Enjolras isn't a statue, really (solo_patria) wrote in valarcomm, @ 2013-05-02 01:42:00 |
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Current mood: | crappy |
Current music: | A Tale Of Two Cities PBS-Final Scene |
The last of the letters for Les Amis
Dear Feuilly,
As one of my more sensible friends, I doubt that you have put as much stock in these dreams, and in this other life, as I have. You helped me through the worst of them once with sanity and clarity and helped me emerge from it really well, but it did leave me wondering, I suppose, how you were going to deal with them.
Whenever something occurs to me, one of my first reactions in any situation is to wonder how you might react, what you might say or do as a response, or in response to something. I try to judge my own actions by what I suspect you would do, and, as such, you've been something of a beacon of inspiration to me when things got tough, and times grew hard. You have also been a friend, willing to listen, sensitive, and open to anything I might throw at you.
Which makes it harder that I have now acted in a way you would not, and would never expect from me, and that I have, indirectly, and without purpose, but in anger, dishonored your life and sacrifices from that other world we have been a part of. I acted with this anger and did not think of how you'd feel, or how much I love you. Knowing I have done so much to harm a good friend, who was always brave and fought for the rights of everyone, who has adopted the world, and les amis as his family hurts, and knowing I have been neglectful and off track of everything the last two months hurts too. I have left all of you to shoulder my burdens, and I am sorry for that, and for all that I have done to hurt you here. While I did not mean it, it is done and unacceptable, and I would strive, hard, to make things right again so that my behaviors do not harm our group again. Will you forgive me and help me in this?
-Enjolras
Dear Jehan,
As a poet, you understand the impact of words as much as I, and some words that I used recently are haunting me. I used a phrase from our cause to end an email in sarcasm, threw all of you into my argument, and dishonored the things you did for me during those days in our last life. Your sacrifice especially hurts when I consider your brave example, your steadfast and true devotion to all of us and to our cause, and to the people and the future you believe in. To think that I have managed to dismiss those things as nothing, because I was angry and wrote in a harsh moood is terrible and in-excusable and not the conduct of a man who bears as much love as I have for you.
It was wrong, and I feel twisted up inside with the remorse that I've hurt and dishonored all of you in this way and I know that I can never make up for the action or what I said, but pray that the preservation of our friendship before Patria can still be held, no matter what world we are living in at the moment. In the future, I will not do or say these things, will not neglect the group of you as I've been doing, and will do my best to avoid being hurtful again.
I know that you help Courf with things ,and have helped me before, and now I would be accountable for what I say, what I do, and what I write. Will you assist me in such a task and please forgive me for the wrongs I've done?
-Enjolras
Dear Marius,
Consider this a followup to the phone call that we had about my behavior lately, where we discussed what I had said, and the implications that it had for you, your feelings, and everything else. You said, and I agree, that using Les Amis the way I had, as part of a personal argument, was upsetting because you WERE used, and you had a very good point. I did not consider any of your feelings in that matter, and I am sorry for it, truly sorry.
We also spoke of the way I have been shutting some of you out, and I am sorry for that too. It isn't right that I am less than honest with you when it comes to our past lives, that I have cut you out of them and that I have not been there for you. I want to be there for you Marius, as someone that I love and care about, and Les Amis deserve much better too.
I am working toward a more open and honest future, and I hope that, should I seem to need it, you will point the problems out to me again, the way that you were able to not long ago. It helped to give me some needed perspective for this, and hell, if you keep this up, you're going to make one hell of a great lawyer.
-Enjolras
Dear Bahorel,
Now that you are dreaming and you understand our cause and what it means, I can offer you my apology. I said some things in anger, using les amis and Patria, and a calling card of Patria's and ours, to annoy someone in a heated exchange and I am sorry for that. I am also sorry that I've stayed away, isolated myself from you and generally kept you out of the loop regarding everything. You are my brother, like the rest of them, and I do love you and I want to change.
I am workng on thinking before I type, or speak or anything else, and on trying to be more open about the things that happen to me as a result of all of this. Please, forgive me for the way I've probably hurt you, and for dishonoring your courage, your help, your positive attitude, and the sacrifices that you must have made to protect us, and for keeping you away from everything.
In the future, I do not intend to do so, and I want to make things right. Please help me.
-Enjolras
Grantaire-
Just because I did not see you go down at our barricade does not mean that I should not extend the same apologies to you that I have granted to the others. As I saw the barricade go down before my eyes, you were not with it, but I know that you had been at the cafe earlier, asleep.
It gives me hope that you, of all people, who did not want to be there and thought our cause would kill us, that it may do that here, may have gotten out of things. It never was your fight, R, or your wish to be there so it is only right that you have found a way to survive it, and no way that I can ever think to fault you for that.
If you were killed there, as I still fear that you might have been, then my recent harsh words, my mockery of the barricade in an email to a critic, would probably amuse you more than not. Nonetheless, those mocking words would also have mocked your death, and those sacrifices that you made for us. If you did not die there, but in some other part of our past life, I will have still mocked the dangers that you faced in being associated with us, your devotion to our brotherhood if not our cause, and I am sorry for that.
I am sorry that I thought so lightly of something that meant so much to so many people, and the sacrifices that you've made whether or not you survived the barricades with me. I am sorry that I spilled this information in a fit of anger, and for the things I've said to you as a part of the dreams, when I was doubting you. No matter the cause of doubt, I did not need to go so far as I did, and was unnecessarily cruel at times.
Here, in this world, you have always been a use to me, though we hardly knew each other well until January, and the Blue Flu, and even in your cynicisms, you have been a help, a critic, a support.
R, in this life, at least, I hold great love for you and value our friendship greatly now that we have begun to have it. Please forgive me for having de-valued you and your life in so many ways before.
-Enjolras