InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Let's hear it for the boy!"

Skye didn’t really want to do this but she knew it needed to come out, if she kept what she knew to herself it would eat her up inside and she wanted to tell Ward what had happened between them in that closet when she’d thought they were likely going to die. She needed to tell him everything and she wanted to do it face to face because she’d seen how he’d taken it back home, as much as seeing that look on his face again would kill her she needed to be with him when he found out, she wanted to be there for him. She was already worried about him and as far as she knew he had no idea what she was going to tell him, he said he had an idea but she didn’t know how he could.

She’d told him she needed to make a stop but she hadn’t told him what for, a bottle of scotch, she had no idea if he’d agree to a drink but she wanted to try. Back in that closet he’d agreed to it but she didn’t know if he would now. She hoped he would, she wanted to kiss him again, kiss him properly not that quick chaste kiss they’d shared in that closet. But she didn’t know if she could, if she told him what she knew he might push her away. She couldn’t stand the thought of that but she couldn’t keep the truth from him.

With the bottle and two glasses in hand she stood outside of what she hoped was Ward’s door. She was nervous for so many reasons, she felt nauseated she was so nervous but she had to get this over with sooner rather than later. Secrets didn’t do anyone any good. She was chewing on her lips as the door opened, the tiniest hint of a smile played across her face as she looked up at him, making sure the bottle was in view. “Drink?”

He couldn’t do this.

If she knew about John, did she know about him. Was this a con? Was this a way to kill him, get it done. Keeping him from hurting people here. He wouldn’t hurt her, never her. But the things he did, the lies he’d told. The hurt he’d brought to so many and it had been hidden. In the shadows. And Skye, of all people, how could he do this? Could he lie? Should he lie?

John would tell him to lie. But John wasn’t here and that thought terrified him.

What was he supposed to do? Without orders? Without a guiding hand. Who was he now? There was no plan and he’d spent the past few minutes trying to work out what John would want. John would call him weak for this, for not anticipating. Not figuring it out.

When Skye got there though, he couldn’t help but smile. God she was beautiful, and she’d brought a drink. He remembered before, the drink she’d wanted to get with him. His rookie, she’d come so far in such a short time. It wasn’t fair. She’d hate him. She’d have every right to.

“A drink would be good.”

He needed to do this right. If there was a right way to do this.

There was a part of her that thought Ward had to know about Garrett, on some level he had to have known but maybe he didn’t. Maybe he had no clue whatsoever that his S.O had been a traitor, that he’d been the man they’d been after all this time. He couldn’t know. Or could he? Honestly she wasn’t sure which would be better.

The sight of the smile on his face did little to calm her nerves. Something seemed off, she couldn’t quite put her finger on it but she had a feeling she was missing something. Maybe it was just being in this place, it was weird and futuristic but at the same time familiar because it looked so much like something she’d seen in a show. Whatever it was she chose to ignore it, at least for the moment.

For now she was worried about Ward and what she had to tell him. This was going to crush him but maybe the alcohol would help soften the blow.

“I have no idea if it’s any good but it’s a drink,” she said with a soft smile. “So… can I come in?”

He could have said no. Said he couldn’t do this, bought himself more time. Instead he smiled at her, letting her walk into the room and patted the seat beside him. “I don’t think we need glasses, this is a ‘from the bottle’ situation isn’t it?”

He was going to have to tell her and god she would hate him so much. Or…

No, he had to. At least her, maybe she’d understand. Maybe she of all people would be able to see that he’d had no other option. Loyalty to the man who had saved him from hell.

He just wanted to lock them both away from the world, from home, from this place. From all of it. He wanted to hold her hand, to kiss her, to tell her everything that was in his heart. But woe word and it would all shatter. Everything was so confusing already.

“...tell me what you need to. But first...I need to ask you...about us? About if you and me if we go for that drink? If you ever realise how I feel about you?”

She walked into his room and followed him over to take a seat beside him. Her own smile faltered a little bit when he said about drinking from the bottle. “Let’s start with the glasses, just for now, okay. Then if you feel like you want to drink straight from the bottle you can.”

Her worry for him was growing, he knew something was up, he had to.

She didn’t know how to start this conversation, she’d never had to tell someone that someone they respected was a liar and a traitor. She didn’t want to hurt him but she was going to.

A part of her wanted to do what he’d mentioned and just ignore it. Pretend she didn’t know anything and just sit with him, have that drink and pluck up the courage to actually kiss him like she wanted to. She wanted to see if it felt the same as it had before.

“We haven’t gone for that drink yet but we said we would… after… after I kissed you in a closet in the Hub. And I have a little idea about how you feel but we didn’t really get the chance to discuss it yet.”

“I didn’t think I was your type. I guess, I thought I was too boring y’know?”

And he was her type of course, everybody’s type. He was who he needed to be. But he had been most honest, truly honest with Skye, and that mattered to him. He knew it was something John wasn’t okay with but he’d hoped and prayed he could make it work. He knew how he couldn’t.

But as she talked, he smiled. He couldn’t help it. She’d kissed him.

He needed it. He needed to know. And so he moved closer to her, hand raised to her face and kissed her gently on the lips. He was going to ruin it all, but he needed just one kiss, one passionate beautiful moment before their world came tumbling down.

“Skye” he murmured against her lips before moving his tongue to tease at her lips figuring if this was his one shot he was going to make it count. Going to kiss her as himself, not as a boring version of himself that could have never made a move like this. She was going to get the real Grant Ward before she grew to hate him like he deserved.

“You should really look up boring in a dictionary,” she said with a soft chuckle.

It was exactly what he’d called himself back in that closet. She’d never thought he was boring, not once had she ever thought that. She’d thought he was a toolbag to start with but she’d never thought he was boring and once she’d actually got to know him she’d realized he was so much more than what she’d thought.

Her own smile grew when he smiled at her, she’d always liked his smile.

When he moved it caught her by surprise but she didn’t move away, she leaned into his hand, kissed him back. She could give him this, a moment of happiness before she ruined everything with what she needed to tell him.

“Grant,” she murmured back, responding to his tongue teasing her lips, letting him deepen the kiss as she shifted a little closer to him. Her hand came up to rest at the back of his neck, her fingers slipping into his hair, wanting to get as close as she could to him, to let this moment last a little longer. It was nothing like he expected but at the same time it was exactly what she thought it would be like

His free hand trailed at her side, touching skin as her top moved with her as she leaned in. She was amazing and he was about to ruin all of it, here in this world where HYDRA didn’t mean a damn thing. But he had no other recourse. He didn’t have John, he only had her and Fitz.

