InsaneJournal

It was some miracle that Yang hadn’t actually broken her leg on the ski slopes. She’d spent most of the day showing off. It was another miracle that she hadn’t created some kind of avalanche just from sheer power of being Yang.

“The view out this window is amazing.” Yang put a mug down in front of Blake, then settled down close enough next to her for easy snuggles. “Did you know chocolate is better than therapy? You don’t even need an appointment.” She took a sip of her own hot chocolate, before putting it on the table and putting her arm around Blake.

It was so easy and casual and natural that she wish she’d been able to do it a long time ago. Assuming Blake was okay with it. Her arm was three quarters of the way around Blake when she froze and looked at her. “Uh…”

To Blake, it was honestly nice enough just to get out and be active again, especially after the time she'd spent cooped up in a hallway. Not that Kitty's company hadn't been nice. But Blake desperately needed to be outside. And surprisingly, she'd taken to skiing extremely well for being someone wasn't the biggest fan of snow.

Now they were holed up in a nice cabin after an exhausting day out in the cold, and Blake was definitely looking forward to the snuggles. And hot cocoa. Though she preferred tea, hot cocoa was definitely preferable in this environment. She picked up her mug of cocoa and went to take a sip, before noticing that Yang was in some kind of holding pattern.

She glanced at Yang, then down at Yang's arm. "Is this some variation of the 'manner hand'?"

“Uh,” Yang repeated in all her eloquence, before letting her arm rest around Blake entirely. “I didn’t want to, you know, assume anything.” She was being polite that was what gentle-ladies did wasn’t it? Be polite and awkward and sexually frustrated, which was what most of those steamy books of Blake were about that Yang had sneaky-read.

"We're going out, aren't we?" Blake asked, sounding just slightly amused. "It's nice of you not to assume, but uhm... you can assume a little bit." She took a long sip of her cocoa, deciding it was a little too sweet for her, but also that she'd drink it anyway. Yang had gotten it for her, and she didn't want her to feel bad.

“I’m still really new to this kinda thing,” Yang admitted. She leaned her head on Blake’s shoulder and squeezed her arm. “Honestly it feels like I’m dreaming. I’ll wake up on the ship I was taking to Mystral or something and still not know where you are or anything.”

"That could happen to any of us, at any time," Blake replied, with a sigh. It was true, though she realised it was also a moment killer. That made her sigh even more deeply. "Sorry. I probably shouldn't say things like that."

She wondered, though, as she sipped at her cocoa again. "Do you think the people that get sent back remember anything? Maybe you'll remember that we had this when you wake up on the boat to Mystral. I'll wake up on the way to Haven and remember. Then we can skip the making up part again and get back to work."

“No, it’s... Okay.” Yang moved her head so she could look at Blake as best she could without actually breaking contact. It would also make it harder to give into silly urges like kissing. Yang didn’t want to rush Blake into anything.

“I’m not going to worry about that. We’ve got a break, and we can still help people here. That’s what matters.” She lifted her hand into Blake’s hair, and rubbed her ear.

"I had a talk with Miss Carter before we came here," Blake mewled, because there were hands on her ears and that was always amazing and comforting. Possibly even nap inducing after the day they'd had. "I want to study some things, maybe even do part time work somewhere. We talked about options."

There wasn't anything conclusive yet. She'd decided to wait until after their shore leave to come back and make any real life choices. "There's so much more we can do to help people here than just fight. I know that we both enjoy fighting, but it's nice to get the chance to widen our horizons a bit. While we're here, you're right. We should enjoy it."

“I should do that,” Yang admitted. She wasn’t sure exactly what she wanted to do, but she’d figure it out. She wished she was good at that as Blake was. She hadn’t even thought much about it.

She lifted her head, and nosed Blake’s human ear. Blake smelled good, and had been on Yang’s mind for a long time now, super duper on her mind. Luckily, all the new people had helped distract her. But there was no one to help her here. Her lips brushed against the cartilage near Blake’s upper earlobe. “What are you thinking?”

Blake purred. It was hard to carry on any kind of serious conversation if Yang was going to keep nuzzling at her like that. She leaned into it a bit as she tried to remember what it was they were even talking about. "Uhm... some kind of, tour. Where you learn a bit about every place you could go before you do the training.”

