Sirius O. Black (srslypadfoot) wrote in unloading_zone, @ 2010-08-09 23:57:00 |
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Entry tags: | regulus black, sirius black |
Who: Regulus and Sirius
Where: The Coconut Husk
When: late Monday evening
What: Sirius helps Regulus's drunk arse home. He should start charging for this service.
Status/Rating: Complete, medium
The coconut husk of a pub was something of a second-home to Sirius. He was beginning to like the fruity concoctions almost as much as he liked a dark, bready ale. There were some evenings he stayed longer than others, and he had a feeling that tonight was going to be one of those evenings.
All day, Sirius’s thoughts kept turning back again and again to Regulus. He couldn’t think about anything, or anyone, else. The regret was worse than a thousand scoldings from McGonagall. He actually regretted it. It wasn’t something he could laugh off and smirk smugly about without feeling so much as a twinge of guilt. Knowing his brother would never know how much he cared about him, how much he would have sacrificed to save him – it felt worse than a steel-knuckled punch in the face. Knowing he’d never get to make amends..
It made him need a couple of drinks. Sirius didn’t know how else to cope. He’d already talked to Remus about it, and that hadn’t helped alleviate the overwhelming regret in the slightest.
Sirius made his way to the bar and sat himself down next to another dark-haired bloke. He didn’t realise, until he spared a glance sideways, that the dark-haired bloke was his brother. The realisation sunk in like a stunning hex. For once, Sirius didn’t know what to say. He could fuck everything up with just one thoughtless little word and he didn’t want that.
“I’ll have what he’s having,” Sirius told the barkeep.
Regulus rarely drank. While the rest of the Black family seemed to have some percentage of alcohol in their blood, Regulus had been the one that had never really preferred drinking. Part of the problem wasn’t that he couldn’t hold his alcohol to save his life. He had always been an incredible lightweight. It was something he was usually aware of. But somewhere along the line, he had lost count of how many drinks he’d gotten and he was feeling incredibly disinclined to care.
Everything was lost in a somewhat hazy pool of alcohol. He didn’t even notice that Sirius had sat down next to him until his brother spoke. Oh. Oh. He was supposed to be mad at him, wasn’t he? He could barely remember why for the life of him at the moment. He looked blearily over at Sirius for an instant.
“Sirius,” Regulus promptly declared in a surprised voice before nearly losing his balance and tumbling off the bar stool.
Sirius didn’t get a chance to be surprised his brother addressed him by his first name. The chance was discarded when he had to seize a hold of Regulus’s arm to keep him upright and sitting on the bar stool.
That’s when the whiskey hit his nostrils. It was strong enough to override the stale coconut aroma in the pub air. “Fuck, Regulus. How sauced are you?”
Regulus blinked several times as Sirius’ hand wrapped around his arm. His grasp seemed oddly tight and Regulus wanted to pull away, but the whole world was a bit uneven at the moment. He figured it was best to let Sirius hold onto him. It seemed like an awfully long fall from here.
“I’m not sauced at all,” Regulus protested petulantly. It was a complete and utter lie and he knew it even as he answered his brother.
“Not one bit sauced, eh? I suppose you just doused yourself in whiskey for fun,” Sirius replied gamely, not convinced for one beat. “You reek, Regulus. You’re not pushing me off, either. That’s saying something.”
So much for having a few drinks. “C’mon,” he said, sliding off the bar stool and standing up. “We’re getting your arse to your bungalow before you pass out on the floor.”
“You’re not the boss of me,” Regulus answered moodily, sounding more like a child than anything else. But it was important. Sirius had never been in charge of him and it was wrong for people to think so. He was completely capable of making his own intelligent decisions.
Despite his protests, he slid off the stool as Sirius stood up. For a precarious moment, he almost tipped forward before managing to regain his balance. There. That was better wasn’t it? When had Sirius gotten so tall? He stared up at the other, unaware he was doing so.
“Never said I was, did I?” Sirius replied, just barely holding in a laugh. He had to admit, the petulant child Regulus turned into when he was drunk was amusing thus far. Then again, Sirius had never seen his little brother plastered off his arse. This was the first time he was seeing Regulus unable to stand up without precariously swaying. He was usually so.. composed and in control.