He let the kiss deepen as she wanted, picking up the pace, still not forceful by any means but most definitely falling under the definition of hot and heavy. He didn’t want this to end but he couldn’t do this. He couldn’t build this on a lie. He pulled back, sliding away from her burying his head in his hands for a few moments.

When he raised them again his eyes had glazed over. Cold. Impassive.

“...Say it, Skye. Say what you came here to say”.

She made a soft nose as his hand touched her skin. It sent a shiver up her spine, his fingers warm against the exposed skin. She hadn’t come here to do this, well not exactly but there was no denying it was what she wanted, what she had wanted for a while now.

This was definitely no chaste, nothing like the kiss they’d shared before, this was what she’d imagined their first kiss might be like. It stole her breath away and she wanted to keep kissing him until she couldn’t breathe. But then he was pulling away, moving away from her and it was awful, she could only look over as he buried his head in his hands.

She was still breathing a little heavily when he finally looked over at her. The look on his face made ice flow through her veins, she recognized it for what it was, he was shutting her out.

“Grant,” she said softly, reaching out to take his hand, hoping he’d at least allow her that as she ruined his world. “I’m so sorry. I wish I didn’t have to tell you this but… Garrett, he’s HYDRA, he’s the Clairvoyant, always has been. I’m so sorry.”

So, there it was. They knew about John but not him. He could leave it, cry into her shoulder, kiss her, he could have it all. He could have her. He should, he deserved something, he’d done so much for one man and why could he not have something for himself. Someone that could grow to love him.

He went to take her hand but he couldn’t quite do it. He couldn’t do that.

“...I know he is.” He said at barely an audible level. The cold gaze turning to her but tinged with...something, with regret.

“I know because…”

He could barely think. Barely speak.

“I’m HYDRA Skye...He’s HYDRA. And he sent me to Coulson. To the team. Skye I’m sorry…”

He didn’t want to see that look, pity turned to disgust but he needed to. He deserved to see that, to be hated by her. He deserved all of it and more.

She waited for him to break, to look like she’d seen him in that corridor when they’d lead Garrett away but he didn’t. Maybe he was in shock, maybe he didn’t believe her. Whatever it was once it sunk in she’d be here for him because she cared about him, she cared about him more than she had for anyone else in a really long time.

She saw him go to take her hand and stop, it hurt her more than she wanted to admit.

“What?” She asked, not entirely sure she’d heard him right. The look in his eyes wasn’t what she’d expected.

She looked at him trying to make sense of what he said.

None of this made sense.

“No… no you can’t be. No… you’re not… you’re, Grant. No, no… oh god, no.”

Her vision had blurred, she could feel the tears burning her eyes, a lump in her throat. She pulled her hand back, standing up and looking down at him shaking her head a little. “Please no… tell me you’re lying, please, Grant.”

Well he’d fucked this up already. Though how exactly had he thought this would go.

“I wish I could tell you I was lying. You don’t know what I’ve….”

She stood up and he got to his feet too, hands held out, trying to show he wasn’t a threat to her. Of course it wasn’t going to work, she’d never believe him now. He staggered back slightly, the coldness having faded from his eyes replaced with sheer desperation.

“I was fifteen Skye. Fifteen when he found me. The files don’t say that. But he found me, he saved my life. I owed him everything. Everything I was, so when he told me five years later he worked for a secret organisation within SHIELD...what else was I going to do? What else could I do?”

Weakness. It was weakness, she was weakness. He knew it. He could hear the voice in his head telling him so and even without John here, he knew it.

“...I know how hard this is to hear. I never thought I would feel for someone the way I do for you...I never imagined I was capable of it. Skye...please don’t look at me like that>”

Her head was spinning, this wasn’t what she’d thought he’d say. This couldn’t be real.

She just stared at him when he started talking, she didn’t know he said but he didn’t finish his sentence.

She could feel the tears start to slip down her cheeks as he stood. Her eyes dropped to his hands before going back to his face. She didn’t know what to do, raking a hand back through her hair as she tried to keep herself from hyperventilating. This was too much.

“Found you? What.... what do you mean?” She said trying to make sense of all of this. She’d read his file it didn’t say anything about anything he’d need to be saved from. It said about military school and the academy. But… was he saying it was faked? “What?”

She moved a couple of steps to the other side of the seat they’d been sat on needing to move, to try and help process what she was hearing.

“You know? How…. you can’t know how hard this is. What do you mean the way you feel for me? What… I… and I’m not looking at you like anything,” she said, tears flowing more freely now as she took in a shaky breath as a small sob slipped from her.

He was so good at reading people, so good at leading someone into a lie but honesty. He couldn’t make it work in his head. His life, his training had been built on hiding the truth, hiding the hurt. Hiding anything real. Except with her.

“I haven’t lied to you. I’ve...okay I’ve hidden parts of me. But I haven’t lied to you because...you understand. I told you about my brothers. About Christian and what he did, but I don’t know if I told you the worst of it. That it wasn’t him that hurt Thomas...he was crueller than that. He made me do it. Thomas looked up to me, he needed me to protect him, and Christian…he took that away. He said he’d do worse if I didn’t. So...when my even more fucked up parents sent me off to military school, I came back, with petrol, with matches. I burned the house down and I thought maybe then they’d learn. Maybe they’d see…”

Weak. Weak.

“Skye, they took me to juvie. My life was over at fifteen. Christian was pushing for me to be tried as an adult and John he came into the place with an offer. He said it'd be hard, he said it’d make or break me but he could make me something worthwhile. Stronger. No one would be able to hurt me anymore. He offered me a chance and I took it. I said yes because what else was there, what else deserved my loyalty but a man who offered me another option.”

This was a betrayal of everything he knew and yet once he’d started he couldn't stop.

“Five years I spent. Living in the woods, becoming someone that wouldn’t be pushed around anymore. He taught me everything I know, he didn’t shield me from the worst parts of life, he taught me to fight the weaknesses I had and I have a lot of those. He saved me from a hell, he gave me everything Skye, so how could I betray him when I found out the whole story. I couldn’t. I won’t...no matter what happens.”

