Obi-Wan is aging surprisingly well (obi1) wrote in valarcomm,
Neena...
I cannot properly communicate to you what I'm feeling right now, the effect that reading this is having on me.
[...]
It's getting more and more difficult for me to separate myself from the man I am while I'm dreaming. I recall we spoke about that a little. On the freighter, he and I were the same, if only for a few minutes. And I was repulsed, because I was so confused, but now [...] I believe I would give anything to have just a little piece of him to carry around with me in the "real world".
I don't know why I've been tasked to become him. I feel [...] so unworthy.
[...]
This is silliness. I don't really feel that at all. What I feel is like I'm chasing this person down a busy street, desperate to catch up, and he's being an utter ass and ignoring my calls. (And I know he's when he's just being an stubborn ass, because he's me.)
In my dream, I was able to kill this other man, the one I loved like a brother. But when I lived the moment out--in this very surreal experience I had--I couldn't do it. That's what I mean when I say it's like flipping a coin. I'm not sure if I carried out the task or not, which scene was more real, nor even what I would do right now, if the opportunity presented itself once more.
I can accept that there will never a concrete answer. It's situational, and even then it all comes down to these seemingly miniscule factors. But knowing that I'm not alone in feeling like I'm cast on the wind, it really does help. My story is so similar to yours, but I can't say I'm ready to share all of it yet, which I believe you won't take offense at. Right now, there is a woman sleeping beside me that I must tell first.