Castiel Novak (funnyinenochian) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2012-05-24 22:05:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, castiel, roy harper (red arrow) ii |
Who: Castiel & Roy
What: Roy pays a visit to his surprise, online 'life coach'.
When: Thursday Evening
Where: Kaiser Hospital Mental Ward
Rating: G
Status: Complete
Roy’s life had taken a shit ton of turns the last week, and most of them were pretty damn bizarre, resulting in, well, okay, he wasn’t going to bullshit and say that it wasn’t better than being pissed off at everything, that was for sure. He owed that, mostly to Castiel, he knew, and he wanted to actually go and meet the guy, try to brighten up what had to be a pretty sucky situation for him.
He’d apparently, if Clint had been not just threatening him when he stuffed sedatives at him during the first couple of nights of his own mini break from reality, been headed to a place like that himself, at least he would have been if he’d kept things up, so he knew the sort of desperation it took to drive a person to that point, and he knew how you felt after too. It really...well, it fucking sucked.
It had to suck even more, whatever the actual situation had been for Castiel, once you ended up stuck with other people who’d had that break, and, you know, when you didn’t entirely trust yourself out being around normal people and all. So, he wound up heading over to the hospital after work, a little unsure of how you approached the whole visiting someone in the psych ward thing. He wasn’t sure if you had to go through security or what, and well, could the staff, who presumably dealt with crazy people all day, tell that he was crazy too, just by looking at him?
He settled for trying to look as normal and professional as possible. Of course, when you had forgotten to take off an arm guard, that was sort of relative, but he tried anyway, dammit. And was toting a plant box thing that had seemed appropriate enough. The hospital hadn’t seemed to have a thing against potted stuff so there was that. He hopped on the elevator to head up to the right floor and then, well, tried to prepare himself for what came next. Please let security, if there was any, let him through.
No security, not exactly, but someone did check him for particularly sharp objects before buzzing him through. Simple enough, right? And if anyone could tell that he was bordering on nuts himself, they kept it to themselves; crazies weren’t their problem until they checked in or tried to shank someone in the hall.
Castiel was in his room; he’d pulled a chair up next to the window, and perched on it, somehow managing to fit all of himself on the small seat, his knees drawn up to his chest. He stared out the window, through the slats in the blinds, his cheek resting on one knee, and tried not to think of anything at all.
It’d been another bad day with the doctors; he had politely refused to take his medication, citing that it made him feel sick, but they’d argued that it, like most of his other issues, was all in his head, and that he needed to take it for at least few days so they could see if it was going to help him. He hadn’t wanted to argue, he didn’t want them to be angry, so he’d balked, apologized, and took the pills.
He still heard the angels, but now he felt dizzy, too.
Pretty straightforward, yeah. Roy didn’t even have to have an escort or anything, and well, the place was actually not filled with half naked crazy people running around assaulting each other or anything. That was a good thing. Instead, they just gave him the room number and he paused outside the door, knocking a little.
“Hey, Castiel from the Valarnet? You up for some company?” he asked, not sure what he’d expected but this seemed, well, totally normal for some reason. That was good and made him relax a lot. “I’m Roy, you uh...helped a lot.” he added, still lurking around a little.
He didn’t really move, but he did sit up a little straighter, slowly, and turned his head towards the door. He didn’t think he’d actually expected anyone to come and see him, especially a complete stranger; he wouldn’t have expected his brothers to come and see him if they’d known where he was, and he’d grown up with them.
“Hello, Roy; please come in.” He smiled a little, sort of tiredly. He’d tried sleeping earlier, but it wasn’t that sort of tired, more lethargic, and he wanted it to go away. “I’m glad I could help; I’m more sure now than before that you deserve to be happy. I can tell.”
“Well, hey, so do you.” Roy gave him a little smile too, but glanced at him, and yeah, he was obviously kind of concerned here. Poor guy looked sort of miserable, really. You kind of wanted to hug him. Not that Roy went around hugging people, generally. He’d gotten the urge since he’d started working with the kids, sure, but he usually fought that one, but you know, if he’d been the warm and fuzzy type, he’d have hugged Castiel right now, as weird as that might have been.
“Hey, are you okay? You look kind of...” He waved a hand, frowning. “Out of it. “ And he felt himself getting a little annoyed at the workers here. Weren’t they supposed to make people better, not...whatever was going on here?