He’d done horrible things for John, for HYDRA because it had been asked of him and he fully expected he’d have done more if they were still at home.

“Look at us, look at this place. I didn’t have to tell you. You’d never have believed it from anyone else and I could have had it all...I could have been what you wanted, you saw more of the real me than anyone has in a long time and we could have been more. But I didn’t want to build anything on a lie. You see that don’t you? You know how I feel about you and I swear, I swear on everything I am that it’s not a lie. That’s not a lie.”

He took a step toward her, hands still held out.

“I know you hate me. That look on your face, I never wanted to see it, betrayal. You can’t believe it, you want me to be lying, you want it to be a prank, a horrible cruel prank. But, please don’t hate me. I know you have every right, but please, please believe that I’m not lying to you?”

This didn’t make sense, none of this made sense and she felt sick. Sick because this couldn’t be real, it couldn’t, she couldn’t have feelings for a traitor. They had a connection, she trusted him and this… this meant it had all been a lie. She’d confided in him and now she didn’t know what to think.

When he went on she just stared at him, shaking her head softly as she tried to take it all in, the tears still falling from her eyes as she took in shaky breathes. She didn’t know what to think, didn’t know what he was trying to tell her because she could barely hear though the sound of her own heartbeat in her ears. “Oh… oh god… I…,” she muttered, not even sure if she was speaking loud enough for him to hear, she wasn’t really sure if she was speaking aloud.

She looked at him, eyes wide and filled with tears. She tried to focus on what he was saying, on the words she knew he was speaking but she couldn’t, she couldn’t hear him properly and she knew it was because she was in shock. This wasn’t how this was supposed to go. She was supposed to have told him and he was supposed to have broken down, then she would have comforted him and they could have… she didn’t know what she’d been expecting but it hadn’t been this.

Her eyes flicked from him to the room around them, something in her brain registering what he’d said about this place but it still didn’t make any sense, she still couldn’t quite grasp what he was saying. Some of it filtered in the bit about having it all, being what she wanted. She shook her head gently, her hair falling in front of her face. “I don’t know, I don’t know how you feel,” she said softly, that part having made it through. “I asked you but you haven’t… you haven’t said how…”

When he stepped forward she froze, every muscle in her body tensing as she wondered what he was going to do.

“I don’t… I don’t hate you. I don’t… I can’t. I didn’t even… I need to… I need to sit… can I? Just need… oh god,” she trailed off, looking from him to the seat for a second feeling lightheaded as she felt her chest begin to tighten. “I…I…” She stumbled backwards hitting something and nearly fell, arms going out to stop herself as she tried to organize the mess of thoughts racing through her brain. This was too much, too much information to process at once she couldn’t get it straight in her head and she wouldn’t be able to if he kept talking without giving her a moment to even register any of what he was saying.

“Too much,” she said softly, looking a lot like a startled animal caught out in the open, a wild look in her eyes as her brain tried to catch up with everything.

Oh wow he’d fucked up.

“I’m sorry.”

He’d talked too much, spilled everything that he’d been thinking, kept talking and talking and it had made things worse. When Skye nearly fell he followed his instincts, reaching out to steady her, desperate that she be okay. He’d never wanted to hurt her. Not for a moment. And yet once he’d caught her, he didn’t quite know what to do.

“Please believe I’d never hurt you Skye. Not ever.”

He’d frozen. Eyes locked on hers, desperate for...for something, acceptance, understanding. He wanted just to be kissing her again. Just to feel that feeling he had just moments ago. His chance, slipping through his fingers once again. He needed her to believe him. He needed her to see him as someone worth saving.

“Say something?” He finally said, moving his hands away and stepping back a little bit. “I haven’t said what? What do you want to know?”

She blinked at him, he was apologizing. That… she hadn’t expected that.

Her brain was still reeling, still trying to compute all the information that he’d thrown at her. She couldn’t even figure out why he was apologizing to her exactly. Nothing was making sense so when he reached out for her she didn’t realize, not until he was right there stopping her from falling. More tears slipped from her eyes as she shook her head and looked down to where he’d tried to steady her.

“No… no, please.

She could barely see through the tears in her eyes as she looked back at him, so utterly confused by all this. She wanted to undo this all, go back and start again and just pretend she hadn’t heard what he’d said, that she hadn’t heard him say he was a traitor as well. She just wanted things to go back to how they were, she wanted to go back to just five minutes ago when she’d been kissing him hoping that his hand would slip further under her shirt. But that wasn’t possible.

“I… I,” she stammered, not really sure what he was expecting her to say. She didn’t even know what to say. She stepped back when he moved away, bumping into something behind her again. “You said I know how you feel about me… I don’t. I don’t know, I never knew,” she said quietly closing her eyes to try and stop the tears as they continued to fall down her cheeks.

“You really don't know. Skye...I care about you more than I ever have for anyone. You see me, and I know you’ll understand me someday because...you and me, we have a connection, don’t we?”

He probably sounded crazy. He felt it. But he couldn’t let her leave hating him. He couldn’t have her hate him, and then tell Fitz. He couldn’t deal with that too. “Look...please, just stay, ask me what you need to, I won’t ever lie to you, just tell me that there’s a chance that one day you’ll be able to understand, because without you...I don’t know what I have left. I kissed you and I meant it. I meant every second of it and god...Skye, I so badly wanted to just forget the world outside and just let it be us for a while. But I couldn’t. It happened. I needed to tell you and I fucked it up I know that. But I don’t know what else to say.”

She was crying.

“Please don’t. Please just...please just take some time, sit down I can move to the other side of the damn room if that's what you want.”

And then suddenly out of nowhere…

“Can I get you some water, or some of the scotch?”

“I… in the closet you said the reason you didn’t… the reason you didn’t get that drink with me in Dublin was because you didn’t think you could keep things compartmentalized with me but… I didn’t know that meant you felt like that,” she said quietly.

She wanted to believe him, wanted to believe that connection she’d felt was real but she didn’t know if anything was real right then. She didn’t even know if he was telling the truth now. If he’d been HYDRA all this time how could she trust a word out of his mouth? How could she believe anything he said? She couldn’t but at the same time she couldn’t deny what she felt. What they’d shared it had been real, you couldn’t fake that. “I… I can’t promise that… that I’ll understand because I don’t even know what to think. God, this is a mess. Why? Why didn’t you tell me the truth before? You say you care about me but you lied to me for… since the start. I trusted you, told you more than I told anyone else ever before. Why? Why didn’t you tell me?”

