Alma Wade will not give up (its_my_nature) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2012-05-27 15:16:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, alma wade, roy harper (red arrow) ii |
"His name is Michael Beckett. I..do not know him. I have never met him."
Who: Alma and Roy
What: Late night talks and gentle rejections. Also Roy has a dream!
Where: Udrnot Ranch
When: Same day as this log
Status: Complete
Rating: PG-13 for inappropriate thoughts.
It was much later in the night. Closer to early morning. Alma had woken in a cold sweat, but she felt very warm at the same time. She padded through the Ranchhouse, looking for where Roy was sleeping, and peeked in. creeeeepy
Roy was asleep at the moment, actually asleep thankfully, in the back of a room where some of the residents were also asleep or mostly there. She'd probably have to slip in if she wanted a closer look.
She hesitated a moment, before slipping in. He didn't look so much like the man in her nightmare, the one she assaulted, which was a relief. The nicer dream had had him in it though. But it hadn't felt as ...real...as the nightmares. It was how she was able to distinguish them. Roy wasn't a nightmare dream. She squatted down next to him.
Roy was lost in a dream of his own right now. It was apparently at least not unpleasant, but his face was scrunched up anyway, like he was annoyed or something. In his dream, he and his friends, and he knew these people were friends, even if he'd never met them in the real world, people he'd fought and worked besides were being invited somewhere apparently awesome...And THERE was Batman again. How the hell did he keep cropping up? Where he and Dream Oliver like best friends or something? And...Roy noticed with a little start, the other two there...He'd been running from them in the dream where Oliver shot him. Potential problem there? Well, he tensed.
Alma sat on the bed, or couch, or whatever it was, and stroked her hands through Roy's hair. It was so soft. She understood what it was like to have strange dreams. Was he a monster in his too? Or were the monsters coming to get him?
That was...a complicated question to answer, really. Tonight, he was mostly just pissed off. They were being treated like a bunch of KIDS. All of them. Admittedly, okay, the friends he'd come here with were young but that didn't mean anything in the long run. No reason to treat them like...like sidekicks. "Deserve better than this." Roy muttered in his sleep, and he didn't sound pissed off there at least. So that was, maybe something. At any rate, the dream went on and Roy realized that he was the only one in the group who was seriously pissed off at...Oh. Nice. Oliver was lying to him. Batman was lying to him. They'd been promised a tour and somehow, Roy could tell... "This isn't...real HQ..."
Squinting her eyes and tilting her head, Alma strained to hear what he was saying. She continued to stroke at his hair. Nothing he was saying made sense.
And then, well, things got even worse in the dream. Roy apparently had more to say and it was coming out now, as he stood in front of the huge blond surfer guy. "Not your son." he snapped, and then his gaze fell on Oliver. "I'm not even his!" and then there was something about thinking they were partners, and Roy reached up to throw off the hat he was wearing and...That was when he realized someone's hand was up there and he jerked awake, blinking hard. Really hard. "What the..." he asked, and then blinked as he stared at. "Oh. Awkward."
"You were dreaming," Alma announced, keeping her voice low. "Are you all right?"
Her eyes seemed to bore into him.
"I'm...yeah, I'm okay. It wasn't one of the particularly violent dreams." Roy explained, also keeping his voice low. "Just kind of...weird. Hey, are YOU okay? I mean you probably shouldn't be..." he nodded to the rest of the group. "Well, guys and all." Teenaged Boys. You know. Not that he thought they'd DO anything or even say it. But they might THINK it.
"You would not hurt me," She replied softly. "I understand. About violent dreams. I sometimes cause the violence in mine."
"It...yeah. My last really violent one, well, I went a little crazy." He admitted, eyedarting. "In real life I mean. And I was...somehow the reason everything went wrong. I haven't figured out HOW yet, though. That part's a mystery."
She leaned down, hugging him awkwardly, "It had to have been an accident."
Roy blinked and kind of hugged back, a little, even if now might not be the best time. "I'm hoping it was. And well, it was a dream. I keep telling myself that."
"Dreams should not...mean anything. I try to tell myself that and I never believe it. I try to...you should too."
"You're right." Roy smiled a little. "Maybe we can, I don't know, make the effort together or something."
Alma lifted her head, which she'd rested on his chest, "I would like that..."
"Then we'll give it a try." Roy smiled. "Good to know I'm not the only one and all."
