InsaneJournal

Skye wasn't entirely sure where she was, she couldn't even remember getting into bed but she knew that's where she was because her head was on a pillow. It might as well have been a rock though because there was a very noticeable ache in her head. It took a second for her to remember what she'd done the night before, she'd drunk, a lot and alone. She'd been upset by the things Raina had said and she'd wanted Grant but he said he was busy and it had only caused her to become more upset to the point that even though he said he'd be by later she'd drunk herself into a stupor in next to no time. A headache was the least she deserved in her mind.

As awareness started to creep back into her she became aware of something unusual or maybe it wasn't. She wasn't alone in her bed. For one horrible second she thought maybe she'd stumbled out of her room and found a random stranger who had no qualms in hooking up with an incredibly drunk girl but she was fully clothed, much to her relief. But there was definitely someone else in her bed with her.

She took a moment to try and piece together anything from her fuzzy recollection of the night before. She had a vague memory of crying into someone, Grant, he'd come by after she'd already drunk over half a bottle so she hadn't even really realized it was him or she'd more to the point she'd been so out of it that she'd put it down to her mind playing tricks on her. It wasn't a trick though, he had been here and he'd stayed with her. She was tucked up close to him with his arm slung across her waist, his body curled around her almost protectively and that realisation caused a small sob to escape her. She'd been awful to him and he'd still stayed, she was no better than anyone else in his life, she felt sick to her stomach and it had nothing to do with the amount of alcohol she'd consumed.

She knew she wouldn't be able to move without waking him, even at her most stealthy there would be no way to extract herself from his arms without him realizing. So she had to face how she'd acted and just hope she hadn't done too much damage. Gently she reached down and laced her fingers through his, holding the hand that was laid over her waist. She glanced over her shoulder to find he was already awake, she could feel the tears in her eyes already and she knew she wouldn't be able to stop them once they started. “I'm so sorry,” she whispered to him, dropping her gaze, too ashamed of herself to even meet his eyes.

He had woken as soon as she moved, her hands lacing in his own and for a moment he didn’t know what to do. He lay there for a few seconds more, until she spoke. Until she apologised. He blinked. Apologised to him? He shook his head, squeezing her hand. “Skye you don’t need to apologise to me. Not for anything. Okay? You were upset and I should have been here. I’m sorry I wasn’t.”

He had made the wrong call. And it was bothering him. Though talking to Raina had helped. It had given him clarity on some things. He knew more about his future now and none of it had surprised him any. It made sense it would have played out like that. He had been ready for the anger, for her to tell him he should have been here earlier, for her to incriminate him, tell him he he should been there when she asked. He knew it was true.

“Can I get you anything, water? Can I make you something for breakfast. You should eat, just something small. Bacon, I can make you bacon? I’m sure they have bacon.” He was overcompensating. But he needed her to feel safe, content. Then she wouldn’t think she needed to apologise to him.

Even with her eyes turned away from him she caught the way he shook his head, she felt him squeeze her hand and all it did was make her feel worse. “I do,” she said quietly, so quiet it would have been easy to miss it. “You said you had something important to do, I shouldn’t have… I shouldn’t have made you feel bad for having other things to do. I have no right to make demands of you, I’m sorry for all of it.”

She closed her eyes and tried to ignore the growing feeling inside her chest but it was getting difficult. She knew she had no real claim to him, nothing that meant he had to come running any time she called. She knew she shouldn’t have acted like that but she’d wanted just one person to make her feel like she mattered and so she’d contacted him. She wished she could take it all back, she wished she hadn’t let what Raina said get to her but she couldn’t stop those fears from creeping out of the shadows and wrapping around her like an unwanted companion.

“In a minute. I just want to stay here, like this. Just for a minute,” she said softly, voice shaking slightly as she tried to hold herself together. The cracks in the surface had spread, she felt weak and fragile and it had nothing to do with the drink. Without letting go of his hand she turned and buried her head against his chest, attempting to stifle the small sob that slipped from her as she did. She was pathetic, of course no one would want her, she was pathetic and useless and he’d see it before too long and leave her just like everyone else.

