lee has no idea how to feel about anything. (notatwin) wrote in underquarantine, @ 2010-12-06 00:28:00 |
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Entry tags: | katie bell, lee jordan |
Who: Lee Jordan and Katie Bell
When: 5 December, Evening
Where: Katie's rooms
What: They talk. They don't accomplish much.
Rating/Status: Low, Complete (AIM log)
Katie was a mess, a complete nervous wreck. She had no idea how it had gotten this way, she'd been fine with Lee yesterday (well, as fine as one could be in this situation), but tonight she had just...snapped. She was on her bed, wrapped up in a blanket, her journal abandoned nearby. Her eyes were red-rimmed, and her hair was a tangled mess, once neatly tied up on the top of her head. She sighed and then flopped backwards on the bed, her eyes closed, dreading the knock on her door that she knew would be coming. Half of her wanted to get cleaned up, but the rest of her knew it was a ridiculous idea. No need, really, when she'd probably look like an idiot again after about thirty seconds of this fretting. She had just flipped onto her stomach, flipping through the journal and then flinging it to the floor in a fit of irritation, when she heard the knock she'd been waiting for. Not even mustering a come in, she waved a hand at the door and then realized she wasn't holding her wand. Bloody hell, she thought, and grabbed at her wand, using it to swing open the door from her bed. | |
Lee felt horrible about the situation with Katie. It was mostly his fault, he really shouldn't have proposed so off handedly via the journals but he had been panicking. It seemed his moment of insanity had ruined whatever friendship he enjoyed with Katie, it was now a mess of awkward silences and strike outs in the journals. He hated it and he hated the way he felt like he had to censor himself around her. Snapping the journal shut, he growled in furstration and reached for the bottle of vodka. Two healthy shots later and a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach and he was heading toward Gryffindor tower. He was frowning, which was a bad sign, and he felt like shite. Stalling outside the entrance, he jotted down a quick note to Patricia in his journal and pasted a smile on his face. If Katie was willing to put it all behind them, then so would he. He was tired of feeling bad about it. Knocking on the door lightly, he waited for her to let him in. When the door swung open, he walked inside hesitantly, unsure of what he would find there. "Katie?" he said looking at her and mumbling a few curses under his breath. "Bloody hell, girl, what is happening here?" He strode across the room and crossed his arms over his chest. "You going to let one stupid proposal knock you down?" | |
Clearly they we're going to be having two different conversations at this rate. Katie sighed, shoving her bangs out of her eyes, and crossed her arms, unconsciously mimicking her friend. "I'm an idiot and I've ruined everything." That sounded like a good way to start. May as well just be honest and get this over with so at least one of them could end up happy. "Clearly you'd be happier with someone else, and I'm sorry I've acted like a prat and wasted your time." She rubbed a hand angrily across her face, mad at herself for tearing up again. "Honestly, Lee, you don't have to feel bad about it. I just want you to be happy." | |
"Although we tried to go over this when we went flying, you don't seem to understand that you have nothing to be sorry for. You didn't do anything wrong." He was the one who had ruined it all by opening his mouth that day in the journals. He had been panicking about marriage and it had seemed only natural to ask one of the girls he had been so close to, although in retrospect he wished he had asked Alicia just to save his relationship with Katie. He moved to sit on the bed next to her and reached out to brush a lock of hair away from her face. "Stop it, bloody hell, I don't like to see you so upset. We agreed to get pissed and talk like adults. I can't handle your tears, Bells." The tears would put him on edge and it would end badly if he walked out. "Let's get one thing straight first, " he caught her gaze and held it. "In order for me to be happy, I need you to be happy too. This." he motioned her in the bed and the tears, "Can't happen, let's fix this." | |
She almost laughed at that, to her there really was no fix. She was going to be alone until she was forced to marry either someone she didn't know or someone she disliked. Really, to Katie, she had ruined her only chance at an actual future that she would enjoy, but she didn't know how to explain that to Lee. "Fix it how?" she asked, sitting up and wrapping her blanket more tightly around herself. "I mean, what is there to fix? I've fucked everything up, no changing that." She pulled the hair tie out of her hair, shaking it loose around her shoulders, wanting to hide behind it, but knowing it would just become a bigger mess. Pulling it back again, into a slightly neater ponytail this time, she sighed, and then looked Lee in the eye. "I'm sorry, let's not harp on my failure at having a future. Who is this new girl you 're seeing?" | |
