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Princess Leia Organa ([info]nonerfherders) wrote in [info]utr_logs,
@ 2011-10-03 20:37:00

Previous Entry  Add to memories!  Tell a Friend!  Next Entry
Entry tags:han solo, jaina solo, leia organa

Who: Leia Organa, Han Solo, and eventually Jaina Solo
What: Awkward secrets, awkward meetings, a lot of awkward.
When: Monday afternoon
Where: New York, then Central Park
Warnings: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawkward.

Leia sat in a booth in the back of a restaurant--the same one Han had dragged her to after her arrival on Earth, where they'd had their long conversation about what was going on and what to do from this point. They might as well have this next milestone conversation in the same place.

Leia sighed. She'd been trained too well (albeit with extreme reluctance) by her aunts to fiddle with her braids just because she was nervous, but it was tempting; her hands wanted something to do. She doubted Han would be as worried by what she had to tell him as she was; she only hoped he would respect her concerns rather than dismissing them.

At least Luke was here now. Even if he'd forgiven their father, an idea Leia found incomprehensible, he at least understood why she found the situation so difficult. Perhaps in time she could learn to match his compassion, but she suspected it would take a while. In many ways Luke was a better person than she was.

Leia waited.


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[info]lessthantwelve
2011-10-03 11:32 pm UTC (link)
Han was slightly worried about what Leia had to tell him. She usually didn't get nervous about nothing, so whatever this was it was likely important.

Slipping into the booth next to her, Han tilted his head down to press a quick kiss to her lips. It couldn't be as bad as all that frown, could it?

(Reply to this)


[info]nonerfherders
2011-10-04 09:14 am UTC (link)
Leia smiled up at him, accepting the kiss. "Hi." She scooted closer, resting her head against his chest. "Thanks for coming."

(Reply to this)


[info]lessthantwelve
2011-10-05 12:23 am UTC (link)
She was already cuddling.

This could not be good.

"Hey, no worries. Now what's up?" He looked at her intently, hoping she would trust him. Whatever it was, it couldn't be that bad.

(Reply to this)


[info]nonerfherders
2011-10-05 09:43 am UTC (link)
Leia sighed and rubbed the back of her neck as she sat up again. "Two things. First, I'm meeting Jaina later this afternoon. I'd like you to be there, if you will." She half-smiled. "It should be both of us. We are her parents, after all."

She bit the inside of her lip. "Second...is the reason it's taken me so long to feel able to meet with her. Which gets rather complicated, so bear with me, please." She frowned and leaned forward to rest her arms on the table, trying to think where to begin. "Remember that last night on Endor, when you asked what was going on and I couldn't tell you? I'd been talking with Luke."

(Reply to this)


[info]lessthantwelve
2011-10-07 04:38 am UTC (link)
Boy, did Han remember. He remembered seething with jealousy, then confusion mixed with jealousy, then other emotions he would not think of with her pressed so close to him.

"Yeah. I remember."

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[info]nonerfherders
2011-10-07 09:37 am UTC (link)
Leia remembered too. Not just all the turmoil, but that he had been willing to hold and comfort her despite his obvious hurt. She'd appreciated that.

Now, she tented her hands, resting her head against them. "That was the night Luke told me I was his sister. But before that he told me...a number of other things. He'd felt Vader's presence on the moon, knew Vader could sense him in return, he was putting us in danger by being there. That's part of why he went to face him alone." Leia closed her eyes. "If he failed, he said, it would be my responsibility--as his sister, as the only person who shared his power, or the potential for it--to pick up where he'd left off, put an end to Vader and the Emperor. I asked him to run." She was a bit ashamed of that, but she hadn't been able to stand the idea of losing him, had been sure he was going to his death. It'd been a desperate moment. "He wouldn't. He said he had to face him." She swallowed, hard. "Because Vader was his father."

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[info]lessthantwelve
2011-10-07 01:01 pm UTC (link)
It was so hard to reconcile. This small, brave, good woman was the daughter of one of the most feared and evil men in the galaxy.

No wonder she was afraid to meet her daughter.

