Remus had to find it a little funny, the way James spoke. He said his name as though he thought that Remus was going to blow up at him for asking. He suspected this is what people sounded like when they were talking to someone who'd lost their mind, someone they thought should be locked up. Remus supposed it applied.
It took a lot of shifting, but Remus wanted to sit up, lean back against the headboard before they discussed this. Lying on his back just didn't feel right. Pushing himself up with his arms, wincing at the movement, at the pull and push of muscles that really were completely taxed after last night, Remus got into position and adjusted the pillows behind him. When the blanket fell from his chest, Remus's eyes opened wide. He pulled it up a bit to check and yes, he was still very much naked. Why this surprised him, he couldn't say; what had he expected Sirius to do, dress him?
"It's hard to explain," he said as he took a gander at his chest. The scars were still there, obviously, but Sirius was right, they would fade. They were still red and one of them was still oozing blood, but Remus didn't have tissues close at hand to wipe it away with. No matter; just like Sirius, James had seen it all. Still, it was hard to have your pride when you were naked and bleeding.
"The baggage made me realise that I want it." Maybe he started the wrong way. Remus shook his head and started over. "Do you remember, ages ago, Sirius would have dates with all sorts of pretty birds and I'd come visit you and Lily or spend time with Peter. I did want to give Sirius his privacy, but it was more than that. I... I was jealous. A bit. I knew I could never have what Sirius had with them. I could never have a fling or a real relationship with... But... I wasn't jealous of you and Lily. It was." Remus spoke so haltingly that James might not even understand the point if Remus ever got to it. "It was Sirius. I was jealous... Fuck. I was jealous of the girls, I wasn't jealous of Sirius. I was jealous for Sirius. He just... I don't know. I knew I could never have... I could never have what I wanted to have with him. I wanted too much, and he wouldn't want any of it, least of all with me. So I just. I spent a lot of time denying it. That I wanted it. The baggage, it just reopened that. Not about Sirius specifically, but in general. I want to have those things again, but I want them with him." Remus's breath shuddered a bit when he took it, but he didn't notice. "I can never have it, but I want it. I want him. All of him. The fact I want it, him, isn't the baggage. It's me. The baggage just doesn't let me think about anything else."