"I don't know how to fix it but alcohol and that almost smile is a start." He wished he could find a time turner and go back to change the stupid, thoughtless words. He sighed and felt like reaching out to shake her. How could she be so difficult about her own happiness? How could she not just take his offer and say yes? He shrugged but refused to agree to the fact that she had fucked up. She hadn't and he refused to believe any of this was her fault. "Patricia Stimpson. You remember her from school?" he asked slowly hating to have to talk about his date with Patricia with Katie. "She was in Slytherin but was always hanging around us?" he cleared his throat. "It isn't anything serious." he amended. | |
The thought of Lee dating someone else made her angry, actually, which she knew wasn't fair, but she couldn't help it. She huffed a bit at the addition of it not being 'serious' - any date at this point was serious, what with everyone's end goal being marriage within the next week and a half. "Of course." How could Katie not remember Patricia? She was gorgeous, and probably a lot less emotionally scarred than Katie. "Where exactly is this alcohol you keep mentioning?" she asked, arching her eyebrow at Lee, a slight angry edge clearly detectable in her voice. | |
Lee was a man, the hint of anger in her voice was mostly lost on him. He didn't feel comfortable talking about Patricia with Katie and he certainly wouldn't tell her that he had slept over at Patricia's. It was pointless in the current situation. His stomach dropped at her monotone remark and he tried hard not to question her further. Reaching into his jacket, he pulled out the bottle of vodka he had brought with him and showed her with a flourish. "I brought the good stuff, you have glasses?" he asked looking around the room. He did notice she seemed agitated by the mention of alcohol and he frowned a little. "You don't approve of the alcohol or you don't approve of Patricia?" he asked with a calculating gaze in her direction. "Don't be shy, speak your mind. I can handle whatever you have to say." | |
She really, really wanted to tell Lee not to be such a prat, and maybe hit him about the head a bit, but instead she just took the bottle from his hand and opened it, quickly gulping back a burning mouthful. May as well be honest, that much was true as it really couldn't get any worse, but the vodka certainly wouldn't hurt in helping Katie to be honest. "I always approve of alcohol, Jordan." She was trying hard not to sound like a bitch, but it was hard, and she was sure the look on her face wasn't helping. She took another gulp of vodka, the burning in her throat and stomach warming her up. "I didn't take you up on your offer, so I have absolutely no right to care if you're seeing someone.". | |
He stared at her completely confused for a long moment. He was sure they were going to argue about something, he just wasn't understanding what was wrong with her and why she couldn't just admit to him that she might be interested. He had told her that he liked her, it had been his little secret for awhile and yet he wasn't angry or moping because the sentiment wasn't returned. "Alcohol is an easy thing to approve of, everything else is fucking harder." he said as he reached out to take the bottle from her and tipped it up, taking a healthy drink. "So it bothers you that I am seeing someone? Would you rather it be you?" he looked at her seriously. "I tried to tell you a week ago that I wanted it to be you... Have wanted it to be you for awhile now." he confessed waiting for her reaction. He was expecting to get slapped or hexed. | |
She'd been staring at her own hands in her lap after he took the bottle back from her, but she couldn't help it when her head snapped up at his words, her eyes narrow. She didn't know what to say, what to think. There was no way he actually wanted to marry her after how she'd treated him. Disbelief clear on her face, she opened her mouth for a second and then shut it again, completely at a loss for words, a rarity for Katie. Stealing back the vodka bottle, she took another healthy sip before giving it back to him. "I don't know what to say." Her eyes were still narrowed, mostly in confusion. "Did someone hit you with a bludger recently?" Even now, Katie couldn't help but resort to humor, even if it was bitter humor. "You can't actually want to marry me. Me," she said, gesturing to herself and the mess of a bed around her.. | |
Lee rolled his eyes and frowned at her. "Seriously? I tell you I have liked you for a bit now and all I get is that?" he crossed his arms over his chest, feeling a bit of bitterness creep in. "You aren't always like this Bells, I know you. You're funny, vibrant, pretty, and ace on a broom." he shook his head. "Why is it so fucking difficult to believe? I am starting to feel like you would rather not have any of this conversation with me. Is it me? Did I make a fucking mistake?" He stood up and paced the space, his hands shoved in his pockets. | |
