InsaneJournal

He'd been here nearly a month, and Bucky still didn't know what to make of it. He'd already seen more of the future than he ever thought he would, and then found himself even further, without any explanation that made real sense of how he got there. They'd used big fancy words, talking of time travel and stuff like that- hell, Carter was here, and the last he'd heard, she was in a nursing home somewhere, not looking like the fuzzy memories he had of brown curls and a red dress. He still wasn't convinced that this wasn't some elaborate set up by HYDRA or some other agency, but so far he had to admit that whoever had done this was good, had nearly lulled him into some false sense of security.

Still, Bucky preferred to avoid as many of the others as he could- he still didn't completely trust himself. He'd only barely managed to hold it together on arrival. So he'd taken full advantage of the 24-hour dining hall- he knew they preferred everyone to keep to the scheduled meal hours, but he'd found that it was too many people. He was just coming back from a late meal, trying to decide what to do next when he rounded a corner, right into what felt like a brick wall.

"Oomph-" Bucky couldn't remember the last time he ran into a person and was nearly knocked on his ass himself, but then he looked up, right into a very familiar face.

Bucky wondered if maybe Steve wouldn't recognize him. Maybe if Bucky stayed reeeeeaaaallllyyy still, Steve would just go on his way. There was no such luck, though, and he knew it. "I- um. Hey, Stevie."

Steve was working on familiarizing himself with the ship’s layout. He hadn’t been on board long--enough to get settled in and start learning how things worked aboard the Enterprise and in the 23rd century, but that was about it. He’d also been trying to figure out how best to let Bucky know he was aboard. It couldn’t have been easy for him, and the confusion was probably worse than a lot of other travelers’.

He was nearing the dining hall when someone ran into him. He backed up slightly to apologize only to find himself face to face with Bucky. He smiled slowly, happy to see Bucky but still a little worried about him. “You remember me,” he said. “It’s...I’m glad to see you, Buck.”

"Mostly, yeah." Bucky swallowed heavily. "I didn't know you were here, though. I just- um. Things are still a bit- okay, a lot jumbled up, yanno. Up here." He tapped a finger to his temple, then shrugged, hands falling back to his sides. He couldn't quite believe the way Steve practically lit up for seeing Bucky. "There's still a lot I don't remember. And I don't think I'm ever gonna be the guy you knew.."

Steve gently put a hand on Bucky’s shoulder, squeezing gently. “Haven’t been here long--just a couple of days,” he said. “I’m just glad things have unjumbled enough that you know me and you know the name Bucky. And I know you can’t go back to being who you were before all the things that happened to you...but I’d like to get to know the man you become.”

"It's the only name that felt right," Bucky admitted, surprised when Steve's hand moved to his shoulder, but he didn't push him away, admittedly more than a little touch starved. He couldn't remember the last time he'd been touched in a way that didn't hurt. "I don't know if I'm even a good person, Steve, how can you be so sure you wanna know me?"

The question slipped out and he quickly looked aside, frowning just a little. "I'm not- I'm still not really good at this. Being around other people and stuff."

“The fact that you worry if you’re a good person or not--that shows me you’re gonna try. Because bad people don’t worry if they’re good.” Steve smiled softly. “You’ve been through more hell than anyone ever should be, and I get that brings changes. But now you know who you are, and the people who did that to you--they aren’t here, and you’ve got time to take time to feel...okay around people again.”

He rubbed Bucky’s shoulder gently. “And I know you’ll probably want your space sometimes, but I’m here for you, okay? Any time you need me, I’ll be there.” She smiled, a little lopsidedly. “‘Til the end of the line.”

Bucky looked back to Steve, staring in disbelief. "Not here for now," he muttered, fighting a wince as Steve rubbed his shoulder. He couldn't help but lean into the touch a little. "There ain't no talking you outta this, is there?"

He hesitated for a moment. "Did you- have you eaten yet?"

“No talking me out of it,” Steve said. “And they show up, I will punch them, and make sure everyone on the ship knows the kind of scum they are.”

Steve shook his head. “Haven’t eaten yet.”

"Of course you would," Bucky muttered, shaking his head a little. "You can't punch your way through too much here, Steve. No matter how much we might want to."

"We should- if you want, I could go with you- I just ate, but if you want company..?"

“Can still look out for each other,” Steve said softly. “And yeah, company would be nice. Can be kind of lonely in there when it’s not peak time.”

