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Tweak says, "Your haircut is hot."

Melinda May is just the driver. (thebusdriver) wrote in toboldlyrpg,
@ 2017-10-09 11:51:00

Entry tags:

! enterprise, melinda may | mcu, phil coulson | mcu

WHO: Phil Coulson and Melinda May
WHERE: Gym
WHEN: 226410.09
WHAT: Feels. Talking and feels and a little bit of sparring.
RATING: PG
STATUS: Log; Complete.

It felt good to be back on a regular training schedule with Melinda. The physical exertion was useful and it was too easy to get out of shape on a ship. So instead, they'd taken over a corner of the training gym in the mornings, going at it until they were both exhausted. Today he'd decided to make it extra challenging for himself by not using his prosthetic arm. Phil had started warming up without her, but he'd glanced over at a noise and the next thing he knew, he was flat on his back, wind knocked out of him and Melinda on top of him.

He couldn't speak due to the impact on the mat and gave Melinda a thumbs up for pinning him.

Maybe it had something to do with complacency in this place- the Enterprise was great as far as ships went, but most days seem to bleed together with little to separate them other than the cupcake flavors being offered in the mess hall- but Melinda could feel the edge she’d honed to sharpness begin to dull. That was why she looked for new sparring partners, people to pit herself against to stay razor sharp, but she always came back to Phil. The time she got with him every morning, even if she got nothing more, was always a high point in her day. He always knew just the right way to challenge her and, unlike some others on board who had moral qualms against fighting women, he didn’t hold back. She did her best to ignore the way every moment with him just felt right, because he was involved with someone else and she would never put her own happiness before his, but it wasn’t always easy.

Today it was less easy. In fact, it was down right hard. So Melinda did the only thing she could do… She did her level best to kick Phil’s ass and show him exactly what it was he wasn’t getting.

She’d known right away that he hadn’t seen her, hadn’t detected her presence when she slipped into the gym so she’d used that to her advantage to get an early pin. She’d rolled and flipped him during the tackle so she ended up on top, her hands at his wrist/elbow, straddling his hips with feet pressing down hard at his knees to keep him immobilized. Her eyes flicked up to his hand when he gave her the thumbs up (honestly, she’d expected a different finger), then back to his face while he regained his breath.

“Good morning.”

"Morning yourself," Phil said, still a little hoarse and breathless as he tried to regain his senses. He nudged his hips at her for her to get off. Because having his second straddling him had the potential to get awkward, especially when they were both sweaty. "You know, generally a handshake or a hug is an acceptable way of saying hello."

She moved her feet off his thighs and sat back, putting her full weight on him for a second before she gracefully stood and offered him a hand up. “You want to start shaking hands to say hello?” she asked, one brow arched up toward her hairline.

There was a moment with May's full weight on him that his body reacted despite his intentions and he let out a strangled noise. He took the hand gratefully and got to his feet, brushing himself off. "Well, pinning me to the mat first thing seems a bit overkill," he commented, giving her a look before dropping into a low kick to try her legs out.

Phil had telegraphed his move… Not that anyone else would have seen it. It was the familiarity of more than two decades of working together closely, building both personal and professional relationships to the point of giving each other a set of keys to their homes that let her see it coming. And, because he might have been a little right (not that she’d admit it), Melinda pretended like she hadn’t seen it coming from a mile away and she let the kick take her to the mat.

She laid there a moment so he could bask in this one victory before rolling to the side to get her feet under her. “Maybe. Sure was fun, though.”

"Less fun when you let me get one over on you," Phil said, holding his hand out for her to help her up. They were almost too well matched in sparring at times. He rubbed at the stump of his arm before moving to circle her again.

"It's not like you to let me win."

Melinda smirked as she countered his steps, watching and waiting for him to make a move. “Giving up a single point doesn’t mean you’ve won.”

"Usually you make me bust my ass for every point," he teased, watching her closely. It was dangerous to talk, because while they were sparring there was always the chance something might slip out. He kept his eyes on Melinda before faking a right punch before bringing his left elbow down on her shoulder.

Melinda dipped when she saw where the next hit was going, trying to absorb the blow. She took the opportunity to take a couple of quick, sharp jabs at his middle before dancing away. “Gotta keep you interested somehow. Otherwise you might find someone else.”

The comment hit a bit too close to home and Phil took a few steps back to gather himself before spinning and coming at her from the other side. "You've been my sparring partner for years, Melinda. You're irreplaceable."

Melinda blocked with an elbow and then backed away, eyes scanning for something to use as a weapon. He wouldn’t expect that, but there wasn’t anything handy that she could see. “Mmhmm,” she said before moving in with a hold on his good arm, trapping it between her arm and her body. It was harder to trap his amputated arm in the same manner because of its shortened length, but she managed it The move forced a closeness that she didn’t think he was expecting… And one that she craved. She missed spending much of her time with him because no one knew her the way he did, not even Andrew. But he had other focuses, other people to spend his time with, and as much as she wanted to demand things of him, she just couldn’t. “You’ve sparred with other people, Phil. We both have.”

