|Sohma Shigure (ooh_schoolgirls) wrote in undertherainbow,|
@ 2008-09-19 17:51:00
|Entry tags:||anonymous author, sohma shigure, stephen colbert|
Hello, beautiful people of Oz! I'm excited to announce that the Anonymous Author has been quite busy this month! I bring you another batch of stories, and this one has a few special pieces!
Mirror, Mirror on the Wall
Captain Hammer was preening in front of the mirror. He gave a wink at the handsomest guy on the block and grinned as his reflection winked back. God, he was attractive. And manly, to boot! He flexed his muscles, admiring their bulkiness. "God, I'm attractive," he mused aloud.
"Think an awful lotta yourself, huh?" asked Jayne, shaking himself and flushing the urinal. He looked over the man, squinting at him. "Y'know, can't help but notice you look a whole lot like my cap'n."
"I am a captain," Captain Hammer said, looking down at Jayne, checking out the goods. It wasn't as impressive as what he saw in the mirror, but it certainly wasn't anything to scoff at. "I can be your captain." He gave Jayne one of his trademark grin-wink combos.
Jayne looked over, impressed. If he were the type to buy into that psycho-mumbo-jumbo, he might start wondering if he had an unconscious desire for his captain that was manifesting in this stranger where it could be expressed without worrying about the chain of command or long-lasting repercussions. Instead he just reached down to stroke his gun, Vera, in his holster. "'At a hammer in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" Jayne asked.
"Yes," replied Captain Hammer, unzipping his pants. "And you can touch this."
"Aye, aye, Cap'n." Jayne followed Captain Hammer into one of the stalls and they had sweet, sweet Hammer Time.
And this next piece is worthy of it's own introduction, I think. A veritable smorgasbord of fun and patriotism!
The Eagle has Landed
Stephen Colbert was sitting at his desk, shuffling papers. He wasn't reading them; they were blank. He just liked showing those eco-liberals that he could waste paper and be sexy at the same time. Of course, he could trudge through waist-high slime and be sexy at the same time. He was Stephen Colbert.
"Now, Patriotism," Colbert said aloud to the empty studio, practicing. "That’s sexy." He cleared his throat, lowering his voice a little and trying it again. "Now Patriotism. That's sexy. Now Patr--"
"Did I hear my name?" asked James Potter, walking out of the shadows from the back of the empty audience. He walked swaggeringly down the steps toward the stage, winking as he approached Stephen.
"What are you doing in here?" Stephen asked, flustered by the sudden appearance. He wanted to put up a strong show of calling security, but he found himself oddly drawn to the man who was trespassing in his studio. At least the intruder had the courtesy to be attractive.
"Can I borrow your glasses?" James Potter asked, ignoring the pundit's question. He was very close to the other man now. "I'm supposed to wear them. Part of the charm, you see," James Potter said, running his hand through his hair and ruffling it for effect.
"Well if you're looking for charm, you've come to the right pair of glasses." Stephen said, taking off the glasses and polishing them on his sleeve before handing them over to the attractive interloper. "All of my clothing and accessories are hand-infused with charm by a team of small Chinese children. They're the same kids who make the American flags, so you know they're patriotic."
"I'm James Potter," he said, putting on the glasses and looking even more Potter-ish to prove his identity.
"Ah!" Stephen Colbert said, suddenly recognizing the father of the famous wizard. He tried to hold in his squeal of delight. Then suddenly, Stephen noticed something else. "Hey, aren't you British?" He scoffed. "So you're British, you’re wearing hair product, and all you're wearing from the waist down is a strategically-wrapped bright pink feather boa.. Could you get any gayer?"
James Potter grinned, pausing for a moment to pluck a stray feather from an uncomfortable place. "Well, Stephen, I can't tell you that," James said, smirking. "I could show you, though."
Stephen licked his lips. Normally, he frowned upon homosexuality. In theory, at least. But faced with someone as handsome as this magnificent stag, theory went out the window. "I’d like to Better Know Your District."
Just as James was unwrapping his boa, a newcomer walked--nay, limped--into the studio. Stephen Colbert felt his nether regions defy physics by becoming even more aroused. "Doctor House!" he shrieked. He felt like a kid in an eye-candy store. Well, hopefully they wouldn't let children in the sorts of stores Stephen was thinking of.
House, intrigued by the goings-on, made his way down the stairs toward the stage. "Looks like you’ve got a hell of a show tonight," he commented.
"Hey, House! I need your help! I'm having homosexual fantasies!" Stephen cried. His own honorary doctorate of fine arts couldn't help him now.
House rolled his eyes. "I'm a doctor. I only deal with real medical diagnoses and make them much more sexy and interesting than they actually are."
Stephen grinned, holding back the urge to fan himself. "House, I don't want you to cure them. I want you to fulfill them."
"Oh," House said, throwing away his cane. It tended to get in the way during sex. "In that case, you'd better let me examine the symptoms. Pants off." Ah, how many patients had he said that to over the years? This time he really meant it, though.
As Stephen fumbled to unbutton his pants, giddy at the idea of being in the same room as James Potter and Greg House, MD, a third man walked in. Stephen was absolutely sure that he was going to pass out.
"I came looking for my shield," said Captain America, notably shieldless.
