InsaneJournal

Jaina had enjoyed the time on Earth a great deal. There had been so much to see and she knew that they’d only seen a small portion of it. Hopefully they would have a chance to return unless whatever had caused this worked itself out. Part of her hoped that it didn’t since she didn’t want to lose what she and Poe were finding with one another but she also missed her home. She’d signed up for the pilot training earlier in the day which she was looking forward to. The ships were nothing like what she was used to but Jaina hadn’t yet met a ship she couldn’t fly so she didn’t expect it to be too difficult.

After she’d finished registering, she’d stopped by her quarters and picked up her PADD. While they’d been in San Francisco, she’d purchased a few books about Earth’s history and had them loaded. Now that they were back on the ship and she had some free time, Jaina planned to do some reading. The observation deck was the perfect spot and when she walked in, there was no one there. Finding a chair as close to the view port as possible, she sat down and curled up, switching on her PADD and beginning to read. It wasn’t long before she sensed someone coming in and she looked up to see her mother, or to be precise, her mother’s counterpart. It still surprised her that this woman looked exactly the way Jaina had last seen her mother look but she didn’t feel the same. There were some similarities of course but her Force aura was different and she was having a hard time getting used to it.

“Hi,” she said, “coming to enjoy the view?” She had no idea what to say to her. For that matter she didn’t always know what to say to her mother but they’d gotten closer over the years and they understood one another better. In this case, Jaina was out of her league, she had no idea where to start.

Leia was still trying to figure out what she might like to do to keep busy in this universe. Chris's suggestions were all well and good (except the one where he teasingly suggested she work as his yeoman) but nothing struck her yet. She took a walk to the observation deck, knowing that while the stars weren't her stars, they were still stars. Since the loss of Alderaan, Leia had felt more at home on a ship than anywhere else. Even when they lived on Chandrila, or Hosnian Prime, being on a ship felt better. When she walked in, she new immediately that one of her children from the alternate timeline was there, and she smiled when she saw that it was Jaina.

"The view's better here than it is from my quarters," she admitted. She leaned against the railing near Jaina and glanced over at her. "How are you doing?" she asked.

“It’s hard to beat a view like this one,” Jaina said with a wistful smile. “Although I wish was out there in the middle of it instead of being in here but maybe soon.” She looked up at Leia and considered how to answer her question.There were a lot of things she could say and she wondered if Rey had told her Leia that she’d told the story of her birth to Jaina or that Poe had also spoken to her about it. It was part of the reason that she’d been having a difficult time approaching the mother who was not her mother in this universe.

“I’m okay,” she finally said. “I signed up for pilot training today and I’m looking forward to that. I miss flying, it’s like part of me is just…...not there anymore.” It was a huge part of who she was and she was eager to get it back. “But I did enjoy our time on Earth. Especially Hawaii. It was amazing.” A smile let her face as she spoke of it because the first thing that came to mind was Poe and all that had passed between them. He made Jaina happy and it was a wonderful feeling.

Leia smiled at that. She had never been much of a pilot, though she could manage in a pinch. But she knew what it meant to Han, and she could see that same light in Jaina's eyes. "Hopefully they'll find a spot for you to work on that here, too. I'm sure there's always a need for a good pilot." She watched the smile appear on the young woman's face and arched an eyebrow.

"I noticed you spending a lot of time with Commander Dameron in Hawaii," she said. Truthfully, Leia had been glad to see it. She cared about Poe as she would her own son, for various reasons, and she wanted him to be happy. He had looked as happy to be around Jaina as she seemed to be right now talking about Hawaii. "He's a good man, Jaina."

“I hope so. They seemed happy that I had experience flying an actual spaceship. I’ll have to get used to what they have here but that’s okay. I don’t mind the challenge.” She felt her face grow warm at the mention of Poe’s name but she certainly couldn’t deny what Leia had seen and wouldn’t want to.

“Yes, we started talking flying one night in the lounge and started spending time together when we were in San Francisco. You’re right, he is a good man. I like him a lot.”

