InsaneJournal

She was nervous, there was no denying it and she knew there would be no hiding it from him so she wasn’t even trying. Daisy didn’t know if this was a good idea or not but she had to speak to him and try to make up for the things she’d done. It wouldn’t undo them but at least she could try and repair some of the damage she’d done. This could be a second chance, though if he chose not to allow her the chance she wouldn’t blame him. She didn’t think she’d be able to do that if someone had done to her what she’d done to him.

Daisy knew that Coulson and Jemma weren’t entirely happy with her idea but it was her decision to make. The memories of the framework and the Ward she’d met in there were still fresh and raw. It was because of those that she had this strong desire to try and make things right. Maybe they couldn’t be made right, maybe there was too much water under the bridge but she had to try. She fully expected him to throw this in her face, turn it around and say she was only doing this to make herself feel better. The truth was that it was partly to make herself feel better so if he threw that at her she wouldn’t argue.

At least they were on neutral ground. Neither of them knew enough about this future version of earth to have the upper hand though she fully anticipated him having cased the meeting place out beforehand. The plaza was busy, even though it was starting to get later in the day there were plenty of people still around. It was still easy to spot him, she suspected that was on purpose because he could easily blend if he wanted to.

She approached with caution, not because she feared attack but because she didn’t know how she was going to tell him everything she wanted to. Some of the things she had to say were so out there she wouldn’t blame him for laughing in her face. She had to try though, she owed it to herself and to him to try. She just hoped it wouldn’t be too little too late.

As she got nearer she saw him turn towards her. A brief flicker of something close to a smile passed over her features but it was gone as fast as it appeared. Part of her wanted to run, a very big part of her but she had to do this. It was now or never. “Hi,” Daisy said as she stopped a couple of feet in front of him. “Thank you for doing this.”

He was on edge. He didn’t have a gun or anything but he’d scoped the place, found at least three ways he could attack and two exit points. If he needed them. He hoped he wouldn’t but then who knew. There was a lot about her it seemed he didn’t know. He’d done his research after all, shorter hair, toned body. Power behind her he’d always seen but now it seemed she’d found a confidence she’d never had. He supposed May was responsible for helping her find herself...whoever herself was.

“Daisy Johnson.” he said simply. “I guess that's who you really are. Daisy Johnson, it’s nice. I mean, it’s gonna be hard to get used to, since you didn’t correct me every time I called you Skye but...ramblings of a dead guy, who cares, right?”

He’d taken it badly. He’d heard it from Coulson of all people. The man who had called him deluded. Said he would never be a part of the team again. Shut him out, when all he’d wanted was help, was someone to reach out and maybe save him from himself. He knew what he was, he knew he was the villain of his story. The monster in the basement. They’d been willing to give him to Christian but it wasn’t until Skye had shot him that he’d truly given up. Which was why the little smile she shot him was more unnerving than anything else.

“You didn’t just come here to say hi, Daisy” he said coldly. “Tell me what you wanted to tell me, say you’re sorry and I’ll try to work out how good a liar they made you.”

It was clear to see the tension in him, she knew it was only because he wasn’t hiding it because as good as she’d gotten at this stuff he was still better at it all than she ever would be. She found herself wondering just when he’d started getting good at hiding everything, it was probably when he was still a child and that thought filled her with even more regret at her own actions. She’d changed a lot in the time she’d known him, the world had made her colder, harder and the girl she’d once been never would have treated him the way she had.

“It’s what my parents named me,” she said in response. “It seemed fitting to use it, after I lost them both again. I’m sure you’ll adjust, the team did. I didn’t correct you because it didn’t really seem to be the thing to focus on at the time.”

