Dora (getupagain) wrote in unloading_zone, @ 2010-08-21 22:04:00 |
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Entry tags: | nymphadora tonks, remus lupin |
Who: Remus and Tonks
When: BACKDATED to last Sunday (I think.)
Where: Remus' Bungalow
What: Remus asks Dora out on a date
Status: In Progress
Rating: Low
Dora didn't know why Remus wanted to see her. Oh, sure, she had some ideas. Mainly her note to him and her spectacular journal entry, but she wasn't certain. This Remus was strange to her. She didn't understand him the way she understood her husband. Which was most likely because he wasn't her husband. And it didn't help that she had pushed her husband into marrying her when it was clearly not what he wanted. She could see that now. Boy, could she see it.
Still, he was looking for dates. DATES. And she had a bloke she was mad about and couldn't do anything with because she was still married. She couldn't shake her husband from her mind and it was killing any chance she might have had with Oliver. Except that was likely a lost cause. He didn't want her and she'd made a fool out of herself. Sighing, Tonks trudged to Remus' door and knocked. She might as well get this over with.
--
The island had recently acquired a florist, and Remus had gone by to purchase some flowers. It was the only thing he could think of that might incite Dora to listen to him. He didn't even know what he was going to say when he saw her and he knew he had upset her a great deal. Remus would've had to be blind to miss the note nailed to his front door. She'd known it was him, and he supposed it was a good thing that she had blamed him for it rather than Sirius.
He had had the intention of asking Dora on a date, but going from intention to action proved to be more difficult than anticipated. Now, with evidence that she liked another man and was looking for excuses to be able to see him in a romantic context had moved Remus to action, forced him to notice what he had; an opportunity, a chance. Dora loved him, or she did in her past. Perhaps she could be convinced to give him another chance. She loved him; half of the work was done. All that remained was falling in love with her in return. It would be easier to achieve than to get Sirius to take a second glance at him, he was sure.
The knock on the door came as a surprise even though he'd expected it. Remus set the bouquet down on the table, made sure his shirt was properly tucked in and opened the door, waving her in. "Thank you for coming by," he said with a tentative smile. Had he ever been so nervous in his life? "Please, come in."
--
She was certain she would never get use to Remus being so formal with her. No matter how many weeks passed, Tonks would never be able to accept that Remus was a stranger to her. The night before she had arrived here she was curled up in his arms all night. That was what she knew. Not this.
Stepping inside, Tonks shut the door behind her and returned his smile. "Hi yourself," she said a bit nervously. He couldn't possibly understand how it felt to stand in front of him like this. She wanted to hug him, take comfort in something familiar, but she couldn't stand the idea of him pulling away. Tonks wouldn't, she couldn't, put herself out there again. Not again. "Look, I'm sorry about the things I've said and written lately. I was being a brat and I shouldn't have acted up like that."
--
Remus put a hand up and shook his head, intending to silence her apology. "Please don't apologise. You're absolutely right. It's me who should apologise." He closed the door behind her and guided her into the kitchen with a hand to the small of her back. "Sirius probably thought he was funny with the ad. You know him." Which wasn't fair in the least - he'd been the one to speak to Sirius about his lack of love life in the first place and it was the lack of interest he'd sensed in Sirius that had him considering another date with Dora, despite the disaster that the first had been. This time, Remus knew, he would make a concerted effort to make it good, comfortable, and all about her. Maybe that would help.
He pulled out a chair for her and took a seat in another next to her, the bouquet on the table between them. "I wanted to ask you on a date. I know that I don't know you very well and I know that I'm not... that I must be a disappointment to you after the Remus you have back home. I'm asking you for another chance. A chance to get to know you. If we're happy together back home, I don't see why we couldn't be here as well."
--
"Not really," she said. "I don't know him much more than I know you." Tonks hated it, of course, but what she was supposed to do? She couldn't make him suddenly remember things that hadn't happened in his life. This is how things were. And even if she could make him see the future, Dora didn't know if she could stomach it.