Castiel glanced away and shrugged a little. “I told them I didn’t want to take the new pills again, but they said I wasn’t giving the medicine a chance to help me if I didn’t. I didn’t want to fight; I don’t want people to be angry. So I took them.” And now he felt awful.
He glanced at Roy again and offered another small smile. “But it’s okay; in a few days they’ll change it to something else and maybe I won’t feel so bad anymore.”
“Geez.” Roy shook his head at that, and frowned. “I guess that’s true, getting used to meds and things but you’d think, since you’re here to check that out, they’d have some way to make it easier.” He really, really hated the fact that they didn’t seem to be paying attention to what he wanted. “I mean they shouldn’t be making you sicker.” He shook his head a little.
And? He was so not gonna follow up on Oliver’s strong suggestion that he consider getting on some kind of stabilizer. Not like this. “Well, I hope they get it sorted out.” he said at last, still frowning a little. “God. How often do they play the whole med switch thing? Isn’t that supposed to be kind of...problematic?”
“I don’t really know, but this is only the second time they’ve said they were new. I liked the last ones better because they didn’t do anything, but I guess that’s why the doctor didn’t like them and he gets to make the decisions.” Frown. He glanced down at his knees. “They want me to say that I can’t hear the angels anymore, but I don’t want to *lie* to them about it; that wouldn’t be right.”
He leaned sideways in the chair a little, and peeked over at Roy. “Can I tell you a secret?”
“Sure.” Roy wasn’t going to judge because the guy talked to angels. It wasn’t really different from the really religious people who thought about praying as a conversation to God or whoever in his mind. He didn’t really believe in anything himself, but, you know, he didn’t think that people who were religious were crazy or anything.
He came closer to Cas so he could say it quietly, without people hearing him out in the hall or anything. “Go for it.” he added, nodding.
“I don’t think I’m crazy,” he whispered before glancing away almost shyly. “I know that’s what crazy people say, but I don’t feel crazy, even when I wasn’t taking medicine. I think maybe I shouldn’t have told them about the angels, but...I thought the whole room was full of their voices; I just wanted to know if anyone else could hear. I tried to tell the doctor that I don’t even understand what they’re saying, but I guess it doesn’t matter...” Sigh.
“Still, I guess being in here is better than being out there; it’s safer in here. Quieter. Usually anyway.”
“You don’t actually sound crazy, no.” Roy agreed. “I mean, religious people talk to God and things. Talking to angels, is that really all that different? Cause to me...pretty much the same thing.” he said, and listened to the rest of it.
“Yeah it sounds a lot more like you don’t do well with confrontation.” He said. “Or, well, pressure really. That’s the thing of thing that gets to you isn’t it?” He knew the feeling. “I...that’s kind of when I get myself in trouble, since I can’t let my guard down. Maybe trying to stay out of it is actually better. Less upset people anyway.” he admitted, glancing around.
“It’s just easier...if no one’s angry...” he said absently, fidgeting in his seat. He didn’t like to talk about what had happened, not really. Sometimes they made him discuss it during therapy, but that never ended well. Why did he have to talk about it? Why couldn’t he just...put it out of his mind? It was his choice, wasn’t it? They couldn’t tell him what to...
Or maybe they could. Yeah. That was probably it.
People could tell you what to do all they wanted, but they couldn’t make you do it. Well, unless they had you sedated or something, Roy guessed. And maybe bribe situations or something, but... You still really had the ultimate say in most situations.
“I get that.” He admitted, nodding. “It’s, well. You don’t have to anticipate all the crap they’re gonna pull out and fling at you if you don’t go argreeing with everything all at once. I...” he shrugged a little. “It’s hard when you don’t know what’s gonna happen.” he admitted, glad to have someone who might get this. I’ve kind of been there. Worried about, well, what they’re going to do if...”
He shook his head. “That doesn’t mean I go agreeing with people most of the time at all, if I don’t like it, but I know the feeling where you...kind of want to.”
Sigh. “I’m sorry. This probably isn’t why you came to see me,” he said, looking a little sheepish. He’d never been one to complain about things before, and there was certainly no reason to start now; no one liked a whiner.
