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Bruce Wayne ([info]greyingknight) wrote in [info]utr_logs,
@ 2008-10-24 22:27:00

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Entry tags:bruce wayne, carrie kelley

Who: Bruce and Carrie
Where: Carrie's apartment
Warnings: Very possibly some yelling and cursing.


Bruce had left an open invitation to the family. He was apprehensive about the reunions. He wasn't expecting a warm welcome, not after he remembered what he'd done. It had been decades for him, but it was still fresh on their minds. And why not? He'd abandoned them. He'd been a fool if he thought it wouldn't change lives.

Restless, he'd left the manor, uncertain of his destination. He walked with a cane, his broken bones not having fully recovered yet. As the hour grew later, he realized where he was going. The streets became more familiar as he made his way to the apartment. His memories were blurred around the edges, and he couldn't be completely certain he was at the right door.

Countless scenarios ran through his head and he tried to rehearse as he knocked. 'You have every right to slam the door in my face. I told you I would let you do this on your own time and I'm prepared to wait as long as you need. But every word was knocked out of him when the door opened and he saw her.



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[info]girlwonder
2008-10-24 11:13 pm UTC (link)
She'd been twenty minutes out of the shower, toweling her hair and watching some TV when she'd heard the knock. Dick was out working and Carrie, who wasn't really used to visitors (almost all her friends came in through the window or knocked before inviting themselves over), glanced at the door and considered simply not answering. But then there'd been another knock. And it'd been a strong knock. So she'd hopped off the couch and opened the door.

And there was Bruce, aged and with a cane in hand, staring down at her.

Carrie's eyes were wide and vulnerability flashed before she got herself under control. She'd wanted to go to him in her catsuit to avoid emotion and hide behind the mask. She'd had plans of steeling herself before meeting him again, to be completely cold and mean and flounce off into the sunset after a quick exchange of goodbyes. But he'd dashed that against the rocks rather quickly by showing up unexpectedly. Maybe he still knew her well enough and had come before she'd completely sealed her emotions away from him.

No matter what his intent, Carrie got over her surprise quickly. "What do you want?" She asked it with as frigid a voice she could muster, narrowing her eyes and almost glaring at him. She was angry and hurt and it didn't help that he looked quite like the Bruce she'd known back home. She didn't stepped aside. She wasn't sure she wanted him in her home. She hadn't been sure she'd ever wanted to talk to him again - let alone have a conversation with him tonight.

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[info]greyingknight
2008-10-24 11:44 pm UTC (link)
It was several moments before Bruce could speak. His breath caught in his chest. She wasn't his Carrie and he knew that. He had to. Everything would fall apart if he forgot that and he would lose them all. But there was an aching in his heart the moment he saw her face.

He'd abandoned her twice now, and the thought of that betrayed look on his wife's face was too much for him. A lump formed in his throat and he leaned on the cane for balance. It seemed like an eternity before he realized he was staring at her, his face lined in vulnerability.

Time started to move again when Carrie spoke, but it still took him time to gauge his body's reactions before he replied. When he was sure his voice wouldn't crack, he spoke. "To see you." It was probably too much to say, but he certainly hadn't done a good job of hiding his emotions.

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[info]girlwonder
2008-10-24 11:56 pm UTC (link)
Carrie watched the emotions dance across his face, trying to figure out what could possibly be running through his mind to make him look at her like that. It was more than a little unnerving, having him stare like that. Her jaw clenched tight as he spoke. And she still was glaring at him like she didn't really want him there.

"You've seen me." Voice thick with bitterness, she had to swallow before continuing, "Now what?" She made no move to step aside and let him in. If he glanced at her hand that held the door open, he'd notice that her knuckles were white from the vice-like grip she had on it. Her face and her posture didn't give her away. Her hand did.

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[info]greyingknight
2008-10-25 12:18 am UTC (link)
Bruce found himself at a loss. He could leave, but he was not entirely certain that he would ever see her again. He had already lost her, and was not confident in his abilities to reconcile at this point. He was so unsure of how to relate to her now. Maybe it had been a mistake to try; his inability to behave normally had probably only upset her more.

