InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "If i only had a brain"

Stephen Colbert, Bastion of Truthiness (truthy_patriot) wrote in undertherainbow,
@ 2009-01-28 23:49:00

Entry tags:

candy quackenbush, jesus, stephen colbert, tachikoma, the word

The world is WRONG.
This last week has been hell on earth, folks.

Do you have any idea what it's like to age in reverse? It's embarrassing, is what it is. It's degrading. It's having your pubic hair grow inward.

I'm never waxing again. I like my hair where it is, thankyouverymuch.

And someone needs to tell me what the goddamn grizzly-bear hibernating fuck is going on with this chick who says she used to be my blue-sidebarred friend The Word. This is impossible. For one thing? Just between you and me? She looks too damned butch.

(But she's got a really nice ass, even if she's clearly delusional. So I'm keeping her. As long as she doesn't suddenly decide I need to pay her. I don't pay delusional people. I leave that kind of thing to the government.)

No, folks, this week has meant being surrounded by more shit than a national Colostomy Bags Anonymous convention. I should've called in those crazy hippies with their newfangled green technology - there was enough methane being generated in this studio to power the national grid.

And then there was some kind of shindig happening in Washington last week. I don't know. Some black dude became President? Thinks he's some kind of Messiah, or something. I wasn't paying attention: I was too busy rediscovering Neopets and contemplating the relative size of Angelina Jolie's frontal assets.

(But everyone already knows Jesus was whiter than Marilyn Manson. So screw you, 'Jesus'. Come back when you've gotten a non-tan.)

Excuse me, guys. I need to go see if that one hippy dude's advice about playing music to plants works on body hair.

(Post a new comment)

	thats_the_word 2009-01-28 11:21 pm UTC (link)
	Pint and a half each, or approximately five pounds total. (Reply to this) (Thread)

truthy_patriot
2009-01-28 11:30 pm UTC (link)

You're behind the times. We're all metric now. Not like those crazy English folks. People fought and died for our right to use base-ten. Respect it.

And someone needs to get out here and pick up all these used diapers. I think we've discovered a new anti-terrorism tactic - nobody in their right mind would want to walk in here wired for explosion with all this bodily effluence lying around. Seriously. Who the hell wants to die covered in shit?

Someone should get that in a memo to Homeland Security. Moms, listen up: It will be your civic duty to save the doody.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	thats_the_word 2009-01-28 11:46 pm UTC (link)
	You mean we don't have a clean-up crew in this studio? Somebody should get on hiring one of those. You might be on to something there though, Chief, especially with the birth rate around here as high as it is, I'd suspect rabbits are involved, somehow. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

truthy_patriot
2009-01-28 11:55 pm UTC (link)

We did, until they all turned into ten year olds and went home crying to their mommies. Wait, I'm getting deja vu. I can't think why. Oh, now I remember: November 4th. It's all coming back to me now.

I think I need to take my Kleenex and be alone for a while.

You know what I think? We should stop drinking the water. There's something not right about that.

And get some Febreze in here, before someone thinks we're starting a creche.

(Reply to this) (Parent)

	traitorousrat 2009-01-28 11:25 pm UTC (link)
	Dude. DUDE. Whoa, it's Stephen Colbert! Yeah, Jesus became the President, there was a big fight at Rockefeller, people got wacky with the age thing, etc. ...Don't you need to pay attention to this shit to qualify as a newscaster? (Reply to this) (Thread)

truthy_patriot
2009-01-28 11:37 pm UTC (link)

Hey. I was dealing with puberty in reverse. You try going there and tell me you managed to think about anything outside of freaking the hell out because your beastly manhood was shrinking before your eyes.

And there was that whole, not being able to see over the desk without a booster seat thing.

Politics always takes a back seat to my ego. Which is immense. And rightly so. Because I'm awesome, and only the things I pay attention to qualify as news. Some random dude riding a wave of cultural intangibility of being some kind of Second Coming isn't news. It's the basis of a comedy show.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

traitorousrat
2009-01-28 11:50 pm UTC (link)

Actually I was completely unaffected by the whole thing. But I did get stuck as a rat for two years back home, so I can get you on that one. Stuart Little was not renowned for his ability with the ladies. Maybe lady rats, but I had no plans on finding that out.

That would be obnoxious.

Don't you have like, staff who pay attention to the news for you and write it up or something? Though I guess if I was you I'd probably be more concerned with what was happening to me too. I'd probably be freaking out.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	truthy_patriot 2009-01-29 12:03 am UTC (link)
	My staff were a collective median age of ten years old and busy snivelling like Sarah Palin on election night. I had half a mind to call in Moses, because I was in serious need of parting a veritable sea of briny tears. And snot. There was an unbelievable amount of snot. There are not enough drycleaning businesses in the world right now. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	traitorousrat 2009-01-29 12:06 am UTC (link)
	The whole staff? Shit. Burn it. Just burn it all and buy new stuff. Gross. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	truthy_patriot 2009-01-29 12:42 am UTC (link)
	Oh, I'm not burning anything. Burning things is entirely unAmerican. Unless you're doing it for the insurance. Then it's totally kosher. (Reply to this) (Parent)

	crossmenow 2009-01-29 01:22 am UTC (link)
	Nobody's whiter than Manson, Stephen. And yeah- I invited you along to the party, you know. You shoulda been there. I think you might have actually liked it. (Reply to this) (Thread)

truthy_patriot
2009-01-29 07:54 am UTC (link)

My invite must have gotten tied up in the mail room while it was suddenly doubling as a kindergarten. All it was missing was a cop.

But you know, "Jesus" (if that's your real name, and if it isn't actually pronounced, "Hey Zeus"), I'm not much of a party guy. And I get the feeling that crowd would have been full of crazypants liberals. Which means I would have been about as thrilled as this guy.

Only not as wrinkly. And with more hair.

And with a shorter, way less potentially-criminal record.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

crossmenow
2009-01-29 03:20 pm UTC (link)

If you woulda asked, I could've helped you with that, man. I got used to it, with Little Ma's kids.

Jesus is my name. And no, it's Jeez-us. Immanuel, like the Bible. And hey, conservatives party too, man. More than I thought. I was just a little proud.

I think you're a bit more fun than, Cheney, man don't sell yourself short.

What's up with you, man? Ain't caught the show since I had this hwole new schedule thing to work out.

(Reply to this) (Parent)

	williseeheaven 2009-01-29 08:48 am UTC (link)
	Hi~~~ (Reply to this) (Thread)

	truthy_patriot 2009-01-29 09:50 am UTC (link)
	For the love of all that's holy (and by holy, I really mean me), tell me you have ice cream. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	williseeheaven 2009-01-29 11:15 am UTC (link)
	I always have ice cream! (Reply to this) (Parent)

	toitshour 2009-01-29 01:24 pm UTC (link)
	You waxed before? (Reply to this)