InsaneJournal

Ahsoka didn't belong. It wasn't a feeling she was unaccustomed to. Plenty of times in her life, she hadn't belonged. And plenty of times in her life she'd found ways to make herself at home. This would be no different.

Only perhaps it would be easier if there wasn't such a weight in her chest. Cold, clawing hands that gripped her heart and squeezed.

Anakin's hands.

She'd failed him, she knew. But she hadn't left him. This time he'd left her, once they'd opened the Temple together. Master and Apprentice once again, if only for a few tense minutes.

Stranded, Ahsoka had descended into the Temple, following something not unlike a vision. She'd descended, and then ascended again. And when she saw the sunlight, she suddenly found herself on a starship. They'd tended her wounds, and yet she hadn't left their medbay.

Because someone else had been taken in. Someone familiar. Ahsoka had last seen Padme laying in state in Theed, on Naboo. It had been stupid and reckless, but she'd had to see for herself. Padme had looked at peace, and Ahsoka had stayed for nearly a week in a vain hope that Anakin would show his face. She now wondered if there'd been another reason Anakin had never come.

A half-dozen people had haunted Ahsoka's dreams. Anakin of course. Obi-wan. Riyo, Kaeden and even Barris. And Padme.

Ahsoka took a seat next to Padme, closed her eyes, and meditated. Whatever had happened, she couldn't explain. But she'd be there when her old friend woke up.

There wasn't a mark on Padme's body that explained her death. Nothing that gave any indication as to why she was laying in a sick bay instead of resting in her own bed on Coruscant, babies sleeping in her arms. When she arrived, all the medical staff had to do was resuscitate her. The droids on Pallas had already fixed the rest of the damage, and no one in that timeline had understood why her life force had slipped away.

A man with sad blue eyes and dark hair came to check on them both for a moment. He gave Ahsoka a knowing look and waved a tricorder over Padme's body, then shrugged a shoulder. "Life signs are valid. She should be waking up soon."

Then he'd wandered off to check on the other arrivals. It was almost as if he knew that the two of them would need the space. And he did, but like in many cases, the man in question was on his best behaviour.

A few moments later, Padme stirred. Her hand twitched around the chain that had been tucked between her fingers, and she let out a low groan. "Ani?" She whispered. But that seemed half impossible. Anakin had been systems away in her final memories, and those moments were cloudy in her mind. Had he been dying? Had she? But she was here, and alive... And she remembered that there had been someone else by her side. "Obi-wan?"

"Thank you," Ahsoka had said. There was more to that man than there appeared, but that was a mystery better solved another time.

A twinge in the Force made Ahsoka open her eyes. There were other presences on this ship. None of which she knew but a couple that felt strangely familiar. Force users, at least. Were they Jedi? Sith? It was hard to tell.

Another twinge brought her attention to Padme. Her asking for Ani and Obi-wan was like a lance into Ahsoka's heart.

She decided then and there that Padme couldn't know the truth. Anakin was dead, and Ahsoka had had to assume Obi-wan was as well. Besides, Anakin Skywalker being dead was true. From a certain point of view. Explaining how she was now over half a decade older than Padme was would take more doing, though.

She reached for Padme's hand. "Padme. They aren't here. But it's me, Ahsoka."

"No..." Padme whispered, softly. Though she took Ahsoka's hand, and squeezed it. "Ani couldn't be here. We left him on Mustafar." Her throat clenched as she remembered her final moments with the man who... could no longer be called her husband. A lance of pain cut through her own heart then, and she squeezed a tear out of her eye. Nothing about this situation felt right, but she was glad that Ahsoka was there, at least.

Though the other woman's hand felt larger, her voice just a tad deeper. Padme cracked open an eye and looked around her, expecting to find the short little togruta who had called herself Anakin's padawan. But that had been before she left the order, and she hadn’t heard much from her since. And this Ahsoka was... definitely not little padawan Tano. "You've... you've grown up?"

