InsaneJournal

It actually turned out to be a bit harder to find Isabela than she expected. She hadn’t found her that night after talking with Lucifer before it had gotten too late to find her. And then for several days it felt like Isabela was playing a game of keep away.

Finally, Lara just marched up to Isabela’s quarters and rang the chime. She hoped May wasn’t in.

Isabela was very good at avoiding people when she wanted to, even on a starship where she only had so many places to hide in. She didn’t know what had happened with the conversation between Lucifer and Lara, and she was honestly scared to death of what had transpired. On the one hand, she’d clearly lost her touch if Lara didn’t want her. On the other, she was afraid of being loved, believed she didn’t deserve it and preferred to run whenever things would start heading that way. Which was why she’d stopped hitting on Lara for the most part. Isabela was in full retreat.

She was in bed, mostly empty bottle of alcohol in hand, staring up at the ceiling when she heard the chime of someone being at the door. She was the only one in currently and groaned. She wanted to pretend she wasn’t there, assuming it was someone looking for May. But she finally got up and went to the door, opening it.

“May’s not-” Isabela started, then cut herself off when she saw Lara was there. Oh bugger it all. “Uh, hello.”

Lara opened her mouth to say something, then closed it and thought better of it. Instead, she pushed Isabela back into the quarters, and kissed her as soon as the door swished.

Of all the potential things she’d thought Lara would say or do, kissing her had definitely not been among them. She was both caught off-guard and taken aback by it. Was this a good thing? Or had Isabela fallen asleep and was just dreaming this? Either way, she decided to just go with it, and if it was a dream or Lara was just giving her a goodbye type of kiss, then she’d deal with it then. So she kissed Lara back.

It hadn’t been Lara’s plan. She’d had things to say. Things that needed to be said. But she also very desperately wanted to kiss Isabela. So she kept kissing her, pushing her towards what she hoped was Bela’s room and not May’s. She’d feel more comfortable, at least, in the relative privacy.

Isabela cracked an eye open and gently changed their trajectory so they were heading for her bedroom. She closed her eye again once the course was righted and she continued to kiss Lara back. However, knowing that Lara was a virgin, she wouldn’t leap right into sex if Lara wasn’t ready for it.

At least Isabela was assuming that the kissing and pushing towards her room meant that Lara was interested in a relationship. She could be wrong, of course, but she liked to think she knew Lara enough to know that she wouldn’t kiss someone without the intent of pursuing something more.

Or maybe Lara was drunk. Isabela hadn’t had enough time to judge that before Lara had started kissing her.

She was pretty sober, only the faintest trace of anything on her breath as she broke the kiss once they were in Isabela’s room. She panted a little, lips full from the pressure and her eyes darting across Isabela’s face.

“So… we need to talk.”

Isabela was less sober, but she held her alcohol well. She wasn’t drunk, but she did have a little buzz going. When Lara broke the kiss, Isabela sobered a bit at what she said. “So it would seem.” Talking about feelings and serious things was not Isabela’s strong suit, so she’d let Lara start.

“Lucifer tells me you want me,” Lara started, not believing in keeping that kind of secret. “Also, water is wet. But the implication was there that you want me for more than just my body.”

She tried to catch Isabela’s eyes with her own. “Is that true?”

Internally, Isabela was screaming. She really didn’t handle these kinds of discussions well. She hated laying her heart bare. She preferred to keep it locked up and properly defended against the world. She was a talented liar, and did it very often, but currently she couldn’t bring herself to lie.

“Yes, that’s true. I want you for more than just sex.” She did meet Lara’s eyes, but she was also highly nervous. She’d convinced herself that this was going to blow up in her face like these things always did.

Bela was being honest, something that Lara appreciated, even if she was a little surprised by it. She wet her lips, rubbing her thumb down Isabela’s cheek. “Okay. Because you quiet the noise in my head. I’m less jumpy around you. I can’t stop thinking about the taste of your lips or the way your skin feels or the way you looked in the pool … I can’t get you out of my head.”

That was frightening, that she already meant that much Lara. Isabela didn’t want to become someone’s rock because she knew she wasn’t that. “Are you so certain you want me? I’m a pretty terrible person who has betrayed friends over something material that I wanted. There are plenty of better people out there that you could have.”

