There was a small ache at the thought of not having Colin, that Colin wanted to say yes, and he wouldn't be able to be with Colin anymore if he had, if he did, say yes. And part of Colin had wanted to say yes. It didn't bother Zach at all that Colin loved Justin and wanted to be with him. Perhaps that's how people were supposed to be, but he didn't see why that meant Colin loved him any less to love someone else too. It was the...part about not getting Colin at all that hurt, the thought of it. And even though Colin had said he couldn't leave Zach, a part of him wondered if Colin wanted to - had wanted to.
"I...do that," Zach chewed on his lower lip a little bit after that. His thoughts just before hadn't been happy, and they scared him a little bit. If that happened, it happened. And maybe Colin would be happier that way. But that wasn't what he was supposed to be talking about. They were going to talk about them, and...well, if Colin didn't like what he heard, he could always...go to Justin.
"I love you," Zach began, "And I want to be with you. And nothing either of us says is going to change that, okay? I want you to know without a doubt that I love you." He wasn't even sure if his parents loved each other, and his uncle Tewdric had never told his Aunt Adele.
"I want to have a family, and I want you to be a big important part of that family," Zach spoke, still a bit nervous, but he was trying to just push forward, "And some of my kids I do want to be mine. I want to have a daughter and name her after my aunt who died when I was seven. She's the best mother I've ever known. And my mother's never really been a part of my life, not an important one. And I don't want that for children if I can help it, not for mine. I want to adopt a lot of them, and I want them to be loved by everyone in their life, by me and you and Theo and Tracey and Dennis and whoever else. They deserve at least two parents who love them.
"I'm rambling," Zach sighed, "What I was getting at is...if I have children of my own, that I'm...making then I want whoever I have them with to be involved in their lives because I want them to want to be a part of their lives. Someone who wouldn't love their children with their whole heart and want to see them every day isn't someone I want to have children with." Children deserved better.
"And I love you, and I want you to be their dad too, and I want them to know how much I love you and see that that's the sort of relationship they should have, whether they like girls or boys or whatever," Zach hoped there was some sense in what he was saying, something that Colin would follow, "And I want you...to be there. There's not as much a point without someone I love.
"The rest...the details, they don't matter as much to me as you and this and...love," Zach almost stuttered to a stop. He began biting his lip again, and his hands waved in a half-hearted nervous way.