InsaneJournal

Leia hadn’t been sure she would have access to the crew quarters deck since the travelers didn’t have access everywhere on board, so she was glad when she could slip in and stop outside of B-9. She reached up and touched her hair for a moment, oddly self-conscious for reasons she didn’t want to think about, before shaking herself out of it, rolling her eyes at herself, and pressing the button beside the door to notify him that she’d arrived.

It would be good, she thought, to talk to someone outside of her family, no matter what timeline they’re from. Someone outside of her entire life. Someone she more than likely had a lot in common with. It would give her a chance to take her mind off of her - off of Vader and Kylo Ren and their both being here. She smiled when the door slid open.

Christopher gave her a smile as the door slid open. He'd opted for his black pants and black Starfleet undershirt instead of the command gold or his dress greys. "Come in," he said, stepping aside and motioning for her to come in. "No problems finding the place?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

Leia shook her head. “No trouble. Once I figured out the ship’s design, it's been easy to navigate.” She smiled at him and stepped inside. “You're feeling better?” she asked, giving him a once over. It was always nice to be able to meet someone face to face whom otherwise she’d only been conversing via a PADD.

"I am," he said. He still needed the cane to walk and there was a limp as he made his way over to the sofa and motioned for Leia to have a seat as he poured two glasses of Andorrian brandy. "Wasn't sure how the security access worked for crew quarters. Please, make yourself at home."

“I managed,” she said, not giving more of an explanation than that as she sat and leaned back, watching him. “What are we drinking?” She didn't recognize the bottle, though that wasn't too surprising, all things considered.

"Andorrian brandy," he answered, passing her a glass, before taking a seat himself. His movements were still a bit stiff and awkward, but that was no different than before Khan's attack. He swirled the deep amber liquid around in his glass. "Among the best the galaxy has to offer. Being Admiral still has some benefits on this ship."

He raised his glass to her, giving her a warm smile. "Here's to new adventures."

Leia smiled and took the glass, slipped her fingers around it and brought it up to her nose to smell its sweet scent. It almost - almost! - reminded her of Corellian brandy. If it tasted similar, she wouldn’t be able to limit herself to just one or two glasses, she thought. She raised her glass and met his eyes. “To new adventures,” she echoed. Leia took a tentative sip of the brandy and then her smile grew as it warmed her and tasted, just a bit, like home.

“Good choice,” she said, gesturing to her drink. She settled back in the chair. “I’ve been doing some reading on Starfleet and the Federation,” she continued. “Peacekeeping and exploration, mostly, from what I understand. Is the galaxy mostly stable here, in this universe?”

"Mostly. The borders of the Federation a little less so and there are always hot spots as it were. That was the intent in its founding, but there have been times when its become a bit more militaristic." Pike thought about Marcus and Khan and the reports he'd read about that situation that made him nearly sick to his stomach. "But there are always threats. It's a bit of a fine line and one that has been occasionally crossed. For the most part, though, there is peace within the Federation."

“That sounds nice,” she said. She paused to take another sip of her brandy. “I’ve spent my entire life surviving one war or another, with very few extended periods of peace throughout. All I ever hoped for was peace.” Leia’s gaze drifted off toward a window where she could see the stars flashing past as the ship moved steadily through space. “It’s almost like a breath of relief here, now, to not be fighting.”

"Then I'm grateful we are able to provide you a moment of relief, General. It can be a difficult life when you never have time for yourself." He took a sip of the brandy and followed her gaze out the window, grateful for the view. "And yet, sometimes the quiet can drive a person mad if you're used to nonstop action. "

Leia tried to think of the last time she’d had a moment to herself. Back on D’Qar she barely slept because it seemed that every time she tried to sleep through the night, she was interrupted with new intel, or notification of a First Order offensive, or - any number of other things. And outside of the Resistance, even outside of the Rebellion all those years ago, it was rare that she ever had a true moment alone. Even here, with so many people who knew her popping up…

She smiled wryly. “I don’t think I’ve had a day without nonstop action like these last few weeks in …” When had it been? After Endor? No, she and Han hadn’t even taken a honeymoon and then Ben arrived and she took up her place in the senate and - before that then. On the trip to Bespin, when they had been forced to take it slow, thanks for the Falcon’s failure of a hyperdrive. She let out a low whistle of breath. “Twenty-five years, I think.”