“Hey, I should probably not be the one bringing up depressing stuff.” Roy gave him a little grin. “I should probably be steering you to something happy instead.” he admitted, eyedarting. “I...don’t really do the visiting hospitals thing from this angle all that often.” He confided. “Actually, I don’t think I’ve really been in one in...a really long time. And one that he wasn’t going to think about much right now since that was decidedly not a good topic.
“So. Other than worrying about how other people might react, what else are you into?” he wondered, hoping that would lead somewhere. “Hobbies or...anything?”
For a moment, it looked as if Castiel was going to answer, but then he shook his head a little, and looked away again. “I’m the most boring person I know. I read a lot, before I came here, but that’s...pretty normal.” Other than that, it’d been eat, sleep, work...more or less. He did other things that people did to pass the time, but no stand out past times.
“Well, yeah.” Roy admitted, “But that doesn’t mean it’s bad or anything. I mean books can be awesome if you’ve got the right ones. “ Admittedly, he didn’t do much of it lately, but he had when he’d been in need of a lot of distractions. “I was always kind of, well, the fantasy historical type. Not exactly anything solid, but you know, kind of fun. You?”
Please don’t say the Bible. He thought. Because that might be a little...weird.
He studied Roy for a few moments before a tiny smirk crossed his face. “You’re afraid I’m going to say the Bible, aren’t you?” Little laugh. “I used to; I spent a year and a half in the seminary, but it wasn’t for me in the end. I read most of the ‘classics’, because I figured that was something you were supposed to do, and then I just sort of...picked up whatever was popular. I guess I don’t really have a particular genre that I like...”
“Kinda.” Roy admitted, grinning. “Sorry, I just figured with the territorry and all, it’d be one of those fifty fifty bets.” Seminary huh? Interesting. No wonder he knew what to say to people, Roy thought, and nodded. “So the whole high school list of whatever you’re supposed to read now.” He admittedly shuddered a little at the thought of...most of that. “I...kinda didn’t have the patience for most of those.” He eyedarted, which meant he’d probably watched the movies instead. Well, when he could find them.
“A lot of it wasn’t very good; I always wondered who got to decide what was a ‘Classic’ and what wasn’t, because often didn’t agree with their decisions,” he said before shrugging a little. “Either way, it was something to pass the time in between work hours.” You know, when there were no errands to run or anything.
“Point.” Roy gave him a nod. “That’s what it’s for, I guess really, reading. Well, mine’s about the escaping too.” He eyedarted a little. “Like a way to run without...actually having to do any of the work involved. I’m bad with that. Well, getting better.” He admitted. “Lately. I think you helped with that. Well, and my new coach.” he added a little absently. “But so. You’ve read a lot of those and weren’t impressed. I guess it’s one of those...generational things.” he said with a shrug. “You know, back when people had the time to sit around really thinking about...most of this crap and all.”
“Maybe you have to be ridiculously smart to think they’re good,” he said, shifting in his seat a little; his legs were starting to fall asleep, but moving still seemed like too much of a chore.
“Your coach? What sort of sport?” he asked. He unclasped one hand from around his knees to tug at the collar of his coat for a minute, then returned it to it’s place. “You can always talk to me, you know. If...you wanted, I mean.”
“I’d like that, really.” Roy admitted. He didn’t know that he wanted the connection yet but he’d taken a chance before, and that had been okay here, so, maybe. “You haven’t steered me anywhere but decent places before. I’m an archer.” he said, a little dumb smile crossing his face. “I guess...I like that there’s a lot of variation there, but really only one goal in mind, one focus. It makes things clearer...”
As for the books, yeah, probably.
“That sounds like something my math professor would say,” he said with another small smirk. “Do you compete or anything? I mean...usually when people say archery, they mean hunting. I wasn’t made for sports. Unless you count chess, which most people don’t, and I’m not even very good at that, but that’s probably because my brother always cheated.”
That? Roy laughed. “Great. I sound like an old person.” he said, which, well, older than him at least, anyway. “I did for a while and I’m probably going back in again soon. Not olympic level or anything but, you know the whole ren faire thing? I’m involved in that. Which basically means my stuff’s a lot more old fashioned and probably less deadly than hunting.” He eyedarted a bit, then grinned. “Admittedly, I put a lot of arrows into decoys but...”