Her eyes widened slightly. She'd come here and expected him to yell at her, not ask her on a date. Tonks didn't know what to say. She loved Remus. She loved her husband and the way he could comfort her, make her feel as though the world wasn't falling apart... but this wasn't Remus. This was some version of her husband who didn't seem to understand her at all. "But, why? I mean. Why do you want to date me?" He didn't know a thing about her, did he? He knew that they were married one day, but Tonks didn't understand why he wanted to suddenly go on a date with her. What had he learned about her to spark his interest?
--
That was the question, wasn't it? Remus didn't want to answer, his gaze dropping to the flowers which he decided to pick up to hand Tonks. "These are for you. Whichever way you decide to answer. As for me... I realised I wanted..." There was nothing like honesty, right? Remus had to remind himself of that fact before he could find the breath with which to answer. "The luggage. I've never... I've never felt love, Dora. I've never known what it's like to love someone who loves me in return. I've never had that and the knowledge that I have that with you in the future... I want it. Now. And I know.... I know it probably doesn't sound terribly fair of me, but I feel that I would certainly not be remiss in asking for a second chance. A last chance. If we could both be happy... Isn't that something to work for?"
--
She'd been wrong. There was something worse than feeling Remus pull away from her. The only reason he wanted to be with her was because he wanted someone to love him. Not because of the way she smiled, her sense of humour or the way she made him feel.. he just wanted someone. She was good enough to try with because she loved him. It really had nothing to do with her, did it?
But how in the world could she deny her husband the chance at happiness? Tonks looked down at the flowers she'd taken from Remus. Why couldn't he have asked her sooner? Why couldn't he had wanted her before? "So.. it's not me, is it? I mean.. you still don't feel anything when you look at me. I'm just the girl who loves you so I sound like a good place to start?" She'd chased after him for so long and Tonks had thought it was worth it, but what if this had happened back home too? What if Remus only settled for her because he wanted to know what love was like?
--
Remus knew he was losing. Dora wanted him to know her already. She wanted, she expected him to love her already even while she knew, must have known that he couldn't. Not yet. He didn't know her. "To me," he began, just as tentatively as the last time he spoke, "This would be a second date. I can't be in love with you already, Dora. It's too soon. It's too soon for me to know in detail all the reasons that I come to love you, all the ways in which you take my breath away. It's too soon for me." There was a desperation to his voice as well as to his gaze. He wanted to beg her for a second chance but tried to keep from saying the words.
"I want to get to know you. I don't think I'm being unreasonable. This would only be our second date! How much do you know about someone after one date? Do you know you want to spend the rest of your life with them?" He was skeptical as to that possibility, but one never knew. He hadn't been on very many dates. Maybe that's how it worked for everyone else. "I just want to try, Dora. But I will understand if you would rather not." A tentative smile crawled up to his lips, even though the notion that she might choose someone else over him now hurt him deeply. "If you would rather pursue things with Oliver."
--
"But I've done this already!" She couldn't keep the tone of exasperation out of her voice. She had begged and pleaded with Remus before to even look at her. She had thrown herself at him and cried at Molly's table. Why couldn't he understand that? She didn't want him to be in love with her on the first date, but she wanted there to be SOMETHING he saw that pulled him towards her. Like how she loved his smile, his bright blue eyes.. they had attracted her to him right away. Then every time she'd spoken to him, Tonks fell for Remus a little more.
"You didn't even try," she said with a sigh. "It was like you wanted to be anywhere than with me. I spent so long back home doing everything I could to get you to notice me and love me and now.. now you're saying you just want to know what love is. So is that all I was to you? Research?!" Her own baggage was coming up to rear its ugly head, but Tonks couldn't shake the feeling that Remus was using her. And, really, all she had wanted was to make him happy. She never considered what that meant for her before.
--
Remus couldn't speak for other him - for surely he was a different man than he - and couldn't answer her question. He didn't know if she became research, if the loneliness finally dug its claws so tightly into him that he couldn't escape it and couldn't live with it. He hadn't known any of what she'd said. He didn't know that he had he had avoided her, that he had put up a fight, he hadn't known! He could tell, from her tone, that there was no winning this. He couldn't win this. She was so frustrated with him and if he tried very hard, he could understand her point of view. Still, he couldn't imagine how she could expect anything more from him than what he was currently giving her.