Isabela wasn’t even getting into the fact that Lara was nobility and she was a gutter rat, quite literally.

“I’m worried I’d tie you down. Be some kind of anchor that chokes you to death,” Lara admitted. She was far more concerned about that, than about Isabela being terrible. “You’re a good person, and I want you. But I don’t want you to resent me because you can’t have anyone else.”

“That’s a misconception, but it’s one I purposely put out there. I can be monogamous. I don’t need multiple partners. When I’m interested in someone, I’m interested in them and only them. I just preferred no attachments because I’d sworn off love a long time ago, and if feelings ever happened on one side or the other, I’d run away as fast as possible.” She wondered if that possibility had even crossed Lara’s mind when she’d stopped throwing sexual references at her at every possible opportunity.

“And no, I’m not a good person. I’m a lying, thieving snake. Always have been because it was what I was raised to be. Works well with being a pirate. Not so much in actually having friends or relationships.”

Isabela’s words were actually a huge relief. Lara sighed heavily, taking her hands and squeezing them. “Yet you’ve had friends before. People who’d stand by you. So what if you’ve run away before? Everyone can change and evolve. I wasn’t always the same as I am now.”

“Yes, but I’ve betrayed them all. I betrayed Hawke twice and I’m pretty sure she wants to at the very least punch me in the face. I’m an intensely selfish person at heart, putting my own wants above everyone else’s. Except where love is concerned.” She looked at Lara. “I don’t know if I can change because I don’t know how to be anything other than a lying, thieving snake who betrays her friends for the promise of getting a ship.”

“I haven’t backed away from you yet,” Lara pointed out. “I don’t give up on my friends, or the people I care about. And whether you believe it or not, you’re worthy of being cared about, worthy of love.”

Lara pulled Isabela against her, almost cradling their bodies together. It was easier said than done for her - human contact had never been something she’d been all that comfortable with. Sam had been an exception. Isabela was too.

Her breath caught as Lara pulled her against her. It made her body hum a bit as she gazed at the younger woman. She almost wanted to cry. Almost. She wasn’t the crying type, yet Lara was apparently close to making her one.

“You really are an amazing person. I can count on one hand how many people would even go this length to stop being stupid.” Isabela slid her arms around Lara. “Just don’t you dare call me your rock because I may have to hit you for that.” She possibly wasn’t joking about that.

“I could be your rock,” Lara suggested. “Or would you prefer anchor. Port in a storm?” She leaned into Isabela again, inhaling her scent deeply.

“Just to warn you, I’ve no idea what I’m doing.” Her idea of courtship rituals involved Welsh spoons.

“Port in a storm?” Isabela couldn’t help but to chuckle about that. “That’s a good one.” She was amused by those terms. Though she glanced at Lara. “You think I do? I may have been married before, but it wasn’t a marriage of love. Relationships aren’t exactly something I know much about either.”

“Then we’ll just have to muddle through it together, like normal human beings,” Lara replied. Though neither of them were that normal and neither of them were all that emotionally healthy, if she was blunt about it. But maybe they could compliment each other. “We should at least try.”.”

Isabela definitely wasn’t a normal human being. She licked her lips a bit, not completely certain about all of this, but she couldn’t exactly run from it forever while stuck on this ship. If she were in Thedas, she would definitely be running right now. “I’m really shit at this emotional stuff, but if you’re willing to try, then I am as well. Though I feel I should apologize in advance if I hurt you or something.”

“Don’t.” Lara put her finger over Isabela’s lips. “Don’t apologize for something you’ve not done. Okay?”

She didn’t know what they were supposed to do next. Except maybe send Lucifer a thank you note.

Isabela nodded a bit. “Okay.” Now, under normal circumstances, this would probably be the time when Isabela would take steps to initiate sex. However, she’d let Lara decide if and when she wanted sex. She wasn’t going to push the topic, she could wait. At least, so long as there was sex somewhere in the future. Isabela didn’t speak never-gets-sex-again, after all.

“Do you want to kiss me now?” Lara asked, reaching her hand around and stroking the back of Isabela’s neck.

Isabela shivered at Lara’s touch. “Yes, I would.” She leaned closer and kissed Lara, her arms wrapping around her and holding her close.

Their first kiss had been kind of a goodbye kiss. Their second had been kind of desperate. This one was just a little desperate but not the same kind. She shivered against Isabela, suddenly nervous. Four hundred men dead at her hands and this made her nervous?

