Henry
That sucks, and I'm sorry. I didn't know. I can't say anything that'll make it easier or better. It doesn't help to tell you it will eventually be easier to think about, because it hurts now, which is always the important thing. The present, I mean.
I will tentatively say that actively seeking out more dangerous jobs or drinking would be a really bad way to deal with this, but I don't know that that's what you're doing.