InsaneJournal

Well, if he’d been upset about not talking to Hawke until now, at least he was changing that? Lucifer headed down to the galley to get a cup of coffee even though it was now evening. He didn’t care about the coffee, he just wanted to see Hawke. And the galley was a safe place, and maybe they could find somewhere private to go and talk, but that wasn’t too private where he could get in trouble and complicate things more.

Because if he’d just slept with Hawke, things would probably be less strange now. But then Mary had shown up at his room, and after months of letting things build he wasn’t about to say no. And maybe he should have said no. And there wasn’t anyway he could talk to Hawke about that, was there? Not without being a complete arse, and he didn’t want to do that.

Lucifer Morningstar was good at many things, but dealing with the complications of even the slightest hint of a relationship was not one of them. He was still confused and still uncertain of how to proceed, but Kate had been right. He was definitely going to talk to Hawke sooner rather than later.

And she was already at the galley when he arrived, so he greeted her in a manner that definitely did not betray how awkward and out of his element he was feeling.

“Hey.”

This was awkward. Hawke didn't know why it should be, all things considered. But it still was. Maybe it would have been less weird if she'd ever approached him to say anything at all after spending the better part of 24 hours in his suite. She mused about that while flashing a grin at Lucifer and waving her hand. Her own cup of coffee was gigantic, and she was clinging to the cup like it was a life raft.

At least she hadn’t bolted. And he hadn’t bolted. That was already more progress with any kind of… anything having to do with this than Hawke had really experienced. But they probably should have spoken sooner, at least.

"Do you think this conversation would be more or less awkward if one of us was actually lit on fire?" She blurted, then blinked her eyes at herself. "... Also hello. Sorry. I don’t think that part of my mind that censors what I say is awake yet."

“Maybe,” Lucifer answered, “If that didn’t make me think of that time I had sex in a burning building. Right, I’m going to get a cup of coffee then.”

He laughed though, at himself, as he poured a cup of coffee. That’s what he thought to say to that particularly random question by Hawke? Bloody hell, he was ridiculous. “So on that thought,” he mentioned, having secured himself caffeine he didn’t need. “Why don’t we wander around awkwardly until we find somewhere comfortable to sit?”

This is why he spent so much time in the lounge. It was just a given that you could talk there, and you could actually speak rather privately despite the crowd. But it was still closed and they needed somewhere where he’d be less likely to be spotted by Mary. Or even Kate at this point.

He had no idea where they should go, but that didn’t stop him from leading her down through a corridor. “So. It’s been an odd week, hasn’t it?”

Wandering the halls awkwardly sounded just like their speed, and Hawke let Lucifer take the lead for a time, nursing her gigantic coffee. And trying to get the mental picture of him having sex with someone inside a burning building out of her head. It wouldn't budge, and she had questions, but she'd already blurted awkward things today. There was probably a quota on the amount of times she was allowed to do that.

"Oh, I suppose. Though it started out well enough, emotional trainwreck aside. Are you and your new roommate getting along?" This seemed like excellent neutral territory. Hawke remembered all those social events she'd had to attend once the Amell family name had been restored.

“You want to talk about my roommate?” Lucifer asked. “Uh, he’s alright, I guess.”

He stopped walking abruptly, and looked at her. “I don’t want to talk about my roommate,” he said decisively. “I want to talk about you. I figured we would sooner than now, probably but then there was Mar…”

He stopped. “Other things.” Well that was bloody brilliant. “Let’s find somewhere to talk,” he added quickly.

"Oh thank the Maker," Hawke breathed, as they came to an abrupt halt and Lucifer got straight to the point. "I was afraid we were in for the most boring day ever to be had by two people as interesting as we are."

She tilted her head to the side as a piece of a name slipped out of his mouth. That had to be Mary, Hawke was almost sure of it, though she wondered why he'd bit it back. And then there they were, standing in the middle of a hallway, staring at each other. Awkwardly. Hawke glanced around at where they were and motioned with her hand. "The arboretum is just a deck down. There's usually quiet places to have a talk there. Or I suppose we could have it out here in this custodial closet."