She knew he had heard all about what had happened from Coulson. She was still shocked that Coulson had just out and told him everything like that. She hadn’t wanted to just dump it all on him but apparently not everyone shared that thought. But she also knew that Ward would never agree to meet Coulson like this, she was still a little surprised he’d agreed to meet her. Especially given the point in time he seemed to have been pulled from. A wave of nausea rose up as she remembered exactly what she’d done to him, how she’d shot him and left him to bleed out after he’d actually helped free her from Whitehall. The fact he was the one that had taken her there in the first place didn’t exactly seem relevant anymore.

“You’re right, I didn’t,” she said, looking down from his face, unable to see that cold look in his eyes directed at her. “There’s a lot, we should probably find somewhere to sit down. And you might want a drink for some of it.”

He was dead back there and it seemed it still hadn’t been enough. In some ways he wasn’t sorry. Maybe death was easier. Maybe death was finally quiet. He couldn’t imagine how much worse his life could get. So he’d died and she’d moved on. Daisy Johnson probably had found happiness, or some measure of it anyway. She didn’t look happy.

“Fair enough. Should have told me, save me calling you the name you no longer want.”

He’d remember now he knew. He didn’t make mistakes. He didn’t slip up. Besides now he saw her, she didn’t look like Skye. She barely sounded like her anymore, it made it easier. He was more than happy to sit. He was very aware of their surroundings. And he was very aware of how dangerous this woman was. Simple answer to the statement it was. “No. Do you honestly think I’m going to drink around you?”

Maybe she wasn’t the spy he thought she was. Rookie mistake. Or she was just being cocky.

“So...you were saying sorry?” he said meeting her gaze.

Despite her most recent memories it wasn’t exactly easy to be here. The last time she had seen his face it had been when Hive had been using his body, a time she’d much rather forget but was unable to. She’d moved on with her life but she was far from happy, she didn’t think she was ever actually going to be happy.

“It didn’t seem important and I never said I didn’t want the name, I just chose to honor my parents, there’s a difference.”

It stung, his words cut her deeply but then she supposed that was the point. The truth was she wasn’t Skye anymore, hadn’t been for a really long time and there was no going back. As much as she longed to be that girl again she was gone. They both knew it. She followed his lead and sat down, she’d made a scan of the area as she’d approached and she was confident enough that she could escape if she needed to. “I meant it when I said I wouldn’t hurt you but suit yourself.”

Daisy wished she was drunk for this, it might make it a little easier to get through but then it would also make her emotions harder to keep under control.

“I was going to explain everything, saying sorry isn’t enough. The things I did… sorry is never going to make up for them and you’re never going to accept my apology so why waste our time with that?” She said, glancing at him but not fully meeting his eyes, she couldn’t bring herself to meet his gaze properly.

“I will accept it if you make me believe it. And you can’t do that in one day. So yes, we won’t bother with that right now”

She could barely look at him. And maybe she shouldn’t. He’d spent so long feeling like nothing because of her, he’d given her his heart and yes, he’d broken hers, but he’d practically begged for their help. “I’m not a good man. I told you that before you even knew the truth. I hurt you, all of you. And I was sorry for it. I saw...when John was gone, it took time, but I started to see what he’d done to me and I felt a clarity that...I hadn’t before.”

He hadn’t expected forgiveness. But he had expected...humanity. When they’d tried to give him to Christian it had broken his heart. That she had gone along with it. He wasn’t the innocent in this and he would never suggest he was. But he’d needed them to...treat him like a person. And it seemed instead he’d wound up dead.

“Was it quick? I mean, how he did it. Or did he draw it out like John would have done?”

“I’m not here to make you believe anything. I just want to tell you the truth and you can make up your own mind. If you never want to talk to me again after this I’ll respect that.”

She couldn’t look at him because she was honestly ashamed of what she’d done to him. He’d never once hurt her physically, he’d broken her heart and she’d done the same back and so much worse. The next words out of his mouth were like a knife to her heart because she knew that wasn’t true, there was still good in him. “I know you were sorry for it. I just couldn’t see it, the pain was still too fresh and I couldn’t see past it. It doesn’t excuse what I did. I’m not making excuses but I was blinded by it that I just didn’t see what was right in front of me.”

