Weekend Edition with Rita Skeeter!
Welcome to the Weekend Edition! We've got a full plate tonight, folks, and it's all juicy!
On a personal note, a very nasty man threatened me this week. I know who your employers are, sir, and I will be pursuing this to the highest degree of law! I never even did anything to company, I hardly deserve such threats!
We spoke about this so-called hero before. The murderer Nighthawk. Witnesses describe him as reckless, putting others in harms way to make himself look good. This reporter thinks he might have a death wish.
Hopefully, he gets his wish. People are going to get hurt because of him, and not just those he eliminated to become the sole 'hero' of LA.
Watch out, Tony Stark, you're next!
Recent reports from sources within big business and the police departments are telling me that the terrorist known as “Admiral” has returned, and with a vengeance. This hacker has seized thousands of gigabytes of information, and released confidential information to the public!
This man is going to get people killed and is a traitor and a scoundrel!
Cult hit "Arrow of Truth" just started it's new season. We all remember Alleria Windrunner's heated assault on a mysterious patron. Reports surfaced two weeks ago of an altercation at a local Wal-mart.
Miss Windrunner, just what were you doing at Wal-mart!? That's the true scandal, folks. This altercation, however, seemed to involve that very same woman from the coffee shop. What's strange, however, is this woman has since disappeared. What really went on inside that Wal-mart bathroom? A heated sexual encounter, of course, but there seems to be more to this story!
[Image of the sisters in extremely skimpy costumes and a slightly suggestive pose]
Clearly they're going for the incest angle on the show. We're taking wagers on which episode will feature a kiss!
Oliver Queen is a heartless slut. While his adopted son/lover rots in jail, he was being interviewed on TV! Attempting to cover-up his bloody dealings in Africa no doubt. Miss Lee could certainly do better than to move in with this man. We already have a petition going to convince her to move out, for her own safety! It's only a matter of time before he resorts to domestic violence. He's already growing out a beating beard.
It's already started. Jubilee has appeared very pale lately, and covers up, clearly trying to hide the bruises. Shame on you, Oliver. SHAME!
We've done some digging, readers. Barbara Gorden, who has grown increasingly erratic and reclusive of late, is in bed with the Wayne murderer. Bernie may have been cleared of the charges, but we all know what this is. A cover-up. Gordon's links to the Wayne family certainly would allow her to plant the evidence needed to clear her lover. We've uncovered evidence to this effect.
This makes her entirely complicit in the murders. There's been a lot of that lately. We'll have news on that Cerberus terrorist next week, as well!
After the shake-up of the Fire Nation Real Estate company late last month, and the seating of siblings Zuko and Azula as head of the company (along with Azula's lover, Ty Lee), we decided to do some digging. Something seemed a little fishy about the whole thing.
You wouldn't believe what we found, folks!
Little princess Azula has a kinky side! Located in a shady part of town is a sexual deviant's wet dream, the Black Thorn. Within are the sorts of kinks nightmares are made of, and our very own Azula was a prominent and prolific dominatrix within.
Clearly a woman who loves to dish out pain, it explains the hurts recieved by her friends and lovers.
But just when you think that's the end of it, we have conclusive proof that Azula was linked to Wayne Industries executive Dick Grayson! The two have an ongoing, torrid affair involving whips and chains and cigarette burns.
It just gets dirtier, and we'll keep digging!
CEO Zuko was seen meeting with Mai, clearly attempting to intimidate her into silence. As seen in this clearly photoshopped photo, she left the building in tears, with a black eye and bloodied nose.
Oliver Queen is no doubt in good company with Zuko.
Mr. Stark has been spending considerable amounts of time and money on frivilous research, pissing away the hard earned foundation of his father and the unfairly incarcerated Obidiah Stane. Just recently he broke thousands of windows in Irvine, only to pay the residents off with hush money!
To make matters worse, we have evidence of clandestine meetings between Tony Stark and a true criminal, Bruce Banner. The two have engaged in numerous romantic interludes.
Perhaps Ms. Potts will finally learn she needs to find a real man.
Zevran Ariani, star of such films as Itty Titty Gang Bang, Shindler's Fist and Plundering Booty Volume 6 has been seen courting a young woman. Our hunt turned up her name, one Michelle Beckett, all of the tender age of seventeen!