“Chess...I’ve played before. Not in a long time, and I kind of sucked at it.” he admitted, “Which makes the math thing funnier.”
“I wish I could say I did something interesting like that, but I’m just an accountant.” Little frown. Sometimes he regretted his choice of career, but it made money and he wasn’t half bad at it, and that was all a person could really hope for, right? He didn’t want for any necessity; he had a nice place to live, a decent car, food on the table, and limited cable. He just hadn’t been meant to stand out.
Roy had, well, a car, though it had seen better days, and a crappy place to live, and that was sort of it, but hey, it wasn’t that bad really, in the long run. Cas’s life didn’t sound that bad to him either though, really.
“Well, hey, accounting’s not that bad. Stable and all.” Roy tried to put a bright face on it. “I mean I bet you aren’t going anywhere, even in this economy. “ That was all that really mattered with jobs, wasn’t it? That they had you surviving and all.
“There is that, yes, and that’s probably the important part. It just...struck me a few days ago that being here in the hospital is the most I’ve really ever gotten out.” He didn’t like bars, even before the incident they’d been too loud and smokey and crowded. That left out clubs, too, where he definitely wouldn’t fit in. He’d just...gotten used to spending more of his time by himself.
“Okay, so that’s a little sad.” Roy wasn’t going to be anything but honest when it came to that point. It really, really was. “I mean, geez, stereotypes, much? You’re fulfilling the accountant one when that’s what goes on, you know. Is that really a good way to represent your people?” Grin.
He made a note to make sure to drag Castiel somewhere when they let him out of the hospital. Because some things were just not right. The poor guy not having a life? that was at least something Roy could fix.
He gave Roy a lopsided little smile. “Whatever works? My brothers always said I was the socially awkward one and I never really wanted to let them be right, but...” Shrug. “Thankfully, dating wasn’t an issue in the seminary.” But when he’d left, well...awkward.
But wasn’t it too late to change that now that he had mental issues? Possibly.
“It wasn’t?” Roy asked him, deadpan. “Well, that’s a relief. I was a little worried for you there.” He quipped. “I mean I know how much of a party school those can...” he broke off, and nodded at Castiel instead. “Hey, socially awkward’s not a crime. A lot of people start out that way, you know? “
“Well, if there were parties going on, I wasn’t invited,” he said with a little smile. “I probably would have turned down the invitation anyway.” He’d been more concerned with his studies then, wanting to know everything he could about the Bible and the church and...it had been a huge disappointment when he’d realized he was a horrible fit for the priesthood.
“At this point, I think I’m a bit too set in my ways to change that; it’s not a crime when you’re in high school, but once you hit 30, well...then you’re just creepy.”
“Okay, yeah.” Roy nodded. “It’d be like, well, I can think of people who might shift from the screwed upness of their own life into something stable and it’s impossible to think about without wondering what the ulterior motives are.” That was part of the reason Oliver was never getting his address. Just. No.
“And parties, eh. Not all that much fun when you think about the cleanup involved.” Roy agreed, then shook his head. “Don’t I sound eighty five?”
“Just a little, but you have plenty of time to change that...” He looked as if he’d been going to continue, but winced instead and looked away, lifting a hand to rub at his temple. Awkward moment.
“Sorry...”
“I think to celebrate I’ll...Roy stopped when he noticed Castiel wincing and instead looked like he was trying to find a way to fix it or...anything. “Hey, you okay? Should I let a nurse know or something? I mean they’d want to know if it’s bugging you this much, right?” Or were they just going to pat him or something and pretend they cared about it when really it was just because they were getting paid?
Castiel shook his head; he lowered his hand, but also closed his eyes and let his head rest on his knees again. “They’re shouting; sometimes they do that. Nothing ever gets accomplished when all you do is yell; you’d think angels would know that...” Grimace. It would fade again, he hoped, like it usually did, as if all the angels were moving away to continue their conversation around the corner. Gradually it’d drop back to a whisper, maybe even stop for a bit, but it was really just a waiting game.
“I’m okay...”
“Oh ouch.” Roy made a little face at that. “Yeah, really.” He had to agree. “I mean, especially if you’re already, you know, in here, and probably partly cause of them, they’d have figured out that it wasn’t the right way to get your attention.” He clicked sympathetically. “And I mean, do they even use English or what?” Because he really did think Cas heard something and it wasn’t a hallucination type of deal. He didn’t know what it really was, but...