She choked back a small sob.

“How can I not? Don’t you know? I… oh god,” she trailed off, looking at him again as a larger sob rose up and made her clamp a hand over her mouth. She backed up until she felt the wall behind her, sliding down to sit on the floor as more tears fell and she struggled to breathe.

Through her sobs she heard him speak, it stopped her for a second.

“I don’t know,” she whispered, “I just… I want to go back. I don’t want this… I want… I want to go back. Back to how things were before… when… when you kissed me.”

“What could I have said? Even if you’d believed me that they still existed, John would have found out. He always finds out, no matter what. He’d have killed you, killed me. Because I would have betrayed him. You have to know, it would...I couldn’t…”

He wanted to make this all better, but he didn’t know how. He didn’t understand what he could say to make this better.

“What can I do? What can I say to make this okay? I want to go back too, but I don’t want to build anything on lies. Just know that when I kissed you just now, that was me. That was the real me, no cover, no pretending. That was me, the real me. I don’t know what happened the first time for you, but it's true. I tried to compartmentalize with you. I tried to ignore how I felt but I couldn’t do it. I can’t do it because...god help me I just want to kiss you again?”

“You could have told me about your family, the truth about that. You know I would have listened. Then you could have told me the rest, we could have figured it out. I would have helped you I would have tried because… doesn’t matter now.”

She shook her head again, it didn’t matter. It was too late to change what had happened. It was too late for that but it didn’t have to be the end.

“I don’t know. I don’t know if it can be okay. I… you said too much at once. I didn’t hear half of it,” she said, seeing no point in denying that she hadn’t taken most of it in. “I know that kiss was real, you can’t fake that, no one could but… The first time, it was me. I kissed you because I thought we might die and I didn’t want to die having never kissed you. I didn’t want to regret it again like…” She paused, eyes going wide as she looked up at him. “Oh god… tell me you didn’t know… tell me you… when he had Quinn… please, please tell me you had no idea.” There was a desperate edge to her voice as she felt herself shaking, waiting for him to either shatter the last of her world with his next words or make her feel some relief, just a tiny amount but she needed to know.

“I wanted to tell you. You have no idea. I just thought you’d be disgusted. I’m not a good man. I wasn’t ever. Everything’s fallen apart Skye. But, you need to understand none of us knew we were ever going to have to come out of the shadows. I had a team, one that liked me. One that cared. I wanted to be that guy. The one you all believed in. The hero. But I can’t. I don’t have that in me. Not really. But, ask me. Ask me what you need to ask me. I will be completely open with you. Because there’s nothing worse than what you know about me now”

He shook his head, slumping down to the floor opposite her.

“I swear. I swear to you I didn’t know about Quinn. I swear Skye. If you believe nothing else I’ve said today please believe that. ...when I saw you...like that, it damn near broke me. And I didn’t know what to do to make it better. Please believe me.”

He had broken her. And he knew it. And it hurt. And the worst of it was the overwhelming thought in his mind was still worry for John. If they’d caught him, where was he, where would be go, what would he do?

But of all things he couldn’t ask her that

“You never even tried though, you should have tried… you should have told me. You should have told me. I told you everything… stuff I’ve never told anyone before. It didn’t matter if you thought it was never going to come out. You should have told me. You should have told me the moment you realized you cared about me. I… you are a good man though, you… I’ve seen it. You protected us all, you jumped out of the Bus to save Jemma, and bad people don’t do that. Maybe you’re not a hero but there’s good in you. I know there is. I… there has to be otherwise… otherwise I…”

She looked towards him, not quite meeting his eyes as he sat opposite her.

“I believe you. I believe you about that. The rest, I don’t know yet but that I do. I remember when you can to see me, when I woke up. I… I wanted to tell you how I felt… I wanted you to know that I… it seems stupid now but I wanted to tell you but I didn’t.”

It all seemed stupid and she felt stupid. More than that she felt like her heart was breaking. She’d fallen for a liar, a man who had hidden so much of who he was from her and she’d told him everything.

She took in another shaky breath, tears still streaming down her face. “I… this wasn’t how this was supposed to go. This wasn’t what I wanted to happen,” she said quietly not really sure what else to say. She was more lost now than she’d ever been and she wasn’t sure how to come back from it.

“I told you as much as I could. I was honest as I could be. With you. Look, there’s a lot I still need to tell you. Nothing big, nothing that won’t make sense, but the most important thing you need to know is...is I care about you. That kiss, I swear to you that was real. My feelings for you, they’re real, Skye.”

He had hoped she’d never have to know the truth. But of course now she did. This was what honesty got him. John had been right. It would be impossible for anyone to love someone like him. He was too weak. He still gave into it. He had with her.

“I just want you to believe that I’m sorry. I want to explain what I can and I want to make it up to you. That kiss, it's been the only real thing I’ve had in my life, in so long. You know me. You might not think you do but...everything I have told you when we were alone, everything, it's the truth. Maybe I left some parts out, but I didn’t lie. Not to you. Never to you. And for a long time, I didn’t know why that was. I know now.”

“Nothing else you’ve been hiding from me? Like how you’ve been working for an organisation that wants to rule the world?” She paused, sighing heavily as it felt like she was being crushed by everything she’d heard already. “I know, I know that kiss was real and I believe you when you say they’re real.”

It didn’t really make any of this better, knowing that he cared for her but he’d still kept something from her. If anything it made it worse. She’d told him everything because she cared about him, she’d wanted to share everything with him.

“I want to believe you, I do but you kept the truth from me for months. You should have told me before… before you kissed me but… I think I get it, why you did it when you did. You knew what I was going to say, you knew and you wanted to before I knew. Didn’t you?” Of course he knew, she realized now that’s why he’d said he couldn’t before he’d agreed to this. “Why was that? Because you care for me?”

“I’m loyal to Garrett, not to HYDRA. I don’t care anymore than he does about any of what they believe. They were means to an end is all.” It didn’t make it better, he knew that, maybe it made it worse that his loyalty was so fixed, but he had promised honesty.

“I couldn’t tell you. I’ve done things Skye. Things you wouldn’t like, if you knew. I’ve done so much and I couldn’t see that look on your face.”

