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Jason Todd ([info]redhero) wrote in [info]utr_logs,
@ 2009-03-16 19:39:00

Previous Entry  Add to memories!  Tell a Friend!  Next Entry
Entry tags:death, jason todd

Who: Jason and Death
What: Jason lost his love
Warnings: Sadface!

In a decent world, Jason would have come back from patrolling so exhausted that she couldn't feel much of anything. By rights she should have been passed out, possibly before she reached the bed, clinging tightly to the security blanket of tiredness to keep her from feeling so empty.

Unfortunately, Jason didn't get tired anymore. She got sleepy, sometimes, but that came from staying awake long enough, and Jason hadn't managed that yet. Eventually she would sleep, but then she would wake up and feel the cool, untouched sheets beside her and whatever feelings of contentment she'd carried over from her dreams would drain out of her.

She stepped out of the shower and took on a male form only because the deodorant was on the top shelf and she wasn't in the mood to jump for it. Jason, now a man, stared into the mirror for a moment, looking away only when he realized he could still make out a message he'd written to Cassandra.

When he walked out of the bathroom, he noticed the answering machine flashing. "One new message," it said. Jason listened with half an ear as he got dressed. "This is Marie calling from Bakehouse Bakery about your wedding cake delivery. If you could call to confirm that it should be delivered to your home rather than the ceremony--Message deleted."


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[info]justafriend
2009-03-16 08:00 pm UTC (link)
"Wrong button."

Whether he'd noticed or not, Death had been keeping an eye on Jason since he'd first announced Cassandra's disappearance. The good thing about not really having a body was that she could watch him silently without smothering him.

If she were younger, she suspected she might have given him even more space. But human contact, it seemed, had made her soft. The thought of Jason going through the motions, facing an empty apartment, eating dinner alone, was just more than she could stand.

So she appeared behind him, quiet and still. "Your shirt," she clarified.

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[info]redhero
2009-03-16 08:46 pm UTC (link)
"Hm?" Jason looked down and noticed that Death was right, his shirt had been misbuttoned. "Oh. Thanks." It wasn't as if anyone was likely to see him anytime soon (Death excepted, of course, but she'd seen him almost die of smoke inhalation, so a misbuttoned shirt was hardly the worst condition in their history) but he buttoned his shirt anyway.

Questions like What are you doing here? and How can I help you? ran through his mind, but Jason ignored them. He knew why she was there. She was worried about him. It almost brought a smile to his face to know she cared, but not quite. "How are you?"

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[info]justafriend
2009-03-16 08:52 pm UTC (link)
She couldn't find it in her to treat him like he was breakable. Death had seen Jason through more than a few traumas. Nothing had been as bad as this, really. Death knew how to deal with the injured and the dying; she wasn't quite so versed when it came to a shattered heart. No matter what, she didn't want to be too cautious around him. She was quite sure his other friends were doing that. And she was almost as sure that he didn't need more of that in his life right now.

"I'm peachy," she said, "Just came from a funeral. It was a nice one." She was entirely sincere. "How are you?" As she asked, she glanced over at him. Her gaze lingered just a moment longer than it normally would have.

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[info]redhero
2009-03-16 10:18 pm UTC (link)
"Fine." He was about to point out that it was rather late for a funeral, but since she was spread all over the universe, it made little difference what time it was in New York. In his darker moments--and it said quite a bit that this was one of his lighter ones--he'd wondered if it might have been easier if Cassandra had died, rather than disappearing. After all, he'd at least have been able to say goodbye. Death might even have granted her a stay long enough to say it in person.

"Would you like something to eat? Alfred sent over a lot of food." There was a basket on the counter, probably chosen because Jason would appreciate that touch of whimsy. Alfred had been right enough; given the choice, he'd much rather a picnic basket than a brown paper bag, though it made little difference at the moment. "I was just about to have dinner, but there's plenty for... both of us." The phrase "all of us" had been on the tip of his tongue, and he'd had to chase it away.

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[info]justafriend
2009-03-16 10:27 pm UTC (link)
Death, who existed in the realm of the morbid at all times, had given thought to the fact that it might have been kinder for Jason if he'd had had to bury Cassandra. It seemed worse to not be left with a body with which he might be able to say goodbye, that there would be no service for her and no memorial raised in her honor. Still, Death knew that loss was loss. Nothing that ended with Cassandra being gone would have been easy for Jason to deal with.

"Sure," she said, her cheeriness only just barely tuned down. Nevermind the fact that she didn't really feel hunger. Even if she'd been mortal and stuffed to the gills, she would have found a way to eat with Jason just so that he wouldn't have to do it alone.

Death looked over at the basket and smiled. "He didn't put a bow on it?"

