearing the paper. When he'd needed help, he'd taken up boxing, and punched it out until the violence repulsed him. "Or what you're doing to others," he said dryly. Honestly, he was speaking about himself as much as Dani.
"Right," Dani nodded, after taking a sip of her coffee, "Interventions like that sometimes work out really well. Making someone aware of what you're doing to them. For me, that was part of it but the bigger part was becoming someone no one in my former life would respect. Someone I didn't recognize anymore."
She pressed her hands around her coffee mug and tapped her fingers against the side of it, "I wanted to be someone worthy of respect again."
Obi-Wan pressed his lips together again as he stirred his coffee. Was this some form of apology that she was beginning to form, or had she stopped there so that he had an opportunity to initiate it himself? Whichever it was, he felt the steam rise again. Realizing how far you'd fallen was one thing, actually making amends was something else. But he didn't want to lose his temper. He bit his tongue and nodded.
"But that was after things a lot worse than just running away from you." Dani figured that was all she'd mention about the way worse things. She'd already come to the decision that she wasn't going to bring up most of her struggles, since they had nothing to do with him. Instead, she took a long sip of her coffee, and started off with, "James died. I thought he was, before, but I was never never sure. I got a letter in the mail about it, because I was the only one left to contact."
She shrugged one of her shoulders, and shook her head. Talking about it even now was hard, but this part she really did need to mention, "It was never really settled, with him. I told you before, how he left. Don't think I don't understand how I made you feel about everything, because he did the same thing to me... and I guess, it was like someone shoved open a wound I thought was closed. And I couldn't deal. I knew I should. I knew it was cowardly to just run away. I didn't want to lean on you anymore, I'd already done that enough. I didn't want to lean on Scott. I had to handle this, but my way of handling it was pretty damn messed up. I didn't even do anything about a service. I was... lost, and angry."
Obi-Wan’s hands remained around the coffee mug until the heat was too much and he had to pull them back. Beneath the table, he brushed his palms against the fabric of his jeans. James was a name that he recognized quickly, even though it had been so long since Dani left; it was a name he had never been too keen on hearing. He tried to listen now, though. He tried to hear everything in spite of the way it was making him recoil, which he couldn’t help.
“It wasn’t the running away that tore me up,” he said. “It was that you didn’t want me to be part of what you were running towards. Going back to. I don’t know and I can’t know. But I wanted to be a part of it and you wouldn’t let me.”
"The thoughts in my own head, mainly," Dani responded, after taking a few moments to think things through.
"There wasn't anyone or anything to really run towards. And... Right. I know. I shut you out, I didn't let you be a part of what I was going through, because... I didn't want you to see me like that. I think I felt like you'd seen me at my worst enough, and this was pushing the limits of that. Or maybe I couldn't bear your disapproval. Because I knew you'd disapprove. I knew what I was doing wasn't okay."
That was pretty close to an apology, though Dani hadn't come to the diner specifically to apologize. Really, more to explain herself, because she felt he needed an explanation. Still, the words slipped out of her mouth so suddenly that even she looked a little surprised by them, "I'm sorry, Obi."
Tears had already begun to form in his eyes, but now his vision blurred. Obi-Wan looked to the side, into the booth, as the waitress returned with two orders of French fries. The conversation suddenly felt like too much for a diner, but he reached for the potatoes and pushed a few into his mouth, perhaps just for comfort since he certainly wasn’t hungry. They tasted good.
He chewed, he swallowed. “I might have disapproved, but I still wanted to be with you. I loved you, and... I know I was far from the perfect boyfriend, but I still would have...” Obi-Wan paused. Though he was choking up, he reached for more fries and ate them, and wondered if it was wrong to talk about this when Faiza had no idea he was here, especially since things weren’t exactly picturesque at the moment. “...Maybe I shouldn’t have left that motel.”
The fries did smell good. They were a great place to focus, since looking at Obi's face was very hard. The man was rarely moved to tears - he was as stubborn as her in that department - and Dani knew he wouldn't want her to stare at him or draw any attention to it.