"I didn't mean to force this," he said, his tone apologetic. He wasn't going to push his way into her home when she didn't want him there. He hadn't even called. "If I leave," his throat felt dry, like he hadn't used it in years. It was hard for him to finish the sentence and he found himself choking on the words. "Will I get another chance?"

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[info]girlwonder
2008-10-25 12:35 am UTC (link)
"Probably not, no." There was a war going on in Carrie's brain. Part of her wanted to hug him and cry on him and tell him to never leave again. At the same time, she wanted to hit him and curse him and turn him away. The way he looked right now, a few well placed punched might have sent him toppling. Neither side was exactly winning at the moment.

"Why are you here, Bruce?" She resembled a petulant child, the way she looked with cheeks puffed out a little and that ugly look on her face. She shifted on her feet suddenly, as though she might step aside and allow him in. But, changing her mind, she stopped suddenly and looked a little awkward on her feet a moment before regaining her footing.

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[info]greyingknight
2008-10-25 10:59 am UTC (link)
He was here because he couldn't stand not seeing her. The weeks felt like years, and the manor was far too empty. He missed his wife and his children and he couldn't stand by and let this chasm grow between himself and the closest thing he had to that family. The idea of never seeing her again was enough to tear him in half.

"I'm sorry, Carrie," he said, his voice strained. "I wanted to tell you in person." He was unsteady on his feet, and grateful for the cane's camouflage. "I'm sorry. I-" he cut himself off before he could say too much. He needed to plan his words carefully.

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[info]girlwonder
2008-10-25 11:23 am UTC (link)
She opened her mouth to tell him to save it, but the words wouldn't form. Carrie didn't want his apologies. She wasn't quite sure what it was that she wanted from him.

It looked as though he wasn't going to run away just yet. Carrie sighed heavily, brushing damp strands of hair out of her face, and stepped to the side. The only reason her hand wasn't shaking was because her hands didn't do that. "Come in, I guess," she said, voice almost a whisper. When he made a move to enter, she added, "But don't think you're welcome here or anything."

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[info]greyingknight
2008-10-25 11:50 am UTC (link)
He paused at her addendum, taking a deep breath. His lungs felt heavy in his chest. This was for the best, he tried to tell himself. She had to differentiate herself from his Carrie. It wouldn't be smart for him to get too comfortable with her. It was hard seeing her... Almost as hard as it was not seeing her. Had it been a mistake to come?

He made his way inside, doing his best to walk without using the cane too much. The show of strength had come bizarrely important to him suddenly, the idea of invoking a sympathetic reaction because of the cane was unappealing. She was so young. He stood by the couch, turning to face her.

"I know that what I did was stupid and wrong," and about thirty other adjectives he could think of, though probably not as vulgar as the ones Carrie would use. "I've had time to realize that. But in all those years, I don't know if I realized how much that decision hurt you." At the time, he'd believed they were strong enough to get by without them. He believed they didn't need him. He'd been an idiot. "I don't have any right asking you to be a part of my life, Carrie, but I'm afraid if I beg my knees might give out." A small, fragile smile crossed his face. In truth, he was less worried about his knees and more worried Carrie would be disgusted by the display of weakness.

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[info]girlwonder
2008-10-25 12:06 pm UTC (link)
Carrie had crossed her arms over her chest. Her face was blank as he spoke. He didn't need to be the world's greatest detective to know she was doing her best to stay emotionless. She was very much on the defensive here. Had it been different, had she been able to come to him, she imagined it wouldn't have been so hard. But he was here, at her home, and she didn't have anything to hide behind.