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[info]redhero
2009-03-16 11:13 pm UTC (link)
That managed to get a smirk out of Jason. "Yeah, but it clashed with my shirt, so I put it away." He'd never wondered how Alfred got the basket into the house; to his knowledge, Alfred didn't have a key, and Jason invariably locked his doors, and there was a chain. The door was still locked and apparently untouched, but it was Alfred. Alfred made dust turn tail and run. Alfred made chocolate cake out of flour and water. Alfred could heal a broken bone by glaring at the injury until it mended itself. Getting through a locked door without unlocking it was hardly a challenge at all.

"Let's see." He pulled out a foil-wrapped pouch. "Lamb souvlaki, I think." A small tupperware container contained a salad, presumably the motherly part of Alfred that was constantly badgering his children to eat their vegetables. Jason divided the food onto plates and sat at the kitchen table.

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[info]justafriend
2009-03-17 10:45 am UTC (link)
Death followed closely behind and sat next to Jason, careful to avoid taking Cassandra's usual seat. She folded her legs underneath her and pulled her plate closer. Before she took a bite, she raised an arm and leaned the side of her face against a closed fist. "It's been a while since I've eaten anything that wasn't breakfast," she mused, looking at what Alfred had prepared.

An uncomfortable silence seemed to fill the room in spite of the fact that they were talking, but Death ignored it. She could feel Jason's tension, knew that he would break sooner or later, but didn't encourage him either way. She'd let him react to his loss on his own terms. After a moment of thought, she speared meat and raised her fork to her lips.

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[info]redhero
2009-03-17 08:30 pm UTC (link)
Jason sensed the discomfort, but didn't really feel it any more than he felt anything else. He ate to keep from being hungry and did his best to stay focused on Death and not where Cassandra wasn't. "There is food out there that isn't waffles. Despite what George may tell you."

Jason and Cassandra's first date--so to speak--had been trying to outdo each other by eating spicy food. Cassandra won by virtue of being too competitive to give up, so it probably served her right. "Everything reminds me of her. I keep trying not to think about it, but the smallest thing will jog my memory. And I'm not even sad. I just... think. I dunno. I wonder if I'm just trying to make myself cry."

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[info]justafriend
2009-03-17 08:39 pm UTC (link)
Death smiled, though she didn't really feel especially amused. She noticed how Jason's eyes would slowly wander towards Cassandra's usual seat and then dart back elsewhere when he realized what he was doing. "We have ice cream sometimes, too," she said. "We pretty much eat breakfast and dessert."

Before she spoke again, she chewed thoughtfully on some food and tried not to look sad. "Maybe you are," Death's voice was quiet and soft. "Maybe you need to." She suspected he did.

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[info]redhero
2009-03-17 09:38 pm UTC (link)
"Probably. But it's not happening." That wasn't the reason he went out--it was mostly a futile attempt to exhaust himself--but he suspected it wasn't a coincidence that he traced a path very similar to the one that he and Cassandra always followed when they went out together. The two of them together went into more dangerous areas than either of them individually, but Jason had managed without her, which probably would have been even more depressing if there had been anywhere left for him to fall.

"The other night I just sat there and tried to make myself cry. I mean, I'm effectively immortal. Eventually Cassandra will probably show up again. But odds are good that she won't remember me, and she'll have led a different life from my Cass, so she'll basically be a different person. And then eventually she'll leave or die, too. But nothing." He shrugged. "I suppose making my peace with a long lifespan is a bright side, of sorts."

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[info]justafriend
2009-03-17 09:50 pm UTC (link)
Death slid her plate forward enough that she could lay her hands flat on the table and rest her chin on top of them. She watched Jason with knowing eyes. "You're not making peace with your almost-immortality here," she said, after staring at him. For a moment she considered telling him that there were no immortals, but that seemed a silly point to get stuck on.

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[info]redhero
2009-03-18 05:08 am UTC (link)
"You're probably right." Ordinarily he would joke. Try to distract her, or make inject some dark humor into a situation already dark enough. It didn't happen this time. Instead he focused on eating, mostly in silence.

Jason was grateful for Death being there, but less out of loneliness than normalcy. Jason and Cass didn't always eat dinner together, but having a warm body nearby was still a comfort. It was such a normal, mundane thing that he could almost fool himself into thinking that there was nothing wrong.

He suddenly paused eating and looked up. "Do you hear that?" Jason stood up and seemed to wander around the apartment, muttering to himself, "No, this way... is it louder?... where did it go...?"

Finally he stopped in front of a coat rack from which was hanging a leather jacket. After a moment's hesitation, he reached into the pocket and shakily withdrew a small, silver cell phone. As he stared at it, the ringtone switched to the voicemail tone. "My work phone. Cass took it by mistake." He stared at it silently for a moment, then his lip started to quiver. Ah, he thought, his mind clinging to the last vestiges of dispassion before he gave himself over completely to sobbing. That's what's going to do it. The tears were falling before he was through with his thought.

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[info]justafriend
2009-03-19 12:54 pm UTC (link)
And there it was. As he wandered through the apartment, Death quietly watched him. She might have been counting down the seconds to him breaking down. Once he had, she was by his side, without so much as a moment of hesitation stopping her.