Han sat there for a moment, pulling her still closer and stroking her hair, just as he had the night she found out. Trying to tell her it was okay. It was, it didn't really matter to him, but it mattered to her, and that's all that counted.

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[info]nonerfherders
2011-10-07 01:36 pm UTC (link)
Leia let herself be held, grateful for Han's silence. This was every bit as difficult as she'd anticipated. "I knew I was adopted. It wasn't common knowledge, of course, but I was told. It didn't really matter to me. I had parents, and the best father anyone could ask for. I didn't wonder often about my birth parents. It certainly never occurred to me that I was adopted because I'd been placed in hiding for my own protection, or as an emergency secret weapon of some sort." That idea was still strange to her, even after a few months of training with Luke--well, a Luke, the vortex certainly made things confusing--in how to sense and use the Force. In all her life, she'd never suspected she might have any such ability.

She sighed. This was drifting away from the point. "After you were gone...it took a long time to try and come to terms with this, and maybe I haven't yet, but one thing I did decide was that I wasn't going to have children. I didn't want to take the risk that they'd turn out like Vader." She would not refer to him as her father. Her father was Bail Organa. "So, arriving here, and learning about Jaina..." Leia sighed again. "I don't know what to think. Maybe something changed my mind, I don't know. All I know is that I'm terrified of the possibilities here. It's not fair to your or to her, but that's how it is. I'll try to move on despite that, but..." She couldn't think how to finish.

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[info]lessthantwelve
2011-10-08 05:30 am UTC (link)
The depth of her anguish was actually overwhelming Han, and he pressed his lips to her forehead again, trying to think of the right words. He could give her his gut; that whatever had been wrong with Vader wasn't doomed to visit her children, that she was worried about nothing, that it was all right.

But she was his Leia, and an easy answer wouldn't calm her spirits.

"But it's hard. It's a lot of... everything." Han sighed, taking her hand. "Especially with Jaina here. I know she wants to meet you badly, and you'll be real proud of her when you do, but... I understand." He prayed this was the right thing. Anything to make that fear leave her expression.

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[info]nonerfherders
2011-10-08 09:07 am UTC (link)
"I'm sure I will." She was, actually. Clearly Jaina was as good a person as anyone could wish, or else Han wouldn't have so high an opinion of her. That was part of what made Leia feel so guilty about having taken all this time. It wasn't lack of trust, or at least, not distrust of Jaina herself, not with Han vouching for her. But she doubted either of them knew that, and she knew how it must look. "What frightens me is what she might know. If we had any other children, what happened to them, why they might not be here with her. If anything...happens to Luke or I." She couldn't imagine Luke giving in to the dark side of the Force, ever, but herself...that was an idea to lead to nightmares.

But she also knew this fear of hers had to be faced and conquered, for that same reason. Which was partly why she was doing all of this.

"So...yes, a lot of everything." Leia squeezed his hand, then brought it to her mouth and kissed the back of it. "Thank you. I know it's been hard for you to be caught in the middle like this, especially when you didn't even know why." She looked directly at him, for the first time since beginning the conversation. "It's not that I didn't want to have children with you, you know. It was never that. I would. Very much."

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[info]lessthantwelve
2011-10-08 04:29 pm UTC (link)
Han had to give her a little bit of a grin for that.

"Clearly, you did. Very much." He kissed her forehead. "And from the sounds of it, we were good parents too. Not that it surprises me from you."

Still surprised the hell out of him that he was, however.

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[info]nonerfherders
2011-10-08 04:48 pm UTC (link)
Leia chuckled. "Maybe the real answer at the bottom of this riddle is just that I was unable to resist you. That would figure." She tilted her head to kiss him properly. Well, not too properly.

"I don't know about me as a mother, given--as you regularly point out--that my priorities are always divided. Though maybe that's something that can be different here." She had responsibilities here, yes, but it really wasn't on the magnitude of build a working stable galactic government from the ruins of the corrupt old one, try not to get shot while you're doing it. "But you'd make a fine father. I have no doubt of that, even if you do. What has she told you? About us as parents? Or should I wait and ask her?" Leia really had no idea how to go about this. It was frustrating to enter a battle with no strategy. And the habit of thinking of difficult situations as battles requiring strategy was a hard one to lose, but something she clearly needed to work on.