"It's not fair," Carrie said. "You left and then you come back old. If we stay mad at you - and most of us will stay mad at you - we're the bad guys because it happened to you so long ago. You're not the same Bruce that left. I get that. I just... don't care." She'd managed to keep her tone even, but it grew more heated as she went on. "You want to beg me? Go the fuck ahead, Bruce. You left and you didn't even say goodbye. Do you remember the note you left?" She laughed and could almost taste the bitterness on her tongue. "I had this plan that when you came back - when Dick dragged you back - I'd leave you the same kind of note telling you that I'm not yours anymore. I'm not Robin anymore, either." She looked down. "If you didn't realize how much you would hurt me by leaving, maybe you didn't know me like I thought you did."

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[info]greyingknight
2008-10-25 12:25 pm UTC (link)
She wasn't his anymore. She couldn't be his anymore. She was distancing herself from Batman, but that didn't hurt nearly as much as her distancing herself from him.

"It isn't. Nothing I did was fair. You're not the bad guys; you never will be. What I did was deplorable, and now I don't think I paid for it enough. There were months--only months--when I thought of it constantly, when I was so angry, when I hated myself. After that.. I was lucky. I was given a life I never deserved." He choked back tears, unable to even put up the pretense of hiding his emotions. He wasn't going to get it back. He wasn't going to get her back. He let go of the cane and dropped to his knees. "So if I have to atone now--if my last few years are spent alone, paying for what I did--no one should make you feel like a bad person." His voice was barely a whisper, now. "But I pray to God you'll take me back."

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[info]girlwonder
2008-10-25 12:33 pm UTC (link)
Carrie hadn't been comfortable before. Now, she was tensing because her discomfort level was insanely high. Bruce showing emotions wasn't something she had ever grown used to. The fact that she might have spied unshed tears in his eyes and that he'd fallen to his knees unnerved her to the point that she took two steps back.

"Stop that," Carrie said, her voice high and thin. Her hands were balled into fists. She was aching to throw a punch, but she couldn't hit an old man while he was begging. "Get up." Her arms were around her middle for comfort now, not for a show of attitude. Carrie wished Dick were here. She wouldn't have felt small and weak if he'd been beside her, backing her up. "Don't..." She swallowed. "Don't do that."

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[info]greyingknight
2008-10-25 12:43 pm UTC (link)
Bruce took his cane and reached for the couch, pulling himself back to his feet. It was strange how he felt ten years older than he did a month ago. His family had always brought him strength, and being around his Carrie couldn't help but make him feel younger. He had never felt this old before.

The look on her face. That was what he'd been afraid of. "Maybe," he started, but he couldn't finish. He didn't want to suggest it. If she was going to kick him out, he would leave. He would say goodbye this time. He had no idea what would happen after that.

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[info]girlwonder
2008-10-25 12:53 pm UTC (link)
"I really..." Carrie laughed. It sounded empty. "I believed in you. And I didn't get why Dick's always been... the way he is with you. But you left me. And I can't just forget that." The world blurred. "You left me." Her voice was thick, now, and she hated herself for it. "And Dick and Jason and Cassandra - and the two of them were in the hospital - and you left Cuddy. And little Dick. And Alfred. And you fucked half of us up." She was crying, but she didn't stop. "So you can't expect us to just welcome you back or forgive you when the person I believed in completely just left me for whatever stupid reason. You were my father and my best friend and my Batman and I was stupid... I was so stupid to think that there was someone I could count on. Everyone else back home taught me that people are shit and I shouldn't have..."

She shook her head and tried to take a deep breath to calm herself but her chest was heaving. She was including the others in her speech, but she was almost entirely talking about herself. Bringing a hand up to her face, she covered her eyes and wiped away tears. "And I still can't even fucking hate you like I want to hate you because I'm that fucking stupid." Angry at herself, at Bruce, at this stupid world for making him even less her Bruce than he had been, Carrie just breathed and told herself to calm down.

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[info]greyingknight
2008-10-25 01:31 pm UTC (link)
There was nothing he could say to defend what he'd done. He wished it hadn't happened, that he could take it back. Of all the mistakes he'd made over the years, he regretted this one most. It had brought him some happiness, but at what cost? Part of him wanted to curse the vortex for taking his happy family away from him, but that was looking backwards. If he kept looking to the past, there was no way he was going to make it.