Also, it was completely heartbreaking. She knew if she kept looking at him she'd end up in tears, herself, and she didn't want that. So she squirted some ketchup onto her plate and popped a few fries into her mouth, glad that they tasted so good. Chewing gave her time to think, and she eventually shook her head, "You can't look back on that and ask yourself about what-ifs. And... in this case, I think... maybe you would have stayed, and maybe that would have prevented what happened to me afterwards, and maybe it would have kept us together. But eventually, the drinking still would have been a larger problem than either of us."
"I think I needed to fall that far. I don't think I'd be sober today if I hadn't. I needed to ruin my life that badly, and I don't like to think about how horrible watching all of that would have been for you, because you'd have been dragged right along."
"Maybe," said Obi-Wan. He'd always had a difficult time getting caught up on what-ifs. He preferred to take responsibility, even when it wasn't rightfully his. Perhaps especially in those cases. It was more accurate that he blamed himself for just about everything that went wrong. This was really no different.
"But I'd been through so much of what you were going through. I could have... See, I know why I pushed others away; and eventually there was someone wouldn't let me do that to them. I could have been that for you. Should have. I didn't realize what it was like from the other side, what I should have been listening for. The rejection was more than I could hear." He paused, his gaze turning inward. Faiza still hadn't convinced him she wasn't holding out hope for Dane. "It still is."
"I don't really think I meant it as rejection at the time, so much as..." Dani frowned, trying to get her thoughts in order. She'd been previously under the impression that he'd moved on, and now it was sounding like that wasn't entirely the case. It threw her off guard a bit.
"...I needed to handle that alone. I can clearly remember that part, along with the part where I didn't want you to see me. I don't really, actually, remember everything that was said. But... Obi... How we handled that reflects so much on how we handled everything. I was a horrible influence on you. I spent more time scolding you than just enjoying your company. I wasn't really a very good girlfriend to you. I yelled at you for not fighting for me or by my side and then I didn't let you. And ... I thought you were doing better, now. You look really good."
He rolled his shoulders back, unsure if he agreed with her on more than one point, though he'd voiced the same on his own, when the wound was fresh. They would come together and spar without actually fighting one another. Tempers would flare, they'd give into childish behaviors. Perhaps they'd always been destined to come apart at the seams.
"Work has taken off," he admitted nodding. Work was vital to his well being. "Merrill had her baby, so now I'm Uncle Obi." A warm smile briefly crossed his face. "My powers are still improving. I have a student now, actually. He's... incredibly silly, at times. And... I have been seeing someone... But it's been... Things have been a little difficult recently, which I know is understandable, but still frustrating."
Dani snacked on her fries as he spoke, quite suddenly realising how hungry she was and wishing she'd ordered something a little more substantial than fries and coffee. Seeing him smile like that instantly made her smile a bit in return. She remembered Merrill and how close he'd been with the Baggins family in general, and was glad that he could be an Uncle to some lucky kid.
"... What does Loras think of her?" She found herself asking, when he paused. Loras's opinion was still pretty important to him, he figured, and was probably very telling.
“Loras hast has his doubts,” he replied slowly, drumming his fingers on the table. He followed that by picking up a few more fries. “As always. I think he secretly hopes I’ll fall for his sister... but...” He shook his head. Margaery was a sweet girl, but that was where it stood, and there was no chance of his perception changing.
"I'm sure he wasn't happy to see me back, either. He's always been very protective of you."
Dani frowned. She'd been hoping that Loras liked the other woman more, because that would have been a lot easier. But since they didn't have that to go on, she decided to just get right to the point, "Do you love her?"
Now that was something Obi-Wan did not doubt. It was possible he'd fallen for Faiza hoping to regain something that he'd lost, but that didn't lessen what he truly felt for her. "Yes..." Still, his voice trailed off. "Do you really want me to talk about that?"
"Yes, I do. I... Want to know what she's like when she's not fixing us up, how you met, what you love about her the most. I... Really just kind of want to hear you gush about her," Dani replied, smiling a bit. And, of course, she wanted to know how Faiza treated him, how far they'd gotten, or if he'd changed much at all in that department. Those words, she didn't say. But mainly, she just wanted to bask in his happiness a bit. And she thought that if he talked it out it might help him with whatever difficulty he was having.