Skye had seen something at least. That he truly cared. That his feelings were real. It didn't mean she didn’t hate him.

“Of course that’s why I kissed you then. I knew it was my one shot. If I was going to be honest with you then it was the first and last for me and I wanted it to be right. I wanted it to mean something and I wanted it to be with me. The real me. The one I’ve shown you before.”

It sounded so bloody convoluted.

“What was that end? Or do I not want to know?” She wasn’t sure if she did but the words were out of her mouth before she’d even thought to stop them. If he’d been sent to Coulson there had to be a reason and she had to know.

“You could have tried. We’ve all done things other people won’t like but when you care about someone you tell them. No matter what.”

Skye dropped her eyes from him, looking at her own hands where they sat in her lap, she’d been wringing them together and she hadn’t noticed.

“You should have done it sooner, back on the Bus. You should have kissed me and told me everything before it came out like this. I… What do you mean the one you’ve show me before?”

She chewed on her bottom lip as she looked back up at him, drawing her knees up to her chest making herself small. Something she used to do when she was younger and things got to be too much, something she hadn’t done in a long time.

“Please don’t ask me. I’ve betrayed him already, don’t make me do that again.” It hurt so much, and he couldn’t make it stop. “I have a weakness in me Skye. And I’m trying to explain, trying to make it better but don’t ask me to tell you that. He...he had his reasons. And he genuinely does like Coulson, there was just...there was a lot going on.”

He couldn’t have told her earlier. He knew that. But what she said next, when you cared about someone you told them?

“Do you?” The confusion was genuine. His brow furrowed and he looked at her, broken and small and hurting. Because of him. “Telling you did this. Telling you made it worse. Wouldn’t it have been better if you didn’t know. Wouldn't you rather that, if I’d protect you from it all? You and...”

Fitz.

Her and Fitz.

Oh god.

“I don’t want to hurt you anymore, and I don’t want to do that to Fitz. Tell me Skye, tell me what I should do here?”

“Okay, then just tell me this. Would it have hurt the team? In the long run? If you can’t tell me that then I’m walking out that door and never talking to you again,” she said, voice growing a little stronger at the end as she tried to prove she wasn’t completely broken. “I don’t care what his reasons were, if they would have hurt the team then… none of this matters.”

She wished this wasn’t what they were doing right now, she wished more than anything this hadn’t happened but it had.

“Yes, you do,” she said, looking up and seeing the confusion on his face, it made her frown a little. He didn’t get it, didn’t understand why. “The truth always comes out, Grant. It always does. Remember Miles? I tried to keep it a secret that I knew him and it came out in the worst possible way. If I’d told you all that I knew him it would have been better, still awkward but better than you putting me in the dog house for what I did.”

Just mentioning Miles had put a foul taste in her mouth and on top of how she was already feeling it made her stomach roll. She swallowed heavily, trying to ignore the rising taste of bile in her throat.

Now really wasn’t the time to be throwing up.

“If you don’t want to hurt me anymore you tell me the truth, about everything, no matter how much you think it will hurt me. And Fitz, you don’t tell him because if this is how you tell me then you’re just going to freak him out. So we talk, figure out everything and then we figure out what to do next.”

He remembered Miles. Remembered how horrible he’d been to her. He’d been so cruel and he should have known. But she was still an unknown variable then. It had been before he’d gotten to know her.

“I don’t see how it’s better. And the truth...it's taken fifteen years for you to find out about me and what, seventy with HYDRA. Secrets have been my life, secrets, lies, what do you think I did for SHIELD, let alone for Garrett?” It was all so much of a mess. Everything about it.

“The mission was intelligence gathering, nothing more. If he’d wanted you all crossed off it would have been that from the start. I was supposed to get close to Coulson, to the team. And I did. I did what I had to. I saved Simmons, I gave Coulson a project, someone broken that he could help and May...well…” he shook his head. “You and Fitz though...you were the two that got through. You were the ones that saw more of the real Grant Ward than anyone else, and no, I’m not just saying that because you’re both here, but I know it looks like that. He reminded me of Thomas and you...you know what you mean to me. I think. I hope.”

Once she gave him an answer, a plan, he seemed to calm, it was noticeable. The confusion was still there but it had faded somewhat.

“Okay. I’ll wait. Until we do what you say. I’ll go with what you think is right.”

Skye pushed away the memories that tried to fight their way to the surface, now really wasn’t the time she wanted to deal with the betrayal she’d felt from Miles, not on top of this. She didn’t want to remember how cold Ward had been to her either.

“I’m not talking about the secrets that SHIELD have kept to protect people. I’m talking about personal ones that hurt those closest to you when they come out in the wrong way. I’m not talking about what you’ve done either. I’m talking about hiding things from those you care about, it never ends well, ever.” Her frown deepened as it started to make sense a little more.

“Grant, he ordered Quinn to shoot me. You can’t tell me that was just intelligence gathering. I nearly died. Would have if you hadn’t… Oh my god he wanted GH325. Didn’t he? It brought Coulson back and it brought me back. That’s why… I guess it doesn’t matter now.” She knew her own thoughts she’d spilled aloud would probably derail him, she’d derailed herself with them. “Don’t… don’t tell me… I don’t want to know about what you did with her and why.” She closed her eyes, shaking her head and trying to hold back the fresh tears that formed in her eyes. “All I know is that you say you care for me but that could mean anything.”

She looked back up, tears still shining in her eyes as she saw the way he’d calmed when she’d told him what they should do. It reminded her of how some of the kids had been in some of her foster homes, those who were so used to being battered both physically and emotionally. It was all starting to make sense now.

“Grant… you said Garrett took you from juvie. Can you remember exactly what happened when he came to get you? Can you tell me exactly what he said to you?”

“Like I said, he had reasons. But yes. That’s what he wanted. He wanted to know what had brought Coulson back. The mission was never for me to kill any of you. I was strictly there to infiltrate. But things changed, shifted. God help me I began to care.”

He buried his head in his hands. Only thinking about what he’d now done, told her something he’d never told anyone. He hadn’t told her why John had wanted the information. He wouldn’t betray that. He’d never betray that. He needed to hold something sacred.

He blinked, looking up when she spoke.

