WHO: Parvati Patil and Ernie Macmillan WHEN: Evening of May 4, shortly after Celia’s post WHERE: St. Mungo’s SUMMARY: Talking about Lavender and other depressing shit WARNINGS: Angst and depressing shit
Ernie didn’t know how to feel. When he’d first read Celia’s post, and then a second time, and then a third, he’d cried. Luckily, he’d been alone in his room so no one had seen it. The fourth readthrough was when the “they don't know if she will wake up or not” stuck out at him, and his stomach turned - though, to be honest, that was becoming a regular feeling these days. And he was about to reply back wondering he could see her, but the “no one's allowed to” shot out at him and he slumped against his bed again.
He’d told Celia that she had to wake up, that they just had to be patient, because it was what she needed to hear, but he wasn’t sure if he believed it. If he’d learned anything in the past few days it was that nothing had to happen.
Still, he needed to talk to something, and though his mother had told him not to leave the house again today, he’d gone against her orders and apparated to St. Mungo’s. He hadn’t been to visit Parvati yet, and he thought that if anyone knew what he was feeling, it would be her, so he’d found her room, knocking lightly on the door and then slowly opening it. “Parvati? Up for some company, or should I come back later?”
Parvati didn't know why she continued to check the journals, other than to make sure Seamus had definitely not replied to her. All it was was more bad news. Joanna. Another dormmate. Another friend. Even Celia’s post about Lavender she couldn't bring herself to reply to. People seemed so relieved, so hopeful that she was alive. All it really said was that she wasn't dead.
She was glad for Ernie’s appearance, a good reason to stop staring at the journal. “No, come in.”
He hobbled in, still dealing with a significant limp, but otherwise looking mostly the same. He noticed that she did as well, though he did see some bandages peeking out of her robes and the blankets. The journal was lying in her lap, but it was closed, so he wasn’t sure how much she knew. “Have you seen Celia’s post?” he asked tentatively.
“Yes,” Parvati replied simply, gesturing to the chair by her bed. His leg didn't look great, surely standing was a bad idea. “She's not dead.”
“Yeah,” he said, voice catching in his throat. She’s just in a coma that she may never wake up from, was what he left unsaid. He took a seat in the chair she’d pointed him to and sat in silence for a moment. When he finally spoke his voice wavered. “I don’t know what to think.”
Parvati reached over to take his hand, to comfort herself as much as him. “I don't think I can think anything,” she answered honestly, feeling guilty for voicing her thoughts but not wanting to lie. “Except that she won't wake up, because if she doesn't then nothing changes. She's still not here.” There was a painful lump in her throat, but she continued anyway. “But if I think maybe we’ll see her again and then she doesn't wake up?” She looked down, blinking back tears. She couldn’t stand losing Lavender all over again.
Ernie nodded, taking her hand and giving it a squeeze, thankful for the contact. She was saying what he was thinking, what he hadn’t wanted to voice to Celia, not when she seemed so hopeful. He turned away to look out the window, not wanting her to see his eyes getting wet. “I can’t wait. I just want to skip forward to the part where we know. Seamus and Eloise and Joanna and Felix and Sophie and Mallory and…” his voice broke and he took a second to compose himself, though he wasn’t particularly successful. “We’ve lost them, and we’ve already lost Lavender once, I can’t lose her twice, you know? I just can’t.”
The list of names was enough to set Parvati off again, tears spilling over. It felt strange, not to want to be hopeful. How many times had she fought with Seamus about him being too gloomy about everything and now here she was, refusing to see this as good news. “I know,” she agreed, sniffing loudly, voice choked up. “Once already hurt more than I knew anything could hurt. I really -- I really can't do it again, Ernie.”
When Parvati started crying Ernie froze - he hated crying girls - and then Lavender’s advice on what to do when someone was crying came back to him. You could offer a hug! Hugs are nice. So he moved to the bed to give Parvati a hug, careful not to squeeze too tight and exacerbate her injuries - just enough to know that she wasn’t alone. He’d only been dating Lavender for a few weeks - and yes, they’d been friends, but nothing like her friendship with Parvati of seven years - Parvati’s pain was so much more than his, so much more valid than his. He didn’t say anything because he knew if he spoke he’d start crying too, and he wasn’t going to do that, not here, not when he needed to be supporting Parvati, so he just sat there and let Parvati cry on him until she was done, nodding and patting her back gently.
Parvati leaned into the hug, shifting so she could wrap her arms around him too, face buried into his shoulder, not even worried about how wet she was making his shirt.