Obi-Wan scratched the back of his neck. Sensing Dani's interest made him sincerely uncomfortable, not that he ever enjoyed talking about himself, or gushing about anything; but to him, there were a hundred reasons why this topic was inappropriate. He pressed his lips together and shook his head. "I don't think so, Dani. Sorry."
She shrugged her shoulder, "Alright. I just thought talking about it would help you figure it out. But we're obviously not at a place where we can just do that."
And that, she figured, was pretty much that. She'd made her apologies, she'd given him her explanations, and he was closing himself up like an umbrella after a rainstorm, right on schedule. She pulled out her wallet, and dug out a twenty dollar bill, "This ought to cover the check. I really do wish you good luck in the future."
And with that, she slid out of the booth and started making her way to the door.
Watching her leave was certainly a viable option. At last, he'd gotten that one last chat with Dani, an explanation, a reason to believe it wasn't all his fault--and Obi-Wan knew that, eventually, it would all sink in.
But the fault lines in his mind were still grinding. There were things going unsaid, a side of the story that only he could bring closure to. Obi-Wan didn't know if watching Dani leave would make or break anything, but the opportunity was his, and he didn't want to see it pass by. "Wait," he said, before she was fully out of the booth. His hand fell from his neck to the table with a sigh. Just one more thing. The plea came with a burst of psychic energy.
Obi-Wan waited for Dani to sit down before continuing, organizing his words as quickly as he could, knowing it was very possible that this could be his only shot. "I know you were... trying to survive the only way you felt you could," he began slowly, still searching every corner of himself for what needed to be said. "But I... still feel this anger. It could be irrational. When I went back home, I thought I had forgiven you. I hoped you'd be alright, regardless of everything; I just wanted you to be okay. But, after a while, I also needed to forget you. I had to move on... for my survival... because for me, you had just become one more person on this long list of people who had left me behind. And now that you're back, I realize that I haven't really forgiven you, and that I don't fully trust Faiza because of you."
Reaching for his coffee, he finished what was left of it, to bring some life back into his dry throat. There was more conviction than tears in his voice. "I don't exactly want to put that on you. I don't want to hold it against you. But I do. And it's... eating at me."
Dani's eyebrows raised a bit as he began to talk, then continued to raise as he spoke. She'd placed her own hands in her lap when she'd slid back down into the booth, and as her eyebrows raised into her hairline, her fingernails bit into the flesh of her palms.
She wasn't angry at his inability to forgive her - not for her own benefit, anyway. What she was angry about, she realised (when she made herself think through her feelings instead of instantaneously letting herself go into a rage), was that he said the words like he was looking for something - anything she could say - to fix the situation.
Her lips tightened. She wished she had coffee left in her cup, though she was just as likely to lob the thing at his head if she lifted it in her hands. Instead, she counted to ten and then said, as calmly as possible, "If you don't want to forgive me, that's fine. I never asked for your forgiveness. I didn't expect it, and I don't think I've done anything to deserve it. You're allowed to be angry. You're allowed to feel however you want to feel about it. I had to forget you, too. I had to move on, too. Everyone does what they have to do. But I'm not the one you're hurting, and i'm not the one you need to be talking about this to. I said I was sorry and I meant that. What you do with it is up to you."
Obi-Wan knit his brows together. He was... confounded. It was like a cold pang, an icy slap, the way her fury flared, when all he felt he had done was try open up to her. What had she expected him to say, he wondered, if this could throw her so? ...And then Obi Wan wondered why he had expected this to end any differently. He didn't want anything from her--he certainly didn't believe she could fix anything--other than a sense of understanding, but it was the same cycle as always. He was struggling with his anger, but Dani was an angry person--and long gone were the days when it held any sexual power over him. He only felt repulsed. And disgruntled. And sad.
His eyes still glistened as he pushed away from the booth. "In that case, I'm just sorry that whatever it was we had turned into this."