“Of course I remember. You don’t forget something like that. He’d heard about me, from someone at the Military School. He knew my family of course, he knew the story and he told me he could help me fight the weaknesses in me. Make it so no one could ever push me around again. He took a scared messed up kid and made me better. He said it would be hard, hardest thing I’d ever done. And then he told me to say yes. I said yes.”

He remembered it all, the soldiers that had pushed into the room once he’d said it.

“He had a way to get me out of there and from that point he taught me all I needed to know. I owe him Skye. I’d be in jail now if not for him because when your family can invite Supreme Court justices to lunch dates, you don’t exactly get a fair trial. When I say he pulled me out of a hell. He did. He saved my life. I owe him everything.”

“Okay, you don’t need to tell me his reasons, I’m not gonna make you tell me anything you don’t want to. But he could have just asked Coulson, they were friends. Then he would have known Coulson didn’t know. But instead he chose to risk my life and I know you didn’t know but he still played with my life.”

She watched as he seemed to shrink on himself, the way he looked made her heart ache, it reminded her so much of the way some of the kids she’d known in the system had acted when they thought they’d said too much.

She met his gaze when he looked up.

When he started to talk about when Garrett had taken him she tried to keep the sadness from showing on her face, she realized now what this was, what Garrett had done. Ward had been a scared kid and Garrett had played on that, told him exactly what he needed to hear and turned him into this, a scared messed up adult who didn’t know how to really think for himself. It broke her heart, she’d always thought of him as the strong one but the truth was he was the most vulnerable person she’d met.

She needed to help him, to bring him back from this if she could.

“Grant, what did you mean when you said he could help you fight the weakness in you? What weakness?” She asked, almost afraid of the answer because she had a horrible feeling she knew what he’d say. “You don’t know that’s what would have happened, that you’d still be there but that’s not important now.” She took a deep breath, steadying herself even though she felt like she was falling apart herself. “What’s important is what we do now.”

She stood up, taking a moment before she walked towards him and held her hand out to him. “Let’s sit down and talk, Grant.”

What weakness? How could she not see it? Though how could she have. He’d been lying to her for so long now, manipulating them all and of course he was very very good at that. He’d been trained to be the perfect liar. But now, in front of her, it was all falling away. Still, even considering betraying John hurt. He didn’t expect it to be this hard.

“I know. He used you but I don’t think he knows what you mean to me. I’ll tell him he was wrong to do it if we ever get back or if he...if he comes here.” He knew she must hate him but on some level he needed him to be here, if he wasn’t here, what was he supposed to do, who was he supposed to be. He had nothing, no orders, no purpose. Except keeping Skye and Fitz safe from all of this mess.

“Weakness” he said softly. “It’s just that, I’ve always been weak. And you didn’t see it but that was the job. For SHIELD I was the professional, the specialist. But ultimately I’m nothing worth a damn.”

It was simple fact, he’d done feeling sorry for himself a long time ago. He wasn’t just some scared messed up kid anymore and that was because of John Garrett.

“He took a scared messed up kid and he made me someone better. I had value. I mattered.”

She held out her hand and he didn’t know what to do. She was talking to him and she didn’t sound angry, hurt yes. But she had calmed.

“Talk about what?” He said, meeting her gaze for a moment but still keeping his hands at his sides.

When she looked at him she didn’t see weakness she saw someone who didn’t even know who he was anymore. She saw someone who had been manipulated for almost all of their life. If there was any weakness it hadn’t been of his own making, it had been caused by those who should have cared for him when he was younger. He was fragile and if she wasn’t careful she’d break him completely.

“It doesn’t matter if he knows what I mean to you, he used a human life to try and get what he wanted, you know that’s wrong, Grant, no matter who does that it’s wrong,” she said softly. It was hard for her to swallow her own dislike of Garrett, just the thought of that man made bile rise in her throat but she had to put that behind her for Ward’s sake. If she was going to help him she needed to try and keep her own feelings locked down.

“You’re not weak, you might think you are but you’re not. People have told you that you’re weak but believe me, you’re strong. You just can’t see it. And you’re worth something, you’re worth something to me, to Fitz, to all of us.”

She wasn’t sure if he’d believe her or if he was too conditioned by Garrett but she wasn’t going to give up.

“You’ve always had value and you’ve always mattered. Everyone has value and matters no matter what those around them say.”

When she’d held her hand out she’d expected him to take it but he was clearly struggling with everything, she wanted to help him if he’d let her.

“What do you want to talk about?” She asked, a soft smile spreading across her face keeping her hand out for him, she wasn’t going to take no for an answer on this.

No.

No. It was different. Yes it was bad. It killed him inside that it had been her, that he’d chosen to do that to Skye. But he wasn’t...It wasn’t…

“Skye please, I know. I know it was a mess, but how could he have talked to Coulson, things had gone too far, he didn’t trust SHIELD and he had good reason not to. But please don’t...I can’t do this now.”

He was weak. There was nothing else to say. “You don’t know me, not really, none of you do. You’ve seen some of me, you’ve seen the most but I’m not a good man. Never have been, never will be. I’m not capable of it. What I did, it was all part of an act. Saving Simmons, all of it. I was never one of you. I just wished I was. I wished sometimes I could be that guy. How fucking stupid is that?”

He expected to be told it was stupid, to be told he was a fool for believing he could be someone worthy of her, of all of them. But she was telling him he had worth. Asking him what he wanted to talk about and god help him he was actually trembling.

“I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now. What do you want to talk about?”

He needed to let her choose, let her take the decision. He needed something to be decided given how amazingly he’d screwed all of this up already.

She could see the struggle inside, she could see none of this was easy for him and she just wanted to make it easier if she could.

“Okay, we don’t have to do this now, Grant. We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. I’m not going to ask you to tell me anything you don’t want to right now, all in your own time. Okay?”

This hurt her so much but for a different reason than she’d been hurting earlier. “I’ve seen enough to know you are a good man underneath it all, you have the capacity to be and I think being here proves that more than I can. You say it was all part of an act but you also said you never lied to me, you realize that means you’re good. And it’s not stupid, you can be whoever you want to be.”

She suspected this was where he’d normally be told he was an idiot or that he was stupid but she was never going to call him those things. She could see how his body language had shifted, she could see he was shaking, god he was coming apart in front of her.

“Grant, its okay. We’ll figure it out together. Now will you take my hand and come sit with me?”