It was challenging for Phil to have Melinda on board. Normally he would have been glad to have her on board - she was like an extension of him. But after declarations of feelings and Phil dating Peggy, it was more complicated now. Phil tried to keep his routine going - sparring with Melinda in the mornings, working in the traveler liaison office with Peggy, and then dinners with Peggy and occasionally with his SHIELD team. Routine protected him from feelings that he didn't want to deal with. He knew it wasn't fair to Melinda to try and keep his distance, but he wasn't sure how to go back to the way things used to be. And then she had him trapped up against her. Phil struggled to get free. "Still. What we have is something special."

It would take someone who was blind and deaf to not notice that they were having a dual conversation here. And there were days when Melinda was up to this sort of sparring, both physical and verbal and mental, days when she lived for it… But that was not one of those days. She was just… tired. And she missed her friend, missed him desperately. It was worse to miss someone who you knew was just beyond your reach than it was to miss someone who was lost to you forever, as she’d thought he was when he’d died. She’d gone home and wept into her pillow that night, hurt, angry tears… the self-recrimination had come later.

Melinda tightened her hold on him, just for a moment. “I thought it was,” she said seriously, almost sadly. “But maybe it’s not. Maybe it’s nothing, Phil.” Before he could answer, she dropped down and backward into a roll, throwing him over her and onto his back on the mat.

He was out of practice. That much was evident because he didn't see the move coming when he should have and he needed a moment when he landed on the mat. When had falling begun to hurt that much. Melinda's words rang in his ear. "Is that what you think? It could never be nothing. It's always been something, from day one."
They just had horrible timing. And the worst thing was, he knew Peggy would understand if he said he needed to break it off. But he had feelings for Peggy. And he had feelings for Melinda. For the longest time, there was no chance of anything happening for Melinda, so he'd put his feelings away. But now that the box had been opened, it was harder to bury them again. His face was full of anguish as he looked up at Melinda. "Nothing's changed."

Melinda stayed seated after the move, but she spun around to face him. She made a good show of it, but getting off the mat was getting harder for her too, her body stiff most mornings from years of rough living. He was right about one thing. It- their relationship- had always been something, from the day they’d met in the Academy, through every class, every mission, it was always something that grew deeper and fuller the more they got to know one another. But he was wrong about another.

“Everything’s changed, Phil.” Because while Melinda had acknowledged that she had feelings for him, in the intervening weeks she’d come to realize that those feelings were love. And it was hell for her, watching the man she loved be with someone else, completely oblivious to how the snippets of attention she got from him weren’t the balm he found them to be but like shards of glass being shoved directly into her heart. “And it’s going to take a long time for me to forget what it’s like to love you enough to pretend like it hasn’t.”

"Melinda…" he sighed, unsure of what to say. Because of course Melinda would just come out and say it. She was a woman of few words, but when she said something, it paid to listen. "I don't know how to do this. I have feelings for you and for Peggy, and it's not fair to either of you. Our timing has always been shitty, May. At least in terms of this… Andrew, Audrey, Rosalind… "

He ran his good hand over his hair. "I don't know how to go back to how we were."

Melinda took a deep breath, staring at the wall to give herself a moment to gather her thoughts. She knew the way to go back to where they had been. It would be awful for her, painful beyond belief, but… “Is that what you really want?” she asked, voice soft and low with pent-up emotion.

"What I want doesn't matter," Phil said quietly. His primary concern was to protect his people. Which meant Peggy and Melinda. And he didn't know how to do that because no matter what he did, someone was going to get hurt.

“Of course it matters,” Melinda said, turning to watch him. “What you want matters as much as anything else.”

Phil sat up with a bit of a wince and sighed. "It's not that simple." Part of the problem was that he wanted the impossible. He was happy with Peggy. She challenged him, made him laugh. She was amazing and he had fallen for her - beyond just admiring her for what she'd done. And then Melinda had shown up and everything had become complicated.

“And it’s not as complicated as you’re making it.” But that was Phil… He always thought things through, and then he over thought them.

Melinda cleared her throat and looked away. “If you want to go back to the way it was before, we have to ignore that anything changed, Phil. That’s the only way to do it. You’ll pretend you don’t have feelings for anyone other than Peggy and I’ll pretend that you’re just my partner and that’s all you could ever be and, eventually, we won’t have to pretend anymore.”