"Carrie.." He didn't want this. He didn't want to make her like this. It was worse than any emptiness he could feel. "I'm so sorry."

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[info]girlwonder
2008-10-25 01:40 pm UTC (link)
Carrie felt slightly less hysterical, but not any better. "Yeah, I know." She swiped at her eyes, but the tears wouldn't stop. Everything she'd tried to bury after he disappeared was coming back up to the surface. "I know you're sorry, I know you want me to forgive you." She sniffled, unsure if she could.

In hopes of getting herself to stop, she changed the subject. Voice shaky, she asked, "Have you talked to Cass or Dick?" Carrie was certain he'd spoken to Alfred and that Alfred had forgiven him. Dick had found him, so she was sure they'd spoken, too. Jason was on better terms with Bruce than most of the other kids. But Dick and Cassandra had been the two hardest hit by Bruce's abandonment. Carrie wondered if he had reached out to them yet.

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[info]greyingknight
2008-10-25 02:10 pm UTC (link)
"More than I want you to forgive me I want you to be okay." It was quiet, and probably sounded more cheesy than he wanted it to. "I can live with you hating me, but I hate the idea of you losing hope." He knew too well what it was like to stand on the edge of that abyss, and it horrified him that Carrie had taken his place there while he was gone.

He shook his head. "I haven't been able to reach Cassandra. I wasn't. I wanted to let everyone come to me when they were ready. I didn't want to push them." He hadn't come to Carrie with a master plan of breaking through her emotional walls. "I.. meant to afford you the same courtesy but.. I just started walking and my feet led me here." It might have been difficult for her to believe, but the twinge of embarrassment in his voice was genuine. Even now, he wasn't used to not having a plan.

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[info]girlwonder
2008-10-25 02:33 pm UTC (link)
She didn't really react when Bruce admitted that he hadn't meant to come to the apartment. "I'll be fine." She said it quickly and automatically. There was no doubt in Carrie's mind that she'd be anything but fine, given enough time.

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[info]greyingknight
2008-10-25 03:21 pm UTC (link)
He wanted to hug her. Wanted to take her in his arms and be some source of comfort. She wasn't his, though. He didn't want to smother her or invalidate her feelings by pushing her, but it was hard to see her hurting like this.

He took a step toward her, slowly enough that she could ease back if she needed to. He reached out to touch her cheek, to wipe away the tears.

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[info]girlwonder
2008-10-25 03:38 pm UTC (link)
She didn't step away. "I'm fine," she repeated, trying to convince him. Carrie still didn't want him to think that she was weak. It made her a little angry that she still needed him to think her strong.

Bruce's arms slowly, tentatively went around her. And Carrie just let him hug her. She didn't fall into his arms, and she didn't shove him away - in spite of the voice in the back of her head that was telling her to do so. "I'm fine," she muttered fiercely. "And fuck you for leaving me," she said. It was hard to see straight through the tears.

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[info]greyingknight
2008-10-25 03:47 pm UTC (link)
"I know," Bruce said, not letting her go yet. "I know. I'm not." There was a soft, sad laugh behind that. He didn't want her to think he was weak, either, but there were more important things than strength. Right now his family had fallen apart and he didn't know how to fix it.

"I know," he said, resting his cheek on her head. "I'm a fucking asshole." It sounded strange coming from his mouth, and there was a small smile on his lips. She was letting him hug her. It was something to smile about.

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[info]girlwonder
2008-10-25 09:53 pm UTC (link)
She let him hug her for a minute or so before growing a little rigid in his arms. If he'd been expecting her to return the hug or show any sort of warmth toward him, he was going to be disappointed. Carrie exhaled and then spoke into the cloth of his jacket, "Let go." The sound was muffled, but Bruce would understand.

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[info]greyingknight
2008-10-25 10:36 pm UTC (link)
He let his arms fall. He had been planning to drop the hug about then, anyway--that's what he told himself, at least. His brows furrowed and the corners of his mouth turned downward. He felt so lost and unsure. It would've been easier to leave. They'd talked, and he didn't think there was much he could add to the discussion. Maybe it was time to give her some space and time..

