Who: Tonks and Remus When: Thursday Where: Around the Island What: Remus meets Tonks and Tonks realizes she's lost her husband. Status: Complete! Rating: Low. And Sad.
Okay so she had a son. And she died. Tonks could accept that, she supposed. Or not. Because that wasn't fair. She wasn't supposed to die. Aurors were impressive and brilliant. But maybe she wasn't. She and Remus had both be killed. Together.
The news had shook Tonks to her core. No one wants to learn of their death and she was no exception. Sitting on the porch of her bungalow, Tonks sighed. She hated this place. Remus wasn't here, Molly wasn't here... it was all stupid.
--
This was the strangest place he had ever woken up in. And that was saying something! At first, everything had seemed perfectly normal; a bus or train station like any other. It wasn't all that unusual a location to wake up in, in Remus' experience. It was perhaps a little more filled with luggage than usual, but he'd simply chalked it up to their having a bad luggage day and left it at that. Someone was probably moving and had been too cheap to rent a lorry. Simple! But when a nice lady had walked up to him, not to tell him to board his train or to leave, but that his luggage was ready, Remus had looked at her with a smile and told her she had the wrong person. She had insisted, and when he'd looked at the name on the bags, his brain fell through him and landed near his knees. They'd all had HIS name on them. All 10 pieces of it. For a moment, he doubted he even owned that many individual items.
He had allowed them to usher him to a bungalow, (number 1) where he would be joined with two others, but he didn't remember their names as he made his way down the street.
Remus had never woken up so confused in his life. There was no way he could be where he was, one, because you can't take a train to an island. Two, because tropical islands near the good old UK where one could arrive by accident were sort of lacking, and three, because he couldn't afford a ticket to this sort of place no matter what he traded for it.
So, he figured he was dead and left it at that and left the (really really nice) bungalow behind and went for a walk.
--
There didn't seem to be all that many people around. And none that really knew her. Tonks watched someone walk down the path in front of the bungalows and... No way. That was... It was!!
Jumping up off the steps, Tonks ran towards Remus at full speed. Catching her foot on a branch she tripped and fell flat on her face. Bugger all!
Picking herself up, Tonks dusted the sand off her jeans and shirt. "Did I rip anything?"
--
Remus had been thinking maybe this place was a sort of refuge for lost souls like him who'd fallen asleep in the wrong place one too many times (like the knight bus or something) when a woman ran up and fell on her face.
He'd been about to ask her if she was alright when she asked her question. "I don't think so," he answered, looking her over. She was covered in marks and bruises and he had to conclude that falling over was something she did often. "You're alright?" he asked her anyway, just to be sure. She certainly was excited to get somewhere, though with a look around, he had no idea where that somewhere could have been.
--
"Course I am! I look bad, don't I? Stupid island. I can't morph here! What are people going to think when they see me like this!? Ugh." Tonks pushed her brown hair from her face and sighed. "Try not to stare too much, yeah? You've seen me like this before!"
The idea that this Remus might not be hers never occurred to Tonks. Not once.
--
"I have?" Merlin, he sounded daft. "I mean. Sure. Yes I have. And you look fine, don't worry. People will... be very pleased with how you look."
Or maybe this was a place for people who'd gone round the bend. A sort of asylum for those who really shouldn't be walking around normal society. What better, friendlier place than a remote, completely isolated island? And he'd simply been picked up by mistake - he certainly looked the part. Or else maybe he had gone mad and simply hadn't noticed. Crazy people didn't know they were mad, or else they'd just stop, wouldn't they?
"I'm Remus," he told her, extending a hand out in greeting. He didn't want to upset her by telling the crazy woman she didn't know him like she thought she did, but he figured she might like his name.
--
Raising her eyebrows until they vanished under her fringe, Tonks took his hand and shook it slowly.
"Uh huh. And I'm Dora. Did you hit your head or something?" Honestly she didn't need this right now. Remus was the smart one. She needed him to keep being smart and explain to her what was going on.
--
He shook her hand and repeated her name in his head a few times, both to remember it later and to check that he didn't actually know a Dora he hadn't remembered at first glance.
"Maybe," he told her honestly, shrugging regretfully. "It's possible, but..." Remus looked at her, really looked at her. He wanted to remember her, really he did, but... "I'm very sorry, Dora. I don't... I don't recall where we've met before." Maybe he should be afraid of her. After all, she was just a little bit mistaken and seemed very convicted in her belief. But something about her made him feel sad. He didn't want to hurt her by simply walking away, something he felt was a distinct possibility. He wanted to help. But how?