He slipped his arm around Bucky’s shoulder as the headed into the dining hall.

Bucky turned as Steve stepped forward, and he was again surprised as Steve's arm went over his shoulders. He hesitated for a moment before sliding an arm around him in return, something in the gesture familiar, though he couldn't remember the last time he would've done something like that.

"It's not always lonely. Or bad, really. I like it most of the time- there's less staring. Not so many questions, you know?"

Steve nodded thoughtfully. “Yeah, I can see how it could be.” The folks on the Enterprise didn’t exactly seem like they’d be used to a prosthetic like the one Bucky had. “But familiar company is better than strangers, that’s for sure.”

"Yeah, I suppose so," Bucky agreed. He wasn't sure if he'd get strange looks for returning so soon, but figured he might get some flack from some of the staff, even if he wasn't planning on eating again. He thought he noticed a few people watching them as they entered the mess hall, but Bucky tried to ignore them, not wanting to grow more anxious or agitated. "Food today wasn't bad, though. Some of it's different from what I remember.."

“Yeah, food here’s not exactly like home. Better than Army rations, though.” Steve nodded at the staff as he selected his food and beverage options. It really was pretty good food.

After getting his food, he glanced around for a moment before leading Bucky over to a small table that was a little out of the way. He thought Buck might feel more comfortable that way.

"Yeah, it's better." Bucky followed Steve through the line, taking a seat across from him. "I- God, I don't even know where to begin. There's a lot to catch up on, isn't there..?"

Steve gave Bucky’s shoulder a squeeze. “Yeah, there’s a lot. I got a list of some things I looked up after they defrosted me. Can’t really experience the music recommendations...unless the ship has access to recordings.” He made a mental note to look into that. “If they do, there’s some stuff I think you’d like. Music...changed a lot over the years.”

"I can't say that I know much about that," Bucky admitted. That wasn't quite what he'd meant, but he'd go along with it. "I remember hearing some things, you know. Before. Here and there. But not well enough to know all the music we missed." He shifted a little in his seat, hands fidgeting in his lap. "I've been trying, you know? This last year- trying to figure out the world. I'd been doing alright, I think. Just..laying low, trying to deal with everything that's coming back- or whatever isn't coming back, but I don't- I don't know.."
Steve gave Bucky’s shoulder another squeeze. “I’ll help you work on it. Any questions I can answer, they’re yours. Anything you need, just let me know.” It wasn’t going to be easy for Buck, Steve knew that much. There was the brainwashing to recover from, yeah, but also there was probably a hell of a lot of PTSD, too. And both of those were gonna hurt a long while.

"Thank you." His voice was quiet, and Bucky watched Steve for a moment before looking down to his hands in his lap. "It's..I hate it, you know? All of it. They took it all- my family, my memories, you... And I start to figure it out and then I end up here and Carter says it's a new start but how can I start new if I can't even trust my own head?"

“I can help with the gaps from the old days,” Steve said softly. “And I can tell you about good things that happened while we weren’t exactly around to know about them. And we’ll learn this new world together.”

He took a sip of water. “And I can talk you through some things you can try when things get confused or jumbled or just too much. Worked with a guy who helped veterans feel more like themselves again, after they came home and needed people who understood.”

"Are you sure?" Bucky asked, the question slipping out before he'd even thought to check himself. He winced a little at his own words, shoulders slumping a little more. "I shouldn't, but I know for a fact that I was never any good at telling you no."

He worried his lower lip, then looked back across the table. "You deserve better, you know. Don't need me dragging you down."

“I’m sure. And I won’t rush you, but I will be there for you.” Steve reached over and tucked some hair behind Bucky’s ear. Bucky with long hair was still a little strange, but he pulled it off well.

“You won’t drag me down, Buck. I’ll be working as hard as I can to pull you up. And i won’t let go.” He’d been unable to pull Bucky back to safety once; there was no way he’d let that happen again.

Bucky watched Steve a little warily, stilling as Steve reached over and tucked his hair back. "You shouldn't have to, though," he started, still hesitating a little. His hand came up, though, finding Steve's to give it a small squeeze before releasing it. "I dunno, Steve. Everything just keeps leading back to you.."

Steve smiled softly when Bucky squeezed his hand. “I'm with you till the end of the line, Buck. Line just got a little longer for us both.”