InsaneJournal

Leia stared at the new arrivals list, again, on her PADD, her vision going a little blurry, before she set it down heavily, turned the screen blank, and swore under her breath in four different languages. It was one thing to lose her daughter again after finding her and another to have her back again. Along with Ben. Ben. Who wasn't listed on the arrivals information as Ben Organa but as Kylo Ren, which meant Leia wasn't fortunate enough to have him arrive from a time before he had turned.

Pressing a hand to her forehead, Leia breathed in deeply for a moment in an attempt to draw on the Force to relax her. It wasn't working. She didn't know what was going to relax her. She couldn't feel Ben - were his defences up or had she lost him - and she didn't want to chance reaching out or probing deeper in case that was met with resistance or something worse. This was not what she wanted, though at the same time, she wasn't sure what she wanted at all.

She stood up abruptly - Chris was in the 'fresher - and pulled on her jacket. "I'm going back to my quarters," she called out, her tone leaving no room for argument. She was on her way to the door, her PADD left on the table, sweeping her braids up to twist them against her head.

The statement pulled Christopher out of his morning todo list in the fresher and he came into the bedroom, wrapping a towel around his waist as he did. "Leia? What's the matter? I thought we were going to go to breakfast."

She barely turned toward him though inclined her chin slightly. "I'm not hungry," she said as though that was the perfect explanation. "I'll see you tonight." She wouldn't stay away for long; she simply couldn't sit in the mess hall and share breakfast with Chris like they always did when there was the chance that Rey or Ben might walk in. When she needed to prepare for how to talk to them when she saw them again. When she needed to throw something or meditate or both, and she couldn't do that here or with Chris.

"Leia," he said, walking over and putting his hand on her arm. "What happened?" He reached for his PADD and saw the list of arrivals. Ah. "What do you need?"

She stilled for a moment and shook her head. "I just need to be alone while I figure out what I'm going to do," she said, not as stiffly as she spoke previously. Leia turned toward him and forced her mouth into some semblance of a smile. "I'm fine," she said, though she was certainly anything but. She swallowed and stepped away from him. "I'll see you later."

It was a lie, but Chris allowed it. He closed the distance between them, wrapped his arms around her and kissed her forehead. "I'll be here. When you're ready." He cupped her face in his hands, stroking his thumbs over her cheeks. He brushed her lips over hers tenderly. "You know where to find me. I'll check on you after my shift, all right?"

Leia almost pulled away but she didn't. Instead, she let him speak, let him kiss her, and then she nodded and stepped back. "I'll see you later," she repeated, and then turned and swept out of the room, leaving her PADD back on the table behind her. Her stride was long and purposeful as she hurried through the corridor and made her way to a turbolift where she could breathe for a moment before returning to her own quarters.

When she got there, she was relieved to find that Diana was not there. She was glad not to have to explain herself or answer questions or even talk to anyone at all. She felt stunned to her core. Before when Ben was there, they didn't cross paths. He was in and out quickly, much like Vader had been. She'd had more time with Rey though, time to talk to her, get to know her, tell her things that she hadn't yet known. If past experiences were any indication, that conversation was going to have to be had all over again.

But why, Leia wondered as she found the bottle of brandy Chris had given her back on Earth, had they both arrived at the same time? What was she supposed to do about this? How was she supposed to handle it? As she found a glass and opened the bottle, she was horrified to realize that her hands were shaking. More horrified to realize that she didn't know who she was more nervous about, her fallen son or her lost daughter.

Leia poured two fingers' worth of the amber liquid into her glass and then walked over to the window. The blackout screen was drawn, and she pressed her thumb on the pad to open it. She wanted to see the stars, even if they weren't her stars. She stood with the glass in both hands, clutching it near her stomach, and closed her eyes. She let the humming silence of both her room and the Force as she blocked it out, fill her mind.