"I should..go. I just could not sleep." He smelled so good, though.
"Dream of your own you want to talk about, or just settling in here?" Roy asked her, a little worried.
"Both."
"Well, hey." Roy got up, glad he'd gone for wearing sweatpants tonight, along with his shirt, and not just boxers. "We could maybe go for a quick walk if that would help, and you could tell me then." Because they'd all be okay in here, he was pretty sure.
She got up and slipped out on silent feet, to wait for him outside. She wanted the air, anyway. It was suffocating in there.
Roy shuffled into a pair of shower sandals and then joined her outside a few minutes later after doing a quick check and headcount on everybody. "So..." he said, as they quietly walked down the hall a bit. "What was your dream?"
"Tonight, I dreamed about them taking away my baby. I dreamed about being dead. Like a ghost. Or a psychic impression." She folded her arms across her chest, "I dreamed I attacked a man." I also dreamed about you but that one was embarassing and didn't feel as real.
Good Lord. Those sounded, well, horrific. Roy's expression went more sympathetic than before even as he touched her shoulder lightly. "Wow." He said. "Those are, well, they're really bad. I'm sure that attacking whoever it was, you must have had a reason."
Alma hesitated, then dove right into it, "I wanted to have sex with him."
"Oh well..." Roy tried to think of something to say to that. "Dreams can be kind of...confusing that way. Anybody you knew?" he wondered, a little curious, and well, it'd probably help her to talk about it a bit more.
"His name is Michael Beckett. I..do not know him. I have never met him." She shifted closer to Roy, "He is a soldier."
"A soldier, hmm. " Roy nodded slowly at that. "It's funny. My dreams have people like that. That I'm supposed to know but can't connect with anything." In particular, he found himself thinking about two of the others from the dream tonight that he'd noticed before over time. A short black haired kid who was kind of chirpy and annoying and a redhead who he got the impression he wasn't related to, but he knew him really well anyway. Sort of like family in a way. "I'm not sure if that means anything or not, really."
"They could be stand ins for people we know." She looked at Roy out of the corner of her eye. She could seem him as a fighter, or a soldier type. And if her dream about him was any indication...
That might be a little awkward. Roy wasn't quite sure how to respond to that part actually. "Funny thing is, there ARE people I know in mine. Some people." He shrugged a little. "So it's kind of hard to say. But maybe it's some kind of different reality."
"That is unlikely," Alma replied. "...but not impossible." She fidgeted, then hugged onto him, "Mine is not a reality I would ever want to visit."
"Well, I'm betting we can keep you safe from that." Roy found himself patting her back a little, trying to make her feel better the best way that he could. "Some realities are horrible like that, but at least we're safe in ours, right?"
"For now." She rested her cheek against his chest, "My employers lack morals. I am afraid I've gotten people hurt because I am running."
"Well, why don't we check up on them and see later on?" Roy suggested. "I'm pretty sure they're all okay and just want to make sure you are too. And anybody who would do that, well, it's their fault, not yours. It's not like anyone should be doing anything to hurt you either."
She nodded her head, peering up at him, "Thank you. I have been thinking about so much lately."
"I bet you have." Roy nodded. "And that's not something that you should have to do right now." he added. "You should have time to just relax and feel normal, not so completely stressed or worried about anything."
"I have inappropriate thoughts about you." She studied his reaction. Closely.
Roy looked, well, pretty awkward at that. He didn't want to hurt her by letting her down, but he couldn't let her think that he...that this was possible. "I uh....guess that's pretty natural." he hedged, looking uncertain. "Illegal but I'm flattered."
"It would only be a misdemeanor in this state," Alma pointed out, hoping her guess at his age was close to correct.
"Yeah, but even so." Roy told her seriously. "It's not the kind of thing in this work where it'd be allowed. I mean, don't get me wrong, you're very sweet and I appreciate it but...Well..." Yeeeah... Not really going to happen just now. He couldn't risk that. "It gets closer to your eighteenth birthday, maybe." Wrex would kill him if he tried anything
Alma frowned. She should have expected rejection, it was logical. He reasons were logical and she didn't want to repay his kindness by getting him in trouble. So why did it hurt?