Despite everything, Lucifer had to laugh. “No, let’s go to the arboretum,” he said, even though he didn’t know what she was referring to and had no idea such a place existed on board. Maybe he really did spend too much time at the Lounge.

They headed down there in what was definitely awkward silence and Lucifer could barely handle it. He let Hawke find them a place to sit, and she was right, it was a good place to talk, if not a bit odd given the artificial nature of it all upon a ship.

“Right. So there’s this human expression, when it rains it pours?” Lucifer asked, and then waited for a response.

"Yes, I think we've got that one in Thedas, too. Though usually it applies to things like... Oh look, it's raining blood mages and now we've uncovered an enclave of them with demons, and it's also pouring Qunari who are about to attack our city." Hawke replied, arching a brow at him. Because she wasn't sure that what was going on with him counted as quite that level of situation.

She took a long sip of her coffee and then asked, "Are you going to tell me what's going on? I'm extremely bad at guessing."

“What?” Lucifer asked, looking completely baffled. “No, it’s nothing like that. I just slept with you and Mary in the same week and now things are completely awkward with both of you.” He paused. Well that was out there but after he’d started to say her name previously, he wasn’t going to hold that back and Lucifer wasn’t one for lying.

“And well, that shouldn’t have happened. With Mary,” he added quickly. “We already had issues after the table and this just made things bloody mental between us. But you?” Hawke was completely different but Lucifer was having a hard time articulating how he felt. “That’s not the same thing unless you feel that way about me now.”

Which she might, given that he’d just blurted out that he’d slept with another woman right after her.

"Balls." Is all Hawke could say, at least at first. Her eyebrows raised up a bit further than they'd already been, and she was glad that she had tiredness and coffee as a good excuse to take a break to sip it. Because then at least her mouth was busy and she couldn't blurt out anything stupid.

Lucifer and Mary had the kind of chemistry where something like that was bound to happen, and it wasn't as if the two of them were together. She gathered that in most circles this was the kind of behaviour that got people into trouble, but she wasn't sure how to navigate her own feelings on it. "No, I mean - I don't feel that we shouldn't have done it, and I don't think things are bloody mental? They're awkward, there's no use even lying about that, but- Listen, alright, I haven't exactly had in-a-burning-building levels of sexual encounters. I mean, what we did could have been on that level, It was - It was amazing, we could have been lit on fire and it certainly felt like it."

There was a 'but' in there, of some kind of variety. Hawke squinted one eye nearly shut trying to figure out the words she wanted. Instead, she turned back around to the other part of this, hoping to reassure him in some way. "Before I knew about the detective I was honestly surprised you and Mary hadn't already gone and done it."

“Oh.” Lucifer needed a moment to process all that, so it was his turn to sip his coffee. And then he quite visibly relaxed, and said, “Really?” And then, “Alright well, good then. That happened and you know and we can move onto more important topics like how you thought we were a burning building level of amazing.”

He smirked, but the feeling was mutual. “I don’t know what it is about you…”

Except he had a better idea, because Kate had certainly painted that image for him earlier.

"I'm charming and amazing and you're a glutton for women who want to pummel you to death?" Marian asked, answering his smirk with her own. She welcomed the shift in topic. If she'd had to go into further detail she might have ruined everything. She liked Lucifer too much for that, and he'd had to deal with enough of her baggage.

"Maybe you just have a thing for brunettes..." She added, thinking about Mary. "But yes, alright, I'm thinking that I'd prefer to crawl underneath a rock right now but instead let’s discuss how annoying it is that when a woman tries to put claw marks on your back there are none to be had. Because it is extremely vexing."

“Yeah, you’d need a hell-forged blade to do any damage, I’m afraid,” Lucifer answered with a laugh. Now that they were talking, he was back to feeling comfortable with her. “Maybe that’s it, Hawke. If I were human, you could certainly hold your own against me. Or rather, I’d probably be dead… So it’s a good thing I’m not!”

He fell silent for a moment, then added in a more serious tone, “I don’t think we’re done at the gym yet, either. A half dozen more sessions may have been a low estimate.” He glanced at her, his eyes searching hers out. “Maybe you can handle me because you’ve already been through hell.”

