|Sable Skwigelf, nee. Harris (ex_sable973) wrote in undertherainbow,|
@ 2010-05-15 04:43:00
|Entry tags:||maison roberts, sable harris|
[Locked to friends and family EXCEPT Soren, Cass, and Henn]:
I'm thinking of selling the shop. Or giving it to Judah. Or... getting rid of it, basically, arranging for it to no longer be my concern or my responsibility.
I've never really been happy here. I was content, keeping the shop with so many people depending on me, but I don't think I was really ever happy... not for very long. I made some bad choices... I followed the wrong road... and I can't do it anymore, because I've come to a place where I haven't just lost my way, I've lost myself. I've become a person I can't stand, and I know no one else can either.
I tried to make this place somewhere people would come not just to find a book, but to find shelter, safety, care, something they needed... With few exceptions, I've basically failed, and I can't keep relying on other people to give me the means to make enough money to support this kind of endeavor.
I've never belonged to this world. I can't leave it, but I can try to change my place in it. I don't know how yet... but I know I need to. It's that or leave by the one way I know is always open to anyone who seeks it... and that's not a choice I'm willing to make.
I've made my work into a gimmick and myself into someone who is shallow, angry, bitter, paranoid, and self-sabotaging. I've become alienated from everyone. Or... I've alienated everyone.
I'm sorry for everything I've done. I'm sorry I've never managed to find my place here. I'm sorry I've done nothing but get more and more lost since I got here.
I don't know what I'm going to do now, except start packing up my things to be stored away or to travel... I don't know where, or to do what, but I don't think I'll be here by next Monday. I'm just so tired of being this... thing I've created... I'm just sorry.