Piece of advice, for those that lived sheltered lives and never really experienced much alcohol consumption: Don't consume almost an entire bottle of scotch, especially if it's really your first time drinking. And especially if you don't want to end up arguing with a mannequin you pilfered from some department store.
Also. If anyone finds a charred piece of plastic with a vaguely humanoid shape, uh, please return it to the J.C. Penneys at a mall (I'm not sure which one) in Philadelphia. Tell them that the shirtless man that stole it from them is very, very sorry.
God I hope no sports reporters find out about this.