That made her scramble to sit up. She was groggy, and her head ached, but otherwise she seemed to be fine. Why was she in a bed? Padme looked down, and noticed she was wearing something completely different than the outfit she remembered last. The one she'd given birth in... the twins! "Where are- How-"

Padme pressed a hand to the side of her head, and steadied herself. "Please excuse me, this entire situation is disorienting. Luke and Leia, they must be nearby, and where did Obi-wan go?"

Mustafar. Ahsoka knew that world. She’d rescued children from there. It made a twisted sort of sense that Mustafar would be where things might have happened. Even if she didn’t know what sort of things they were, Ahsoka could feel the grief wafting off of Padme like waves.

“I don’t know where Obi-wan is. I haven’t seen him since… since a very long time ago.” Sixteen years... She kept her voice gentle, not wanting to alarm her any more than she already was. “Luke and… You know Bail’s --” Oh.

Ahsoka exhaled slowly. Oh

"BAIL'S?" Padme asked, not meaning to raise her voice so loudly. In the relative quiet of the sick bay it echoed around, and she cringed at the sound. "I... apologize, but I think I've missed... many things. Everything surrounding the time the twins were born is scraps of half remembered things, like a fog has taken residence in my mind. I remember Obi-wan's face, naming my children. I could still feel the good in Ani, it was so important to tell him that. But then it is all gone. And you are much older... and what has Bail to do with all of this? Is he here, too?"

If there was any clue that Padme Amidala was back to her old Senator self, it was the way in which she barked out these questions with all the authority she could muster. But when she realised the tone she was taking with someone as close as Ahsoka, she spared her friend a small smile. "I do not mean to command you, Ahsoka. Please, forgive me for that, too."

And she hoped that Ahsoka would have more to explain. The talisman that Ani had carved for her so long ago was still clenched in her other hand, so hard that she could feel the chain making an imprint. She didn't even know how it had gotten there.
.
Ahsoka's jaw wavered. If Anakin had been behind those yellow eyes, she hadn't felt it. She wanted to believe. She really wanted to. But believing it was a lot farther to leap.

Padme had also confirmed what Ahsoka had suspected for a year. Anakin had been a lot closer to her than anyone had realized. Ahsoka felt a little foolish in hindsight. Blind.

"I'm used to the commands from Bail and Mothma," Ahsoka replied, smiling tightly. "I don't think he's here. I can... sense others on this ship who are strong in the Force. But I've never seen a ship like this before."

She put a hand on Padme's shoulder. "Lay down. You were... you've been..." Dead.

There was so much Ahsoka wanted to say to her, to ask. But she didn't want to overwhelm her. "Let me start from the... well the beginning of the end. After Palpatine dissolved the Republic, a kill order went out. The clones turned against the Jedi. Most were killed. Rex didn't turn, and we faked our deaths. I haven't seen Obi-wan since, and that was...sixteen years ago for me. The last time I saw you...Was on Naboo. In your tomb."

That might be overwhelming.

The beginning of the end sounded ominous. At first Padme had opened her mouth to argue about needing any rest, but the concern in Ahsoka's eyes made her bite the words back. She didn't feel as if she needed any more rest, really, and had always pushed herself past her limits. Had she been ill? Had something gone wrong with the babies? She thought back to those moments, but it was all still cloudy.

So instead, she listened. She listened as Ahsoka confirmed things that she already knew, and a few that she didn't. The color drained from her face, and she decided that it probably was best that she lay back down, at least for a little while.

"Tomb?" Was the first word to come out of her mouth. But her mind went rushing back to that cloudy, foggy place where she'd known there was still good in Anakin. Where she could feel his pain even though they were so very far away from each other. It suddenly felt chillingly cold in the room, and she hugged the cloak she was wearing around herself. The cloak she must have been buried in. Her fingers brushed against it, taking in the texture of it. They must have made something just for this, because it was unlike anything she'd ever had in her wardrobe.