If she’d have seen past her own pain she would have seen he needed help. She would have seen the way they were treating him was a crime against humanity but she hadn’t. She’d actively helped in what was done to him, even played a part in sending him back to his brother. She felt sick for her part in it now, she’d played a massive part in his downfall and she hated herself for it.

“I don’t know, I wasn’t there. It happened on another planet. If you want to know how it happened you’d have to ask him.”

“I’ll decide that for myself. Based on today. Because I'm not like you. I’m willing to take sorry and see where it goes. Because I know people make mistakes, try to turn things around, try to make people see it. It’s why you don’t need to say it again. You need to show me. Like I tried to do with you. Show me you’re willing to try.”

He knew she was blinded by her pain and her hate and as much as he’d caused that, he knew it was Melinda May that had shaped it. Taught her how to use it like a weapon and called it good. He knew how May thought. And he could see that in Daisy.

“So...an alien planet. I should ask how I got there but honestly, I don’t care. I don’t have long if I’m sent home, so whatever I do, it doesn’t matter. This is the only life I have and I’d very much like if you and your team didn’t screw it up for me.”

He was trying to be less angry. But that...it was harder for him than most. He wasn’t May. He couldn’t push down anger and make it a weapon. Anger bubbled under the surface constantly threatening to boil over and he had Asgard to thank for it. He wasn’t innocent in any of this but neither were any of them. And it seemed at least Daisy knew it.

“Of course… and if I could go back and change all of that I would. I’d do things differently. I was always willing to give people another chance but with you… you knew how hard it was for me to trust and when it happened it was just too much. What I did was wrong but I didn’t know how to handle it so I handled it badly. I can’t undo what I did but I do want to try and make things better.”

The truth was she’d never really hated him, she’d wanted to, it would have been so much easier if that’s what she’d felt but it was so much more complex than that. Even now she didn’t really know how to categorize what she’d felt at the time.

“If you want to know I can tell you but it doesn’t matter now, it’s happened or it has for us. I don’t know. I’m not going to do anything to mess this up for you. If you tell me you just want to live your life and not cause trouble I’ll believe you.”

She could feel his anger, it was buzzing under his skin and she could sense it. It was unlike anything she’d ever felt before. She honestly didn’t know how he wasn’t raging but then he’d always been good at hiding how he felt. Maybe if he hadn’t been so good at it things would have gone differently.

“Right, right, I remember. Everyone gets second chances. No one is beyond help. Except me.”

It was bitter. She’d hear that in his voice. But he couldn’t help it. He’d cried out for their help and gotten nothing in return and it had ended in his death.

“I don’t want to know. I’m sure Coulson will fill in any details I don’t ask him to.” he said coldly. In some ways he was glad to know he died and there was an end to the mess that was his life. He couldn’t hurt anyone else if he was dead. But he didn’t need to know the minutia.

It would just make the anger so much worse. Darker and deeper. And maybe he couldn’t stop it.

“You made mistakes. I made mistakes. You let yourself get taken in by someone you thought had your best interests at heart but who turned you into something you never imagined you could be. I get that. So I accept your apology. Now prove you mean it beyond just the words.”

“Okay… I deserve that,” she said softly, dropping her head even more. His words were aimed to hurt and they did.

It was impossible not to hear the bitter edge in his voice. She didn’t blame him, she’d be bitter too. He’d needed help and instead he’d gotten cruelty and further pain.

“If you don’t want him to just tell him or I’ll tell him,” she said, her gaze on her hands in her lap. She wouldn’t tell him about what had happened after, she got the feeling it would only make things worse. She didn’t want to make things worse, this was about making them better.

She’d expected him to be angry but it was so much more than that, she was starting to regret doing this.

“I came here to explain but we seem to have gone a little off that track so I don’t know. I don’t know if you want me to explain why it is I know realize how wrong what I did was. You want me to prove it but honestly I don’t know how. If I could go back and undo it all I would, if you want me to give you space I will. Whatever you want me to do I’ll do.”