This kiss was definitely different than the first two. Isabela didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. She continued to hold Lara close, rubbing her back a little. She kept kissing her, but she didn’t press for more. She’d let Lara dictate where they went from here.

Lara rubbed her fingers in a slow circle around on Isabela’s back, torn between a very real desire to have her way with Isabela, and not wanting to rush things. She wasn’t manipulative enough to string Isabela along and see if she really meant that she’d wait.

And it didn’t help that Lara was inquisitive and imaginative and ever since she’d met Isabela she’d been inquisitive and imaginative about her. Considering she could count on one hand how many people were on that list, the speed surprised her.

Isabela made a sound that was very close to a purr as Lara’s fingers rubbed in a slow circle. Even if Lara would string her along to see if she’d actually wait, Isabela wouldn’t really care. Of course, depending on how long it went on for and how frustrated Isabela got, she could break somewhere along the way. She trailed a hand up Lara’s back slowly.

Lara finally broke the kiss and gazed at her as she struggled to catch her breath. If nothing else, she found herself craving human contact in a way she had been ignoring since Yamatai and coming on board the Enterprise. “Can we lay down?I can’t promise anything, but I don’t want to leave.”

“Of course, and don’t worry, I can wait until you’re ready.” Isabela then moved to lay down on the bed, pulling Lara with her. She pulled Lara close, rubbing her back gently, her fingers brushing over the puncture scar, though it wasn’t intentional.

Lara had paused only long enough to tug her tank top off and kick off her pants, before she let Isabela pull her in with her. She curled in against her, kissing her shoulder lightly and letting out a very sharp breath when Isabela touched her scar. It inspired a similar reaction to the pool - shock and pleasure both.

Isabela’s finger traced around the scar for a couple moments before she gently caressed it. This was not something she’d anticipated happening, or that she’d ever really have. Many of her past lovers hadn’t really been the cuddling type, and normally Isabela herself wasn’t the cuddling type. But this was different. She liked holding Lara like this.

The breath turned into a soft groan, Lara pressing against Isabela and squirming just a bit. It felt so good, and yet she wanted to cry. Her fingers dug into Isabela’s tunic and she buried her face in against her neck.

She trailed a hand up to brush her fingers through Lara’s hair. Comforting was something she didn’t think she was good at, but she tried. Her fingers gently caressed the puncture scar for a few more moments before she slid her fingers along Lara’s skin, finding another scar to caress.
“I’m sorry.” Lara nuzzled her nose into Isabela. She didn’t know why she was even apologizing, only that she felt like she needed to. For being too much to handle, for being vulnerable. She hated feeling like this.

“Why are you apologizing? You haven’t done anything wrong.” If anyone should apologize, it should be Isabela for how she’d turned tail and ran away from the potential of this moment. But even with that she couldn’t completely be blamed. After all, it was her tendency to run away from anything and everything remotely serious. She didn’t exactly have an upbringing that taught her that love actually meant something. In her experience, love was hollow and given conditionally.

“I don’t even know. I know you’re not one for… this kind of thing. I’m not particularly touchy myself. But I… rather need this.” She lifted her head to look down at Isabela.

“I may not be good at this sort of thing, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to try for someone I care about.” Isabela looked up at Lara, hoping that made sense.

From the expression on Lara’s face, it might just have made sense. She lowered her head, laying back down. “Soon,” she promised.

And if Isabela kept touching her like that, soon might be measured in days and not weeks.

Isabela gently rubbed Lara’s back. “When you are ready. Don’t rush into it on my account. I want you to be fully ready for it.” Even if that meant Isabela would get a bit sexually frustrated, but that’s what masturbation was for, right?

“Are you sure?”

“Of course I am. I’d rather wait and you be certain you are ready, than to have you jump into it and potentially regret it later because you weren’t ready or something.” And if Lara as never ready for sex? Well, Isabela would just have to deal with it if it came to that.

Apparently, Lara needed to hear that out loud. She’d been half prepared to offer herself to Isabela when she’d come in earlier, but now that they were here she realized she wasn’t actually ready.

She didn’t think she’d ever actually be fully ready, but it would be a matter of jumping in feet first and seeing how it went. “You really are amazing.”