--
No. Tonks took a step back, unable to hide the shock on her face. He didn't know her. Her husband had no idea who she was. Tonks could feel her heart starting to crack. It had been so hard the first time to make Remus see her and now...
Swallowing back quicky, Tonks forced a smile on her face. "You know, I must have confused you for my cousin Remus. You know what they say. All Remuses look alike. Hi. I'm Dora. Or Tonks. Dora Tonks, actually."
She couldn't tell him the truth. She couldn't stand seeing him pull away from her when he saw who he had married. No, lying was better until she figured out what to do. "It's nice to meet you."
It would be nicer to tuck herself against his chest and cry, but that wasn't going to happen.
--
Now that was a lie. Clear as day, written all over her face, despite the brave face she wanted to show. There was pain there. He was supposed to remember her and he didn't and he felt like shit.
"I'm sorry. I'm... Are you and... your cousin close?" he asked, all the while wondering just how the hell he could've forgotten this woman. Confused for her cousin Remus, what codswallop. In his question, Remus wanted to ask her just how close they had been, even if the question was absolutely ridiculous.
This was a strange place. It had sucked him here somehow, knew his name, and was providing him with a home. Maybe she... Did know him and he simply hadn't met her yet. Something about time turners, maybe?
--
Of course it was a lie. But telling him the truth would be worse. Tonks had spent months trying to make Remus understand how good they could be and that was after he'd known her. Now what chance did she have?
"We use to be," she said and started walking towards to small town. "Come on. I'll show you around."
--
"Thanks." Remus followed her lead into town, wondering what he could say to make her feel better. She must feel betrayed, that someone she had apparently been close to had completely forgotten her very existance. If she wasn't delusional, that is, which was still very possible.
Making a decision about this sort of thing was somewhat daunting, but Remus eventually stopped to take another look at her. "Okay. I..." Changing his mind about this would've probably been a wise course of action, he realised. "Tell me something. About me. That... few people know. Something that only a select few people know." If he went on to trust her, he would trust her now. And it would tell him if she was telling the truth.
--
She could shout out a dozen things about him. How he liked his tea. His favorite chocolate to keep close. Which side of the bed he slept on. Or even the fact that he howled at the moon.
"What is that going to prove? I could be a spy. A really good one. Maybe I know everything about you and I'm planning on using it to turn you into my own personal slave?" Tonks kept her eyes focused firmly ahead, not letting herself look at her husband. Not husband. Just Remus.
"Remus John Lupin. Gryffindor. Best friends with James and Lily Potter, both deceased. Best friends with Sirius Black who you think betrayed James and Lily and killed Peter. You like chocolate. You sleep on the left side of the bed. You are brilliant at DADA. Oh and you're a werewolf and in the Order." Tonks let out a long breath and risked looking over at him. Gods, he was so handsome. She needed to touch him and it hurt her not to.
"You love reading. You're quieter than most people. You make me smile in the middle of a war. And I..." love you. "I'm Nymphadora Tonks. Sirius' second cousin. You've met me once or twice, but when I was younger. And my hair was pink."
--
"Yes, a very stealthy spy who appears to have a lot of experience falling over," he mock agreed, nodding and smiling at the idea that she might want to use her super evil spy powers to turn him into a personal slave. But then she continued and some things she told him, she could've learned from observation, she could've known through their being casual friends. But the side of the bed he slept on? Even he didn't know that one. He made her smile... The notion that was occurring to him now was preposterous and he didn't dare imagine it was the truth.
You make me smile in the middle of a war. She spoke of him as though she-
For the first time in a very long time, Remus was scared. He would never... He couldn't do that to her. To anyone. That was... No. He hadn't. He wouldn't!
"Nymphadora Tonks," he repeated around the lump in his throat. "Whose hair turned bright red when we called her Nymphadora. Of course. It's the hair that... threw me off. How did you grow up so fast?"
--
"I'm not that grown up," she said with a small smile. "At least I try not to be. And don't call me Nymphadora. I hate that name. You've settled on Dora. I mean. Dora is fine."
Coming to a stop, Tonks turned to Remus and sighed. This wasn't fair. He didn't know her. He didn't remember the life they had or how she fit into his arms. And she didn't remember their son. Oh hell. How was she supposed to explain that?
