Look man, I've probably stopped and started this email a hundred times. Like all the times I look at your number in my phone and think I should probably call you, like you've got some damn insight or answers. I mean you're a grown ass man and not my kid brother any more so maybe you see shit I don't.
But then I don't. I don't pick up the phone and I don't send this email and shit just keeps on happening.
I feel kind of messed up that I'm using your work email for this bullshit, but hell it's the only one I know for sure you'll maybe check. Not that it obligates you to respond. Shit, I'm kinda banking on the fact that somewhere along the line I fucked up enough that you won't. Maybe it'd feel better just typing into open space, but really if that worked then this would just be another instance of me not hitting send.
Your girlfriend just texted me about how you're moving in together and I can't help but think at least one of us isn't doing this ass backwards. I'm not even pissed that I heard it from her and not you. Kinda figure I deserve it really given how you found out about me and Cas. Prolly not gonna surprise you at all to find out that me and him are having problems. Communication issues mostly, but shit, how do you tell a guy you only married him so he wouldn't leave and not come off sounding like the biggest asshole in the world? Not that I don't love him, but shit right?
I should probably tell you that I got The Car, but I don't think you'd really care much since it was more my car than it ever was yours. She's doing fine. If you ever want any of your things that are in her, I guess just let me know? I'm thinking about burning most of them, since I wouldn't want to fuck up your life by someone finding that kind of crap with your face on it in my car on the day I inevitably get pulled over. But hell, a bit of Tyler and Perry for old time's sake, right?
Got the Colt too, which was useful when shit went all crazy go nuts a couple weeks back and heaven's most adorable angel sorta turned into heaven's most adorable psychopath. We figured out eventually what happened, but damn are you lucky you missed out on that one. At least I hope you did. I had friggen cat ears and a tail for a few days. Cas took a picture. I'm attaching it because I think you might like the laugh (you're allowed to laugh. No one else is.) but then again you got Deryn and my jokes are crap anyway so...maybe I shouldn't?
Look, man. I don't know. I know you don't want to hear about the friggen' dreams. You made that much clear before, and that's fine because what the hell am I supposed to say anyway? It's like talking about being in the Service, right? Nobody wants to hear it so you don't say anything. Or if you do say something people don't get why you can't just be happy that you're not there anymore like all that is crap you can just turn off.
It's messed up that our lives both here and in the dreams involve a lot of us not saying anything. Can't really say I'm surprised.
So...I guess I'm just going to go on pretending we're okay on some level even though I'm pretty sure that at some point we actually stopped being brothers and are kinda now just strangers who share a last name and sort of know some of the same people. But, I guess you know, I hope you know that if you need anything I'm here, even if that anything is just someone to do grunt work you don't want to or can't do because you're way better at making a distinction between dream you and you you than I'll ever be.
I'm sorry I fucked up. I'm sorry I keep fucking up. I don't think I'll ever be able to fix it and I don't know that lying to ourselves and saying that we should try to get to know each other without the past tripping us up is going to work either. Because it will. It always does. It's what the past is for. Anyway, you're the only family worth anything that I've got and I just...I'm sorry I'm a piss poor excuse for a brother.
This is a bullshit email.
I probably shouldn't send it, but I'm going to anyway. I'm taking a drive out in the Impala later as far from the OC as I can get so Cas and I can finally have a talk about figuring out some way to salvage what we've got.
This is why you don't leave me unsupervised with shit to say because I never quite know how to say it and it always comes out wrong and rambly and contradictory.
Just...keep your head above water, okay Sammy? And like I said before, even if you don't ever reply to this know that if you need anything, anything at all, I'll be right here.