theodore_nott21 (theodore_nott21) wrote in unforeseen_rpg, @ 2007-09-01 17:51:00 |
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Entry tags: | theo |
Trust (flashback)
Who: Theodore Nott and Neville Longbottom
When: May 20th, noon (flashback)
Where: Hogwarts grounds
What: Theo seeks some advice from Neville
Notes: Fluffy angst. :P
Status: Complete
Theo strolled across the grounds, eyes fixed on the ground and hands shoved in his pockets. He was still brooding over the events of a few days ago, and was still as confused as ever. Being lost in thought led to him nearly tripping over someone kneeling on the ground, and he stopped, confused. Blinking, he looked down and stammered, "N-Neville?"
"Hey, watch i...!" Neville started as someone stumbled into him. "Oh, sorry, Theo. Didn't mean to shout at you." Neville kneeled up, stretching his back. "Worst thing about gardening isn't the plants biting you," he smiled. "It's the bending over."
"Sorry Neville," Theo said, attempting a smile. "Didn't see you there." He directed his gaze at the soil Neville was kneeling by, rather than look in the boy's eyes. "What are you planting?" he asked.
Neville pointed to a couple of the small bushes. "Nothing fancy, just thornroses, some magical marigolds to keep the bugs away and a couple of other plants. Can't plant anything dangerous out here, got to think of next year’s students and amblers. It's no fun trying to take a walk when the little things are looking at you like breakfast!"
Theo nodded, not really listening. Then his head snapped up and he smiled. "Oh, yes, I meant to thank you. For the book. It's really interesting... Keeping my mind off... things..." He ran a hand through his hair, his smile fading fast. Looking up again, he said, "But yes, thanks."
"Nah, mate. No need to thank me. Would have been stumbling around in the dark for Merlin knows how long if it wasn't for the poke you gave me." Neville smiled. "Anyway, glad you like the book. It's one of my Gran's favourites. She has at least three more copies hidden around the house." Neville moved until he was sitting on the ground and pulled off his gloves, tossing them onto the flowerbed. "You doing okay, mate? Seem a little... I don't know... distracted."
Theo hesitated. Neville seemed nice, and not one to go blabbing everyone's gossip about... And he needed to talk to someone, he needed some advice. Sitting down, Theo faced Neville. "Well..." he began, and then stopped. He didn't know where to start and there was so much he couldn't say to Neville, so much he had to dance around... "Well, erm, Blaise, Draco and I..." He paused. "Blaise and I are..." he tried, then shook his head angrily. "There's so much I can't tell you, and it's hard to get out what I can say and... I'm keeping a... secret, from Blaise. And lately, he told me something hard and now I feel guilty because of this... secret. I don't know what to do because I can't tell him, I want to... But it's hard, Neville, it's so hard. And I don't know what to do."
Neville thought for a few moments before trying to figure out what to say. "Well, why don't you start with what you can tell me. Won't go further than us, I swear. Then we'll see what we can do about coming up with a solution."
Theo considered this. He'd have to tell Neville what happened to Draco in seventh year if he was to understand, but Blaise had trusted him with this information and he didn't want to break that trust. What could he say? How could he explain himself? "Blaise and Draco had a... talk. And Blaise learnt something bad. And then Blaise told me and it was hard for him because he wasn't really supposed to tell me. And this just made me realise what a bastard I am for keeping this secret from Blaise. I mean, I've always felt guilty but I guess this was just the... realisation point?" Theo paused, looking down at the ground, thinking about it.
"Secrets are a funny thing, mate. The bigger the secret, the guiltier we feel about keeping it, especially from those we care about. It's one thing to not tell someone that the robes they're wearing make them look like a dementor it's another thing completely to keep something important from them." Neville stopped, looking up at Theo. The boy seemed to be agonising over the whole thing. "I don't think that you're a bastard for keeping a secret from him. You promised someone that you wouldn't tell, right? And you meant it. Sometimes all we have is our word, mate. Especially now."
Neville ran a hand through his hair. "I suppose what you have to do is measure how much you trust Blaise to keep the secret if you share it with him and how much the other person means to you, and what repercussions you'd be facing for sharing it with your boyfriend."
Theo shook his head. "No, you don't understand. This isn't someone else's secret, it's mine. Something I haven't told anyone, ever. Something that's haunted me, all my life. It's hard to talk about it even now, when you don't even know what I'm going on about." Theo felt like he was going to cry. He was so confused; there were too many emotions running around his head and he couldn't sort them all out. Most of it was guilt... He felt guilty that he hadn't told Blaise, then angry at Blaise for making him feel like this, then guilty for thinking that. He was upset and angry and confused, and he didn't know what to do.
"Right." Neville said, getting his head around this. "Let's see." He chewed his lip for a second. "Okay. I'm not going to ask you what it is. Cause whatever it is, it's fairly big and we met each other formally a week or so ago so I don't think I have any right to ask. But I am going to ask you some questions - not about the secret. Okay?" Neville paused.
"How much do you trust Blaise?"
"I'd trust him with my life," replied Theo immediately. He didn't even have to think about that question.
"Right." Neville thought. "And do you love him?"
Theo hesitated slightly, before quietly replying. "I don't know if I can answer that question, because I don't know what love feels like. I'd do anything for him. I'd die for him; I'd risk my life for him. When I see him in pain it hurts me as well. I just want him to be happy and for him to always be there and for him to realise that I'll always be there for him as well. Is that love? I think so, and so I'll answer that question with a yes."
"Right." Neville filed the information away. "Does he love you?"
"He says he does, but how am I supposed to know?" Theo asked, shaking his head slightly. "I'd like to think so."
"Okay. So, you love him. He loves you. You trust him. But you're scared of losing him?" Neville surmised. He didn't look Theo in the eye.
Theo nodded slowly. "I guess. I mean, what if I... drive him away? What if he thinks I'm a freak or something? This is pretty close to home for him. He's got so much going on right now and I don't need to trouble him any more. He doesn't need to know about my... past."
"Theo, mate, hiding this is making you miserable and you can't keep hiding it. It's not healthy. And if he loves you and trusts you, he'll notice and soon. You might lose him by not sharing with him. Gran always says that who we are is made up of who we were and the choices we've made." Neville plucked a daisy from the grass nearby and examined it for a second before looking up at Theo. "If he loves you, he'll accept it and help you work through it. He won't see you as a freak. He'll love you more for sharing something that you've been afraid to share with anyone." Neville smiled a little. "All we have is each other, mate. No need to feel guilty about keeping secrets. I'm sure he hasn't told you everything about himself either."
Theo ran a hand through his hair. "I guess you're right. I need to tell him. But Merlin, it's going to be hard." He sighed and looked up at Neville. "I guess I'm just... reading into this too much. Making too big a deal out of it. Overreacting."
"Nah, you're not. It's a big decision." Neville smiled comfortingly. "Just take your time, explain it slowly to him and give him time to react. Don't worry if he needs time, mate. It must be something big to keep it hidden from him. That you're sharing will mean a lot to him."
"I... guess." Theo stood up, and smiled a small smile at Neville. "Thanks. For everything."
Neville smiled. "I owed you!" He turned serious a second later. "Seriously, though, mate, if you need to talk about anything, I'm usually around with a good ear and a terrible short term memory!"
Theo grinned at that. "I guess I'll see you around. Thanks again, Neville." And with that, he turned and started trudging back to the castle, mind made up.
Neville watched Theo go, hoping that everything went well for the boy and that it all worked out for him.