“I killed him, you know,” she whispered when she leaned back from the hug, wiping her eyes with her hands to avoid looking at him. It was the first time she'd said it out loud. First time she'd even let herself think about all the guilt that was there, buried beneath layers and layers of grief. “The werewolf.” She dropped her hands from her eyes, surveying his face carefully for his reaction. “Don't tell anyone. Please.”
Ernie flinched at the words - it was an automatic reaction, he didn’t think before he did it. Luckily she didn’t see the flinch, and he forced his face to be impassive before she looked up. “Of course I won’t,” he said reassuringly, and then after a moment added, “But you don’t have any reason to feel bad about it. If you hadn’t killed him he’d have tried to kill you. He wasn’t in it to injure people - he didn’t want prisoners. He wanted people dead - first Lav-.” his voice cracked and he looked away, swallowing hard before continuing. “And if you hadn’t stopped him, then you. You did the right thing, okay?”
Parvati wasn't sure she believed his words. Yes, Greyback had attacked her first but she hadn't been thinking about protecting herself, or about trying to stop him by capturing him, she'd only been thinking about Lavender and the blood on his chin and how that was probably hers and how badly she wanted to hurt him and - she shuddered at the memory, deciding to change the subject completely. “I'm glad she had you, you know,” she told him. “Even if it wasn't for long. You made her happy.”
Ernie closed his eyes and looked away, pressing his fingers against them, hoping the pressure would keep any tears from falling. It took a moment to get back under control and he nodded, opening his eyes again and giving Parvati a sad smile. “She was” - is? He wasn’t ready to switch her back to present tense yet, he still didn’t know how that would end up - “pretty amazing. Made me pretty happy, too. I still don’t know how, but I got pretty lucky to snag her.” His first girlfriend. Possibly killed by a werewolf in the Battle of Hogwarts. Talk about baggage.
“The most amazing,” Parvati agreed, leaning against Ernie again. “You didn't get lucky. Someone doesn't like someone else just because of luck. There were a lot of reasons she liked you.” She smiled sadly, remembering late night gossiping with Lavender about her feelings for Ernie, her throat tightening again. “Do you think we’ll ever feel happy again?”
Ernie considered the question for a serious moment, and then nodded. “Yes. I think it’ll be a different kind of happy - we’ll never not miss them. But think about the first war - Harry and Neville both lost their parents, and it’s part of who they are but it’s not the only thing they are? They’re always going to be with us, nothing’s going to take that away. But I think we’ll have other things that are with us too, and they can’t all be sad, right?” It didn’t seem right to be happy yet - he’d even felt guilty when he’d seen Justin, like being happy about his best friend being back was being unfaithful to the ones he’d lost. But he thought with time that had to abate. “I think it’ll be a while, though.”
“Yeah,” Parvati replied, lips quivering and not convinced. She loved both Harry and Neville, but neither of them had ever seemed like the most happy of people. Not like she used to feel. “I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.”
“Yeah,” he agreed, wanting to change the subject. He felt disloyal just thinking about being happy again, so he gave her hand another squeeze and shifted gears. “But how are you? Physically, I mean, I think we covered the other part. How much longer are they keeping you?”
“Not too much longer, I think.” She was almost dreading leaving though. Here she could pretend that nothing existed outside this room. Out there she had to return to normal life. Go about her day like her two best friends weren't dead. Or dead and maybe not dead. “The wounds just have to heal over a bit more so they're not super open and don't get infected or something.” If she was honest she didn't really listen to what the healers told her. But she knew she'd still need to be careful about them at home, redress then herself, so she was happy to stay here and have someone else do it for her. “I don't know. I can like, stick my finger into my body in some parts. It's gross.” And information Ernie probably didn't need to know, but that was still easier to talk about than everything else. “What about you?”
Ernie grimaced at her description of her injuries, but at the same time was happy for something completely different to take up space in his mind. “Released me yesterday, I’m supposed to be resting up at home, but lying there mostly drives me crazy so I’m spending a lot of time here, actually. Plenty of people to visit.” And the busier he stayed, the more likely he was to just collapse in bed at the end of the night, no time or energy to focus on himself. He could handle being busy much easier than he could handle being alone with his thoughts. “I can add you to the rounds until you get out, if you want? And Hannah’s been baking up a storm, so if you’re tired of Mungo’s food I can probably snag you some.”
She'd been avoiding company, but Ernie seemed miserable too so she could cope with him visiting. “That would be nice,” she squeezed his hand tightly, thinking about how Lavender would probably like her and Ernie becoming better friends. “Thanks Ernie.”