"I think I could feel him slipping away," She said, her face crumbling. It was better to face that now than later. "I remember waking up aboard my ship, after..." But those words were too hard to say and all of the emotions she'd felt in that moment threatened to crush her. She squeezed some tears out of her eyes and shook her head, "He had come there to kill him. To kill Anakin. And I asked him if Ani was okay, but his answer did not reach his eyes. And then... I was giving birth to the twins, but I couldn't stop crying. Obi-wan held my hand, and his heart looked as broken as mine felt. And I could feel Anakin. Feel his pain. But there was still good in him, and I could feel that, too. I tried to tell him, but everything after that is clouded in darkness."

That must have been when she died. But she felt as though some part of her must have lived on. That part was difficult to explain, and she didn't try. Not for now, when there was so much else to process. "Sixteen years?"

"He's...he's gone, Padme. I'm so sorry." There was old grief in Ahsoka's eyes. She didn't need to fake that, and this wasn't actually a lie. Anakin was gone. "Sixteen years. I've been part of the Rebellion, fighting the Empire. Bail and Mon Mothma have been building it that whole time. Riyo has helped too. We've started to have some... success. Mostly the little victories, in helping people."

She liked to think that Padme would have been heavily involved in that, too.

Padme answered a few questions Ahsoka had had. Obi-wan and Anakin must have dueled. Maybe Anakin had died that day, but Vader had somehow survived.

"The things Obi-wan said he did... and the things he said to me..." Padme whispered, then shook her head, "I refuse to believe he is gone. Anakin is still in there somewhere, but I couldn't reach him. Perhaps if Obi hadn't shown up right when he did. But in that moment I knew something else had taken over. The Dark Side."

She didn't want to lay down anymore, she wanted to busy herself with something else, anything else than what was going on in her thoughts. Padme hated sitting idle. But if sixteen years had passed and she was suddenly back from the dead, what was there to do? "How is this even possible? My returning to life. Sixteen years later, and... Of course Bail and Mon Mothma would continue the work. There is a rebellion now? This Empire that he created must be stopped. But... where are my children, Ahsoka? You said Bail..."

If she really had been dead, Bail would have been an excellent surrogate father. His wife, a wonderful mother. And Alderaan was a gorgeous place to grow up. She thought that was a good choice, though of course she would rather have gotten the chance to raise them herself. Even if Anakin couldn't be there with them.

"I want to see them. I know they will not recognize me as their mother, but... I need to know how they grew up. Who they became."

Ahsoka didn't really want to hear it. She didn't want it confirmed. Seeing the monster Vader was had been bad enough. Feeling his presence had been bad enough. But she didn't want details. It would somehow make it more real.

She couldn't just cry, though. She had to be the strong one for Padme. This betrayal was so much worse than what Barriss had done to her.

"Bail has a daughter named Leia. She has...potential, with the force, but I never dare to stay near them for long for risk of drawing one of the Empire's Inquisitors. I don't know of any other children." More than once she'd had to hide or obscure a Force Sensitive child but she didn't think any of those had been Padme's.

"I don't think we're where we were, Padme. This area of space feels so different. This ship is like no design I've ever seen. Advanced, but like technology evolved differently here."

This really was too much to handle all at once. Padme flopped onto her back and stared up at the light that had been installed over the bed. It hurt her eyes, but she didn't bother trying to fuss over it. Hopefully they could leave this medical area soon. "So we are in a different place. And there is no one who knows what happened to Luke. But Bail must have taken Leia to raise as his own. That seems fitting."

Her tone sounded resolved. What else was there to do in the face of all of this? Her hand squeezed again around the chain, Ani's talisman. It was the only piece of him - the true him - that she had left. She was glad that it had made it, that one of her girls must have known to bury it with her. "I am going to tell myself that wherever Luke is, he is safe. It is better than the other thoughts. All of those other thoughts. How are you handling all of this so much better than I? Is it your Jedi training? I know you left the order... but you must still be in practice, if you can sense things."

"I'm sure he's safe. If Bail only took Leia, there must have been a reason, and someone else must have taken Luke." Obi-wan, perhaps? It was a nice thought, to think he'd survived. Obi-wan had been through so much, and him off somewhere raising Luke in peace was a break he deserved.