Stephen spoke up, though his voice sounded high and squeaky. "I thought you were dead!" he cried, tears starting to well up in his eyes. "I'm so glad you're alive!" He ran over to Captain America and wrapped him in a bear-hug. He didn't even care that he was breaking his own boycott of every word with 'bear' in it. "I've missed you so much!"
Captain America raised an eyebrow, looking down at the strange man who was hugging him. Well, when you were a superhero, especially one that was the personification of America, you could never really be a stranger to anyone. He patted Stephen on the back, though he could tell from the bulge pressing into him that it wasn't his back Stephen wanted petted. "Is that a penis in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" Captain America asked, having never really gotten the hang of innuendo.
Stephen tried to answer, but couldn't do more than giggle. Finally, he let his idol go and pointed at the shield on the wall.
Captain America retrieved it and turned back to thank Stephen for taking good care of it. "Well, I suppose I should be going.." He was intrigued by what was going on, but he really shouldn't take part in it. He was Captain America, after all. He had standards to uphold.
"I have standards to uphold, too!" Stephen shouted, having suddenly developed the power to read minds. It was what happened when someone had such a high level of truthiness. "You’re on Notice, Captain America. My Love Notice."
"Well, when you put it that way," Captain America said, throwing away his shield and inadvertently cutting House's cane in half and lodging the shield in the wall. Oh well, he'd take care of that later. Now he had something more important to take care of.
Captain America started unzipping the hidden zipper that all heroes secretly had on their suits. He placed a hand on Stephen's head and gently pushed him suggestively downward. "Suck my America-flavored--"
"And that’s the word!"
And one last one... This is quite a departure from the Anonymous Author's usual style, but I think you'll enjoy it! Send the kiddies to bed!
Kiss and Make Up
Sirius Black was Angry. He had stomped around the living room but the loud noises he was making only reminded him of the loud noises he could be making with James and Lily if only not for that giant-nosed git and his stupid blonde girlfriend-wife-woman.
Determined to put a stop to this nonsense, he stormed over to Snape's house. He banged loudly on the door, using his wand to amplify the noise. "Shit," he said as the wand broke. That was all right. He wouldn't need magic to do this, he thought, pushing up his sleeves.
Snape came to the door, his hair wet from his monthly shower, towel wrapped around his waist. "Black," he said, eyes narrowing. "What are you doing here?"
"Tell your girlfriend to stop making my best mate not want to want to have.." he paused, unsure of which words he'd said already. "I want to have sex!" he summed up, quite eloquently.
Snape rolled his eyes. "As if anyone's actions but your own could repel someone with half a brain." He reached for the door to close it. "If that's all, Black, I would like to finish my grooming rituals."
Sirius slammed his hand against the door, shoving it open. "Look here, your bloody girlfriend--"
"My fiance did nothing. You did it all to yourself." Severus was beginning to get annoyed. Insults to himself he was used to, but when someone started to insult his woman, he got violent. "Now leave before I have to use my black magic on you."
"Oh yeah? Oh yeah?" Sirius said, putting up his dukes. "Maybe I'll use my Black magic on you. Get it? Black? Black?"
"Har-har," Severus replied dryly, rolling his eyes.
"Fuck you!" Sirius said, screaming loudly to show how right he was.
"Fuck you," Severus said, his voice still droll and uncaring.
"Let's have hot sex," Sirius said suddenly.
Severus considered for a moment then shrugged. "Why not?"
Sirius hopped into Snape's arms. "Now we kiss with tongues!" he decreed.
Severus was all too happy to oblige. He shoved his tongue down Sirius' throat and wiggled it around. Lips still locked with Sirius, he carried the wizard over to the couch and dumped him down so that he could shove his hands down the man's pants.
"Oh, yeah," Sirius moaned, bucking his hips up against Severus' hand. He stretched his head up, grabbing Snape's towel with his teeth and pulling it off the man's waist.
Snape's penis was surprisingly clean. All of the effort he hadn't used on grooming his hair had gone to his penis. Maybe this was the grooming rituals Snape had been talking about. Well, Sirius could help with that.
Opening his mouth as wide as he could--for Snape's penis was very large on top of being very clean--Sirius began to go down on Snape.
Snape moaned, his eyes closing and his head rolling back as he continued to stroke Sirius Black's cock. Neither man could believe what a good lover the other was, after having fought and argued for so long. Now all of their previous problems seemed so small and petty (Especially Sirius').
After a few minutes, Black's mouth got tired. Snape's penis was the biggest penis he'd ever had in his mouth, and he wasn't accustomed to all that stretching. His head fell back onto the couch, gasping and trying to apologize but words didn't come to him. He reached up with his hand to grope the other man, but Snape's own hand had already taken the spot, pumping quickly and in time with the hand that was still working Black's diminutive genitals. A massive cock and ambidextrous too! Luna was one lucky lady.
Sirius bucked his hips, groaning. He was getting close. He wanted Snape inside him, that enormous penis filling him up. But Snape had other plans. His speed quickened and as he felt hot fluid coat his hand and the inside of Sirius' pants, he felt his own orgasm come. Maneuvering his cock, he aimed for Sirius Black's face.
'I always knew this would happen to me someday,' Sirius thought as he wiped Severus' come off of his face.
I hope you've enjoyed! As always, I will pass along any and all feedback. The Anonymous Author loves hearing from fans!