Pike couldn't help but chuckle. She sounded like a few Starfleet officers he knew and he found himself thinking of Number One. He'd have to look her up - if command allowed. Right now, his existence was being kept relatively quiet. He raised his glass. "Here's to a much deserved vacation then."

He glanced around his quarters, smaller than his captain's quarters on the original Enterprise, but still nicer than other places he's been. "Does being on medical restriction count as a vacation? There may not be a war but there's often enough to keep a captain from getting enough rest. "

Christopher studied her for a moment. "So, now that you have a moment to yourself - what do you want to do?"

She didn’t know if she actually deserved a vacation, but she wasn’t going to argue over the semantics. She raised her glass and took another sip herself. The alcohol was going down much too easily, but she decided not to think about that right now. “Medical leave only counts as a vacation if you’re fully encased in bacta and can’t do anything else,” she said. She could remember her various ‘medical leaves,’ all of which were non-existent.

What a heavy question, what was she going to do now. “I’m not sure if what I want to do won’t be pushed away by what I have to do,” she admitted after a moment. She switched her glass to her other hand and leaned forward a little. “How much about this multi-universe stuff have you been briefed on? Because I sure as hell don’t understand it. But whatever it is, it makes things damned complicated around here. At least, for me.”

"Even in a different galaxy, seems you can't leave the General and Senator behind." He laughed at her comment on medical leave. "I like the way you think. It was only three days this time - thank goodness - but I would have shot myself without my PADD."

"Most of what I'm aware of relates to the two timelines of my universe where apparently my alternate self is paralyzed from the neck down and lives out his days on Talos IV - which… hits a bit too close to home." It had been years since the Narada, but Nero still occasionally plagued his dreams. Which wasn't information he shared with many people. "I did see that people from your world have been classified by different variations of worlds - another alternate timeline scenario I take it?"

“It’s hard to leave things that are such a part of you behind ever, don’t you think?” Leia smiled at him. She had a strong feeling, perhaps even a feeling, Force-wise, though she didn’t rely on it the way her brother did, that she and Christopher Pike had a lot in common and would get along very well, indeed.

Her eyebrow arched. “I would hate to learn something like that about an alternate version of me,” she said. At least she could be thankful that no one had brought something like that up with her yet. Though she did offer that kind of information to Han, without really meaning to, when she’d told him she’d lost him.

She pursed her lips and nodded. “Yes. It seems that there was some kind of divergence, though I’m not clear exactly when.” She could pinpoint it to her and Han having Ben shortly after Endor, whereas the other Leia and Han waited to have children. Was it something so simply as that, to bring about two completely different timelines? She didn’t like the weight and pressure that confirmed on her. “My brother and I are from the same timeline,” she said, “I know that for certain. And my daughter is as well.” She chose not to mention Ben. “On the other hand, my husband is not my husband, at least, the man who is here isn’t my husband.” Leia paused, glanced at Pike. “I’m a widow, by the way. I feel the need to say that upfront.” She shrugged. “And his children are here, who are his with my alternate self. How’s that for complicated?”

"You can take the captain out of starfleet, but you can never take the starfleet out of the captain." It was a saying that made the rounds at Starfleet retirement parties often and Christopher knew just how true it was. "I'm sure it's the same for your resistance."

"About on par for coming back from the dead." He laughed and took another sip before refilling their glasses. It was probably a good thing he'd requisitioned two bottles. "Sounds like quite the complicated family reunion. I.."