Words seemed more than a little useless as Jason started to shake. An apology just couldn't do this situation justice. So she held her tongue and simply reached out. Her arms didn't go around him. They probably would, but she didn't embrace him right away. First, she just laid her hand against his arm. Her touch was cool and light. She waited for him to move or to speak or for the wail of sorrow that was due any moment now.

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[info]redhero
2009-03-19 11:16 pm UTC (link)
Jason fell to his knees, feeling uncomfortably weak. Standing up or running away or even just throwing the phone seemed an impossible task; instead he continued to stare at the phone, even though he couldn't see it. In his mind's eye, he could see himself buying it; after spending so long accidentally stealing her pager (and having her steal his) he'd decided to just get a second cell phone for work. He'd come home to find Cassandra proudly announcing that she'd solved their problem of constantly stealing the other's pager, by simply switching to a second cell phone just for work.

It was such a tiny thing. But maybe that's why it'd been effective. He built up all kinds of defenses against feeling her absence that missing one tiny aspect was enough to affect him. There'd be no more confusion. No calls during his lunchbreak to tell her who'd called. No afternoons spent trading phones and stealing a few minutes for kisses. No nights together fighting crime.

No more Cassandra.

Jason took a great, shuddering breath and rested his head against Death's shoulder.

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[info]justafriend
2009-03-20 07:30 am UTC (link)
It was difficult to watch a friend be in such pain, but there was no way Death could leave him. Maybe she couldn't take away his pain, but damn if she wouldn't hold him up as he suffered through it. She sank down to the floor with him and leaned into him just a bit as he rested against her. Slowly, gently, her hand slipped down his arm and found his hand.

"I don't know what to say," she admitted, her voice a near whisper. "I can't make this go away. Can't make it any better. I'm sorry." She couldn't help the quiet guilt she felt. She was nearly omnipotent, but she couldn't do anything. It didn't seem right.

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[info]redhero
2009-03-21 04:04 am UTC (link)
"Don't want it to go away," he said, barely comprehensible through his tears. It was that little bit of Bruce that stuck with all of his kids as time went on. You could get over it, you could move past it, you could stop crying and laugh and smile again, but you could even accept it, but it would always be there.

Jason squeezed her hand softly, as if noticing it for the first time. It was comforting to have her there, even if it was only to have a shoulder to cry on. Later, he would probably wish that he'd told her so then, and later still he would probably mention it. Right now, he did no more than accept the small comfort she offered. "I miss her, D."

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[info]justafriend
2009-03-23 08:16 pm UTC (link)
It struck Death for just the briefest of moments that this sort of scene would happen again, probably more than once. Jason was long-lived. He'd lose his family eventually and his friends. George would go through similar things. In the back of Death's mind it struck her that she would one day have to mourn the people she'd grown close to. It was a frightening sort of thought that she didn't let settle. Now was Jason's moment, anyway. After it was all over, maybe, she'd let her mind wander. She could grieve at the briefness of mortality, at how very mortal she'd become lately - later. Kneeling beside him, she let the cool chill run down her spine at the realization that this would happen again, not just for him but for herself, and then she let it pass. Jason was more important.

"I know you do," she whispered. "It isn't fair." She shifted and slid closer to him so that she could put an arm loosely around him. Her other hand squeezed his again.

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[info]redhero
2009-03-26 12:56 pm UTC (link)
"No, it's not." Jason was at the point where he was able to speak, even as tears continued to run down his cheeks. He'd always thought he was better with death than the rest of them. And maybe he was. He certainly had an easier time accepting it than Bruce. But being able to accept things he couldn't control didn't make it any easier to lose Cassandra.

Slowly but surely, the tears were starting to ebb. "I don't feel good, Death. But..." He couldn't really think of a way to phrase it. He didn't feel good, but... at least he felt. Better pain than nothing; pain would eventually end, but numbness could go on forever.

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[info]justafriend
2009-04-02 05:55 pm UTC (link)
"I know," she said, a small smile on her face. There was still sadness in her eyes. Death was unsure whether it was due to her uncanny ability of knowing people or if it was because she'd spent so much time with Jason that she understood what he was trying to say. It didn't really matter, either way.

After a long moment of silence, Death looked around them. "We're... on the floor. We should sit. Or get you to bed. Something."

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[info]redhero
2009-04-06 09:26 pm UTC (link)
"Yeah." He felt exhausted, which was something that hadn't happened in years. He never really felt tired, as a rule. Mostly Jason felt energized until he got hungry or sleepy, at which point he either ate or passed out. But this was draining in a much different way, one he didn't have any powers to prevent.

He'd been Death. He should have been better equipped for this. He wasn't. "Thanks." They stood up together and Death walked him into his bedroom, where she all but tucked him in. He wanted to ask for help, not that she would have been able to provide it, but held back. The emptiness of his bed made falling asleep that much more tempting, lest he start thinking about her again.

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