InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "my little pony tales"

Merrill doesn't believe in shoes (little_elf_lost) wrote in utr_logs,
@ 2011-06-28 16:47:00

Entry tags:

marian hawke, merrill

Who: Merrill and Hawke
What: Confessions and awkward conversation
Warnings: I don't think so?

The closer she got to home, the less composed she felt. When she left Anders' home, she was at least somewhat calm. By the time Loki greeted her at the stairs, she was nearly in tears. She was still confused and felt lost, but now she felt guilty, too. She hadn't been deliberately trying to betray Hawke, but that was what she'd done, wasn't it? And in spite of all of that, she needed Hawke. She needed Hawke to help her make sense of things.

She made it partway up the stairs before plopping down and wrapping her arms around Loki, burying her face in his fur. "I'm a terrible person," she mumbled to the dog. "No wonder my clan wanted me gone."

(Post a new comment)

	kirkwallchamp 2011-06-28 10:10 pm UTC (link)
	Loki's 'greeting' had caught Hawke's attention - he might've been little still, but he had a big bark. She'd guessed it would be Merrill, but... even coming down to her from upstairs, she could tell something was wrong. She knew her that well, at least. "Merrill? What's wrong?" she moved to sit beside her on the stairs, concern in her eyes. "Did something happen?" (Reply to this) (Thread)

little_elf_lost
2011-06-28 10:21 pm UTC (link)

Merrill looked up to see Hawke, and realized she had no idea how to tell her what had happened. "I..." Should she just blurt it out? She really didn't know how Hawke would take it. She'd told Anders not to worry, but now it seemed so different. What if Hawke wouldn't talk to either of them.

She tried to blink back tears, her voice sounding strained when she finally spoke. "I.. I went to get some toys for Ser Pouncealot."

Maybe she should start from the beginning.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	kirkwallchamp 2011-06-28 10:25 pm UTC (link)
	"That cat's spoilt by you..." not that Hawke could blame her, it was a very adorable kitty. Anders had definitely made the right sort of choice there. "So, I guess that means you went to see Anders? Did he do something?" If he had, she might be tempted to punch him. Or worse. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

little_elf_lost
2011-06-28 10:34 pm UTC (link)

"No. Well." Merrill had pulled Loki onto her lap, cuddling him like a big teddy bear. "He was naked," she said, blushing brightly. "And then Zevran was naked." She was probably in the minority, but she really hadn't wanted to see Zevran naked. And he'd acted as though everything was completely normal! Merrill covered her eyes, rubbing the bridge of her nose at that memory.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

kirkwallchamp
2011-06-28 10:39 pm UTC (link)

Hawke couldn't help but make a face at that. Zevran naked... well, Isabela liked him, but she'd never really seen the attraction - and that was coming from someone who had a self-confessed attraction to most elves.

"Can't blame him for enjoying himself, I guess, but... he gave you a key. You think that'd make him want to put pants on more often." And now she had terrible mental images of him wandering around naked. Bad Hawke, not the time for those thoughts.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

little_elf_lost
2011-06-28 10:48 pm UTC (link)

Merrill nodded a little.. She really needed to come out and say it. "Zevran left and Anders put clothes on and then he yelled at me and then I cried and then he hugged me and then I.. I kissed him." She bit her lower lip, not quite able to look at Hawke. "Then he kissed me back and then I ran away."

She really hoped Hawke wouldn't yell at her or leave or.. "Please don't hate me."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

kirkwallchamp
2011-06-28 11:14 pm UTC (link)

Well, that was one way to strike Hawke almost speechless. She couldn't hate Merrill for doing it - hell, she couldn't hate Merrill for anything - but... it was a confusing mess of emotions, to say the least.

"I could never hate you..." she gently turned Merrill to face her, biting her lip slightly before speaking. "Just... well, how did kissing him feel, compared to me? It... could just explain things a little, emotion-wise."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

little_elf_lost
2011-06-29 12:13 am UTC (link)

Merrill looked up at Hawke, hesitantly. "What? Compared to you?" Strangely enough, the idea of comparing them hadn't even crossed Merrill's mind. "I.. I don't know. Scratchier? And taller." She shifted, feeling uncomfortable talking about the kiss. "I love you, Hawke. I like being with you more. It was.. nice? Kissing Anders. I didn't think he would kiss me back," she said, blushing brightly.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have. It was just.. confusing." Her voice shook a little. "I just.. I didn't like that he was with Zevran." Was she jealous? That seemed ridiculous. She shouldn't be jealous of Zevran and Anders; she had Hawke!

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

kirkwallchamp
2011-06-29 12:25 am UTC (link)

That sounded like jealousy to Hawke. Could she have... no, that didn't sound right. The relationships between the three of them were odd enough to begin with. It was worth putting out there, though.