“I’m just sayin’ you can pass out on your bed with a spot of my help, or you can pass out on the dirty floor without it. Your call,” Sirius said.
Regulus had no idea what Sirius may or may not have said, so he figured that it was best not to say anything at all. Besides, it was taking a good deal of concentration just to remain standing, even if Sirius was right next to him.
“Bed,” Regulus mumbled, even though he didn’t really want to sleep. That was part of the reason he was here, wasn’t it? He’d been sleeping awfully. Same nightmare every night. Night after night. Except on the nights when Lupin woke him up. Stupid Lupin with his stupid chocolate. Regulus had been perfectly fine with Lupin, but they hadn’t really spoken much since their argument the last time he had woken up Regulus up. The argument over stupid Sirius.
“Bed it is, then,” Sirius said, slinging Regulus’s arm over his shoulders. Best way to keep him upright as he steered his little brother out the doors, and into the warm night. The sky was dark and stars were up, but the temperature was just right. Not too hot and not too cold.
There was no telling if Regulus had enough wits to conjure up conversation, or enough wits to keep his mouth shut, but Sirius decided to hazard a question. “Any reason you decided to get plastered?”
Regulus leaned in against Sirius, too drunk to even think about how insanely odd this was. He would have never guessed that he would have been the one being taken home by his brother. Of course, if he had found Sirius this plastered, he would have taken him home, but it would have been in a begrudging manner. As it was, he had somehow forgotten that he wasn’t supposed to get along with Sirius anymore.
“I don’t know,” Regulus answered, twisting his face up. He supposed it might have had something to do with James, but he had no intention once so ever of sharing anything that had happened between him and James with Sirius. If James had managed to keep it a secret all these years, Regulus could too.
“You don’t know, eh?” Sirius’s tone was dripping with skepticism. Looks like Regulus still had some wits about him. Enough to know he shouldn’t trust Sirius enough to confide in him. Nothing Sirius didn’t expect, but he had been hoping the whiskey might loosen his brother’s tongue. “More like you don’t want to tell. I get it. S’alright.”
“It’s not like that,” Regulus protested, although that was exactly what it was like. It was just that, anything else, he probably could have shared with Sirius - there were things that he wanted to share with Sirius. It was just that one thing - and besides, it was stupid James’ fault, what with being married and all.
“I wanted to tell you good-bye,” Regulus said drunkenly, the words spilling out before he could think them through, as if he was trading one secret for another.
Sirius halted to a jerky stop. The words were slurry, but they stabbed when they sunk in. “What did you say?” he asked, turning just enough so that he could look Regulus in the eye.
They were stopping. Why had they stopped? Regulus nearly stumbled. His grip on Sirius tightened a little as he stood unsteadily. He couldn’t tell if Sirius was mad. He hadn’t meant to make him mad. He tried to remain exactly what he could have said that would have irritated Sirius, but he wasn’t sure. He suddenly felt a little less sure of himself underneath the intensity of his brother’s gaze.
“I wanted to tell you good-bye,” Regulus repeated, but the words were a little more jumbled, a little softer.
“That’s it? Just good bye?” Sirius couldn’t keep the hard edge of anger from crawling into his voice. What little reason he had left told him he shouldn’t be getting angry, but there were few times Sirius actually paid reason any attention. “You knew you were going to die, didn’t you?”
Regulus was confused. He was trying to think through the haze of the alcohol, but his entire brain felt cloudy. He felt as if he couldn’t keep up with the conversation they were having even though he was the one that had brought the topic up.
“Yes,” Regulus answered, clearing his throat a little. That was certainly something he hadn’t openly admitted before. He didn’t know how he felt about it. It was still so odd to think that there were people that knew bits and pieces of what had happened - Lupin, James, Bella. No one knew the whole story yet, but Regulus wasn’t entirely sure that he was ready to give all that up yet.
“You knew I would have stopped you, if you’d come to me before you went,” Sirius said. It wasn’t a question, but a statement. Something they both knew was true. Despite their differences, despite the long tense years of terse words and silence, Sirius would have tried anything to stop his brother from walking into his death.