“It’s not about that.” He said as she turned to face him, her head buried in his chest. Instinctively almost, he stroked her hair, making sure she knew she was safe. He didn’t want her to cry. He couldn’t  help her and it bothered him more than he let on. “You can make demands on me, I owe you. I owe you a lot for everything I put you through and I won’t let you feel bad for needing me with you here. I should have been here. I should have just dropped what I was doing.”

Raina had said it was good he’d made a choice and stuck to it. Weirdly the woman was being...well, still complicated. It was Raina. But she’d made sense. And he’d listened. He’d needed to know what she knew and she seemed to be forthcoming with information. He didn’t think she’d been lying either. There’d be nothing to gain here and a lot to lose if she was ever found to be lying.

“Hey..look at me.” He said finally, still stroking her hair. “You’re going to be fine. It’s...a lot to take in. It’s messy. And I dropped a lot on you before. So don’t feel bad if you’re not yourself right now, I’d be surprised if you were. But I’ll take care of you today if you’ll let me. I won’t go anywhere. I’ll be here. Okay? ...I mean, if you want me to be?”

“Then what is it about?” She asked, confused by his words, it seemed to be her almost constant state of being at the moment. When she felt him stroke her hair she curled into him more, needing to be as close to him as she possibly could. “I shouldn’t though, I don’t have any right to. You’re not mine to make demands of or anything. You’re your own person, you have your own stuff and that comes first. I don’t want you dropping things because I’m weak.”

She didn’t want to be that person who expected others to come running when she called, she especially didn’t want him to think that she was. It had hurt when he had said he was busy but only because her own twisted mind took that to mean he didn’t want her, that he no longer cared for her and that he’d leave her just like everyone else in her life had. She choked back another small sob as she tried to quiet that voice in her head.

When he spoke she looked up, tears streaming down her face, she didn’t want to cry but she couldn’t stop. “It’s not about what you said it’s… something Raina said just brought some stuff up and… I...I thought… it doesn’t matter,” she said trailing off, blinking to try and clear her vision a little. “I… I want that, I want you here with me, if that’s okay with you.”

She was honestly worried about how he’d feel. She was apologising to him for it and it confused him. She didn’t ever need to apologise and she didn’t need to think he was here with her out of pity. He was here because he wanted to be. There was nowhere else he’d rather be.

“But I want to. Be here for you I mean. That was the only thing I needed to do and it was for other reasons. But don’t ever tell me you’re weak. You’re stronger than anyone I know. You’ve come through so damn much. You’re brave in ways I can’t even imagine being capable of. So don’t feel like you’ve done anything wrong. You haven’t.”

He still felt like there was more he could have done. Like if he’d just been more aware of what she needed he could have anticipated it. Planned better. But he’d asked Raina to meet out of a sheer need to find out what she remembered that he didn’t.

“I’ll stay with you. Long as you need. I’ll be here. If you need to talk or just to lie here.”

He couldn’t think beyond this right now, beyond the comfort of having her in his arms. The hand stroking her hair moved to wipe the tears from her eyes. “Whatever she said, whatever it was that got you feeling like this. If you want to talk about it, do. If not then we do something else. Or we just lie here like this. It's nice. It’s calming, isn’t it?”

Of course she was worried about how he’d feel, she would never stop worrying about that because she cared for him deeply and she knew what she’d done, the words she’d used would pull at the conditioning he’d been through. Some part of her had known exactly what she was doing when she’d said what she had and that was what she was really struggling with, she’d used what she knew against him and she hated herself for it.

“I don’t need to know your reasons, it’s your life you can do what you want when you want, Grant. But you’re wrong, I’m not strong, not really. I’m weak and broken and that’s why no one wants me, that’s why they always leave or push me away. I try to be strong, try to be brave but I can’t keep doing it. I can’t.”

It hadn’t been this bad in a long time, not since before she’d met Miles and she’d been really messed up back then. She’d thought she’d moved passed it all but those fears had just been lurking, waiting to pounce again and they’d dug their claws in deep again.

“I need to… I need to know someone will always be there, that there’s one person who isn’t going to leave me but it’s not fair to expect anyone to do that, to make a promise like that.