Not that it didn't make it any less awkward to say. "It sounds like you might like Anders in the way you like me... not as much, if you prefer me, but... still." Yeah, she really could've phrased this better, but words were never really her strong point. "No matter what it is, just know I'm not going to stop loving you anytime soon."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	little_elf_lost 2011-06-29 01:29 am UTC (link)
	Merrill frowned a little. "Not..as much." It didn't feel the same. "You're Hawke, and I'm your Merrill. I love you. Anders is.. He's a friend that.. kisses well." That sounded bad. She shook her head. "I don't know." She looked up at Hawke. "Are you mad?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	kirkwallchamp 2011-06-29 01:46 am UTC (link)
	Hawke shook her head. "Not mad. I... don't know what I'll do when I see Anders again, but I won't hurt him." Really, she was lucky she was the calmer one in her family. She knew certain other people - mentioning no names - would've declared war on Anders the moment Merrill had said she'd seen him naked. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	little_elf_lost 2011-06-29 02:01 am UTC (link)
	"That's good.. I. It's very confusing," she said, nudging Loki off her lap so she could move a little closer to Hawke. "I didn't want him to be upset. I hate it when he yells at me." It never bothered her before. She'd ignored most of his nagging back in Kirkwall. Now it was different, though. "It would be like you yelling at me." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

kirkwallchamp
2011-06-29 02:15 am UTC (link)

Hawke pulled her a little closer still, pressing a kiss against the top of her head. "I'm not about to do that... I thought Anders yelling at you didn't bother you, though? It never really seemed to in Kirkwall, when he was busy pointing out all the bad things about blood magic..."

Not that she agreed with him. She'd found blood magic to be pretty useful sometimes, when used right.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	little_elf_lost 2011-06-29 02:47 am UTC (link)
	Merrill smiled a little, nestling against Hawke's side, leaning against her. "It didn't bother me before. It's different now, though. He's been nicer to me. He's my friend." She frowned. "I don't want to lose that now. He's important to me." She pressed her cheek against Hawke's shoulder, frowning a little. "I think I may have messed that all up." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

kirkwallchamp
2011-06-29 02:59 am UTC (link)

Well, that made sense. Without the yelling about blood magic and Justice being a killjoy, Anders really was a lot more friendly... even if a little too much so at times.

"We could talk to him and see?" she suggested. Sure, maybe seeing him wasn't the brightest idea, but it'd stop them all from jumping to conclusions about things. "He's probably thinking I'm plotting how to kill him right now, after all..."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	little_elf_lost 2011-06-29 01:06 pm UTC (link)
	Merrill nodded, but didn't move. She wasn't sure what Hawke planned to say to Anders, but it was better than refusing to talk to him at all. "Can we just... stay here for a bit, first? I just want to be with you for a while." Hawke had said that she wasn't angry with Merrill, and she believed that. Still, Merrill was shaken and she wanted to be held. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

kirkwallchamp
2011-06-29 06:10 pm UTC (link)

Hawke certainly had no objections to that. Time spent with Merrill made her happy and kept her mind relatively calm, after all, and that was kinda what she'd need before dealing with all this... confusingness.

"I don't think leaving him to panic for a little while will do him too much harm," however, there was one thing. "Staying here might confuse Varric, though..."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	little_elf_lost 2011-07-01 12:38 am UTC (link)
	Merrill nuzzled Hawke's neck, pouting. "Varric does bodyshots in the kitchen. This can't be that confusing." She'd just been planning on cuddling, but she certainly wouldn't argue if Hawke suggested more. "Unless he trips over us." They were sort of in the way. And the bed was more comfortable than the stairs.. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

kirkwallchamp
2011-07-01 12:50 am UTC (link)

Hawke chuckled softly, shifting to pick Merrill up and carry her to the bedroom. Being a mage didn't mean she couldn't be strong, after all - all that hitting things with a staff kinda paid off, really. "That'd just be awkward... how would you really explain it without him taking things incredibly wrong?"

It was kinda Varric's 'thing' to do that, in Hawke's experience. Number of times he'd made sly comments to Anders back in Kirkwall...

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

little_elf_lost
2011-07-01 01:07 am UTC (link)

Merrill giggled as she was picked up and carried. "We couldn't. I think he likes taking things incredibly wrong. We don't need to give him any help." She wondered what Varric would say if he found out Merrill had kissed Anders again.

She was glad Hawke was there for her, and that she wasn't angry. Hawke might be just as confused as Merrill, but she always seemed confident, like she had a plan. Merrill trusted in that, and it made her not worry so much.

(Reply to this) (Parent)