“You haven’t even told me how it happens,” he said as the realisation hit him. Sirius didn’t know how Regulus died.
Regulus didn’t answer, but he knew that it was the truth. He also was aware of the fact that, if anyone knew what he was doing, it would be the whole thing in danger. It was a secret that needed to be kept even after he was dead, which was why he hadn’t left any note - except for the one for the Dark Lord. And even that had been a little risky, a little childish.
“Drowned,” Regulus answered thickly. He thought he was going to be sick just thinking about it. He didn’t want to think about it anymore. “Inferi.” He didn’t know if that made any sense at all, but he couldn’t bring himself to care.
The two details were enough to make Sirius’s stomach clench in unpleasant ways, enough to conjure images more than unpleasant. “And you knew,” he repeated, because it was too damn unfathomable. Regulus would walk to his death. Willingly.
“Cor and hell, you’re worse than a Gryffindor,” Sirius swore harshly. “Why? Why did you do it? Why didn’t you come to me?” he demanded to know.
“Because,” Regulus answered uncertainly. Because he hadn’t had anywhere else to turn. Because, it wasn’t as if he could just turn around and hide behind Sirius, always aware of how his friends would suspect him. It wasn’t as if he could just up and decided to leave the Death Eaters. He wouldn’t get away and he would dishonor his family. He was going to die, no matter how it played out, so Regulus had decided to die under his own terms.
“I didn’t need your protection,” Regulus said sulkily, starting to pull away from Sirius.
“You DIED!” Sirius shouted and pulled him back, not about to let Regulus run away. He didn’t care who could see or hear them. Something was tearing him up on the inside and he needed to let it all out. “I COULD HAVE PROTECTED YOU! BUT NO! YOU HAD TO GO BE AN IDIOT!”
Sirius jerked him back so suddenly, his head practically spun. Regulus grit his teeth as Sirius began to shout at him; gone was his worry about having this argument in a public place. He was too angry with the fact that Sirius was daring to shout at him at all.
“You’re an idiot!” Regulus shouted back, easily matching Sirius’ volume. He tried to pull away from his brother again. “I didn’t need your protection!” Regulus repeated again. He didn’t care that what he was saying barely seemed to make sense - in his own mind, he had never needed Sirius’ protection.
“You did or you wouldn’t have died!” Sirius protested, but the protest came out without the same boom. It came out weakly, because he knew he would never get the chance to save his brother. It was too late. No matter what Regulus should have done, it was too fucking late.
“I’m not a coward, Sirius!” Regulus shouted. “I wasn’t going to leave everything behind just so I could hide behind you!” Merlin, would there have been anything worse? His pride couldn’t have stood for it and that was the simple truth of the matter. He would have been betraying anyone that still cared about him. He would have been saying that Sirius was right and Regulus was still firmly convinced that Sirius was wrong about everything. And everyone would know. The entire wizarding world would know that he turned tail and ran, and then needed his big brother to clean up his mess for him.
A surge of rage bubbled up in Sirius, making him shout back, “AT LEAST IT WOULD HAVE SAVED YOUR LIFE!”
If there had been a wall, Sirius would have punched it. Over and over again. He wanted to shake Regulus by the shoulders until he stopped being a stubborn idiot and understood. “Merlin’s fucking beard, Regulus. There’s a difference between being a coward and being a proud idiot and even I know it.”
“You’re just pissed because I won’t let you make every decision in my life! Because I don’t agree with you,” Regulus spat back angrily. God. It was hard to believe that there was ever a time that they had seen eye to eye on anything, although he knew that it had existed. He was feeling stupid and foolish at the moment. Just because things had gotten a little sorted out with James, he thought that the same could happen with Sirius. This conversation seemed to be a continuation of their first argument though.
“And look where disagreeing got you. Real fucking far,” Sirius snapped back, hands curling into fists and shaking. He stepped close to his brother, making it impossible for Regulus to hide. “Did you really make every decision in your life, Regulus? Did you? Because it seems to me that you let Walburga take care of all that for you.”