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[info]lessthantwelve
2011-10-09 07:08 pm UTC (link)
Han had to shrug. "Not much. She told me I was a good dad, that's about it. But she turned out good. I guess I figure we had to be better than average."

Han sighed. "When are you going to meet her?"

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[info]nonerfherders
2011-10-10 11:53 am UTC (link)
"I said we'd meet her in Central Park after I'd taken the time to talk to you about...all this. So as soon as we've finished here. Which I guess is now." Leia bit the inside of her lip, looking vulnerable--not something she let happen often, but there was no point in hiding things from Han. He saw through her no matter what face she wore. She was never sure if it was comforting or infuriating that he could do that. Probably both. "Is there any way I can make it up to her, do you think?"

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[info]lessthantwelve
2011-10-10 11:25 pm UTC (link)
Han stood up, giving her his hand in a gesture equal parts support and comfort.

"Just give her a chance, I think. I'm not great with this sort of thing, but I think all she wants is that."

(Reply to this)


[info]nonerfherders
2011-10-11 10:13 pm UTC (link)
Leia took his hand and squeezed it as she stood. "That I can do. I should have done it before." It'd all happened so fast, too fast to process. New world, her relationship with Han, losing Luke and then finding him again...there'd just been too many new issues, even without the old ones that she hadn't really faced.

Hopefully it wasn't too late, and Jaina would be as willing to give her mother a chance.

She kept hold of Han's hand as they found the portkey that would take them to Central Park.

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[info]abadfeeling
2011-10-12 09:18 pm UTC (link)
Jaina sat on a park bench, examining her fingernails. She'd cleaned up quite a bit before the meeting, but she always seemed to find a smudge of oil somewhere. Too much like her Dad.

The twins were at home with Harmony. She was completely confident that they would be fine, and Harmony could handle anything. Still, being nervous about this meeting sort of sifted out into her being nervous about everything else. She'd glanced at her phone more often than she really needed to, making sure she hadn't received any frantic messages.

She felt her mother's presence well before they were within earshot and looked up. She smiled a little as they approached. 'Calm down,' she told herself, taking a deep breath.

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[info]lessthantwelve
2011-10-14 02:51 am UTC (link)
Han gave a little wave to Jaina, squeezing Leia's hand at the same time. Who the hell would ever put him in the role of diplomat?

Leading Leia towards the bench, he did the only thing he could think to do that wouldn't screw this up. For once, Han Solo kept his big mouth shut.

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[info]nonerfherders
2011-10-14 02:54 pm UTC (link)
Leia could feel something as they approached. It was an unfamiliar presence, but one that called to her; a sort of prodding, there is a connection here, be aware of it feeling. She really needed to ask Luke for more training, if he would.

And she saw Jaina for the first time.

Leia had an epiphany.

This was her daughter. Their daughter, hers and Han's. Leia loved Han deeply, fully anticipated spending the rest of her life with him, and she could see traces of both of them in this woman. Her own short stature and brown eyes, Han's stance and a few small oil-stains dotting the hem of the shirt. Both of them, combined into and with someone new, someone she all at once couldn't wait to meet. Why hadn't she realized it before?

Leia ran forward and grabbed Jaina in a hug.

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[info]abadfeeling
2011-10-14 03:36 pm UTC (link)
Jaina had stood up when they'd gotten closer, smoothing her shirt a little. She'd been trying to fight the apprehension back. Han had taken things relatively well, but it still took time for him to warm up to her. Leia's hug took her completely by surprise.

After a shocked moment, Jaina hugged her mother back. It had been so long since she'd seen Leia. "Hello, Mom," she said, her voice shaking a little.

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[info]lessthantwelve
2011-10-15 12:27 am UTC (link)
See? Knew it would work.

Smiling slightly to himself, Han nodded over Leia's shoulder at Jaina in a fatherly expression of See? It's all fine. Nothing to worry about.

