InsaneJournal

Jadzia wasn’t sure who needed a drink more. Her or Tony. Probably both of them. She wasn’t even the type to drink her sorrows away, but everything was starting to catch up with her. Her time with Mako had been very fun and there’d been a chance of it growing. But that chance had been taken away and that grated on her. She’d never really let herself focus on what it meant to lose Worf and how they’d talked about children.

Nothing was permanent. As a Joined Trill Jadzia understood that better than most, but it had never really hit her until today just what it meant. She couldn’t go back, and any chance at building something on the Enterprise would always have a shadow cast over it by the threat of being suddenly whisked away. Forget children; having more than a stringless fling with someone was now out of the question.

Okay, she really needed that drink.

Tony'd said a lot of brave words to Jadzia the Sunday everything had gone to shit, but it was hard to believe them after being there for Bruce. He was the type of man that wasn't redeemable. He was flawed, and didn't really get a lot of second chances, and he'd never fully believed that he'd actually find love or babies or any of that here in space.

But Bruce, Bruce deserved all of that. As much of it as he could have in his state, anyway. Betty leaving had shattered all of that, and Nat had helpfully broken whatever was left. The amount of drinking they'd done that night was epic levels of drinking straight from the bottle, and Tony was certain that he'd needed a new word for the kind of hangover he'd had the next day.

Now he was just sad, tired, and cranky. But he had more talk about with Jadzia than their love lives. So when he ordered theirs up, he nursed his glass. "So. Do you want to talk about it?"

“Meet an intriguing young woman with a tragic backstory who’s a good kisser. Have her whisked away back where she came from without a chance to see what might become of it?” Jadzia swirled her drink around. “Or a chance to even say goodbye.”

She pointed at him with one finger. “And we’ve now learned if she comes back? She won’t remember a damn thing.”

"Because..." Tony trailed, off, squinting at Jadzia's outstretched finger. Then he blinked a few times as something came to him. "Oh. Right, Captain Janeway. Doesn't remember her previous visit. Right."

That definitely made it all worse. He looked at his own glass and muttered, "Well fuck me.

“Maybe later,” Jadzia joked. She wasn’t so morose as to miss out on that joke right now. “Okay. We’ve talked about me. What about you, and Bruce?”

It wasn’t in Jadzia’s nature to mope around. Oh, part of her wanted to. Thinking about everything she’d said it really was depressing. But she’d rather turn it around and help Tony than worry about herself.

"Bruce is... well, he's a trainwreck. Complete trainwreck. First he finally convinces himself it's okay to want nice things. You know. 'Cause he actually might get them. Maybe even deserve them. And then Betty leaves, because that just happens. But you never think it's gonna happen to you. And then he gets this stupid message from someone telling him that she CHOSE to leave him. I want to find that person and punch them in their face but it's not worth the night in the Brig." Tony replied, looking about as angry as he sounded.

"Hitting this person is probably not worth it. I can understand the desire to, but-" And this but was coming from the woman who was an honorary Klingon. "Violence isn't always the answer. Save it for when it's really necessary."

Jadzia was a little offended on Bruce's behalf. Why would anyone tell someone that? "No one chooses to leave. Mako didn't. She wanted to stay. She wanted a chance to... she wanted a chance."

There was no telling what adventures or disasters might befall the Enterprise. It was the Enterprise. But it couldn't be any worse than what some of the people on board had been through. Jadzia firmly believed that. And maybe Tony's anger was rubbing off on her and making her push down her own issues. They just didn't seem important anymore.

That probably wasn't healthy.

"And she should have gotten that chance! They all should have. But they didn't. And now it's like. Oh? You want second chances? Too bad. You're gone now. Don't even get to remember your character development, nope, we can't have that" Tony said, angrily waving his hand around. The glass nearly slipped out of it and went flying, and he held onto it so tightly his knuckles went white.

"I should be calm. Calming myself. This is supposed to be about you."

She put her hand on Tony’s arm. Nothing he said was wrong, nothing he said didn’t bother her. It went beyond the personal attachment they had with these people and to a kind of existential crisis. “Breathe, Tony.”