“That way you have a better idea what area might fit you more, or what you're interested in. And maybe picking up part time shifts at the bar or mess hall. Something low stress that wouldn't interfere with training hours." She’d thought of trying for Security at first but Kate had really convinced her to spread her wings before landing on the obvious choice.

“Okay,” Yang replied. She was having a hard time thinking about anything but how close Blake was and how good she smelled and how badly she wanted to taste her. BUt this was an important and serious conversation and she should pay more attention to it. “That’s a really good idea. Like rotate through each section, see if anything clicks. I kind of want to try botany too.”

"Botany? Really?" Blake actually pulled her ear away from Yang to give her a look. "I just... plants? Don't they require a more delicate touch?"

“...I have a delicate touch,” Yang protested. She ran her hand down the side of Blake’s neck to demonstrate.

Blake shivered at the touch, but not necessarily in a bad way. Everything about this was new and terrifying, and there were still times when she wasn't sure what to think. Now thy were here in a cozy, romantic ski lodge with hot cocoa and a couple's sofa, a beautiful view, and one single bed to share.

She was nervous. "I was kind of scared you didn't, but you're proving me wrong."

Yang searched Blake's eyes, then turned her head a little before her gaze got too intense. She didn't want to freak Blake out, but now they were here and she was struggling to contain her feelings.

"Yeah... I guess I can be kind of scary and I know I have a temper. But I've gotten a lot better about that. And I'd never, ever hurt you."

"It's not about that, not directly." Blake said, shaking her head. "It's just... you're all about the punching and the yelling and the kicking and... Now I sound like I think you're one-sided. I know you aren't. You're more than just that, and there's a lot about that that I really love. But you're also... you. Delicate isn't always your thing. And it makes me nervous."

“What, I’m gonna go like a wrecking ball through your heart?”

"No!" Blake set her hot cocoa down on the table and got up from her seat. It wasn't running away from Yang, it was a tactical retreat from her chair. That was all.

She paced a bit closer to the window, her ears twitching back and forth agitatedly, and then finally blurted, "I'm scared you're going to be too rough and make my mind end up somewhere else!"

Yang blinked twice, then carefully unlatched her arm, and set it on the table before she got to her feet. “I’d never hurt you, Blake.”

Gently, slowly and cautiously, Yang touched Blake’s cheek. “I’m afraid too. Not just accidentally hurting you because I’m enthusiastic. But also afraid of treating you like you’re some … fragile piece of glass. You’re stronger than that.”

She chewed on her lip, “I’m not going to be rough unless you like, want me to be. I don’t exactly know what I’m doing with any of this either. But maybe we can… just … I mean we haven’t even…” Kissed. The word she was looking for was kissed. Honestly they should work through that before doing anything more.

And god did Yang want to explore every inch of Blake’s body. “You’re in charge. When we do it. If you want to do it. You touch me as much as you want and you tell me how you want me to touch you. But it doesn’t have to be tonight.”

"But I feel like a fragile piece of glass," Blake argued, closing her eyes. She wasn't scared of Yang's touch, not directly, but she still was. Yang was telling her everything she actually needed to hear, but she was still trembling. "Yang, I'm so scared, all the time. Sometimes I manage to look like I'm not, and some days I think... I'm going to be okay, I can do this. We left every terrifying thing behind us. But then it all just comes back again."

She lowered her voice and leaned in, resting her head against Yang, "I wanted it to be tonight. It seems like the perfect moment, doesn't it? But I don't know what I'm doing. I've barely been with Adam in that way, and never with a girl. What if I'm bad at it? What if I don't... actually like it?"

And then there was the scar left over by Adam's sword. She'd taken care to cover it up from view, but what if Yang saw it and reacted strangely? What if she reacted strangely?

It was something that Yang had maybe not anticipated, but had thought about. Blake was the flightly sort and every time she'd thought they might kiss it hadn't happened. Yang had wondered if she was doing something wrong, or if there was something wrong with her. She maybe should have expected that things wouldn't be easy but it kind of hurt.

"A perfect moment can just be us holding each other," she said. Yang couldn't lie to herself and say she wasn't disappointed, or frustrated. But Blake was more important than just about anything. Yang didn't want to push her but she also didn't want to just roll over and not challenge Blake when she thought Blake needed to be challenged. And all without backsliding herself.