Has Zevran's deprivations with Oliver Queen not gone far enough? Must he now seduce an innocent teenager? Is he scouting her out for a barely legal vid, reducing her to nothing more than an old pervert's fantasy? Or is he going for something different, something much more sinister? And surely that means his accomplice, Mr. Queen, is involved?
There's nothing but resounding silence, and we all know exactly what silence means!
A cougar is on the prowl once again. Following her disastrous and public break up with gold digger Scott Summers, Emma Frost has been seen on the arms of one eligible bachelor after another, including the bastard prince of Monaco, Namor McKenzie. At a recent party, the two were seen to be engaged in a passionate embrace, but no sooner had that ended than Miss Frost was skanking it up with yet another young man.
[Pictures of Jim Kirk leading Fleur up to his apartment] Speaking of on the prowl, Spaceman Jim Kirk has added talented ballerina Fleur Delacour to his bedpost notches. The French ballerina is currently undergoing intensive training for a show, but took the time out to practice her flexibility with the playboy.
To make matters positively scandalous, our intrepid reporters discovered that the so-called "law student" Mr. Kirk has been seeing on the side is not only aware of this affair, but an active participant! They report trysts going loudly, and late into the night. Ms. Granger is hardly innocent at all!
Ms. Delacour and Ms. Granger aren't the only people on Kirk's platter. Spock, a professor of some note, can also be linked to the man, spending an inordinate amount of time alone with Kirk. Through the wonders of modern photography we have caught the two in a quiet moment together. Perhaps this is Kirk's true love, and these women are attempts to save his masculinity?
[Image of Kirk and Spock bent over a chess table but cropped to appear as though they're leaning in to kiss]
Famous author Varric Tethras, who's works range from smutty romance to grand epic tales, is having a grand romance of his own! Sources link the man to Marian Hawke, a woman who owns local comedy club. We'll have more details as they surface.
From the eyewitness reports file! Miss Everdeen and Mr. Mellark were seen cuddling up together at a local fast food restaraunt. They might have even shared a milk shake! Our eyewitness described absolutely adorable behavior, complete with mooney eyes! In contrast to the often sordid and dirty celebrity romances we're forced to write about, this one seems positively tame. Peete was also witnessed giving Katniss a present, to which she seemed perplexed and even a little bashful.
The sheer adoration they share for each other is so rare, so precious, that this reporter believes it serves as a good contrast.
Speaking of contrasts, wait untul you read about the Blacks!
This is one of the biggest stories of the year, folks. Black Ministries is a gigantic church with thousands of members and a multimillion dollar media division responsible for everything from religious tracts to bible cartoons.
And a scandal is about to blow up in their faces. We have it on good authority that Bellatrix Black, the eldest daughter of the clan, has engaged in torrid affairs with numerous women. This appears to be unhinging her, as she sent out a very broad email that she was quitting her editing duties at the Ministries. We don't yet know if she means to quit the church entirely, and we're still trying to get the names of her lovers, but this can only lead to blowback against the megachurch. Bellatrix seems headed for a very public meltdown.
While we're on the subject, we have a delicious little story about Caprica Six. Ms. Six is an adoptive daughter of the Black clan and a Black in all but name.
We have a virtual treasure trove of pictures sent in by men and women Ms. Six has supposedly conquered. Because none of them are safe for work (and neither are many of the stories that came with the pictures) we had to put them behind our pay wall. And just you wait until we reveal some of the names and faces we've uncovered!
House Black appears to have gotten quite the black eye this week!
No news burst is ever complete without the machinations of the infamous Black Widow. Not content with just one conquest, we have her engaged in two this week! We followed Ms. Romanoff to a local gay bar (AHA WE KNEW IT!) run by previous lover, Maedhros and his boyfriend, where she met with actress Amy Pond. As seen in this photograph, the two engaged in hot and heavy embraces, and left together.
In the same week, Ms. Romanoff met with seamstress Lulu Webster to pick up a dress. A dress that was made at no cost to the actress. It's noted the two spent a lot of time in Ms. Webster's home, and one can imagine the intense heat they must have generated on Ms. Websters couch. And her kitchen table. And the wall of the hallway.
Will Natasha ever settle down? Will Sansa Stark's heart be broken?