Without thinking she leaned down and kissed his cheek before standing up straight again, hand still being held out for him to take, she wouldn’t give up on him.

She was an idealist. A damn idiot if she believed he was good. But no...she was Skye and he couldn’t even think like that about her. She was an angel if she was anything. And even seeing him like this, the lowest and most pathetic he’d been in a long time, even now she was willing to help him.

He actually considered it, considered believing her, considered talking to her properly, in spite of everything in his mind telling him not to. He could hear John’s voice, telling him he was screwing up, telling him he’d need to do better, he could almost feel phantom pain in his ribs.

But Skye kissed his cheek and the voice went away. He took her hand and got to his feet, never wanting to let her go.

“What are we going to talk about?” He asked her quietly as they walked toward the chair still hand in hand.

Maybe it was stupid to believe he was good but she had to believe that because otherwise it meant she’d fallen for someone who wasn’t good and that couldn’t be the case. She cared for him more than she had for anyone else in a really long time, that was why this hurt, seeing him like this because she felt almost powerless to fix him.

She knew he probably didn’t believe her but she would tell him until he did. She needed to figure out how to break him of these habits that had likely been beaten into him, it wasn’t going to be easy on either of them but she’d help him, she’d help him because she cared.

When he took her hand she felt some of the pain lift, it was a start at least, something to build on.

“I was thinking you could tell me about your family, if that’s okay. Slowly and not in a rush like you tried to before,” she said softly, squeezing his hand a little as she took a seat and waited for him to join her.

His family.

Oh that was something he didn’t want to relive again. But she wanted to talk, and she still had his hand in hers.

“My parents are monsters. I mean...I don’t know how many examples to give but they were...my mother was cruel my father didn’t care. Christian...well, I don’t even know where to start with him. He was never normal but he was the favourite, for so long. I never was. But Thomas he was a little adorable kid, he was genuinely good, still is. And Christian hated that. So completely.”

He squeezed her hand again.

“I tried to protect Thomas from the worst of it, took the worst of it from my parents. And from Christian. But it wasn’t enough, he had to hurt Thomas and he knew...he knew I was the one that tried to protect him. So he made me...he said he’d do worse if I didn’t. He made me do it and Thomas, he was...god Skye… I did some horrible things. There was a well...back home.”

He looked away.

“The things I’ve done Skye. I don’t know why you haven’t run screaming yet.”

She wasn’t going to force him, if he really didn’t want to talk about his family she wouldn’t make him. She just wanted to better understand how he’d ended up this way and it was better to start at the beginning.

“You don’t have to give me examples if you don’t want to, you don’t have to tell me anything you’re not comfortable sharing, Grant. I don’t want to make you talk about things you’d rather not, I just want to get to know the real you, the you I got glimpses of before. So just tell me what you want to, okay.”

She squeezed his hand back, gently brushing her thumb against his hand as she did.

She listened as he talked about Thomas, she could feel tears in her eyes again. Fresh tears but this time they were for him not because of him. It was clear to her that he’d tried to protect his younger brother from anything that tried to hurt him and his older brother had taken advantage of that in the worst way. “Its okay, Grant.”

She reached out to touch his cheek, encouraging him to look back at her.

“You tried to protect your brother the only way you could, you protected me. Why would I run from that?”

“Because I tried and I failed. Because that’s it. I spent so much of my life being weak. Being useless. I tried to save him and ended it up making it worse.” He noticed her thumb running along his hand and god...how was she this good a person. How did someone like this exist?

“He nearly drowned Skye. Because of me.”

God there was so much he wanted to say but the words weren’t coming out right. They didn’t, he supposed now he was trying to be honest, it didn’t work quite like he wanted it to.

“Tell me what happens now? I mean, this place, sending us into history? How am I supposed to help anyone? Why the hell would they pick me, out of anyone they could possibly choose, why me?”

Her hand was on his cheek now and he didn’t know what to think. They’d been kissing and then he’d shattered her world. And now this, all of this, what did it mean. What did any of this mean? He lifted his hand, moving it to her cheek and met her eyes. “Skye...I’m sorry. I wish I was who you thought I was. That hero you saw me as, the one that could protect you. I can’t protect you. I can’t protect anyone.”

“You tried though, a lot of people wouldn’t have tried. They’d have given up but you didn’t, you kept trying because that’s who you are.” She wanted him to see it but she didn’t think he could, not yet, not until she could break through the years of conditioning and manipulation that he’d clearly suffered.

“You don’t think Christian would have done something far worse if you hadn’t have done what he told you to?”

She knew inside he must have been a mess. That he probably didn’t know if he was coming or going. She wasn’t going to let him go through this alone, she wasn’t going to abandon him when he needed support even if he hadn’t been entirely honest with her before now.

“They picked you because they see you for who you are, someone who doesn’t give up even when things are at their worst, someone who wants to help those who can’t help themselves. A good man, that’s why they picked you, Grant.”

Even though he’d brought her world down around her when she looked at him now she just wanted to kiss him again. Not like she had before exactly but more to reassure him, to let him know she wasn’t going anywhere. She leaned into his hand when he brought it up to her cheek, a soft smile on her lips. “You are, deep down you are that hero, I know you are. You can protect me, I know you can and together we can protect others. Do you believe me? Do you trust me, Grant?”

“Maybe” he said after a pause, unsure what exactly he was supposed to say here. “He might have done worse, I couldn’t take that risk. It doesn’t make what I did right, what I let him make me do. But back then I couldn’t fight. I couldn’t even think straight, but I always swore if I saw him again, I’d make him sorry.”

“Skye. Don’t. Don’t say that. I can’t.”

His mind was racing. He didn’t know what to think anymore but she was telling him she could help him. She could find a way for him to protect others, help, do good things.

“Is that what you want?” He said, their faces close, eyes locked together. “Skye, do you want me to help you?” It would be clear, simple. In the absence of Garrett he could trust her. He could believe in her. “I do trust you.”

“I’m not saying it was right but you were young, you did what you probably thought was the only thing you could do. I imagine you were scared and you had no one to turn to, no one to help you. You couldn’t fight him but he’s gone, he’s not here and you can fight now, you do fight. And you’re not alone.”

“You can, you just have to believe it.”

She was holding back tears again, she didn’t know if she could help him, not in the way he really needed but she’d try. Giving him a purpose, a belief in himself was a start.