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[info]nonerfherders
2011-10-16 11:28 am UTC (link)
Mom. That would take some getting used to. But for the first time, Leia was beginning to think she might be able to get used to it.

"Hello, Jaina," Leia managed, her own voice not exactly steady. She stepped back, holding the other woman at arms length and looking at her closely. She was smiling, though there was an uncertain edge to it. "I...don't know where to start. I'm sorry, and I'm glad to meet you finally. And thank you."

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[info]abadfeeling
2011-10-18 10:53 pm UTC (link)
Jaina smiled, looking about as awkward and unsure as her mom did. It was a little eerie, the similarity. "It's okay. The vortex is crazy. It was pretty wild when I showed up, too." It was a little off-putting, her mother looking at her like that. She glanced away after a moment. "I've been here a long time. A few extra days can't hurt." She meant that, for the most part. She'd been upset before, but seeing her mother made her feel better. Things were still awkward, but she felt hopeful.

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[info]nonerfherders
2011-10-22 09:35 am UTC (link)
Leia's smile lost some of its uncertain edge. She was sure it hadn't been as easy as that, but she appreciated the gesture. She squeezed her daughter's shoulders briefly, then let go. "Then will you tell me about yourself?" she asked, starting to walk. Leia thought better when she was moving, even if it was just a slow meander through a park. And it was a nice park. "How long have you been here?"

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[info]abadfeeling
2011-10-22 07:33 pm UTC (link)
Jaina fell into step beside her mother, relieved for the walk. It meant they weren't just standing there looking at eachother awkwardly. She could look at the path in front of her now without seeming rude. How long? It took her a minute to think. "Almost six years. There was somewhere else first, an island. But most of it's been here." She paused, not sure where to start.

"I, um.. Before all that, I studied with Uncle Luke at the Jedi Academy. I have a twin brother, too, and a younger brother." She should probably pause and let Leia digest all that. Too much sharing at once might scare her off.

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[info]nonerfherders
2011-10-30 06:19 pm UTC (link)
Leia's step faltered only for a brief second. Somehow it hadn't occurred to her that there might be more than one, but of course there would be. She'd always been lonely, growing up; she'd had her best friend, Winter, but had longed for a brother or sister of her own. Finding Luke had been finding part of herself that'd always been missing. Of course if she had children, she want to make sure they had the experience of having siblings from the start.

But they couldn't be here, or she'd have heard about them, or Han would have. Poor Jaina. Leia's expression was sympathetic as she said, "They're not here with you?"

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[info]abadfeeling
2011-10-30 06:43 pm UTC (link)
Jaina shook her head. "They were for a while." She had lost a lot of people. Sometimes they came back, sometimes they didn't. She was at peace with it now, for the most part. "Sometimes people disappear." She smiled a bit at her mother. "It's all right."

"There are other people in my life, too. I haven't been alone."

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[info]nonerfherders
2011-10-30 06:48 pm UTC (link)
"Disappear?" Leia reached for Han's hand and gripped it hard. "So the vortex can take us back, as abruptly as it's brought us here?" That wasn't good news at all. Or was it? There was a lot to do back home.

But a lot she wanted to do here, now, with her family.

...well, there was nothing she could do about the vortex. Back to now. "What are their names? Your brothers, I mean. And anyone else who's important to you."

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[info]abadfeeling
2011-10-30 07:13 pm UTC (link)
Jaina frowned. She hadn't meant to worry her mother. "I don't know. I've been here the whole time." She didn't know what caused it to happen.

"Jacen and Anakin," she answered. "Then there's Harmony.. Dad met her. She's my... She's important to me," Jaina said, not really sure how to describe Harmony. They didn't have official titles, or anything. She ran a hand through her hair. "And Caitlyn and Christopher.."

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[info]nonerfherders
2011-11-05 03:20 pm UTC (link)
Leia smiled at important to me. Not hard to read between those lines. Good. It made her feel better to know Jaina wasn't alone here. "Caitlyn and Christopher?" she prompted.

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