"I think we both know that hasn't been working," Phil commented as he ran his good hand over his hair. "But I know I need you at my side. I want you at my side. You're like an extension of myself. And we've both dated other people before." In theory, Phil thought this shouldn't be any different. Except for the fact that it was completely different. "I don't mean to avoid you, but I worry about what I might do when I'm with you. And if I can't control myself, I try to avoid temptation."

Melinda looked back at him, trying (and failing) to lock down the way her heart was in her eyes when she spoke. “I need you with me too.” Because she did. He’d put into words so many of the the things she was feeling so succinctly. It was just another thing that illustrated how perfectly, painfully suited for each other they were and always had been. “I understand the avoiding, but it doesn’t stop it from hurting.”

"I know. But perhaps it hurts less than being together and not being able to do anything?" Because the problem was that Phil was an honorable man - and a monogamous one. And he didn't' know how to reconcile his feelings for two amazing women.

“Maybe the ignoring hasn’t been working because we’re not on the same page,” she said, turning more fully towards him. “I think it’s clear that you’ve made your choice, and it’s her. That’s… Not fine, but I’ll get over it with time.” This wasn’t her first broken heart. Melinda knew that eventually it would mend enough for her to either look back at these feelings with fondness or bewilderment. “Drawing things out by not admitting to yourself that you’ve chosen her isn’t helping things.”

"It's complicated, Melinda. I can't simply end things. I have feelings for both of you. I wouldn't have asked you to end things with Andrew. Perhaps… our feelings have just never been meant to be. This is nothing new. We've dealt with worse. People can come and go at any point in time. For all we know, I could disappear tomorrow." Phil wasn't sure what else to say so he got to his feet and grabbed a towel to wipe the sweat from his face before rubbing at the stump of his arm.

Melinda watched Phil as he got up, his agitation clear in the line of his shoulders and the way he moved. He still didn’t get it. She was going to have to spell it out for him. “I’m not asking you to end things with her.” Because she knew the sort of man he was, the code of honor he held himself to, but there was only so much that could be brushed aside under the heading of ‘it’s complicated’. At some point a person had to uncomplicate it by clearly abandoning one avenue of action. Two paths diverge in a wood and one man cannot walk down both at the same time. A choice has to be made.

Maybe that was the real issue. A choice had to be made and he didn’t want to be the one to make it. So she’d have to make it for him.

Melinda stood, brushing the seat of her pants up. With a sad look in her eyes, she pulled the towel away so he didn’t have anything to hide behind or fiddle with. She wanted him to listen, really listen, to what she had to say. She took his hand, giving him a sad smile to match the sad look in her eyes, and then leaned in to press a soft, dry kiss to his cheek. “I love you, Phil. But I need someone who can love me too. Unreservedly.”

She dropped his hand and stepped away. “We can start sparring again in a couple of weeks.”

"Melinda…" Phil said, his hand reaching out for her. She shouldn't have to do this. He couldn't choose, but he didn't want her to choose for him either. He didn't want to have to make a choice. He didn't want to be in this situation and the best alternative he saw was to end things with both women. Better to have nobody win.

She knew she shouldn’t retake his hand. She knew it would be a bad idea all around, but she couldn’t help herself. And once that one connection was made, it was too easy for her to give in, to pull him in close and, for the first and probably last time in her life, indulge herself. If she was going to put herself through the torment of a break up that wasn’t actually a break up, Melinda at least deserved one memory.

She released his hand and cupped his cheeks, pulling him in for a quick kiss before backing away again.

"May, please. Don't do this."

“I don’t want to, but one of us has to.” And Melinda was always fine with being the bad guy. Because it was her job to watch his back, to protect him from any and all threats. It always had been and it always would be, that wouldn’t change. “It’s not fair to make me watch you spend all your free time with her while I get ‘it’s complicated’. This is the best course of action and I think you know it.”

That stung. Because Phil knew just how often Melinda was willing and ready to do what was necessary, even if it wasn't right or good. He knew just how much of that she carried every day. Both of them had crossed lines, and for some reason, in that moment, Phil thought back to that moment on Maveth, where he'd crushed Ward's chest. It had been unnecessary. The point of no return.

"No, it's not. For whatever it's worth, Melinda, I do love you."

“I know you do.” And that was the truth. She’d always known it, just like she knew he’d always known that she loved him. It didn’t make this easier in any way, because the truth was that the love they felt for each other just wasn’t enough. It wasn’t enough to make him choose her over Peggy. It wasn’t enough to get through this. So the only option left was acknowledging that and just setting it aside. Like they always had. And with time, things would be back to normal. They could work together and joke and be as close friends as they always had, because, like he’d said… “It’s just really lousy timing.”

She turned and headed toward the door, her heart breaking with every step. It was better to get out of there while she still could.

Phil let her go, because he knew he had to. And lousy timing seemed to be their constant MO. He felt his heart sink as he watched her go, not knowing if this was for the best and knowing that he needed a drink.