Another sip of the brandy. Christopher didn't talk about his family or his entanglements much. Starfleet was his family. "I don't have any children. Well, not by blood, but Jim's as good as a son to me. And well, I'm.. not involved with anyone. There was someone and we were together for twenty years.. But it ended when I chose Starfleet over the relationship. He's still on Earth, in this universe." Which was an awkward meeting Christopher hoped to avoid.

Leia nodded. “It absolutely is.” There was never ay question that she would be the one to lead the Resistance when it became clear that the New Republic was dead-set on ignoring the advances of the First Order.

She accepted another pour with an inclination of her chin in thanks and took a long, slow sip. The brandy had begun to go to her head. It wasn’t usual that Leia Organa drank two glasses of anything in one sitting, but she liked the feeling. It felt like it was beginning to loosen her up, relax. In truth, the last two times she had been drunk were here, on board this ship. She almost laughed at the realization, but she didn’t, and she didn’t bring that piece of information to light.

“Family doesn’t always mean by blood,” she said firmly, perhaps more sharply than she meant to. “I was adopted, and that family is more my family than those who are related to me.” She felt badly for saying so, now that she was getting to know Padmé, had that opportunity here, but it would take an awful lot before she considered anyone but Bail and Breha Organa her parents.

She nodded slowly. “I’m sorry to hear that. Some relationships -” Leia stopped. She didn’t want to insult his relationship by bringing up her own failed one. “Sometimes circumstances make it impossible for relationships to last forever.” She sighed and then laughed a bit, shaking her head. “My own marriage was - a complete fucking failure.”

"I'm sorry to hear that. My- Phil and I-- it wasn't fair to make him play second fiddle to the fleet. We thought it might be different when we were PlanetSide but it wasn't. It just became more evident."

He smirked. "He'd probably tell you to stay away because I'm married to my ship."

She laughed at that. “My husband once told me that I couldn’t stop being the galaxy’s princess and let myself just be Leia,” she said, pausing to take another drink. “I think you and I have that in common, in a way.” The alcohol was warming her, and she felt relaxed.

“Admiral,” she said a moment later. “Chris. What is it about this ship, this Starfleet, that keeps you traveling the galaxy instead of staying in one place?” She knew what the answer was for her, but she found herself immensely interested in what it was for him.

"Heavy is the head that wears the crown," he said wryly, taking another sip of his brandy and raising an eyebrow at her when she called him by his first name.

He took his time answering. "I spent five years stationed on Earth, if you can believe it. Serving as Commandant of Cadets while overseeing the construction of the Enterprise. The original one. She was to be the new flagship and.. well, mine. It was only the recruitment trips and weekends at the ranch that kept me sane. I'm… not one for staying still."

He eased himself off the couch and made his way to the window, glancing out at the expanse of stars. "I've always had the stars. I grew up in the Mojave where there were no cities for miles and you could see thousands of stars with the naked eye. They were a comfort. Then when we were on Elysium, it was a terraforming colony, so there wasn't much to block out their light either. For me… it's freedom. The same kind I feel when I'm galloping across the desert on a horse. Up amongst the stars, I can go anywhere. It's limitless. And there's so much we've yet to explore…"

His tone was fond and wistful, thinking back to the early days of captaincy when it all seemed possible. "Starfleet was the means to an end at first - but it's become my family. I… it gave me something bigger than myself. A force for good. And while I'm not a naive cadet anymore, there's…" He didn't quite know how - or if - to bring up Marcus. "There are people in Starfleet who would turn it into a military organization, something more akin to an intergalatic police force, but to me, it's still about research and exploration, about the good that we are capable of, about learning from other cultures…"

He gave her a wry look. "And there's a part of me that dreads us going to Earth because I'm worried Command will take me off this ship and stick me behind a desk again."

Leia shrugged at his look, a smile tugging at her mouth. She was relaxed. They were in his quarters. Maybe it was better to be just Leia and Chris in here. She did like being called General, especially since she had outlived the necessity (and the want, from Han) of being called princess, but she also liked being just Leia.