She closed her eyes and leaned into his touch as he wiped her tears away, it didn’t do much because more came to take their place. “You already know what it is, why I feel like this. It’s the Brody’s all over again but worse because… please, don’t make me say it,” she whispered as she opened her eyes again. “It is nice, I… I wanted this for so long but now I don’t know if I should, I don’t know. I just…I wish it wasn’t like this.”

“Oh Skye, you’re not weak. You’re not broken. I know you feel like that. I know you feel like there’s no way things can get better from here, but you know better, don’t you?”

He hadn’t realised. Oh he knew her past. They’d talked about it. They’d shared things. But he hadn’t realised how bad things had gotten for her. And everything with him, all he’d told her, it might just have been the last straw. Her tears were falling faster now, and she told him why it was so bad. She’d wanted this, wanted him. And he’d torn her world down.

“I can’t promise to be there forever. I know that. But I promise I’ll never willingly abandon you. It’s something, right? I’ll never walk away.”

He just wanted to see her smile again. He owed her that and so much more with it. Which was why the inadvisable move followed next. He leaned in, his nose meeting hers for just a moment before he tilted his head slightly to kiss her softly on the lips. But unlike her kisses from yesterday, he didn’t pull back. He wanted her to know she was loved. That she mattered, and this was all he knew of how to do that when she was crying. Despondent.

“I am, I must be because there’s no other reason why no one ever wanted me, why they all left. I want to believe things can get better but it’s so hard to keep hoping.”

She’d never told anyone how had it had been before, not even Miles had known the true extent of her insecurities and fears and she’d thought she had been in love with him but she wasn’t so sure now. What she felt for Ward, the way she’d found herself opening up to him, it felt different than anything she’d had before but it had all been a lie or at the least built on a foundation of lies. It couldn’t last but she wanted it to, she wanted it to so badly it made her heart ache.

“Okay,” she whispered softly, not trusting herself to say anything else, she felt like she was going to break down fully any second.

When he leaned in she stopped breathing, not entirely sure what he was doing but the moment his nose brushed hers and he started kissing her everything else seemed to melt away. She shifted in an attempt to get closer, letting the kiss sweep her up and chase away some of her fear. She could still feel the tears on her cheeks, they might have still been falling but he was kissing her and it helped. It helped more than she wanted to admit, she still cared, she still wanted him even after all she’d found out.

It was weak. It was dangerous, it was everything John had always warned him against doing. But he’d kissed her once already and he’d so badly wanted to do it again but assumed he never could. He was a monster, he was vicious, he killed when ordered to do so. He manipulated, lied. No woman would want him, least of all one as wonderful and as good a person as Skye was. He let the kiss deepen as soon as she kissed back. He wasn’t going to press her any further. Not right now. Not unless she wanted more than that.

He needed to think, he needed to consider if this was wise, for either of them. His hand moved up, back to her hair, running through it as he continued the kiss, surfacing for air once in awhile and pulling her closer as he went through the million reasons this would never work out.

Some part of her knew she should have pulled back, should have stopped him but it was a tiny part and she didn’t want to listen to it. Ever since he’d kissed her she’d wanted him to do it again, she’d wanted to feel his lips against hers and just for those few moments know with absolute certainty that someone wanted her for her and not because of what she could do for them or any of the other myriad reasons people had in the past. When he deepened the kiss she responded in kind, let it happen and made a soft little noise as she did. This was everything she needed right now, just this to know that someone cared.

She settled into it as it went on, shifting closer and reaching up with her free hand to tangle her fingers through his hair in a mirror to his in hers. She knew she’d need to breathe properly soon, it couldn’t last forever but she didn’t want it to end. She didn’t care what he’d done, didn’t care about anything in that moment, she only cared that he was kissing her.

“Grant,” she whispered against his lips, hoping he’d get that she needed more air, that she needed to stop even if it was just so she could catch her breath for a moment.