It was a balancing act. "But neither of us knows what we're doing and I don't know if we'll know what we like without trying things."

Yang just had no idea how to tell if Blake was ready, except it was clearly not tonight. This was so not the romantic moment with sweeping music and intense kissing that she'd hoped for.

"I'm not saying I don't want to try, I just..." Blake trailed off and hugged herself with her arms. "I didn't want to feel pressured, I guess. You weren't pressuring me, except that I feel like you're this... coiled up spring that any second is going to be ready to snap. And I'm not like that. It's a little overwhelming. But I want to be near you, I want to be close. I think I just want to see where it goes without worrying."

Adam had been pressuring about just about everything in her life until she'd left him. Yang wasn't like that, and Blake constantly had to walk that fine line between knowing when she was actually being threatened by something and knowing when her fears were all based on the shadow of someone else. "I want us to be okay, I don't know how to get past this shadow he left behind. But it’s not really you that I’m afraid of."

“I don’t know how to make you not worry. I know you probably expected more yelling. And less… intensity.” Yang didn’t think anything she said would make a difference, not when it was this kind of thing going through someone’s head. She knew better than most that people had to come to terms on their own. She pulled back from Blake, giving her some space and honestly giving herself some space. There was this cold fear in the center of her chest that Blake would run again and if that happened, then there might actually be that yelling.

Yang didn’t know which thought was worse. Blake running, or Blake staying but their relationship being ruined. “We’ll just have to work … at this. I’ll try to dial it down a little. I just… we got this second chance and I guess I kind of boiled over.”

Her voice cracked, just a little. “Just…please don’t run from this, Blake.”

This seemed like an incredibly emotionally charged moment, the time that Yang would bust out some kind of pun to break the tension. In truth, Blake wasn't even sure where their talk had gone wrong, but it suddenly felt like it had fallen off a cliff somewhere. Because from the sound of it, Yang was scared they were breaking up.

She blinked her eyes a few times, and then said, "What do you think we're talking about because I'm just talking about sex."

“What.” Yang blinked her eyes, her expression shifting between a variety of confused faces. “I was… kind of talking about that too but I was afraid that you’d like...wanna take off if I got like too pressy or something and I didn’t want to be too much. And then I started worrying about other stuff and it kinda went off from there.”

She ran her hand through her hair. “I’m really into you, I just can’t hide it as easily as I used to and I just want to be sure you know that that’s not … the reason. That we’re together. I like you for you.”

"It just felt like we were having some kind of dramatic breakup moment for a second there." Blake's ears were changing position as quickly as her emotions were, and everything felt like a roller coaster. She held out both of her hands in front of her, "So let's just, stop the world for a moment. I mean... I'm not okay. Is I think what I was saying. I can't pretend to be okay, and I think I was worried that you... wouldn't like me if I wasn't okay?"

"But I want us to be okay, we can work on that. It's just a lot of stupid stuff going around in circles in my head. And I'm not going anywhere."

“Blake, I still like you. And I know you’re not okay.” Yang’s laugh was soft and a little self-deprecating. “I feel like we should have had this talk already but we’ve both been scared to.”

"We probably should have." Blake said, nodding her head in agreement. “I’m sorry… I kind of ruined the mood. But now that it’s all out there I feel better?”

Yang had put some distance between them, and now Blake thought that she was too far away. So she crept over to her and flopped against her, just like a cat would. "Why don't we cuddle and just see where it goes? We might be awful at this to start out with, but you're right. We won't get any better if we don't try."

Yang put her arms around Blake, hugging her tightly. She really, really wanted to kiss her, and even pouted a little, but instead nuzzled Blake’s cheek with her own. “Just you know… I might need a signal, if I’m doing something wrong and not noticing.”

"Well... if we go somewhere that I'm not comfortable, I'll just have to say so." Blake decided, nuzzling up against Yang. "And trust that you won't mind. And you'll have to trust that if I'm not okay with something, I'll speak up about it instead of bottling it up."

“Okay,” Yang said. She stroked Blake’s hair, then pressed a kiss to the corner of her lips. Her and cold showers would probably become good friends for awhile. But anything for Blake. Anything.