It wasn’t fair. None of this was fair. She’d died. She’d remembered the light fading. Whatever waited her made her afraid, and Jadzia being afraid of death was unusual and frightening in and of itself. “There has to be more to it than we know.”

"Hey, I'm breathing. I'm good." Tony set his glass down before he crushed it, and really did focus on taking a few deep breaths. "It's not even fair. Just, none of it. You almost had a person. And nothing I go back to is anything worth it."

It was pretty much a roller coaster ride of PTSD and his friends turning him into a villain, from what he could see. Maybe he really did become one. Maybe Ultron wasn't an accident. He put his elbows on the table and rested his hands against his face. "There isn't enough alcohol for this. I had stuff. Do you mind if we talk about my other problems? Maybe finding a solution will cheer you up."

“LIfe is more than finding a person. Sure, it’s nice. There’s something to be said about a warm body and sweet nothings, but that can’t be the only thing.” It was as much for herself as for him. Part of her would always wonder what could have been. But she had to move forward.

Getting emotions was something to be avoided too. Luckily, that was something that could wear off.

“Okay, Stark. Shoot.”

"Well it's like this - Pike had a talk with me before we went on Shore Leave. Kind of a - join Starfleet for real, non-commissioned, put your genius to work talk." A vein on Tony's forehead twitched a bit. Pike had made him obscenely nervous, and he wasn't even the type to get nervous.

"Gave me a long lecture about how all the projects I want to do are selfish, even if they'd benefit Starfleet in the long run. And then told me I'd have to follow orders. And I get that. I do it every day, right? It's not like Medical is a walk in the park. But I thought there was some leeway for personal projects." He shrugged a shoulder then, and reached for his drink. "Honestly my biggest problem is the part where I don't want to leave Bones, and don't want to have to pick between Science and Engineering. Isn't there some kind of interdisciplinary department? The two are like twins, why do you people keep separating them?”

Being faced with an Admiral was enough to make anyone nervous, and Pike was the rare kind who commanded respect by his presence. “There’s a lot of overlap between the disciplines, but we do like to keep medicine and theoretical sciences separate.”

If this was Deep Space Nine, Tony could easily find work without being tied to Starfleet, and that was the key. “Is that really what he lectured you on? Your projects being selfish?”

"Only doing stuff that benefits Starfleet, putting it aside to follow orders at any moment. The usual 'be responsible and selfless' lecture, yeah. I agree my stuff needs more oversight. Bruce has..." He trailed off, and winced, "Well. Horror stories. I don't look good. Apparently I look really bad for a long time, in fact."

“Things you don’t remember doing? Haven’t done yet?” Jadzia poured them both another drink, realizing that hers at least was already empty.

“You can’t be responsible for that. Not yet, anyway. You’ll just go crazy. But I think where you’re drawing the line is not at oversight, but too much oversight. And Starfleet can get carried away with that. But…” She pointed her drink at him. “The Admiral isn’t entirely wrong, but he’s not entirely right either. What benefits Starfleet might not always benefit the galaxy as a whole. I can’t tell you the number of times DS9 had to bend the rules just to get things done. Or to do the right thing. So what if instead of having your work reach only Starfleet, you find a way to help the Federation, and its allies, as a whole?”

Bend the rules.

Tony squinted at Jadzia and picked up his glass, which was now nice and full again. "I mean, sure. Not everyone's a good fit for Starfleet, is what you're saying. I'm jiving with that. And hey - I'm not holding myself accountable for that. But I am saying that I know what Science and Engineering do together when no one's paying attention. Happened to me right before I came here. Apparently I didn't learn that lesson too well there, but I'm HERE, and I want to. Help people. But also make suits. And look into better uses for this chemical. And a couple of other things."

He added, after taking a sip. "I'd keep good records, too. Records are important. So you can use what I made if I end up... you know. Poof."

There are numerous engineering and science agencies only tangentially affiliated with Starfleet,” Jadzia pointed out. “And since, as a traveller, you’re stuck on the Enterprise, you might be able to make an arrangement with one of those agencies. I’m sure they’d love to have someone with access to the equipment and labs on the Enterprise.”