He pulled back when she said to, gaze locked with hers, hand still tangled in her hair. His breath came in heavy bursts, he’d put so much into the kiss. This was when he could be the most honest with her, when it didn’t seem to matter to her just who he really was or what he had done. It was probably unhealthy to get this close this quickly but he needed her to know she was loved more than he could put into words. This is how he knew to show that. She was still curled up against him and he couldn’t help hooking a leg to pull her in that little bit closer. He found being near her, touching her arm, anything, it meant the world to him and he couldn’t explain quite what she’d done to him to make him feel so content in such a short time.

When he was here like this, just for a little while, it didn’t matter anymore. Nothing did. He felt stronger with her, deceptive as that was. Giving in to his weakness, well, he found he couldn’t help it, and while he was trapped here, he needed her as much as she needed him.

“It can be just this...it should be just this.” He kissed her again, softly this time and pulled back moments later without letting it deepen any.

“I know it’s...frankly a terrible idea. You and me, like this, with everything. But I need you to know I’m here. I need you to know I don’t ever plan to walk away. Not willingly. You have me, even if you have no one else, just remember you have me.”

For what someone like him was worth anyway.

When he pulled back she took in a gasping breath, her eyes on his, not moving away any more than she had to. Her heart was hammering in her chest from the intensity of the moment. It was real and genuine, when he kissed her she knew it meant something, knew that he meant it. She shouldn’t let it happen but she wanted it, she still wanted him even after everything. The way he made her feel when he kissed her, it wiped away all her fears, she knew he cared and that was all she ever wanted was to know someone cared. She didn’t resist when he pulled her closer, she went willingly and pressed herself into him as much as she dared. This is what she needed, it was what she’d needed last night but now she was glad he hadn’t been here because in the state she’d been in last night she wouldn’t have wanted to stop at just a kiss.

She felt safe with him but more than that she felt wanted and it was a feeling she’d been chasing her entire life. She was damaged and broken, she knew she was but she didn’t feel quite as bad when she was with him. Maybe it was because he was like her, because he was damaged too, whatever it was she wanted to hold onto it tight and never let go.

“Just this,” she whispered back, leaning into the kiss, letting him brush away her fears. When he pulled back she stayed close, her nose brushing against his as she shared his space.

“Maybe it is a terrible idea but I don’t care. I don’t care what anyone thinks or says. I want this, I want you. I know I probably shouldn’t but I do, I have done for so long. And the thought of… of losing you…” She trailed off, closing her eyes as she tried not to let those fears in, not now.

Her hand still lingered in his hair, curling into the strands as she used him to anchor herself, to keep the fears from pulling her under again.

Oh he knew that. He didn’t care but he knew how it would be seen. He knew how it would be seen. He knew what people would say if they knew. And he didn’t want that for her. So he needed her to think. “I want you to do something for me.” He let his fingers trail along her arm. “I want you to think about all this. When you’re feeling better, when you’re alone. Think about all of it, what I did, what I’m capable of doing. Don’t decide that you want this right away. I’m not going to let you decide something like this when I’m kissing you. When we’re like this.” He needed to be sure. He needed her to be absolutely sure. Because this would hurt her if she wasn’t careful. He would hurt her. It’s what he did. He’d find a way to mess this up somehow.

He knew what he wanted. He wanted her. He’d wanted her for a while now. But it had almost seemed like a dream. An impossible dream.

“Till then though…”

She was so beautiful. His kissed her again, all passion and need. Holding her close.

The problem was with her thinking often became overthinking and then her fears came into play and she’d spiral. It was better if she didn’t think if she just acted but then sometimes she acted without all the facts and that was often worse. “I don’t need to think, I know what I want,” she said softly, sighing at the feeling of his fingers trailing along her arm. “But I will because you want me to. Because you asked me to I’ll do it.” The fact of the matter was she already had thought about it, ever since he’d told her the truth she’d thought about all of it. What he’d done, the things he’d done were horrible but she knew why he’d done them. It didn’t excuse them but she understood. And he was still the guy she’d fallen for with just a few subtle differences.

She wouldn’t change her mind on this, she knew she wouldn’t but she’d do what he wanted. She would think on things more and then she’d tell him what she wanted.

“I like the sound of till then.”

She kissed him back, getting swept up in the passion of it. She shifted in his arms, eliminating any space between them in the process.