He couldn’t stop it. That burning fire that had always had a hold on him, Made worse over the past few years, that said, he’d never hurt her. Not ever. In spite of everything that had gone between them.

“...I do. I want you to explain. Tell me why you think different now and why it took till I was dead for you to realise I was trying. And as for proving it, you can prove it day by day. You can show me you’re not going to make my life here worse day by day.

He took a moment trying to calm himself. He needed to focus.

“That’s all I want here Daisy”

She wasn’t scared by the anger she could practically feel rolling off him. Despite everything she knew he’d never hurt her, not physically. It was something she was sure of, something she just knew with almost absolute certainty.

“I… we ended up in some artificially created alternative reality of our world. The why and how isn’t really important but there was a version of you there. He… he was exactly like you except he wasn’t recruited by Garrett, wasn’t made into… he got recruited by someone else and got help. He was a good man, a really good man and he loved me. He helped me even when he realized I wasn’t his Skye. He was so in love with her that he risked his life for her, to protect her. The only thing that was different about him was who had recruited him. It was only when I met him that I truly understood you. I get it now, I know you did what you did because you couldn’t do anything else. Because of him I know there’s still good in you, that good I saw in you is there, it’s just buried. We buried it deep and I’m so sorry for my part in that,” she told him, glancing up at him slightly to try and gauge his reaction to what she’d said.

She wouldn’t blame him for not taking it well.

“I promise I won’t do anything to make your life worse. If you want me to leave you alone I will. I’ll do whatever you want. Whatever it takes to make things right because what I did was not right. It makes me sick, I hate it, all of it.”

Not recruited by Garrett.

“That’s...I mean, I can’t imagine the kind of person I’d be without John’s influence but I...It's who I wanted to be for you. It’s who I saw when I looked at you but I...I guess there isn’t a version of me that didn’t love you”

He hadn’t meant to say it. And even suggesting it felt wrong, complicated and confusing. He’d accepted that she hated him. He’d focused himself on helping Kara. On finding a way to restore her to herself. That was the focus. Skye...Daisy, was a path not travelled. She’d made that very clear.

“All I ever wanted was to be the man you thought I could be. I thought...I thought if I kept my promise to you, found your parents then it would be okay again, that maybe you wouldn’t look at me like you did. Even when you all tried to give me to Christian, I thought I could make you see. Even just you I…”

He tensed again.

“This isn’t getting us anywhere. You know what I want from you. I’m not saying leave me alone. I just need to figure out what being here means. I need to make this my home because I don’t have one to go back to like you do.”

She gave him a sad smile.

“That person… it was who I thought you were when I got to know you. I think that’s what made it so much harder for me. I spent time with him and… it brought up a lot,” she said, pausing for a moment. “I guess there isn’t,” she added softly.

She looked down again, not sure what to do with what he’d just said. She knew he thought she hated him but it wasn’t that straightforward, if she hated him she wouldn’t care about making things right. She really didn’t know how she felt about him, she couldn’t figure it out, especially with what she’d realized in the framework.

“I wasn’t ready, for any of that. For you to be the man I thought you were, to meet my parents. Everything changed too quickly and I was still reeling from losing… from losing what I’d wanted for so long.” She was quiet for a few seconds, trying not to let the nausea get the best of her. “I never should have let him do that.”

She glanced back up, trying to figure out what he was thinking.

“You’re right, it’s not. I’m sorry, I thought this would be easier but I can barely think straight and I don’t want to make things worse. I’ll give you space though, if you want it. I won’t do anything to ruin this for you. I won’t tell anyone anything about what happened back home, that’s your story to tell. And if there’s anything I can do to help you figure things out here just ask. I’ll do what I can to help.”

“We both did things, made choices that led us here. I don’t know if I need space. I don’t know what it takes” He knew she wouldn’t tell anyone. Or he hoped she wouldn’t. And that was something important. That he supposed was a start.