"Can we go sit down somewhere and talk?"
--
The more she spoke, the more convinced Remus became that he had ... done that to her. How could he do that? Even if he loved her - particularly if he loved her... He would never want that for her. Never!
"Sure, yes. Let's." Sit down. Talk. Discuss all the ways in which he'd swooped in and ruined her life. Better he hear it now than once he fell in love with her again, he supposed. And Sirius' cousin. Now that was irony.
--
There wasn't really anywhere nice to sit. So Tonks plopped down on the ground. "Okay, I'm not sure how to explain this. Because you don't have to believe anything I tell you. But I'm going to tell you what I know to be true anyway."
Tonks began to pick at the glittery yellow nail polish covering her nails. She didn't want to explain all this to Remus. Maybe it would be better to leave him alone and not be such a pest.
"Harry came to Hogwarts in 91. The war started again. The Order came together a few years later and Kingsley recruited me. That's when you and I got to know each other. Sirius busted out of Azkaban in... 93 maybe? He's innocent, by the way. The war got worse. Bellatrix got out in 94. She killed Sirius in 95. I started.. Uh. We got married in 97. Not long after Dumbledore was killed by Snape. And, yeah, that's the short story of it all."
There. She'd told him they were married. Before. They weren't now. This Remus wasn't her Remus.
--
Remus did a little less plopping, opting to lower himself to the ground slowly, his knobby knees popping out of the holes in his trousers, much to his embarrassment. Since she didn't seem to notice it, entranced as she was by her own nails, he figured he should pay more attention. Tonks, or Dora, seemed far too nervous about this.
When she started speaking, he forgot all about his knees. He had to play catch-up with everything she said, his mind taking far too long to absorb everything she was telling him. He didn't have the chance to reconcile what she said before she moved on to something else, something equally surprising and even more tragic. At some point, he stopped looking at her, his gaze going distant as it focused somewhere beyond the ground in front of him.
That Harry arrived at Hogwarts in 91 wasn't such a surprise to Remus. He'd known that, had calculated it every September ever since the late 80s, looking forward to it on Harry's behalf. Just four more years now, he'd tell himself from whatever hovel he found himself in at the time, as though reassuring not only himself that something of James and Lily lived on, but attempting to reassure Harry himself from a distance.
Panic gripped him when she told him that Sirius had escaped Azkaban, his first instinct to run to Hogwarts, to warn Dumbledore (as if he wouldn't already be perfectly aware), to protect Harry. Because that is what Sirius would be after, wouldn't it? He would want to finish the job. And then she told him Sirius was innocent. But how could he be? He was the secret keeper! He had to have told Voldemort! No one else could have!
But no sooner had he opened his mouth with a retort, Tonks continued, oblivious to the anguish, the confusion on his face. Bellatrix got out of Azkaban? What was the prison made of, Swiss cheese? And then Bellatrix killed Sirius?! If that wasn't proof enough of his innocence, nothing was. But Sirius died? Sirius DIED?! Remus' breaths started coming in a lot faster, desperate for a little more air, for everything to slow down because this was- Sirius had spent more than a decade in Azkaban before breaking out, which made him a fugitive - and an innocent one at that! Sirius had been innocent. Sirius had spent a decade- and he was innocent! Remus seemed to stall on the thought, unable to get past it. And when Sirius finally escaped, he was KILLED? By Bellatrix?! Remus had always known the world to be a horrible, cruel place, but this... He didn't notice his hand covering his mouth or the fact that he was hyperventilating, too absorbed in his own thoughts. Merlin, were he and Sirius even... Did he see him, did he get to talk to him? Just once? Apologise?
His eyes widened when she said they were married, but that disappeared from his mind before a thought was completely formulated.
"SNAPE KILLS DUMBLEDORE?!" he yelled, not giving a shite who happened to walk by at the moment. That fucking slime! If he ever crossed paths with the slimy git, he'd kill him himself.
--
"Um. Yeah. Harry was there. I.. I still don't understand what happened. Snape was in the Order with us. We trusted him and he just..." Tonks shook her head. Dumbledore was a good man. He had faith in her at all times which wasn't something that happened often.
"I'm from the war. It's hard. My dad--" Tonks couldn't finish that statement. The pain was still too fresh. "Lots of people don't make it," she said. "Some people say it's worse than the first war. Harder. I don't doubt it. But we-- well." They had each other, right? Tonks reached deep inside of her to pull the feeling of Remus' arms around her to the front of her mind. She couldn't forget. She needed that memory.
