Enjolras isn't a statue, really (solo_patria) wrote in valarcomm, @ 2013-04-26 01:13:00 |
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Current mood: | contemplative |
Current music: | a tale of two cities concept-the way it ought to be |
It's up to us to choose the way it ought to be (Another Set of Letters to Various Amis)
Dear Joly,
When I think about the fact that you came to fight at our barricade even though you were ill, and how hard you worked to keep us all relaxed as possible, and calmed during those tense moments when we needed those things most, how you joined Combeferre in helping the wounded as much as you could under the circumstances befalling us, and how brave, and good and TRUE you were, there is nothing I can do but smile to remember you in 1832, at the last time I saw you there.
When I think of that in combination with the talks we have shared here, the way that you encouraged me to keep on living through the worst of the blue flu, talked to me of love and what it means to know someone intimately, and have never kept knowledge of anything from me, how you, Bossuet and 'Chetta let me join your cuddle pile at Courfeyrac's party, our Hoarders night viewings and everything else, I can't help but be ashamed that I threw out the words of our cause carelessly and in anger. I cannot help but be ashamed I could so little value the sacrifices that you made, and the life that you gave to us, even for that moment that I spat our those words. It was wrong of me, I do, indeed value you and love you, and I will not do that sort of thing again. I promise you. It is not much, but it is what I have to offer here.
I am also sorry for the past few months of my slides and backslides into and out of reality. I cannot control them, though I am trying to learn, but I CAN control my response to these things, and pulling away from all of you to hide myself away in my barricade was NOT acceptable behavior. I should have been honest and upfront and given you the trust and truth that you deserve.
You are one of my dearest friends and we have been through a lot together, and I cherish the moments we've spent together, working for a cause, or just hanging out and trolling Marius. I never want to become that distant again, and I am sorry that I've done it now. With this letter, I'm asking for your forgiveness, yes, but I'm also asking for accountability. Please, hold me accountable for what I've said or done if you find problems with it, bring it up, and let me know about it or how you feel. I think it is the only way that Les Amis, as a whole, are going to get better from all of this.
You're a good friend who I should never have treated in this way and I am sorry, so, so sorry. Please forgive me for the past so we can start a new future?
-Enjolras
Dear Bossuet,
If there is one thing you have always been to me, it's loyal. You stand by your friends, including me, through every crisis that comes along, and help us emerge stronger for it. Losing you at the barricade was, perhaps expected, your luck has always been the problem there, but it did not make it any easier to bear, and it did not hurt me any less. You have always been a life force to be reckoned with, bringing considerable amounts of patience, persistence, and a sense of humor that was appreciated in those last few days of our lives, for the darkness that it scattered away.
It pains me to think that I used Les Amis as an angry aside in an email when I was angered last week, that I went ahead and abused your name and that of the others, knowing what you did for us, and the good cheer that you keep us in here. It pains me more that in that moment, it felt GOOD to use our group in such a way, that I thought nothing of what you truly mean to me, how lost the ABC would be without you.
Bossuet, speaking to you has given me wisdom, clarity and a renewed sense of purpose, both in 1832 and now, and pulling myself away from you when you could well have helped me, or may have needed me yourself, was not an acceptable course of action for a friend to take. My actions in the last couple months have been incredibly shitty, and I have not treated you as the valued friend you are, nor done much to demonstrate the love I have for you. I am sorry. I am so very sorry, and I would like to move forward from here with a full appreciation of what all of you mean to me.
Please, may I use this time on that other planet you predicted we'd be going to to see that things are done right now, and let me know if they are not so that I can take immediate steps to resolve them, instead of keeping things in as awful a state as they had been?
-Enjolras