“That’s gotta be frustrating.” He said instead, completely serious. “Whatever they’re doing.” And part of him wondered, a little, if it was connected to the weird dreams everybody he knew had been having lately. It was possible, right?
Another headshake. “I don’t understand what they’re saying; I don’t even think they’re really talking to me. I just...hear them. Maybe they don’t even know I’m listening. Sometimes, though, if I pray in the evening, they stop and I can sleep better, but I have no way to tell if it’s because of me, or they just don’t have anything to say anymore.” Sigh.
“Mostly I don’t mind, I like listening to them, just...” Every so often it got so loud he could barely stand it.
“That makes sense.” Roy nodded. “It’s kind of like, well, I’ve been having these dreams that usually make me think I’m crazy, or other people if I bring them up. Usually they aren’t all that bad, just weird but kind of nice. Unless they’re the annoying sort of dream.” He shrugged at that but, you know. Similar principle anyway. “Well, it’s good they don’t hang around and yell at all day or something. I think that would actually make ME go crazy.”
“Anna says they’re talking about the apocalypse; she can understand them. They’re telling her to warn everyone. I don’t...I don’t want to think about how that might be true. Without knowing what they’re saying, it’s usually very...peaceful to listen to...” And if it was talk about the end of the world, then that would be just awful and he’d never be able to enjoy the sound of their voices again.
“The apocalypse, seriously?” Roy thought that might be going a little far and that the Anna he mentioned might actually be crazy here. Or just in here because she was some kind of survivalist. “I guess the thing there is more...haven’t people been predicting that for years? Yeah, I’d say we’re probably pretty safe.”
After all, if it hadn’t ended on...whenever that had been again, they were probably fine.
Castiel shrugged, a little awkward in his current, hunched over position. “I don’t know. I can’t say it’s not true; I don’t want it to be true. I guess in the end it doesn’t matter, does it? If it’s true, there’s not much anyone can do, is there? If it’s not, well, things just carry on...” No use worrying about it, really.
“That’s true.” Roy agreed. “I mean, I don’t think they’d want to let just a few people know anyway. It just doesn’t seem like the kind of thing angels would do, you know?” As far as he knew? Angels didn’t give you impossible things to do. They were nice and awesome and helped. Not cause trouble or make things worse. “And well, it’s not like it hasn’t been happening before and all.” He shrugged. “So yeah. That could be handled better if it’s real. Personally, I’m kind of looking forward to the four horsemen and Jesus shooting lightning bolts and stuff.” Grin.
He turned his head slightly and cracked an eye open to peek at Roy. He wanted to say something about how the Horsemen weren’t anything to look forward to, but that would be too...preachy of him, wouldn’t it, and he didn’t want to chase the boy off with that, of all things.
“Jesus doesn’t shoot lightning bolts, Roy,” he said instead with the tiniest smirk.
“Well, whichever.” Roy grinned. “You’d think the ability to handle that was tied up in somewhere.” he added, clearly joking. “I mean, you’d know and all.” It was funny how with most people who said stuff like that, he felt inclined to really argue with them, but with Castiel, and like this, it didn’t seem like something that was worth a fight. It wasn’t even the whole mental patient thing either but...more of a vibe. He just felt comfortable or something.
There was a quiet knock on the door before a nurse slipped inside. She smiled at the pair of them, asked if everything was all right, and then reminded Roy that visiting hours would be over soon.
Castiel stayed quiet, even though he’d wanted to mention that he felt awful and his head hurt, and only looked up once the nurse had gone. “You’ll...come to see me again, won’t you?” It sounded more pathetic than he’d meant it to, but...it’d been nice to sit in a room with another person and have a normal conversation.
“If you want me to? Definitely.” Roy told him with a little nod and smile. Wait, that had been a normal conversation? Seriously? That was kind of sad, when you thought about it. He made a mental note to keep coming back though, and to try to find amusing things to bring along that might spark conversation. “I’d better let you get some rest.” He added, giving him a little nod and wave.
It was good to have someone who wasn’t the particular brand of crazy that he was used to dealing with around, that was for sure. He didn’t know that Castiel would like him that much in the long run, but for now? Worked out by him.