A long moment passed before Remus could speak again. In that time, he'd come to understand something very crucial; perhaps they did make each other happy. Perhaps, in another time, another place, they were right for each other. But because she came from so late in the future, they had different expectations of each other. She wanted to something specific from Remus that he couldn't provide. Similarly, Remus wanted the discovery, something he could never have from her. She'd done it already.
He nodded and offered her a smile before rising from his seat. "My apologies." She would know, he suspected, that he became far more formal when he was very uncomfortable with a given situation. "I would like to thank you for having come by. For having listened. I wish you good luck with Oliver."
--
In other words, Remus wanted her to leave. Tonks shook her head at the entire situation. It didn't seem fair in the slightest. She had wanted Remus so badly when she arrived on the island. She wanted her husband and now, after she figured out that he wasn't her husband, he wanted to be with her. But not because of who she was, but because she already loved him. How could he expect her to be happy with that?
"Wait, Remus." Tonks sighed and ran her hands over her face. "Please don't push me away, okay? I don't want us to be like this." They had an entire life together back home. He didn't remember it, but the evidence was just a few bungalows down. They had a son together and Tonks couldn't ignore that. "I don't want to worry about what you think of me or if I'm going to upset you." Clearly he'd noticed how she felt for Oliver since he'd brought it up twice. What if, by some miracle, Oliver actually wanted her around? She didn't want to worry about hurting Remus' feelings. "I do love you. You're... you're Remus and I can't keep pretending like you don't exist, okay?" She was nearly pleading with him to understand. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you can't remember what happened between us. Everything I say or feel must seem strange to you and I wish to Merlin it didn't. I wish you could look at me and see one thing that made you want to be with me. But if you only want a chance with me because of how I feel.. well that's not fair to me at all. And I'm not angry about it, I'm just... I need someone who wants me just as much as I want them."
--
He understood what she wanted. He understood her frustration. It didn't make it any easier to swallow that fear, the all-consuming fear that the only woman who would ever give him a chance, who had ever given him a chance, was leaving him. Already.
"You won't upset me," he said, a little quieter than he intended. "And I'm sorry, Dora. I can't be who you want me to be. You have every right to expect it of me, but I can't do it. I don't know you and I'm not the type to focus on something physical, on some aspect of your appearance as a reason to want to be with you. If I was going to be with you, it would be because of the person that are. I don't know that person yet. I suppose this makes it all easier for me than it does for you. I hardly know what I'm missing out on." Remus's smile was a sad one, but it absolved her of everything she could possibly feel guilt over. She was right; she wasn't married. She had obligation to him, one way or the other.
Remus tentatively stepped into her space to wrap his arms around her, a friendly hug, because it couldn't be anything else, careful not to crush the flowers she was holding. "I'm sorry, Dora. I wish I could be him. I hope Oliver treats you well." He stepped back and handed her the flowers once again.
--
Which meant he hardly cared what he was missing out on either. And it meant her whole marriage, everything she fought for, meant nothing. Nothing at all. Tonks didn't know how to make that better. She didn't know if there was some way to forgive Remus for this. Maybe if he had wanted to date her because of who she was, but he didn't. He just wanted her because she was there.
She still wasn't going to turn down a hug. Dora stepped into his arms and rested her head on his chest, closing her eyes and trying to pretend everything was normal for a moment. Except it didn't feel normal. It felt like she was hugging the wrong person. "Can you please not bring up Oliver? There's nothing between us." Which was beyond true. She'd killed her last chance with him.
--
"Alright. I won't bring him up." But Remus knew that if Oliver had any idea the woman who had an interest in him, he should jump at the chance to be with her. But Dora was right; it wasn't his place to say anything. The hug was nice, a thing between friends. He soon stepped back from the embrace. "You should go talk to him, though. If you like him. That's it, I'm not bringing him up again. Promise." Remus had his hands up defensively, a promise that he really wouldn't.
"Did you want to get lunch?"