Ahsoka folded her arms across her chest. Sadness crossed her features. "I've had more time, in general. To grieve for all of you and all that was lost. I'm not a Jedi, but I still train and meditate. I've had to become... less idealistic than I used to be, to survive, and help the Rebellion."

The Jedi couldn't be what they'd been, anyway. Ahsoka had hoped that Ezra could be the new future of the Jedi. Less drowned in tradition, more compassionate. What use was the greater good if individuals were allowed to suffer. That was the ideal, anyway. Some small part of Ahsoka still believed in that.

"The Order, and the Republic, lost much of what it once was fighting in that war. And perhaps it had been like that before it, and the war only threw it into sharper contrast. But I do not blame you at all for having to put aside some things in order to survive," Padme said, sighing. The Separatists had long argued that the Republic was corrupt, that the Jedi could no longer be trusted. Much of the political sphere she’d worked in had been interweaving shades of grey.
And there was no way the Jedi could recover from what had been done, in any case. She hadn’t known the extent of Palpatine’s crimes against them, though she sharply recalled the day Anakin
had come to tell her that the Jedi had betrayed the Republic.

At the time she had been too distressed by the news to fully think about it, and then... Anakin had killed what was left of the Jedi Order's future. But that, she kept to herself. She had no idea if Ahsoka knew the details, and it had been horrifying enough to be the wife of someone who could do something like that. His former padawan didn't need to bear it.

One of her hands worried at the edge of her cloak. Her mind was flying all over the place, and she wished there was a way to order it all. "You never knew about us, did you? That we were married. That we had children."

It had all collapsed so quickly. Ahsoka didn't think that was entirely inertia, but it couldn't have been Palpatine all by himself. Still how easily it had happened was frightening.

Ahsoka knew the younglings had been slaughtered, but she didn't know who had done so. She just assumed it was the clones, and that hurt enough.

She took Padme's hand. "No. I mean... I started to suspect something near the end, but then I left the Order and I didn't see Anakin until Mandalore. Shortly before he had to rush back to save the Chancellor."

But children? Ahsoka shook her head. "But I didn't know you were pregnant."

"I am not sure how to take that," Padme said, sounding suddenly amused. She chuckled a bit, "You were still around toward the beginning when I started donning my maternity wear. Did you think I was just beginning to grow fat? Or should I be flattered that we worked so hard to create clothing that would hide it all, and the efforts were successful. My handmaidens would be proud, in that case."

And Anakin had gotten even more protective of her when he'd learned she was pregnant. In those final months it was even harder to hide it all. They constantly lived under the fear that they would be discovered, that their lives would end. In some ways the thought had been a relief to Padme. No more hiding, no more lies. But a Senator who was pregnant with a child whose father she could not name would have been a scandal in any other time. Luckily there had been several more important things for them all to whisper about in dark corners.

She squeezed Ahsoka's hand again, "So here we are, far away from the events that shake the Galaxy. And I suppose I should be grateful to have my life again. But there are so many people who should be standing here that are not. I am glad that at least we have each other."

It was so much to take in. "I was a lot more oblivious to that kind of thing. Even when a cute girl wanted to kiss me I didn't realize it until much later." And she'd gotten Kaeden's offered kiss eventually. A little bit of light hope in the darkness.

For that matter she hadn't realized what was going on with Lux until Onderon and even then she'd mostly just been confused. The Jedi were rather repressed in that respect.

"Here we are. There's us at least. And... maybe if there's us, there's a chance for others." Ahsoka's smiled was genuine. "I'll have to get used to being taller than you. You were always... larger than life."

"You would have been taller than me rather quickly, I think," Padme replied, remembering how quickly Ahsoka had been growing just in their time together. And also remembering how short she was compared to many of the people she had met. "I suppose I was quite a lot of Senator packed into such a tiny frame. But I never meant to be more than who I was."

There was no telling the rest of the world not to raise up the famous Padme Amidala on some kind of pedestal, though. She was proud of her accomplishments but less enamored with her fame. Though, she had to admit it did make some negotiations go a little more smoothly. Other times it also put her in danger.