"To be fair, I'd never have pummeled you within an inch of... the life of my own hands, I suppose... if you'd actually gotten that black eye in the beginning. So I'm sure your lifespan isn't threatened by me at all." Hawke replied, casually. She'd had enough of the blood of her loved ones on her own hands to last at least as many lifetimes as fate kept deciding to give her.

"You must be feeling better about everything," She added, softly. "Because now you're back to staring at me like you're looking through me again. And you should know that when you do that it turns my insides into liquid and I sometimes forget how to breathe."

Lucifer disarmed her in ways that only two people in her life had ever managed, and one of them wasn't even a lover. She hated it, but she also appreciated it. And so far he'd never taken advantage of it in any hurtful way.

“Don’t forget how to breathe,” he said quietly. “But I can’t help it. I don’t know what it is about you exactly, even if Beckett listed off a dozen reasons why you’re so bloody attractive. But it’s not just your self-confidence or your honesty,” he puzzled, “Or that you’re intelligent and able to hold your own in almost any conversation or fight. Or that you’re incredibly sexy even though you most definitely are.”

No there was something else, and he stared at her, trying to determine what it was. “Maybe it’s the side that Beckett hasn’t seen? Because I’ve seen just how strong you are.”

"Well I..." Hawke started, and then stopped. She shook her head at that point, and wondered why it was that neither of them had thought about sneaking some alcohol into that caffeine of theirs. "You've been talking to Beckett about us? I think I need to hear this list of hers that she's provided you with. But you should know by now that the me you've gotten to know isn't the me I just... dash around the ship like. So she's missed out on that side, since it never came up."

“Well I just listed off a good bit of it,” Lucifer said. “And that’s all I’m going to say for now, but yes, I talked to Beckett. She’s almost like a stand-in therapist at times. And she laughed at me when I said I was annoyed that we hadn’t talked and reminded me that I knew how to find you.”

Lucifer nodded before continuing. “Oh, I know. You’re quite skilled at keeping up the defenses you’ve built around yourself until you’re around me. And as I said, I think you handle me so well because you’ve already been through hell, and you had to find the strength to keep going, didn’t you?”

He didn’t let her out of his gaze, the one she said made her almost forget how to breathe, but then relented. “What is it you desire, Hawke?” he asked her. But he wasn’t attempting to compel her to answer. He wanted to hear her answer, on her own terms.
And that was quite new to him.

"Didn't I." Marian mumbled, repeating him. That was the thing that probably made people like her the real heroes of her world. It had nothing to do with deeds and everything to do with finding the strength to keep going. "I have a feeling by that definition you'd be a hero, too."

"But I don't know." And that was truth. She finally met his eyes, and tried to remember to breathe. "I want to stop feeling like my chest is a wound that never heals right. I want to be able to sleep through the night. I want more of your company certainly, in whatever way you'll give it. But I don't desire to pin you down, or make your life more complicated. You've broken free from Hell and you don't need anyone else dragging you back into it."

“You couldn’t possibly drag me back into hell, Hawke,” Lucifer said, his voice firm and decisive. “Trust me on that. I’ve been to hell. Not as its ruler, but on my own. Almost got trapped there.” He’d glossed over that story in explaining Chloe to her, now he was elaborating more. “For most people who end up in hell, you relive your worst moment. Over. And over. And over again. For all eternity. For me, it was the moment I killed my brother. Yes, I had my reasons of wanting to save my mother and the detective from him. But that did nothing to stop the guilt I felt afterward.”

His expression fell as he remembered Uriel taunting him, and how no matter how much he hadn’t wanted to, he kept plunging Azrael’s blade into him. Again. And again. And again. That the blade would find its way back into his hands. That he was compelled to repeat it. He attempted to describe that to her, but had no idea if words could do it justice. If he could explain his brother’s pleading eyes that would suddenly change into a knowing smirk, knowing Lucifer was trapped.

“My mother realized what had happened, why I couldn’t come back to life. She came down to rescue me, and helped me escape. I couldn’t do that on my own,” he admitted softly. “So no, you can’t drag me back to hell. But I can help pull you out of yours.”

Hawke listened to him recount things, wondering if it was him that needed the kiss now. When he got to the end of his story, she put her coffee cup down next to her, and ran both of her hands over her face. She tried to remember the story he'd told her before, and remembered there'd been a time he'd elected to go just to save his detective's life. "Was this the time you went for the... antidote? Did you know all of that was going to happen?"