What a different kind of space travel this Starfleet had, exploration and discovery. She supposed that in her galaxy that had been done centuries before. She took a deep breath as he spoke, listened to his words, and enjoyed them. “If there’s no need for a military, then you shouldn’t have one. My universe hasn’t seen real peace since long before I was born. The Rebellion and the Resistance rose out of necessity, not because of want. I would have been very happy serving my people as their queen one day, instead of leading good men and women to their deaths.” She reached up to tuck a stray piece of her hair back into place. “If you have the chance for exploration in times of peace, it should be seized and kept safe. I know you know that, but I wanted to say it anyway.”

She laughed lightly. “Tell them no,” she said. “I got really good at saying no early on. It’s liberating.”

"You know as well as I do that no isn't always an option, General." If his words were cynical, well, he knew Starfleet had ways to get what they wanted. He studied her, trying to imagine her as a Princess or a Queen. The woman before him was intelligent, opinionated, fierce, powerful. He knew she had seen - and survived - horrors. It was in the way she carried herself, the way she spoke, the depth of her gaze. "I'll admit, it's a bit difficult to imagine you in a tiara, Leia."

She lifted a shoulder. “No can always be said, even if it’s not what happens.” Then she laughed, a full, throaty laugh, of the sort she probably hadn’t had in a long while. It felt really good, and she pressed her hand over her stomach and smiled over at him. “Well, it has been a very long time since I wore one. My hair wasn’t so gray then, and I was wearing a gown that I could barely breathe in. I was eighteen.” The last time, she remembered, was about six months before Alderaan was destroyed, at her mother’s birthday celebrations. She hadn’t touched a crown or anything from the royal family after then, even if some people thought she should have.

Christopher smiled, coming back to sit on the couch and setting the cane aside. It was nice to see her laugh - to have that moment of not bearing the galaxy's problems on her shoulders. "Hey now, there's nothing wrong with grey hair." After all, he couldn't really say much in that department, seeing how his own showed his age.

"I believe you promised me stories of gritty ships and your life before here."

Leia touched her hair. No, there wasn’t anything wrong with it, but it still surprised her sometimes when she looked in the mirror and saw herself reflected back in it. “I definitely have a lot of stories like that,” she said. “What kind are you really looking for, so I can narrow it down?”

"Part of me wants to ask for a story you don't tell often. Full disclosure, I'm a historian as well, so I'm fascinated by stories, particularly the ones that don't often get told. All that aside, I'm interesting in hearing about you. I want to know about Leia - who is Senator, Princess, General - and the woman behind all those titles." There was a stray piece of hair escaping and Christopher wanted to tuck it behind her ear. But he wasn't quite sure what this was and it wasn't always like him to move this quickly, but she intrigued him.

She leaned in toward him a bit, brushed that piece of hair off her cheek even though she didn’t know that he had been eyeing it. She opened her mouth to tell him something about the Falcon, since he mentioned gritty ships, but changed her mind. There was something that she didn’t tell often, or at all. Something she had kept close at hand for all these years for no particular reason. Maybe it was just that there was never a right time to tell it.

“At sixteen, I was running discreet supply missions for the Rebellion, which was a military organization founded by my father and several others to openly oppose the Empire. When I was seventeen, I was elected senator in my father’s place to the Galactic Senate. At eighteen, I had to juggle both without anyone noticing.” She paused for a moment, considered where to take this. “The Empire was building a space station, a weapon, called the Death Star. We received intel that there was a weakness in it, something that could turn the tide, give the Rebellion an advantage we hadn’t had my entire life. We had a small team of spies go after the blueprints for the station, and - my father sent me to receive the transmission. I remember that conversation I had with him so clearly.” A moment as she thought about it, talking to her father in a rush on the base on Yavin IV, a young girl with absolutely no idea that it would be the last conversation she’d ever have with him. Maybe, she thought suddenly, this wasn’t the best story to tell while drinking.