They’d have to get it past the Captain of course, and with at least one of these agencies, but it would still obey the spirit of the rules. “It doesn’t even have to be one from Earth, but that would probably be best. It wouldn’t be the first time civilian engineers were on board a Starfleet vessel, and it wouldn’t be the last.”

Jadzia Dax, Chaotic Good.

"Now I wish I'd talked to you before we'd left Earth. Could have gotten into contact with some of those guys. I bet I'd have to wait until next shore leave. Or maybe ask for a shuttle back." He squinted, the wheels in his head starting to churn. He'd felt bored and useless, especially as more and more actual medical professionals came aboard.

This felt good, more up his alley, anyway. "So I should research. See which one of those might take on someone new. And who's a good fit. Then maybe... Make an action plan, run it by Peggy. She can forward it to the staff."

“If not Earth, there are other planets.” She’d say Vulcan, but that planet was gone. Maybe New Vulcan, it was an option at least and they’d probably appreciate any help they could get. Not that Tony would be the best person to foist onto the Vulcans.

“Peggy would be a good start.”

She topped her drink off. “Everyone needs structure. It’s a matter of degrees.”

"I'm thinking my problem is not enough structure in the right direction." Tony said, shrugging his shoulder. Half of his problems would be solved if someone just let him have his workshop and let him get to work. "Used to setting my own structure. Doing my thing. Making stuff, tinkering. So yeah. You've got a good idea there, Tails. I think I'll look into that."

He noticed her topping off her glass for the third time, and squinted, "So you're not really okay, are you?"

She looked at the drink in her hand, shrugged, and knocked back half of it. “It’s a little of everything. Accepting I’ll never see Worf or my friends again, that if I go back that’s it, I’m dead. Never knowing if I could have built something with Mako and knowing that I can’t risk building anything with anyone again. Which is …”

Another drink, and Jadzia continued, “Weird. I’m a Trill, I can handle transience a lot better than this.”

"Well... that's..." Tony pursed his lips as his eyebrows raised up a bit, "That's a lot of transience, though. Though I mean, isn't the first thing and the second thing kind of similar? At least here for a short time you've got that new lease on life. And you never know, some of those guys might show up."

He kind of hoped Worf did show up. Not only for Jadzia's sake, but also because the ship could use another Klingon or two. Worf had been one of his favorites, but he knew better than to say things like that.

“Maybe they will. I kind of feel like the odd-woman out. There’s so many from other ships. Just me from Deep Space Nine.” It hadn’t really bothered her before. And maybe it didn’t really bother her bother her, but it was something she’d noticed and she might as well express it. Better than bottling it up.

“I learned a long time ago not to give sentient emotion or motivation to space phenomenon. But sometimes...”

"... Sometimes it's like. Hey, Space is really actually out to get me. Like it came over to me and said 'Fuck you in particular'." Tony provided, helpfully. It was certainly a thought he'd had, himself. And not just since he'd come here.

"It's hard not to think about it. The motivation part, anyway. No one knows, that's the answer you'll get, but I hate that. I want more answers. Better ones, more concrete ones. Something to point a finger at and then flip off. But I guess it makes more sense to treat all of this scientifically. We can't really say that anything or anyone else - other entities - have the same kind of motivations that we crazy sentient humanoids do."

“Sadly, space isn’t out to get anyone. But there are always answers. I’m just a little afraid they’ll be answers we don’t want to hear.” Jadzia wondered what the next few weeks would bring. Another culling, so to speak. Which was morbid, but true. That’s what it felt like.

“And you know what. We’re both going to get attached to people again, and it’s going to hurt.” She toasted the air, and wobbled.

Tony reached one hand out to steady her, while his other one toasted her with his drink. "Yeah, you're probably right. So I guess we'll just have to invest in more alcohol, right? But maybe not anymore tonight. I think I need to do the gentlemanly thing and walk you back to your room instead."

“We should rig up a site to site transport,” Jadzia suggested. “Maybe when we’re sober.”