As much as his anger frustrated her, it was what Katie had been expecting. Her urge to throw something at the wall or Lee or stupid bloody Patricia was getting unbearable, but she ignored it, grabbing the quaffle she kept on her bedside table and holding it tightly between her hands, trying to keep her anger in check. "See, you are mad at me, as you should be. I'm a terrible friend. You don't deserve me being so horrid." As mad as she was, it was hard not to chuck the quaffle at his head and shout that she'd marry him, obviously, 'don't be a prat Lee Jordan,' but that wasn't the issue, at least not for Katie. | |
Lee turned to her and stared at her, half confused by her words. "I am not fucking mad." he nearly shouted. "I just can't figure out what the hell the problem is. It has nothing to do with being a terrible friend. It has to do with why you won't give me a straight answer about anything." he passed a frustrated hand through his hair. He didn't understand why it was so difficult. Either she wanted to try a date with him or she didn't. He had no idea why Patricia mattered or anyone else for that matter. "I don't understand you." he said, his voice tight. | |
"Well, I don't bloody understand me either, so that makes two of us," she answered, her voice raising to match his in volume. "I couldn't ask you to wait to be my second choice even if I didn't have a first choice, and I didn't want to be a backup for anyone either. It seemed so...wrong," she said, her voice suddenly much quieter, her eyes downcast at the quaffle in her hands. "I couldn't do that to you." She blinked back more tears, inwardly cursing herself for being such an emotional wreck lately. Stupid emotions. "And then I was just so not nice! How could you even want to be around me?" | |
"What?" he faltered for a minute and stared at her. He was so frustrated and upset that the conversation was making little sense. "I asked you. Or did you forget?" he stopped by the bed and looked at her. "You are my friend, Katie Bell. I adore you. I always have. I wouldn't have asked if I cared about being second or fifth or last for that matter." He took a deep breath and tried to stop from feeling like the walls were closing in on him. "Look, this is getting us no where. I don't know what to say, I don't understand." his shoulders slumped and he hung his head. "I need time to think about this and I don't even know if there is a solution. You took my proposal and.." he trailed off shaking his head. "Bloody hell." | |
"What don't you understand?" she asked, finally looking back up at Lee. The vodka had not only warmed her up, but it had also made her feel much better about just telling the truth, which she would have avoided otherwise. "You asked me to marry you, wether jokingly or not, and I panicked. I shouldn't have. I should have just said yes," she said with a shrug, before she continued. "But I panicked and then I treated you badly, because I'm an idiot, and now you've found a girl who won't treat you badly, so it doesn't matter that I'll probably end up miserable. You'll be happy, and that's what really matters to me. I hurt you, and someone else can make it better." She felt a little bit like she was explaining this to a child or an outsider, but she had said it all anyway. "Any other questions?" | |
Lee stood there, staring at her for a long moment. He was bollocks at figuring out witches, even worse at emotional ones. He wasn't used to dealing with the weeping and the sadness. Frowning expressively, he moved toward the bed and leaned over her. Leaning in quickly, he kissed her. It was not a kiss meant to be gentle or easy, it was a frustrated expression of emotions he couldn't put in words. Pulling away after a moment, he swallowed hard. "Shite." he muttered and mumbled an apology before turning and fleeing the room completely. It was such a girl thing to do but Lee was completely and utterly confused. Leaving seemed like the only thing to do or he was sure they would end up ruining their friendship. | |
Katie barely had time to react to the kiss before Lee was gone. She sat stock still for a moment, and then slowly brought a hand up to touch her mouth, as if unsure what it was doing on her face. "Shite," she mumbled, quietly echoing Lee to herself. She stood up on the bed, tossing her quaffle across the room, where it bounced off of a wall and rolled to a stop at the base of her dresser. Jumping down, Katie got momentarily tangled in her blankets, losing her usual grace for a second and tripping over herself and stubbing a toe on the foot of her bed. "Fuck!" Frustrated, she pulled the blankets off of herself and stumbled out the door of her room, wondering where he'd gone. Just what she needed, a manhunt in the middle of the night. She probably looked like a complete maniac, practically running down the dorm's stairs and peering around the common room, hoping to find him. |