Remus remembered all too well Sirius's description from that day with the Ziggy poster. He'd only thought about it ever day since then, replayed the list in his head, even written it down once or twice to look at objectively. Each time, he had ended up convincing himself that he could be those things. That he could keep up with Sirius, and banter back, and that he did tolerate his penchant for mischief, and that he did participate on occasion... Each time, he had walked away thinking that list had been made with him in mind and all the more distressed that still, he couldn't have him.
And now it turned out...
Unable to keep from blushing, Remus ducked his head as though he could hide it. His happiness, the excitement... But too soon, it changed. Fear took its place. Not terror, but a nagging feeling that something was very wrong here. It wasn't really that he didn't believe that Sirius could think this and feel this for him - though there was that. It was something else, a niggling thought that persisted in telling Remus that he didn't deserve Sirius. Because he didn't, not really. In fact, really not. And though James had been right, though James had finally gotten through to him, gotten Remus to accept that he did have very strong feelings for Sirius, this was something else altogether. It was one thing to have unrequited feelings for his best friend, but to act on them? That would be unfair. To Sirius, to James... And to himself. Because although Sirius claimed that he had felt this way for a while, it would pass. Undoubtedly, it would. And it should.
Sirius was in a class all his own, always had been. Remus was far too ordinary in all the wrong ways, and far too fucked up. A werewolf. No one deserved that in a significant other. That he would come to subject Dora to this was one thing - hard to accept, to be sure, but something for which he'd had to forgive himself. After all, he hadn't done it yet.
But to do that to Sirius? He of all people deserved better. Eventually, he would come to see it and resent Remus for not putting an end to it before it even happened.
Perhaps Sirius did want him. But in that case, Sirius was wrong.
It was only now that Remus realised how much easier it had been when he hadn't known Sirius's feelings. When he hadn't looked what he wanted right in the face, had it within his grasp and had to push it away.
Remus couldn't help but compare himself to an alcoholic who had been handed an opened bottle of wine. It was hard and painful, and practically impossible.
After all what didn't James know about Sirius? If James had known all along, which he undoubtedly had, and hadn't encouraged Remus to 'go for it'... it was because he didn't approve. James knew Sirius deserved better.
James would lose all respect for him if he went along. Sirius would forever resent him. Accepting Sirius's advances would inevitably lead to losing both of his friends.
Merlin, why did this have to be so hard?
"Maybe you should," he said, his gaze still averted. It was only when he spoke that he noticed he hadn't said anything in ages since Sirius had stopped speaking. The smile that had previously shone on his face had melted away, replaced by mourning.
Remus had it. He had Sirius. He had him. He wanted him and he had him, and he had to push him away. It wasn't fair.