"I'm sorry," she said and sprang up quickly. "I shouldn't have.. Um. This is all.. I should go. James and Lily are here. And Sirius. You'd probably rather be with them, yeah? I should go." She needed to be away from Remus. He had people here who were missing from his life. People he had been mourning. It was selfish of her to expect him to want to spend time with a girl he didn't even know.
--
Go. She wanted to go. Why? Why would she give him all this information and run?
"No, wait!" They were here? Lily and James and Sirius? He needed to talk to them, he needed to see them! But not now. Not right now. He couldn't- they would be so much younger than he was - unless Sirius wasn't, which was possible.
Someone had had way too much fun with timeturners.
Taking a few slow breaths, Remus checked his pockets, but didn't have any chocolate on him. Oh well.
They got married. Finally, Remus seemed to clue into the fact that was probably what she'd been trying to get at all along. But James and Lily and Sirius! Merlin, how was it even possible...?
"No," he said after another deep breath. "Not right now. It can wait. We're married. I mean... To you, we're married." Which was also ridiculous. Remus scratched at his forehead, still trying to make sense of it all. This was all so ridiculous. And though he knew she deserved his undivided attention, that was just not something he had to give. But he would fake it.
"I'm sorry," he said finally. "I'm sorry I don't remember. I wish I did." Because as horrible as this all was, living through it might have made it more painful - but finding out all at once like this was somehow a bit worse, he suspected. "I'm so sorry." So sorry I did that to you.
--
"Don't. Remus, it's fine. Really. Look, I've had every day with you in my time, but you? You don't know me from Helga. I don't expect you to want to sit around and hear about our life together." She wouldn't push him again. She would not force him to love her again. Tonks made that decision so easily that it almost scared her.
Tonks wanted to cry. She wanted to hide in a dark room and cry her eyes out and then cry some more. Her life had been her marriage and now... Ugh. He didn't know her, she didn't know her son and she died before she could have a life. And for what?! What was the point?
"There aren't many people here. I'm sure you can find them. We'll talk later or something." Tonks wondered if Remus would seek her out after he got his real life back. If she would even occur to him once James and Sirius we're around.
--
Tonks was a Hufflepuff? It was a strange thing to notice at such a time, but the knowledge made him smile. He married a Hufflepuff. Suddenly, that situation made more sense - only a Hufflepuff would marry the likes of him. And she was right, he had other things on his mind right now, and no interest, at the moment, at least, in hearing about their life together. That was nor important. What was important, was the fact that they had one. And perhaps he didn't know her, not really, not the way she knew him. But if he fell in love with her in the future, loved her enough to... subject her to... then he might love her again. He probably would. She knew him... she knew what she was getting herself into.
Remus slowly rose from the floor, knees popping as he did so. His friends were alive. Well. They were alive here. He would get to see them. This was a good day. A very hard, good day. "We'll talk later," he said with a slight nod and a small smile. Unsure what exactly one was supposed to do when saying goodbye to someone who was going to be your wife and who you didn't really know, Remus gave a lame half wave, which seemed, to Remus at least, to make her seem sadder. He could have imagined it, knowing just how lame the gesture was, but it bothered him.
"Hey," he walked up to her and, looking mightily awkward, pulled her into a hug. "Thanks."
--
Tonks very much doubted his promise. Who was she compared to his best friends? No one. No one at all and she knew that. The wave was just proof that he wasn't interested. He wasn't going to come back and Tonks knew that she wasn't going to pursue him. Not this time. She was ready to walk away and spend the rest of her time on this island avoiding her hus-Remus, but then he had to go and pull her into a hug.
And whether he was her Remus or not, he still felt like him. Tonks couldn't resist the temptation. Her arms wrapped around his middle and her head rested on his broad chest. Gods, she needed that hug. She needed to feel his arms around her and know that he was still there. Remus was the only person who'd ever been able to make her feel this way. She felt instantly calmer and safer and happier and warmer and it hurt her heart. Ached down to her very soul because she knew that the hug didn't mean anything to him.
"I have to go," she said in a choked voice and pulled herself away from him. "I'm glad you have your friends back," she said and kept her head ducked so he couldn't see how red her eyes had suddenly become. Praying she didn't trip over her own feet, Tonks turned and took off in a jog. She didn't look back.