“I knew it was a possibility,” Lucifer said quietly. “But I don’t think I really expected it. Or to see him again…” He was staring at her again, but not with the intensity he’d had before. Instead, his expression was more confused. Vulnerability was nearly as new to him as guilt was, and as he looked at Hawke, he realized she now had the same look he normally had, looking straight into him.

“I like this better on the other side of things,” he mused, setting his own abandoned cup of coffee down as well. “So you’d better kiss me and make this all better, and then tonight you’re sleeping in my room.” He meant sleeping, though he wasn’t sure he’d live up to that. But this was complicated and he didn’t want to get in over his head. If he wasn’t already.

The tables were turned and Hawke rather enjoyed being the person who got to melt someone else's insides for once. In a figurative manner, anyway. She smirked a bit, "Turnabout is fair play, isn't it?"

There was something incredibly satisfying about knowing that she could make Lucifer feel as vulnerable as she always seemed to be around him. She turned a bit, taking in his expression, and wondered if she always looked as broken inside as he seemed to do in these moments. Then she reached over, and pressed her hand against his cheek, curling her fingers around towards his ear. "I could kiss you, but should I? If I recall you kept me waiting for at least a week."

He knew she was just toying with him, but there was a flash in Lucifer’s eyes that was a mixture of anger and fear, and he turned away from Hawke, though not completely away from her touch. “Bloody hell,” he said. “I wasn’t ready for that yet, I wasn’t doing it to mess with you…”

And then he did pull away, reaching for his half-drunk cup of coffee, and ready to leave. The devil wasn’t one for displays of his own vulnerability, and he’d had enough.

The last time that Hawke had played poke the bear with an angry and vulnerable man, the man in question had punched a hole in the wall, right next to her head. That had lead to an interesting evening, but since they'd decided to part ways the day after, she would have thought she'd have learned by now. She blinked her eyes at his back for a few seconds, and then let out a long sigh.

She opened her mouth and shut it a few times, suddenly not quite sure what to say. "I'm not good at this," Is what she finally decided on. "I was only teasing. I know you weren't doing it to mess with me. We were just suddenly saying very serious things to each other again, and I was trying to lighten the mood. And I see I may have lightened it straight up and out of here."

Other times in her life she might have preempted the leaving of someone else by leaving, herself. This time, she just took her coffee cup back into her hands, and waited to see what Lucifer did next.

Well. At least they were on equal footing again, which was not as good as having the advantage but better than complete vulnerability. “Right,” he said, sipping at his coffee which was now cold. “Let’s return these?”

He glanced over at Hawke, uncertain of what else to say. He didn’t want to necessarily leave things this way, but the discussion had ventured past his own level of comfort.

That feeling was mutual, at least. Hawke looked down into the depths of her own coffee, and shook her head. "You go. I'm just going to finish mine up."

“No,” Lucifer said. “Bloody hell, things are already awkward as hell between Mary and myself, I’m not letting it stay that way between you and me. Unless you absolutely want me to leave.”

And if she did, she should probably be prepared for it to be a while. Maybe he should leave and go back to the gym or wait for the lounge to open. That would probably be far easier, especially given the amount of baggage she had as well as issues he didn’t want to face.

"I don't, but you looked so prepared to go that I wasn't sure anything I said would stop you." Hawke replied, glancing over at him. "But you can't expect me to simply... always be the one that's laid bare, dealing with me and my issues while never dealing with any of your own. It was a bad time to play 'poke the devil', certainly, and I’ll own up to that. But I would have understood if you needed some space."

“Ironically, there’s not much space to be found on this spaceship,” Lucifer replied. “But you’re right, I don’t want to deal with my issues. Not if it’s going to go like this. Or if it’s some bloody game you’re playing.” That was harsh, but she’d gotten to him. “Right. Maybe I should leave. I just didn’t expect that talking to you would make things worse than what they were. My mistake. Won’t happen again.”

And with that, he did stand up, casting one more look at Hawke before he left. He needed a drink. And he needed to stop sleeping with people on the ship because it really was too small.