Leia's smile widened at both of Jaina's comments. "It doesn't surprise me that you enjoy flying," she said, even if it was true that Ben hadn't enjoyed it. Breha had though, now that she thought about it. "There really is just something about pilots." She rubbed the back of her neck. "I'm glad to hear that. He's one of my best men, with the Resistance. His parents were - are - good friends of mine." Losing Shara was difficult. Pushing Kes away had been Leia's own choice. "Let me know if I need to have any little chats with him though, won't you?" she teased.

“I think Jacen already has that covered,” Jaina said. “Anakin too if he’s even noticed since he’s kind of wrapped up in getting married right now.” When Leia mentioned Poe’s parents, Jaina hesitated. She had no idea what to say or how to bring it up but she knew that she had to, she had to try and understand why this Leia had made a choice that was so very different from the choice that her mother had made when things had gotten hard for them after Chewie’s death. Finally she took a deep breath and dived right in. “I’m not sure if you knew this or not but Rey was one of my roommates before she left. She told me about…..everything, her story, who her parents were. I had barely even had time to catch my breath from getting processed when I met her and it was a lot to take in.” She shifted in her chair and looked intently at Leia. “I’m not judging you, please don’t think that. I just need to understand. Why did you do it? Were things that bad with my dad or rather the Han that you know? Did he know that Rey wasn’t his?”

Leia had wondered when one of them, any of the three kids or even Han, would ask her that question. She had been expecting it sooner than this, though that didn't make it any easier to answer. "I saw that you were roommates. I think Rey was very excited to have a sister. She grew up without anyone …" That was something Leia hated to talk about. Maybe she should have looked harder (not that she hadn't put all of her time and resources into the search after the kidnapping), or maybe she could have protected her more. Would she have been better off with Kes instead of with her in the public eye?

She pressed her lips into a tight line. "Han and I …" Leia started, shaking her head. "We tried to make it work but I had a Republic to rebuild and he just couldn't stay in one place for any length of time. And then when things with Ben - our son - got more difficult, Han spent more and more time away. I don't blame him. We weren't good together when we were together anymore. Some wartime romances just don't work out in times of peace." Could they have made it work? Well, that was a question Leia had asked herself a hundred times over the years. "I guess the only explanation I have is that I was lonely and Kes Dameron was there and we'd both suffered losses, though his was the death of his wife and mine was - a marriage that didn't work out." She looked at Jaina and nodded. "Yes, Han knew Breha wasn't his, but he didn't care. He should have, maybe, but I suspect he wasn't exactly keeping celibate off where he was, racing, gambling, smuggling again - we didn't talk about that."

Jaina put the PADD aside and pulled her knees up into the chair and rested her head on them. She always sat this way when she was trying to process something or when something threatened her. Not that Leia’s words threatened her but they were a shock. The marriage that she described was nothing like the marriage that Jaina had observed her whole life. When she was a child, she hadn’t understood what marriage was but as she’d gotten older, she’d watched and she’d seen and part of her felt sorry for her mother’s counterpart as she talked about her relationship with Poe’s father and with the Han from her world.

When Leia had finished speaking, Jaina took a deep breath. She was going to be honest and there was a good chance that her words might not be well received but she knew she had to say them. “My parents didn’t get married right after the war ended,” she began. “They waited for a while and part of that was because my mom was Head of State and pretty much married to her job. Their courtship was unconventional to say the least. It took a proposal from the prince of another planet who wanted to marry her for political reasons to make Dad see that he’d waited long enough and they got married. It was a few years before they had me and Jacen because Mom was afraid of passing on our grandfather’s bloodline.” Jaina paused for a moment, remembering the story she’d heard many times. “But that same bloodline also came from my grandmother and she realized that it worth the chance. So that’s how me and Jacen came to be and then a year and a half later, Anakin was born.” She shifted slightly and took a deep breath. “I’m not saying their marriage was perfect because it wasn’t. They had some big fights but that’s not a surprise given their personalities and after Chewie died, Dad kind of went off the rails. He shut himself off from all of us, including Mom. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen and we were in the middle of a war too. But they stuck it out, even when they were living separate lives on the same planet, they never gave up hoping. She never stopped loving him and he didn’t stop loving her. They finally worked things out and they still have their moments but they have a good marriage despite that. Hearing that your Han Solo just did what he wanted, that he didn’t care that you had another man’s child…..that’s not my dad. You having another man’s child…..that’s not my mom. It’s hard to wrap my head around it. Like I said, I’m not judging you, I don’t even exist in your world and I want to know you but it might take me a little while to really open up. Anakin, well he’s all about family and it’s not that I feel differently it’s just that I’m a little more cautious. I saw the other half of me nearly fall to the Dark Side and that scared the hell out of me because who’s to say that I wasn’t going to? Anyway that’s what I wanted to say and if I made you angry I apologize but I couldn’t keep it in.”