But there was still a part of him that was afraid he wouldn't see her again. It was unrealistic to think he would be able to fix this tonight, he knew that.

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[info]girlwonder
2008-10-25 10:48 pm UTC (link)
Carrie wiped her face dry and looked up at Bruce with bloodshot eyes. She looked a lot less mean and withdrawn than she had, but much more tired. Her arms were around her once more; she hugged herself tight and felt small. Once again, she missed Dick and wished he could be there supporting her.

Carrie opened her mouth, almost asking what they were supposed to do now. Then she realized she didn't want Bruce to be in control anymore. "I don't have anything else to say."

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[info]greyingknight
2008-10-26 12:37 am UTC (link)
Bruce ran his hand through his hair, looking down. He hated that he made her like this. "I don't either," he admitted after a pause. He didn't want her to feel like she had to put up a fight. She shouldn't feel like she was on the defensive.

"If you want me to go, I will."

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[info]girlwonder
2008-10-26 11:25 am UTC (link)
She didn't respond right away. Instead, Carrie just watched him closely, noting the hunch of his shoulders and how heavily he leaned on his cane. They were standing only a few feet apart from one another, but it seemed there was a world of distance between them now. He wasn't her Bruce, Carrie realized. He wasn't the Bruce that had left. This man was much more human. Maybe he'd always been this human and she'd just never noticed before. She wondered if he even wore the cowl anymore, but didn't ask. If he revealed that he was done with crime fighting, she imagined she'd start crying again.

This couldn't go on forever. Exhaling quietly, Carrie silently debated for a few moments. Nodding slowly, she muttered, "Yeah, you should go."

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[info]greyingknight
2008-10-26 11:50 am UTC (link)
He nodded. There was so much left unsaid between them, but there was nothing to say. He wanted assurance that this wasn't the last time he'd see her, but he didn't risk hearing the wrong answer by asking. He would just have to have faith. He started for the door, but stopped with his hand on the doorknob.

"Next time I'll call first," he said, hoping there was some levity in his tone.

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[info]girlwonder
2008-10-26 11:55 am UTC (link)
"Bruce..." He might have been joking. But she still needed to make something clear. "I don't..." The words stuck in her throat. She couldn't tell him he wasn't welcome back because it was cruel. Even if she wanted to be cruel, she couldn't quite bring herself to it after this. Clearing her throat, she said, "We can't just go back to..."

Carrie wasn't sure they could be friends anymore. They were tied together, almost forcibly, because they were family. "I can't," she said, almost apologetically.

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[info]greyingknight
2008-10-26 12:14 pm UTC (link)
Bruce didn't turn around. His grip tightened on his cane. He just nodded and started out the door, wishing he could move as swiftly and stealthily as he once had. It would hit him later, once he was alone.

But there was one mistake he couldn't make again. "Goodbye, Carrie." His voice was soft, but she would hear it.

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[info]girlwonder
2008-10-26 12:43 pm UTC (link)
"Bye." She thanked years of training for being able to keep herself standing and strong while he made his way out. Once the door shut behind him, though, she found herself crying again and she hated herself for it.

"Shit," she said, surging toward the door and locking it closed. "Shit," she repeated loudly, not giving thought to the fact that Bruce might have been able to hear her through the door. She wanted to smash something or someone. Carrie wanted to hear her fist pound something into a pulp and feel that sanguine satisfaction that came after standing over an utterly defeated bad guy.

With ease and graceful fluidity, Carrie kicked at the coat rack beside the door and sent it toppling. The crash it made felt good and Carrie was tempted to stomp it in half. Dick's reaction was the only thing that stopped her. Carrie turned toward the nearest wall, instead, slamming her fist into it until her knuckles were red and raw. When she was done, Carrie righted the coat rack, only barely glancing down at her hands. It was over and she didn't have enough left in her to go out patrolling. She scrubbed her face with the back of her sleeve and went to sink into the couch and wait for Dick to come home.

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