“Just because I didn’t abandon my family doesn’t mean that I didn’t make my own choices,” Regulus answered angrily. He wasn’t going to back down now - even if, honestly, some measure of doubt had crossed his mind on that very topic. Their parents, Bella, they had strongly encouraged him to join the Death Eaters when he was sixteen, because it was such an honor since he was so young. All he could wonder now was how they had expected him to make such a monumental decision when he was only sixteen.
“Right,” Sirius sneered. The one word was enough to convey all his doubt and skepticism. Honestly, he didn’t get why Regulus was so adamant about taking responsibility for deciding to join the merry band of Death Eater idiots and murderers. It would have made him look a lot less idiotic if he said their parents forced him into it.
But Sirius was, by that point, tired of yelling and arguing and making things worse.
“C’mon. I’m tired of standing around here and yelling, but I’m not going to abandon you,” he said, tugging on Regulus’s arm.
“I don’t need your help,” Regulus said stubbornly, trying to pull Sirius’ hand off of his arm. Forgotten was the comment about not being able to make it home on his own. He didn’t need Sirius’ help for anything. He could do perfectly well on his own. Merlin, he had been such an idiot bringing anything up at all. Maybe it was foolish to think that they could get along again.
“I’m not going to be the one responsible for letting your drunk arse stumble off some cliffs. Maybe another night, but not tonight. Stop being a git.” Sirius could be just as stubborn, if not more. He kept his grip firm on Regulus’s arm, not letting go, but dragging him forward. In a match of sheer brute force, Sirius always came out on top of his brother.
Regulus didn’t have the coordination to actually pull free of Sirius. He ended up trailing after him, scowling the entire way. He dug his feet into the ground a little, not fully paying attention to where they were going. If Sirius wanted to do this, fine, but Regulus had no intention of making it easy for him.
“You know, I can pick you up and carry you there if you won’t stop being a berk,” Sirius threw over his shoulder. Regulus wasn’t making this easy for him, and he had a feeling that was the little git’s intention.
“Despite what a berk you’ve been I still care about you, you know.” It wasn’t an easy admittance to make but maybe Regulus was so drunk he wouldn’t remember it in the morning. It was easier to be confessional when there was an off-chance the confession wouldn’t be remembered. “I don’t care about Walburga or Orion, but I’ve cared about you. You may not consider me your brother, but I’ve still considered you mine. Now I’m starting to wonder if I was just wasting my energy.”
“You’re the one that decided to upgrade brothers,” Regulus said sullenly. It lacked most of the bite that his previous comments had, mostly because he wasn’t saying it out of anger, but out of hurt. He hated that he had been so replaceable in Sirius’ life - not only that, but Sirius had always seemed to enjoy having James in his life better than he had Regulus. Initially, it made him hate James. He was so sodding arrogant. He was impossible. It was all infuriating. And for some reason, Sirius thought he made a better brother.
“I didn’t bloody replace you, if that’s what you’re trying to say,” Sirius protested. The accusation stung. There might be a brotherly bond between he and James, but it wasn’t made to substitute Regulus. James was another brother. The kind he could faff around with and make lewd remarks to without getting a glare of disapproval. Not – though Sirius would never admit it to another living soul – the kind whose bed he would crawl into after having a bad dream.
“That’s exactly what you did,” Regulus said, his eyebrows scrunching a little closer together. He didn’t know how else Sirius would describe what had happened. At one moment, Regulus had been in Sirius’ life and the next, Sirius had left him, had left the family, and was only interested in being with James Potter.
He didn’t know if he liked this conversation. It was much harder to have. It felt too honest - and didn’t have the barrier of yelling and shouting to protect them from the truth.
“Well I’m sorry if that’s what you think I did, but it isn’t,” Sirius shot back over his shoulder. He tried to continue dragging Regulus along down the sandy dirt path. It was easier to say things when he didn’t have to face his brother face to face. “James couldn’t– he can’t replace you, all right?”
“Really?” Regulus asked, sounding all the more like a child once again. He didn’t know what to say - it seemed to make so much difference that Sirius had even said that to him. All of his anger was suddenly dissipating. He just - he needed some confirmation from his big brother. It was far too much like being five again, when, after having bad dreams, instead of turning to his mother for comfort, he had sneaked into Sirius’ bedroom.
