Essam ibn Mahir (armsmaster) wrote in untold_logs, @ 2008-07-01 01:43:00 |
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Entry tags: | amrothos, essam |
"...I can't shake the feeling I did the wrong thing, "
Who: Amrothos and Essam
Where: the street, then a tavern,
When: Before the baby was born, actually probably DURING that…
What: Amrothos seeks advice from Essam.
Amrothos: *searches frantically for Essam*
Essam: *was visiting the library but is now returning to the guest house, reading material in hand.*
Amrothos: *almost collides into Essam* By Vaire, I'm so stupid. Help me.
Essam: *steps aside to avoid running into...* Amrothos? What have you done? *gets a look at him and sighs* Maybe the street is not the place for this. I know somewhere quiet nearby.
Amrothos: >.> *follows Essam meekly, rather like a kicked puppy* I know she's crying and if I was brave I would have stayed and comforted her.
Essam: And? *leads the way into a somewhat shabby but clean tavern and points towards a table in the corner.* Why were you not then?
Amrothos: *sits down, looks... absolutely miserable* Because I told her that she's... not... that she's not. And that's what she's crying over.
Essam: *puts a hand on Amrothos's shoulder, not going to sit down yet.* If that was the truth of it then...*sighs* I think despite the hurting her, you may have hurt her more by pretending for longer. If you were saying it to hide though...*leans in to stare Amrothos directly in the eyes* then I would say you were a coward.
Amrothos: *swallows* When she kissed me, I felt like all her passion was for somebody else. Like... like her eyes were closed. Does that make me a coward? I don't feel good about it.
Amrothos: In fact I feel like a monster. I think she does care for me, I just... not now. Not like this.
Essam: That? *shakes his head* No, I would not say that did. *pauses* It may be too, that in her state...perhaps it adds to her confusion.
Amrothos: *sighs*
Amrothos: I still feel... uneasy.
Amrothos: ...I can't shake the feeling I did the wrong thing, even though I was trying to do the right thing.
Essam: *nodding* It cannot have been easy for you to leave her like you did. And now the questions in the air...If it is too much to speak to her, write something maybe. *pause* and perhaps after the child is born, it may be different again.
Amrothos: ...maybe. I don't know. I just know I feel horrible.
Amrothos: I feel like I've lost her and I don't know what that even means to me.
Essam: Then I would suggest now, of all times that you do at least attempt to find that out. *frowns slightly* I know you had intended to today but *pauses, grins slightly* this time, do it better.
Amrothos: *tries to laugh, but finds he can't quite manage*
Amrothos: I'm such a failure. *sighs* I'm a washed out sailor without a ship so desperate for advice I'm asking the knight commander, a notoriously single man whom I happen to know does not fancy women, for advice.
Essam: *laughs* Women, men, when it comes to things like this, it only makes a little difference. Were it myself and someone else this had occurred with, I think I would be forced to think of every reason that I did not want this thing, but also every reason that I did. Somewhere away from them of course, with only me to know what I wanted at first. *sighs* I know that is different from what I first told you but...as another step, you may think about that.
Amrothos: ...*sighs*
Amrothos: That's just it.
Amrothos: I don't know a damn thing except that I want to help and protect her.
Amrothos: But that's hardly unusual, for me. I'm drawn to women in need of a friend like a bear to honey.
Essam: *laughs* that IS something you are known for yes. I don't advise you losing it.
Amrothos: Elphir doesn't think too highly of it. And Erchirion thinks it naive.
Amrothos: I just... how am I supposed to sit back and watch people suffer if I can help it? That's the whole reason the Doxy was torn apart.
Amrothos: I couldn't just let people stay in the water of the Bay, even if it meant damage to my ship. I had to try and fish them out so they wouldn't be crushed.
Essam: Your brothers are not you, are they? *thinks it is a bit naive himself but also thinks Dol Amroth could use a bit of that* It is only natural you each see the world differently, are willing to risk different things. *laughs a bit* I hardly am surprised to know they would not have done as you did.
Amrothos: ...at great cost. *softly* My closest friends died in those days. Because of me. They died for others.
Amrothos: They died because I wouldn't stop. Because it wasn't enough to survive. And they're gone now, because I pushed my crew, too hard, too far, too much, to save people we didn't know.
Essam: You did. *nods* And I pushed my knights the same, and a good deal of those did not return. Not always to survive in every case either, but for something a bit...*eyedart* less noble.
Amrothos: >.>
Amrothos: ...sometimes I'd really rather be drunk, but I'm not even any good at that. *laughs* my only friend in this forsaken city is a pregnant woman who may never want to see me again
Essam: Sometimes all of us would. Be glad your brother got that...skill... instead, Amrothos. Is she really the only one?
Amrothos: ...it seems that way. I'm not bald enough to call my charitable projects "friends".
Essam: I meant you should look closer. I seem to recall you've been declared one of us.
Amrothos: ...>.> I thought that was just another drunken jest. *like the jokes about how various knights were going to make Nandir a man.*
Essam: <.< That was no jest. Like it or not, we all are with you now.
Amrothos: ...it's been a long time since I've belonged to a group of people, in all honesty.
Amrothos: I'm not sure I remember how.
Essam: *smiles* So you will learn again. Not so difficult as all that. After all, WE know what we are doing.
Amrothos: *laughs* And if I learn too slow, you'll say, what is it? "Do it BETTER!" That is what they tell me your favorite phrase was when you were armsmaster.
Essam: Maybe. *smirks* They say a lot of things.
Amrothos: About me, I know >_>.
Essam: about everyone, Amrothos. Today it may be you, tomorrow Nandir... who knows?
Amrothos: ...but Nandir's a good lad. He doesn't... run around with prostitutes and do all kinds of dubious things.
Essam: No, which is at least a relief compared to...other people...
Amrothos: ...like my brother.
Amrothos: Is it true he keeps a running tally of every woman he's ever slept with?
Essam: He has been keeping one of all the women he's slept with here. *sighs* his current goal is the entirity of the Jun brothel by the time we've returned home.
Amrothos: ....that's kind of appalling.
Amrothos: I suppose everyone needs a life goal...
Essam: So far as I know he has no others. *nods* Soon probably they will talk about him instead and keep the talk there.
Amrothos: ...probably.
Amrothos: I'm sorry, Essam, you appear to have been on your way back from the library when I cruelly interrupted you. Did you find suitable books to read?
Essam: a few interesting things. *does not elaborate, mun is convinced this means he's reading porn*
Amrothos: Ah,yes, they have everything here.
Essam: they certainly have. And now that there should be time to read some of this without paperwork interfering... I've enjoyed the time and access to it.
Amrothos: >.>.
Amrothos: Paperwork, bah. I'm supposed to file paperwork back to the admirals.
Amrothos: They can dream on.
Essam: <.< What you do, is bandage your hand and bloody it, then fill out the first form as horribly as you can... Visit them and explain about "the Accident" .
Essam: Then they give you a nice scribe.
Amrothos: ....oh REALLY.
Amrothos: Nice to know.
Essam: it only works for a short time and not always but it can be worth a try.
Amrothos: >.> Shall I carry your books back for you? We can say I had a Dreadful Paper Cut.
Essam: >.> I would appreciate that actually. *decides that Amrothos is probably the most unlikely to comment on his...literature appreciation*
Amrothos: *picks the books up* Thank you for the advice, Essam. I must consult you on other matters, I think.
Amrothos: *glances at the covers of the books he picked up* ...like where the Restricted section of the library is.