“Yes, it’s what I want,” she said softly, her eyes on his the entire time. “I want you to help me and I want you to let me help you, will you do that, Grant? Will you let me help you?” She asked, shifting a little in her seat, closing the gap between them and placing the softest kiss against his lips, barely a brush against his. Maybe she shouldn’t have done it but she’d been overwhelmed by her need to reassure him and she wasn’t sure how else to do it.

“Believe it…” he repeated more than a little incredulously. “Skye you can’t know, it wasn’t just as a kid, I’ve done things...horrible things. I’ve killed people because they were in my way, because...I could, because it was the mission. And unlike with SHIELD, I made it hurt when I had to. It’s what I’m good at, it’s what I’m good for.”

Because otherwise he was weak. Otherwise, without all that Garrett had helped him become what would be left. He couldn’t have her, she was good and light and she still had hope for the world.

“It’s what you want.” He said, equally softly. And then of course, she kissed him. She kissed him and it all made sense. It was just a soft kiss but it meant the world.

“Help me Skye. Tell me how this goes? What you want me to do now?”

“I do believe it,” she said, it wasn’t just a line she really did. “You just said it yourself because it was the mission. You’re not a cruel man, you don’t go around killing because you want to, there’s reasons behind it. I’m not saying any of it was right but there were reasons and that is all in the past. Maybe it is what you’re good at but it’s not all you’re good for.”

She would get him to see what she did, she’d get him to believe her if it was the last thing she did. She wasn’t going to let him continue to be this broken shell of a man that had been a puppet for someone else. She would help him find who he truly was.

“It is,” she whispered. Even though the kiss was soft and brief it did what she needed it to, what she hoped it would. She stayed close to him, eyes on his, searching them as he spoke.

“I’ll help you, Grant, I will. Do you need me to tell you how it goes? Grant, if I don’t… what happens if I don’t? I need to know what you need from me to help you. Can you tell me that?”

“There aren’t many people who kill because they want to, there’s necessity, there’s base need to hurt, to kill, there’s the thrill of it. But that pure want. I’ve only seen it a couple of times.”

She was asking a lot. She didn’t know what he’d done and he didn’t know at all what he should tell her. She was watching him and he wished he could be strong for her. Be who she had believed him to be.

“Yes.” he said softly. “I need you to tell me. Because I don’t know what happens. I’ve never not known what happens, what the plan was, you get orders and you follow, and that is all I know.” So tell me. Because I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now. This wasn’t part of any plan.”

He hated this. Hated how he sounded, but that kiss, brief as it was was all that was holding him together right now. That and knowing that Skye would tell him what he was supposed to do. Give him that direction he so desperately needed. At least until John found his way here. And he would do that, somehow.

“What do we do about Fitz. I don’t want him to know this Skye...I don’t want to hurt him either.”

“And you don’t have that. You kill because you have to and that’s why I know there’s good inside you, even if you can’t see it yourself. I know it’s there.”

Skye didn’t need to know what he’d done, she didn’t need him to tell her everything right now. She had enough to go off and honestly knowing too much at this point would only make it harder for her to help him. She’d always believed he was the strong one but now she needed to be the strong one for him.

“Okay,” she said gently. “I don’t really know what happens now, Grant. I’m not gonna lie to you but I’m gonna be here for you. We will figure it out together. We’ll find out just what these people want from us and we’ll stick together.”

She knew he wanted orders, it was clearly how Garrett had conditioned him but she wasn’t going to order him to do things. She couldn’t do that, he was a person, someone she cared for deeply, she wasn’t going to use him like everyone else in his life clearly had. She just hoped that this place never brought Garrett here because that would be a disaster.

“Remember what I said about the truth always comes out. We have to tell him eventually and it will be better if we tell him rather than him finding out some other way. But we can wait and figure it out properly. He’ll understand if we tell him in the right way.”

She leaned in and pressed another soft kiss against his lips, squeezing his hand as she did. This really wasn’t what she’d been expecting when she’d come to his door and she wasn’t entirely sure she could really do what he needed but she’d do what she could.

He didn’t know what to think, but she kissed him again and he smiled, just for a second, amidst his still trembling hand grasped in hers. She promised to be there for him. To help him, and he loved her absolutely for it. She would give him the chance he needed to make something worthwhile here and while she would never love him back, not now, he found it didn’t matter.

“I hope you’re right. I couldn’t do worse than the way I told you.” He admitted, still finding it ridiculous that he had rambled so damned much. But he’d wanted to explain it, all of it and everything had come across so muddled. But it was comforting to know that she had been willing to listen, maybe Fitz would too.

“So... can we, maybe get that drink all the same. You did come here intending for it, and we could both do with it, don't you think?”

The sight of the slight smile on his face gave her hope, it meant there was a chance they could get through this and come out okay on the other side. She wouldn’t abandon him, she couldn’t. She still cared for him, still felt that connection that might have been partly based on lies but it was there. Despite everything he’d said she still cared about him, nothing was going to change that.

“No you really couldn’t,” she said softly. She still didn’t know half of what he’d said when he’d basically spilled everything all at once. It had been overwhelming and if he did that to Fitz she knew his reaction would be as bad as her initial one had been. When it was time to tell Fitz she’d do the talking, at least she’d be able to get all the information across without causing information overload.

“Yes, we can have that drink. Maybe just one though because too many and I might cry again, we don’t want that.”

“Just one is fine”

He didn’t want to let go of her hand. Basically ever. He would do whatever he could to make her smile, to make sure she never broke like he’d broken her ever again. He kissed her once more on the lips, a couple of beats longer than he probably should have. But he couldn’t get enough of her.

“Let’s see if a Time Agency gets the good stuff.” He said against her lips before pulling back. He had to do this slow. Do this right. If there was ever a chance to get past almost.

She wasn’t going to let go of his hand, not yet. This was a mess and she wasn’t sure if there was a way through it but the feel of his hand in hers helped. She allowed the kiss, let it linger longer than the others and it helped more.

“I hope they do,” she said with a soft smile on her lips. Without letting go of his hand she reached for the bottle and managed to open it one handed, pouring two glasses for them. Maybe she should have declined but she couldn’t walk away from him.

She handed him a glass and picked up her own, still holding his hand. Raising her glass to his she smiled a little more, “To new beginnings.”