darththalia (darththalia) wrote in tpm_flashback, @ 2004-09-05 14:47:00 |
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Current mood: | accomplished |
Apprentice to Journeyman by Susan Smithson
Original poster: marzilla
So I haven't been home, or anywhere near a computer, for the last three Sundays. I didn't want to infringe on anyone else's day, so today you're getting recs all in a row until I'm caught up. Get a soda and settle in. *g*
Title: Apprentice to Journeyman
Author: Susan Smithson
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Q/O
Warnings: none
Link to story: http://masterapprentice.org/archive/a/a
Reasons for recommending: When Susan posted this story, I felt like I was finally reading the story I'd been waiting for since the fandom began. It's very long, luxuriously slow and sweet as she takes us through Obi-Wan's growing years, Qui-Gon's teaching of him, and the delicious development of their love, all in a context of Jedi life and learning that feels as authentic as anything I've seen in the fandom.
Master Jinn nodded, and waited, obviously seeking something more from him. He almost expected a "why?" but his master remained silent. Obi-Wan worked hard to unknot the tangled skein of emotion that roiled through him, feeling in some way tested, now as always. The tears kept rolling down his cheeks, collecting along his jaw before dripping down onto his tunic. He wouldn't even raise a hand to remove or deny them. But denial and control were two very different things. "My love for you is not wrong. I would know, if it was. But it must have and keep its place." For the first time, looking at and longing for the man who had already given him so much, who sacrificed so much in order to see him and others like him grow strong in the Force and meet their own destinies, Obi-Wan understood how a gift could be a burden. Still, he had to ask, he had to know-and Qui-Gon had promised him honesty. "Do you feel nothing for me, my Master? No spark of interest, no desire? Am I somehow lacking in this area?"
His master's laughter, clear and pure, rang through the room like a bell. "The flesh which houses you clearly reflects the spirit that lives within. Of course you aren't lacking in this area. But, Padawan, a sunrise can only be appreciated by a being with eyes to see it. I do not have the eyes to see you with passion."
"And I can't teach you to see?" he asked, clinging tenaciously to hope.
"You are the student. There is nothing you can teach me in this area at this time. And now, I beg you, seek out your pleasures with other lovers, and leave this behind."
"No!" Hotly. "I want no other lovers."
Master Jinn sighed and returned to his chair and his meal, chewing absently on bread and cheese. "Then your next few years will be lonely indeed, and I feel great sorrow for that."
Obi-Wan dragged his plate toward him, forcing down the food because he'd be ordered to otherwise; his physical training schedule was heavy today. He knew his master was being honest, yet somehow it seemed easier to bear a love unrequited than to bear no love at all. Was he so different from other padawans, that he and he alone refused to give up a feeling so deep, so rich, so full? Or were there others like him, battling their positions and their desires?
As he emptied his plate he realized that it didn't matter. He would not, he could not give up this feeling; it was too precious. And if only he felt it, and if it was a gift as his master had said, it was his responsibility alone to see that it no longer be a burden for either of them. Casting a furtive glance at his master, he wondered if he would ever touch himself to sleep with the memory of that appropriated kiss, of those hands warm and large against him. He thought not. He wondered if Challi, or Hartmal Keene or a host of others would grace his mind in the late-night hours, and again, he thought not. He curled in upon himself, feeling almost unbearably alone; it seemed the monastic life was his, and while painful in the extreme, he could see no other way.
He must now measure his love for his teacher against his own will, against the voice of the Force inside him, and he could never let his need for love from the man speak louder than the Force. He had no idea how to accomplish that task, no idea how anyone could. But for now, he would put away the memory of that kiss, of those formal touches, of his sexual desires, and to the best of his ability, think of them no more.
Apprentice to Journeyman