Because that kind of thing did hurt, usually. Roy sighed as he looked at her and tried to think of some way to make it easier. Not that he had one, really. He'd never had to do this kind of thing before, actually. He should have known it would crop up, but well, he'd mostly been working with the guys on a closer basis, and even if some of them were into him, they weren't going to be likely to say it. It...he felt bad, yeah. "I'm sorry." he said quietly. "It's just, you know, not going to be able to happen so I can't let myself even think about it. It's nothing against you."
Alma nodded, trying to not look as vunerable as she felt, "Your reasons are sound...." She hadn't even known what she was expecting. She hadn't even planned on bring the subject up until told him.
Roy did feel bad for hurting her, but well ,what else was he going to do? "Besides." he added, quite serious. "I don't think I'm smart enough for you in the long run. And well, we don't know each other VERY well."
"You are probably right. I am just not used to not being in control of my own..urges."
Roy slowly nodded at that one. He'd been there himself, and recently. Not sexual ones but. "That can be hard." he said, nodding. "You sort of feel like you have no idea what you're doing and all, yeah? Just that you kind of...have to do it, without really thinking it through? That's something everybody older tells me goes away. Well, for women it's supposed to be sooner at least."
Alma suspected there were certain things in place to keep her mind focused on important things, but she had no proof beyond what she'd learned about Project Demigod. She changed the subject, "What..happens tomorrow?"
"Well, tomorrow I'll bring you by to meet Wrex and we'll make everything official, which shouldn't take all that long." Roy told her with a smile. "Then, well, there are different activities to do, things to learn. I've got some archery classes going, and later on..." he eyedarted the smallest bit. "I'm doing sort of a talk about things to do in society once you're legal age, if you don't have anything to go back to. Tips and things." he eyedarted.
"What sort of tips?" She dropped her arms to her side, swaying on her feet slightly. She wasn't sure what she was going to do, now. Her skillset was somewhat limited, but she thought she could learn something new, pretty quickly.
'Well, ways to get apartments to let you rent even when they wouldn't go with somebody that young without a cosigner, places more willing to hire you on, community resources I wish I'd known about. Things like that." Roy smiled at her. "We have actual professionals who come to help you build up resumes and things but it's important to know what's out there too."
"I see." She eyed him, like she was trying to decide if she should be more truthful with him.
Roy glanced back and wondered if he should say more, but, no. He'd probably said enough so far. Nobody needed to know the details of his lifestory, which looked like a joke compared to most of the kids he worked with. It wasn't much the same at all. He'd had more choices and just been stubborn and stupid.
That didn't make his experiences any less valid or his life any less difficult. She walked over and hugged him.
Well, no, that was true. It was more that Roy was feeling kind of...stupid about it all these days. He hadn't been before, but well, he'd been forced to acknowledge his role in all of it lately, especially since he'd started actually talkiing to Oliver again. That was when a crazy though occured to him. Oliver could show up one night to talk to the parents of the kids who might be coming home from the ranch. Sort of a What Not To Do or something. The idea was kind of amus... He stopped the thought and hugged Alma back instead.
She was still thinking inappropirate thoughts, and feeling inappropriate feels, but his arms were warm and strong and comforting and it was that she needed most of all.
"I'll get you through this." Roy told her, quite serious now. "I...know what it's like to be completely unsure where to turn, and, well, to need people. If I can help at all, I will. Promise." He added.
Alma stood on her toes, pressing her lips against Roy's, before she could stop herself!
Roy blinked, and sort of got a deer in headlights look there before he pulled away. He couldn't respond, even though he felt like an asshole, so instead he awkwardly patted her hair.
"...." She turned away, stunned at herself. It was like in her dream! Only in her dream she was trying to get more than just a kiss from Becket. She'd been rejected then, too, "I am sorry."
"I...you don't have to be sorry." Roy told her. "Just you know, not the best of ideas."
"I know." She took a deep breath, "I will not cross boundries again. It was wrong of me."
"Thanks for that." Roy gave her a grin. "It's okay though, really. I mean nobody's in trouble. We'll get it all sorted though, together. You up for that?"
She nodded, looking at him again, "I should try to sleep again..."
"That would be a good idea." Roy nodded. "Walk you back?"
"Please."
Roy offered his arm to walk Alma back to her dorm, careful to be appropriate about it, but not holding her at arms length either. Right now, he wanted to be her friend at least. He could do that and intended to do it well.
She took his arm, leaning against him slightly. For the moment, the mental demons were at bay.