“I was never that man. I...wished I was. I wished so hard that I was but it was never gonna happen. I guess there just wasn’t enough good left in me.” he mused. It was going to be hard, for both of them. It was going to take time but he was willing to try if she would.

“We go from here. We’re going to be living on a damn spaceship. It’s ridiculous. But it’s new. It's what we have to work with so...we do that. I don’t know how it’ll go with Coulson or Simmons. Maybe I need to talk to them too. But you came to me, you admitted you made mistakes. It means a lot.”

“The things I did… I hate them, they weren’t me but I can’t undo them. When you figure out what you need let me know and I’ll make it happen.” She wanted to fix things, if they even could be fixed. She wouldn’t do anything to hurt him here.

“I think you’re wrong, I think there’s plenty of good left in you but you refuse to see it. I want to help you realize that you can be that man, you have the capacity to be that man.” Daisy could feel tears welling in her eyes, it hurt more than it had any right to but then things always hurt when it came to them.

“Okay, one day at a time? I don’t know how things will go with them either, I don’t know if talking to them is a good idea or not. But if you do… if you want to I’ll come along, be a buffer or whatever. I want to make up for those mistakes, I just don’t know how. I… I was awful to you. I’m sorry it took so long for me to realize the truth, to see that you just needed someone’s help.”

“I’m not him. The version of me you met. So don’t assume that good is there just because you want it to be. If it ever was, it’s gone now.”

He wanted it to be otherwise. He really did. He was going to help Kara but that wasn’t good in the way he wanted it to be. He’d wanted to be someone the team could learn to one day forgive. But he’d recently found out it just wasn’t possible. And so he didn’t know what she could do to fix any of this but give him time.

As for the others.

“I’m not ready for that yet. To talk to them, if that changes then I will let you know. I don’t know if you really could be a buffer to something like that but like I said, we’ll see.”

It was getting too hard, to focus on any of this.

“We’re done. For now at least.” he said after a pause. “But we’ll talk again.” he said getting to his feet and grabbing his jacket from the seat.

“You could be. I don’t assume anything but I believe there is good in you, I did before and I do now. I don’t think it’s gone. Maybe you think it is but I don’t think it is.”

She believed it now, like she had before, maybe not with the same conviction but she knew there was good in him. She’d been blind to it or rather she’d blinded herself to it when he’d tried to help them. She understood him and while forgiveness might take time it wasn’t out of the realms of possibility. She’d do whatever she could to show him that.

She just didn’t think the others would be so willing to give him a chance.

“Whenever you’re ready. And if you want me there I’ll be there. I might not be able to be a buffer but at least there’d be one person who didn’t want to hurt you there.”

She couldn’t keep the tears back any longer, they slipped down her cheeks as she kept her eyes on her own hands.

“Okay, I’ll let you decide when, I mean it when I say it’s up to you,” she said, glancing up as she saw him move out of the corner of her eye. “Try and enjoy the shore leave.”

He wanted this to work. Wanted to be able to be someone other than the mess he’d been at home. He couldn’t entirely trust her to be a buffer with Coulson and Simmons had her reasons to hate him and by all accounts it had only gotten worse over time. He’d become worse…

“I’ll think about it. About talking to them. And we...we can talk again Daisy. Just give me some time to work things out. Just give me time.”

This other him, a him who’d never dealt with Garrett. Who hadn’t spent all that time being made into something he’d thought was better. Thought was stronger but he’d realised after the man died that was furthest from the truth. They should have let him die. Saved everyone a lot of heartache.

“...I was wrong about one thing...Skye’s not dead. I saw a flash of her today. Giving me this...I just wish…” he sighed. “Well you know what I wish.”

He took a breath, meeting her gaze before turning to walk away. He’d try to enjoy this future earth. And the Enterprise. It was odd that it didn’t even phase him. Seeing her had thrown him more than being on the spaceship ever could.