Pike leaned in, listening attentively and the brandy momentarily forgotten in his hand. He couldn't imagine that amount of responsibility at sixteen. He remembered what he'd been like at that age. Even Chekov, who had been seventeen on the Enterprise's maiden voyage. Sure, there were young people with maturity, but there was a part of Pike that wanted to let kids be kids as long as possible. "Oh?"

Her eyes met his and she nodded. “It was the last time I saw him,” she said quietly, then moved right along to the story she really wanted to tell, the one she didn’t share with anyone. It occurred to her that she hadn’t even told Luke, and yet it had affected him, in the end. “It wasn’t only the station plans that were important,” she said. “He told me about a man he had known before I was born, a Jedi master, general in the army during the Clone Wars.” It didn’t matter, not really, that these historical events that she knew so well were so foreign to someone here, to Chris. “I was to go seek him out, plans in hand, and convince him to come with me back to Alderaan - that’s my home planet - and help the Rebellion finish this war. I didn’t understand what I could possibly say to convince him. I thought it was because of the plans, but I could have taken the plans to anyone, someone already working with the Rebellion. And my father looked me in the eye and told me that the moment General Kenobi saw me, he wouldn’t be able to say no.” Leia’s eyes fluttered shut for a brief moment.

“It was years before I understood what he meant by that,” she said, her tone changing a bit, less wistful, more wry. “I spent so many years keeping my actions secret that I didn’t fully understand that my parents had carried their own secrets.” She got lost in her own thoughts for a moment, sipped her drink, and then shook her head. “That wasn’t a really great story, not full of daring and adventure. All of that happened after this. But I guess -” she said, cutting herself off for a moment to determine the best way to put it so it made sense. “I guess that moment, with my father, kind of defined for me who I was going to be for the rest of my life.”

Pike went to take a another sip and realized he wasn't sure when his glass had become empty. He refilled their glasses. "I know a thing or two about secrets. And goodbyes. As well as the goodbyes we never get to say." There were too many of those in his life. "I can't imagine what it was like to have that kind of a legacy placed on you at a young age. There are always circumstances beyond our control, beyond our knowledge."

He stopped and took a sip of brandy. He sounded like the admiral. Which wasn't what this was about. "I would have made a shit senator or cadet at sixteen. Hell, I'm not sure I made a great one at 18. My father was an Admiral but we didn't travel with him. I wanted him to be proud of me, but.. I wanted freedom. I wasn't much for the Academy's rules. Nearly got expelled a few times. My third year at the Academy, I stole a shuttle and buzzed the admiralty's spring semester retreat. If Marcus hadn't saved my ass, I wouldn't have made Captain. I didn't get it - what any of it meant though - until I lost one of my own. Before that it was all about the ship. I wanted to be captain of the best, fastest ship in the fleet."

He took another sip of brandy, longer this time, trying to quench his dry throat. "There's a hearing whenever a ship is badly damaged or there's a significant loss of life. Sometimes it's just a formality, but it's to see if there was anything the captain could have done differently or where the blame lies. I was a wreck at my first one - it was the first loss of life under my command and... "

Even now, thirty years later, he still found it difficult to talk about. "I nearly pissed myself. I had to stand there while they read the names of those who had died and went over every single action from the ship's log and the captain's log. Should I have taken that break during delta shift? Is that why this happened? Maybe I didn't train my first officer as well as I should have? They ended up ruling it was an unpreventable accident and giving me a commendation for my conduct, but I remember writing every single one of those next of kin letters. To this day, I still write every letter myself. The hardest are when there's no next of kin to write to. That's when I think I understood what it meant to sit in that chair. Whether or not it's an accident, everyone on that ship was my responsibility. It wasn't about being captain of the fastest ship, but about making sure my crew was the best they could be and that I would do anything for them.. "

Leia sipped her brandy slowly as he spoke, watching him. She may not have ever captained a starship like this one, like he was talking about. But she knew way too much about losing people under her command and having to attend debriefs and inquiries while the losses were still raw and fresh. She remembered in great, unsettling detail when she had to stand before high command after Han was taken from her at Bespin and listen to them go on and on about what she should have been doing and where she should have been after the evacuation at Hoth. And that was just one moment out of dozens - hundreds.