It might have been different if Leia and Han had waited to get married but they had Ben and that pushed everything to a different timeline. She listened as Jaina spoke. She wasn't angry, not really. Maybe just sad that it didn't work out that way at all. Her chest tightened and she looked away from Jaina and shook her head. "I'm not your mother, Jaina. I don't have a daughter like you. I don't have a son like your brothers. And your father, here, this Han - he's who I thought my husband would be one day but we don't ever end up how we think we will." She folded her hands against herself and sighed.

"It's hard," Leia said after a long moment. She purposefully didn't look at the young woman, for many reasons but mostly because she saw herself in Jaina, herself and Han. And Breha. And her mother. And - "To see what could have been, in many ways, by being here."

She had been so busy concentrating on how this affected her without thinking that it was equally hard for Leia. Jaina shifted, putting her feet on the ground and reaching out to rest her hand on Leia’s. “I’m sorry. I hadn’t considered that this is just as hard for you as it for the rest of us. Even in my own time, things aren’t the way they once were. Dad, the one that’s here, he comes from a different spot in time. Anakin was killed on a mission in the war with the Yuuzhan Vong so seeing him alive, seeing us grown up, that’s been a shock to him. I don’t know what happened to make things change but I’m glad that I didn’t have to know a time without both my brothers.” Even though they’d nearly lost Jacen to the Dark Side. “I didn’t meet your son when he was here, I only know what I’ve learned from Poe and Rey but I’m sorry you had to go through that. Jacen nearly fell but we brought him back. I’ve seen a bit of the Dark Side myself and it’s not a place I ever want to see again.” she shivered just at the thought of it.

Moving her hand, she sat back in the chair. “I think we all have a lot to learn about each other. There’s a lot of darkness in our family but there’s a lot of light too. I’d know I’m not Rey…” she took a deep breath. “But I think we might just be good for each other. I know it won’t happen overnight but I’d like to try.”

Hearing Jaina speak of brushes with the Dark side even in her timeline made Leia shudder. Wasn't that the exact reason she never wanted to have kids in the first place? If she and Han had been more careful - She looked at Jaina. "I hope I never gave you the impression that I don't want to know you," she said carefully. Yes, it hadn't been smooth and Leia hadn't precisely made every effort possible, but that didn't mean she wasn't interested in knowing Jaina and her brothers.

“I’ll be completely honest with you,” Jaina replied. “I wasn’t sure you did. It wasn’t anything you said or did, it was more….well I could sense that you didn’t really know how to handle us. And I don’t blame you. Meeting three kids that you didn’t even know existed out there, that’s a lot. I wasn’t sure what to do either especially with Rey being here. The two of you had a lot of stuff to figure out, you didn’t need any more complications.”

"Well, there aren't any complications any more," Leia said with a smile even though she ached for having lost Breha again and even Ben, though she had avoided him the entire time. "I don't know how to handle the three of you but that doesn't mean we can't all get to know one another better."

“Sometimes the three of us don’t know how to handle each other,” she said with a grin. “But we love each other so that helps and yes, I would like for us to get to know each other better. I can’t speak for my brothers but I imagine they feel the same way.” She knew Anakin did and most likely Jacen did as well but the two of them had their own things to work through so they hadn’t discussed the other timeline version of their mother. “I’m really glad we ran into each other,” she said, picking up her PADD. “I’m heading to my quarters now since I start training in the morning but maybe we could have dinner tomorrow night?”

Leia smiled. "I'd love to have dinner tomorrow night," she said. "That sounds good. I'm usually in the mess hall around 1900 but if that's too late for you, I can get in there earlier."

“No, that’s perfect. I’ll have time to change and stuff,” Jaina stood up. “I’ll see you tomorrow night then.” and with a smile, she waved goodbye and returned to her quarters.