"I will never know what it was like to be a Jedi or a war hero during those times, but I imagine that we all sometimes wished to just be ourselves. Only, we didn't get the chance to live in any other way, really. You and Ani certainly came across as larger than life in your own way. Obi-wan, too. He liked to pretend he was the quiet and reserved one, but he had his own times to show off."

Her mind caught up with Ahsoka's words, then, and she glanced over at her. "Did you get that kiss?"

"Who you were- are, is an inspiration," Ahsoka assured her. Bail, she knew, would make sure that Padme would never be forgotten, not for the work she'd done in the senate or how she'd always strived for peace.

"We did like to show off," Ahsoka admitted, with a laugh. The scary thing about that war, was how easy it was to sometimes forget there'd been real people involved. Slicing up a clanker was a lot different than a person.

Her face turned a slightly different shade of orange. "Eventually."

"It's okay to talk about me in the past tense, Ahsoka," Padme said, gently. "The fact that I am here in the present, wherever we are, is going to take some adjustment. But I AM glad that you got that kiss. I always thought the lives you Jedi were forced to live were incredibly lonely. Anakin wasn't the only one who was tempted."

She could go on about the way Satine used to talk about Obi-wan Kenobi, or the fact that his eyes lit up when the Mandalorian Duchess's name was uttered in his ear shot. And then there was the night they'd spent on Tatooine, where it was very clear what Master Qui-gon and Anakin's mother were getting up to. Even Asajj had pursued a relationship with one of the Jedi Masters, and that was when she was on the Light Side of the force, instead of a champion of the Dark. Love and relationships were a complicated issue, but Padme had always thought that love would bring a person back from the brink, not plunge them directly into it.

Except, she supposed, with Anakin. Her hand clenched up again, momentarily. She'd never had time to grieve, but Padme thought she would have all the time she needed now. "Can we leave this place soon? The bed is comfortable, but I think I need to find something to wear that I wasn't buried in. Though ...I may keep this cloak."

“They told us to eschew attachment, without thinking about how that might affect how we treated others.” Maybe if Luminara had been more open with Barriss, Ahsoka never would have left the order.

She’d probably be dead.

“Let me ask the nurse.” She stood, and walked over to him. “Excuse me.”

The 'nurse' in question was one Tony Stark. Since new people always seemed to show up on a set day of the week, Sunday was usually 'all hands on deck' day. He waved a hand at Ahsoka, trying not to geek out about the fact that he was talking to a grown up Ahsoka Tano, "Please state the nature of your medical emergency."

“Uh.” That was weird. Ahsoka raised her ... eyemarking thing over her eye, that wasn't actually an eyebrow. "Can we be shown to our quarters? Are we medically cleared? And is there someone who can answer questions for us?"

"Ooo, questions questions. Let's see if I have some answers." Tony pulled one of his PADDs out and checked the medical records for the new patients. It wasn't his job to medically clear them, but if they were marked as clear in the file he could point them towards Peggy. He nodded his head and then put them away.

"So, you're both fine. The doctors want your friend to come back in a few weeks for a postpartum check up. Nothing out of the ordinary there, just want to make sure everything's okay. And you do have quarters, and there is definitely someone who can answer questions and get you all squared away." Tony motioned towards Peggy and the members of the Traveler Liaison program that were on shift that night, "Miss Carter and her friends over there are here just to help you out."

He blink for a few seconds and then added, "She probably wants something else to wear, yeah? Ask Peggy to show her the replicator."

Ahsoka bowed her head to him. "Thank you. I appreciate it." She was going to have a lot of questions, and probably not let Padme out of her sight until her old friend was settled. Hopefully she'd get to play with some of that technology, too.

Returning to Padme, she told her the news. “We’re cleared.”

While Ahsoka was gone, Padme had gotten back to the business of sitting upright. Out of fear that her clenched hand might break the chain on her necklace, she'd put it back around her neck, and was looking down at it when Ahsoka returned. "Good. Hopefully there is someone who can explain all of this to us."