Hello, beautiful people of Oz! A lovely day today, wouldn't you agree? I have fabulous news for you all! The Anonymous Author is back from hiatus, and has sent quite a delicious spread for you all to enjoy.
Fun With The Penal System
Gojyo was sitting in jail. He'd been charged the night before with drunken disorderly. He'd been drunk, sure, but he hadn't been that disorderly. Really, the only thing he'd done was flirt with a girl. He found out later that that girl happened to be the sheriff's daughter. Apparently lawmen didn't like outsiders coming in and wooing their daughters. "Always about the hair," he said, lamenting the racism that his bright red hair brought upon him. He'd put out a call for a lawyer, and while he waited, he thought back on how he'd gotten here. There was an emptiness inside him and he couldn't find the right person to fill it.. Who would he be able to truly love?
"Denny Crane," the lawyer said, walking past the guards. He handed one of them his card. 'Denny Crane,' it proclaimed in bold font. "Denny Crane," he said again to another guard. "I've been hired to represent.." his words faded as he set his eyes upon Gojyo. "this amazing young, poor, innocent, beautiful creature you have so crudely locked behind bars." He smiled to Gojyo, giving him a wink. "Denny Crane," he said. He gestured back to the guards. "Get these doors open so I can speak with my sexy client."
The doors opened and Denny walked in. Gojyo couldn't speak. He was blown away by the amazing presence of Denny Crane. He was a bastion of masculinity. Gojyo reached out to touch his cheek.
"You're beautiful, my dear," Denny Crane said. "And I do love the Asian ladies," he said with a wink. He sat down next to Gojyo, wrapping him in his arms.
"I'm not a lady," Gojyo protested softly, leaning in close to breathe in his scent.
"Oh, a feisty one, huh? I like 'em naughty." Denny grinned. He leaned in to kiss Gojyo's lips.
"Mind if I'm on top?" Gojyo asked, his voice sultry as his fingers ran up and down Denny's sides.
"I love a woman who takes control," Denny said.
Gojyo leaned into Denny, whispering in his ear, "Denny. Crane."
The Family That Hunts Demons Together Stays Together
Dean Winchester and his brother Sam were hunting a slime demon, from the ancient legend of the slime worshipping people of ancient Zabaliboolabah. Sam was reading from a book with a pinlight, straining his eyes to see in the darkness. "It says the slime demons were once regarded as gods, but as the invading tribes began to invade, the gods' favor turned against them and they became demons."
"Yeah, you'd know something about 'god's favor', wouldn't you buddy?" Dean smirked.
"Not funny," Sam said, rolling his eyes in the darkness. Then his pinlight flickered and died. Sam shook it up and down vigorously, trying to make it work.
"Dude, I'm standing right here. Could you wait till you're alone for that?" Dean snerked.
"Could you be serious for one second?" Sam scolded. "We're in the middle of a sewer and our sources say there's a monster here that kills people with horrible disgusting toxic slime, and now we can't see anything. This is no time for masturbation jokes!"
"As long as this doesn't end with your slime--"
"All right, that's it!" Sam said, jumping towards Dean and tackling him to the ground.
As they were wrestling, their hands grasping for eachother's thighs, biceps, and backs, they heard a chanting. Suddenly, they froze in their homoerotic pose. "You hear that?" Dean whispered in Sam's ear.
"Yeah. Sounds like a spell," Sam replied.
The chanting ended and a bright light filled the sewer. Several feet from them stood a redheaded witch.
Dean rolled off of Sam, clambering to his feet. "This isn't what it looks like," he said quickly, enchanted by the beautiful woman.
"It's cool," Willow said with a shrug. "I'm down with the gay. It's a little disappointing when they're so hot, but what can you do?"
"No, no, no," Dean backtracked. "He's my brother."
Willow made a face. "Okay, that I'm a little less down with."
Dean facepalmed. "Here, let me show you what I mean." He stepped closer to Willow, taking her in his arms and kissing her deeply.
Willow was surprised, but kissed him back. He was so handsome, and a really good kisser. She didn't even mind that he was soaking wet and smelled like sewer water. She had to have him, now. She started unbuttoning his wet shirt.
"Uh, guys? Still here?" Sam said, mildly disgusted at the idea of his brother getting action from someone other than him.
Dean broke his kiss long enough to glance back at Sam. "There's a jar of peanut butter in the bag," he said, his hands groping Willow's breasts. "Ancient Sumerians worshipped peanut butter as a god, you know. Should work to get you off."
Sam opened the bag and glanced at the jar of Jiff peanut butter, raising a brow. He wasn't a choosey mom, but..
Diamonds Really Are a Girl's Best Friend
Edward Cullen was leaning against his very expensive car, brooding. His life was so full of darkness and woe and he would never know love. He couldn't even sleep perchance to dream! Some days everything just seemed so dark. Of course, that was lucky for him, since he was a vampire. Sunlight typically didn't agree with them.
As Edward was pondering his unlife, a girl in a bright yellow jacket and red sunglasses--despite the aforementioned overcast sky--bounced by. Edward's head immediately turned and he stared at her. She was amazing. It was as if her very existence made the entire world bright again. Just catching the scent of her beautiful black hair made it feel as if the sun was shining down on him.
In fact, the sun had come out from behind the clouds. Edward was sparkling with the brilliance of a thousand diamonds, having hardened into a living stone. And that wasn't all that had hardened. This certainly caught Jubilee's attention. "Hey, shiny!" she said. "Damn, how many kids does Emma have?"
"What?" Edward asked, confused. He looked down, realizing that he was in diamond-form. "Um.. No?" He didn't know who this 'Emma' person was. "Do you mean Esme? She's my mother."
Jubilee started laughing. "So Emma's a grandmother?" But suddenly her amusement was conquered by her rising lust. She wondered if maybe Emma's grandson was controlling her mind somehow, but she didn't care. "I must have you," she said.
"You smell like heroin," he said, and they rushed into each other's arms, kissing passionately.
Above them, colored fireworks burst into the sky.
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