Enjolras isn't a statue, really (solo_patria) wrote in valarcomm, @ 2013-04-23 01:11:00 |
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Current mood: | pensive |
Current music: | a tale of two cities concept album-better than you |
...you were an ass again, but you're consistent...
(Enj is writing letters to Les Amis, feeling bad about that email he sent the other day and what he thinks it implies still. So, he's leaving these for various of Les Amis this week. Today, it's The Guide and Center who get them but eventually the others will too!)
Combeferre-
Whatever life we are in, you are my first, my oldest friend, and you are the one who matters most to me, and who has mattered most to me no matter where we are, what we are doing or how we come to find each other. However many lifetimes that we may or may not have together, I think it will not be enough for me to ever finish learning from and growing from being near you.
In everything that has always mattered, you have been there for me, whether in Paris or out here. I hardly recall now, the time I did not know you, though in this world I have proof of when we met and how, but those years seem so dimmed to me, diminished that you were not part of them.
You have been there for me through everything, through the barricade and the strength you lent me there along with your wisdom to guide me in acting with chief, through the ways you tried to regulate the horrible things I was called to do, the fate you promised you would share with me. I wonder, in some part, if this is linked to why you are here with me now, if what I spoke of when I executed that man, and spoke of the love that would belong to the future was the fate of being here again, uncovering, and learning things. It seems far fetched, but if it is so, selfish as that is, the fact I can have you again is wonderful.
You reaffirm my faith in everything, for every day and all the struggles that we work through for me. Combeferre, you never ask me, really, to help you with yours. I would do it, gladly, when I am able, and that prospect is why I do want to get better. That I can do for you what you have done for me should you need it. I hope you never need it, that you do not reach the levels that I have, but I want to be ready to support you, and care for you as you have done for me. And to that end, I must send you this letter now.
Combeferre, you defended me the other day, have defended me this entire time, but I have not been altogether worthy of defense. I have defamed our barricade. I've defamed you, who stood beside me for it all, who dragged along your extra weapons on the off chance I might lose mine and not merely because you had some strange sort of hoplophilia going on there as I think we all kind of suspected at some point. I've defamed your sacrifice and what a sacrifice it was. You were beautiful there at the barricades, all of you, but you were being so completely, bravely, and amazingly yourself, with a level of courage and calm that all of us could envy. You've done all these things, and I've spoken in jest of what passed before us in those hours.
I was confused, I was frustrated and angry, but it was no excuse for what I've done, and I wish, I wish so much, that I could retract the words I used, but because I could not, I beg your forgiveness for having said them. ...And for the way I have abused your kindness these last several months as well.
I have been a shitty, shitty friend. I have not meant to, and the circumstances have not been the best to work with, but I have still been a shitty friend, forgetting to focus on you, on all of you, when I ought to have done so from the beginning. I apologize for all of the impromptu trips my brain is taking, and the confusion, and the nightmares and everything else I have done to disturb you. I wish that I could say that they will stop entirely, but know that I want them to, and that, I'm starting to think Courfeyrac was right when he told me I should get help. I want to get help, or find a solution so that I can be for the rest of you what you have been for me, so that I can stop being helpless and part of the problem, and become something more like a solution for whatever this is instead.
I am sorry. And I love you. Is there anything that I can do to help with...anything?
-Enjolras
Courfeyrac,
You're another of those people who I owe a HELL of a lot of apologies to and for a really long time now. Since these dreams have started, I have been taking out my problems with them on you, from the time before I was aware of what they were, and threw that jello at your hair when I was frustrated in the hospital, and the time that I refused to speak to you after you made that incredibly unfunny Louis Phillipe phonecall that I still overreacted to, and all the other times I've taken my frustrations out on you because you're pretty much always there.
You could have used my support a lot last month and I wasn't there for you, Courf, because I've been handling all of this stuff, but I should have been there to help you and to see what I could do to smooth the way for you. I am, incidentally, incredibly proud of you and the way you've really grown up lately, but I am also sorry I haven't told you that sooner.
And if I scared you when I lapsed in the cafe, and yelled at you for sending that message as me to Yolande Polignac that you did, even if I am not okay with you having hacked into my journal.
...Actually, on second thought, I am NOT actually okay with a lot of the things that you have done, but I AM aware that I've overreacted to the circumstances, bitten your head off when I shouldn't have and should not have been doing that when you needed me. We've been friends here for two years now, and I get that our friendship started based on emnity but I have been taking it to the extreme.
And now, Courf, I've gone ahead and dishonored the you of the past, who was as giving in money, items and himself, who was brave and true, and gallant and brought the heart that Les Amis so badly needed. If we think of me as Kirk, Combeferre as Spock, then you'd have to be McCoy, with feelings, and emotions, and the ability to share and express them to others, and to draw the others in as we needed them.
I've dishonored that you with my angry rash words in an email, and that man who would have given any of us the coat from his back if we needed it, or a place to sleep, or a shoulder to cry on, or his defense in any fight, his spirit and good humor even to the last moments of his life, when he had already lost what mattered most. I've dishonored that memory of you, and I have hurt you here. I know I have.
I'm sorry, Courfeyrac. And you were right about letting at least our friends know what is going on. If it helps, Combeferre and I are continuing to work on straightening me out, and I intend, I really do intend, to be better equipped to help all of you the way that you've helped me.
I'm sorry I haven't been the other best friend that you deserve, or held up my end of our trio, but please. I want to do it in the future, and to make things better when I have that chance. I'm sorry, and I love you.
-Enjolras