She reached out and put her hand on his leg, just above his knee, leaning toward him. “I write every letter too,” she said quietly. “I’m constantly being told to let someone else take care of it, but these are beings that volunteered to serve under me, volunteered to put their lives on the line for my Resistance -” What little help the New Republic was in that case. “- and the least I can do is tell their families how much I valued them and their sacrifice.” She thought of the letter she had started after sending Poe to Jakku, one that thankfully she hadn’t had to send because he’d come back, and her chest tightened. If she ever had to tell Kes Dameron he had lost another child …

Leia looked up at Pike and swallowed. “You and me,” she said, “we’re cut from the same cloth, aren’t we?” It was at once both odd and so, so good to be talking to someone who was so similar to her, someone who understood her, because even if they were just getting to know each other, she knew that he understood her in ways that other men didn’t. And unlike many of the men in her life, he didn’t view her as Princess Leia, or a senator, or even as a general in the Resistance. Sure, he called her that, out of a mutual respect for their titles, but to him, she wasn’t up on a pedestal.

"Pretty damn close." Her hand on his leg was nice, even if Christopher wasn't sure he remembered how to do this sort of thing. He hadn't had much action since the Narada, apart from young officers with daddy issues who tried to throw themselves at him the few times he went out for a drink in San Francisco. That strand of hair had escaped again and this time he reached out with calloused fingers to tuck it behind her ear. "Except I was never a princess. Just a farm boy who pretended to be king of the ranch."

In her head, she swore in her native tongue, when she realized that she was going to kiss him. Or let him kiss her. She wasn’t sure which. She wasn’t even sure she knew how to do this, considering the last man she kissed was her husband and that was - at least four years ago, maybe more. She had lost track. But Leia Organa wasn’t the type of woman to hesitate or get embarrassed just because she was out of practice with something, so when she made her decision, she blindly pushed her glass onto the table and leaned over to brush her lips over his. If she’d completely misread the situation, so be it, but she had a feeling she wasn’t misreading anything.

One arm moved to the back of her head, catching her as he returned the kiss. He didn't want to think about how long it had been, while the other set the glass on the table before coming to settle on her hip. This hadn't been in the plan for tonight, but it wasn't unwelcome. Eventually, he broke the kiss. "Have to say, kissing a Princess is pretty nice." A shit eating grin accompanied the comment and part of him expected to be smacked for his sass.

Good, she thought, as he returned the kiss and she moved closer to him to slide a hand up to the side of his neck. Not that, at her age, she would have necessarily been too embarrassed about a misstep. Instead, she let slip a sigh against his mouth and was slow to open her eyes when he pulled back. She smiled and rolled her eyes at his comment. Why was she always attracted to the mouthy ones? “And to think there was a moment there when I thought I must be horribly out of practice,” she quipped back before kissing him again, the taste of brandy on both their lips. “I’m glad to hear I’m not.”

He couldn't help but chuckle at that as he kissed her again, shifting to make them more comfortable. "Here I was worried about the same." He ran his fingers over her hair, the style efficient to keep it out of her face, but also giving her a regal appearance. He deepened the kiss, pulling them back against the sofa. "I'm a bit rusty.."

Fingers in her hair was a weakness of Leia’s, always had been, but she wasn’t going to quite give up that card about herself yet. She moved her hand to the back of his neck and pressed into the kiss, nodding slightly. “Can’t tell,” she whispered in a momentary break to catch her breath. “You’ll hear no complaints from me.” She kissed the corner of his mouth, down his jaw, breathing him in before kissing him again.