“I don’t go crawling into his bed when I have a bad dream,” Sirius muttered just loud enough for Regulus to hear him. It was another difficult admittance to make. He hadn’t crawled into his brother’s bed since he was eight, and Regulus had stopped crawling into his when he turned eleven and went off to Hogwarts. Don’t ask him how he knew the years.
“I’ve been having bad dreams since I’ve gotten here, Sirius,” Regulus said. It wasn’t a change of subject in his mind. It was a confession. It tied back into what he had done - and it was also asking for help in a roundabout, because he didn’t know what to do anymore. Some part of him, in that moment, sincerely wished that things were simple enough that he could just climb into Sirius’ bed and Sirius would chase away all the bad things that lurked in the corners of his mind like a good older brother. But he was too old for that now and no matter what Sirius did, it wouldn’t change the fact that, what Regulus dreamt about was real.
He didn’t even notice that he was also walking a bit faster now - still following behind Sirius, of course, but he was no longer actively trying to slow Sirius down.
“I’d offer to let you into my bed, but that might seem poncy and weird,” Sirius said, unable to keep from chortling under his breath. He slowed down the pace, then, just enough so that Regulus wasn’t trailing behind him, and they went back to being side to side.
“I mean, you could, if you wanted to. But I doubt you’ll want to when you’re sober again. Ain’t much privacy. Oh, and you hate me, of course,” he tacked on with a rueful smile.
Regulus caught up with Sirius an instant later, although he was no longer trying to pry Sirius’ finger off of his arm.
“I don’t hate you,” Regulus answered, a deep frown creasing his face as if he couldn’t understand where Sirius would have gotten that notion from. If he was sober, it probably have been a natural thing for the two of them to bring up in a conversation. Drunk as he was, he couldn’t stand the thought of Sirius thinking that he hated him.
“You’re probably just saying that because you’re drunk,” Sirius sighed the words out, head shaking this way and that. He looked up and noticed they’d reached the beginning of the bungalows. Straight up ahead, he knew that was the one Remus and Regulus shared. “S’alright. There’s your bungalow. You’re close to bed and blissful sleep.”
“I am not,” Regulus said a bit too sharply. He ignored the fact that Sirius had announced that they were at their destination completely. He had just said something important, and, for once, he wanted Sirius to listen to him. It always seemed as if Sirius was dismissing whatever he was saying, filling in whatever he wanted instead. Regulus wanted him to understand the truth this time around. So, he remained where he was, stubbornly standing his ground.
“You’ve good reason to,” Sirius half-muttered, stopping there with Regulus when he refused to go further. Gray eyes tilted up, settling on the star-scattered sky. He might’ve avoided Regulus’s gaze, but there was no evasive maneuvers for the gnawing guilt. “I could’ve been a better brother, yeah?”
“Yeah, you could’ve been,” Regulus answered, not about to lie just to ease Sirius’ guilt. There was no way to get around the fact that they had never been the best of brothers. They were both too stubborn with each other and perpetually convinced they were right. Maybe if there hadn’t been the war, things would have - but there had been and there was nothing either of them could do about it now.
“I’m angry with you about it, but I don’t hate you,” Regulus answered, the alcohol allowing him to easily reveal such a truth.
The fact that Regulus didn’t hate him took a little edge off. It inspired a little hope. “I want to make things better,” admitted Sirius. “I don’t know how, and I’m not saying we should restart or forget everything that’s happened, but..” He carded a hand through his hair and searched for the words. Sirius never was good at fessing up to his mistakes or finding the nice words to mend them. “Fuck, all I want right now is to be a better brother.”
“I want to be better brothers,” Regulus agreed unevenly. That was really all he had ever wanted was for them to get along better. They had their differences. They barely agreed on anything and they acted completely differently, but he hated that that got in the way of them being them.
Regulus swayed for a moment, feeling better emotionally, but far more sick, physically. Without warning, he bent over and roughly threw up on Sirius’ feet.
Fan-bloody-tastic. His shoes were covered in a hot mess of what had been inside Regulus’s stomach. It took a lot of control to keep from sicking up after his brother. The smell was downright vulgar.
“I’m going to be a better brother, starting right now, by not punching you,” Sirius said gruffly, helping Regulus stand upright again.