Hope O'Shea (hopehasit) wrote in tiberiusswann, @ 2009-05-10 09:50:00 |
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Entry tags: | blake, hope |
Sunday - 11/4/07
Who: Blake and Hope
When: All day Sunday
Where: Blake's Apartment
What: They are trying to sort through what happened.
Rated: NSFW
Morning came far too soon, the sun rising and finding its way into Hope's eyes as she lay curled in the floor with Blake by her side still asleep. Last night felt like a bad dream, a nightmare, but she knew that it wasn't. And not only was her body and her head aching from the position she had slept in, it didn't take but just a few seconds of consciousness for her heart to start aching as well.
Blake was breathing still, slow and soft, so she knew that he was, for the moment, okay, but how long would that last after he woke up? How long would either of them be able to be okay? She still felt numb. She still felt... like something had died inside. And she still had no idea what she was going to do with any of this.
But first thing was first. She had to get up. She couldn't keep laying there beside him. She slipped her arm from underneath his head, replacing it with a pillow before she moved out from under the covers and onto her feet.
Now what? She sighed, running fingers back through her dark hair. Coffee. That's what she needed. She headed into the kitchen to start up a pot and found herself again at a standstill once that was done.
She needed to do something, needed to stay busy. It was the only way she could be rational while she thought this over. If she stopped moving, she was sure to get emotional and... emotions needed to play no part in all of this. Emotions had gotten her into this mess, after all.
So she started cleaning. Granted, this was not her apartment, not her mess, but that didn't mean that it wasn't messy, that there were dishes that could be washed and leftover takeout containers to be emptied and floors to be swept and rugs to be knocked off.
She had to ask herself why she was still here, why she was waiting for him to wake up instead of just leaving. There were many answers that she could try to fool herself into believing, but there was only one that was true and one that made any sense at all. She still loved him. That hadn't changed from last night to today and it wasn't very likely that it would change any time soon if at all.
The question she really needed to answer, the one she wouldn't allow herself to think about for very long was... What was she going to do about it? What were they going to do about it? Was there even really a "they" anymore?
When the coffee finally finished, she forced herself to stop, and found a seat on his sofa in the living room with a cup of the steaming hot liquid in her hand. She stared out the window while she waited for it to cool because it was easier to look there than it was to look at him. But not much. Just knowing he was there was enough to make her feel everything. But at least she had control over that right now.
---
When Blake awoke his entire body ached. His muscles were tight from spasming, his head was swimming and for a brief, glorious moment he had forgotten last night ever happened as he attempted to open his eyes and raise his body. It was met by a growl, followed by a weak collapse to the floor. Only when he realised exactly where he was did the memories of last night come flooding back and he suddenly felt like staying where he was. But where was Hope? The sick feeling in his stomach remained as he tried again to lift himself up, arms struggling to hold himself. When he was finally on his knees he used the pole to haul himself to his feet - he smelt coffee, fresh coffee. Was Hope around? Had she left him in the middle of the night?
He turned to search his apartment, scanning the room with bleary eyes and found her sitting on the sofa. His stomach did a backflip then bellyflopped inside him, making him feel heavy and useless and horrible...
"Morning," he said quietly, almost a whisper as he clung the wall, attempting to appear steady and fine but he wasn't doing a very good job of it. He licked his lips, cleared his throat... he was so dry and that coffee looked good right now but he wasn't about to try and get one or ask for a sip. Not knowing what to do, he remained standing, then his gaze fluttered to the floor.
He didn't deserve to look at her.
---
Hope was, of course, aware enough of her surroundings, of him, to know that he had woken up and had pushed himself up to his feet. It wasn't until he spoke to her, however, that she really paid him any mind, and realized how weak he was still. He looked like a strong wind could have knocked him over.
"Sit down." The words were said firmly and yet quietly as she patted the cushion next to her on the cushion, indicating where she would prefer him. She then leaned forward to place her own cup of coffee upon the coffee table before she pushed herself up to her feet to head into the kitchen to retrieve a mug for Blake.
She knew how he liked his coffee by now, and she adjusted it accordingly before she came back into the living room and walked over to where he now sat, holding out the mug of steaming liquid for him to take. She then sank back onto the sofa beside him, her feet pulled up so that her knees could be curled against her chest as she grabbed hew own mug and had another sip, slipping back into silence for a moment.
"You should probably eat something." She said after a bit. "Maybe an omelet. Lots of protein. Help you get your blood built back up." He'd probably feel weak from that for days. "And a hot bath." He was too unsteady on his feet for a shower. She took another sip of her coffee. "I'll run you one after you've finished your cup."
---
She was being so formal. She was being so... un-Hope. It was like she was just some disappointed mother who hated her son or something and despite her caring gestures of getting him a cup of coffee and making sure he was ok, it was like she felt it was her duty to just see he was alright before she left him.
At least in Blake's mind that was what it was. He had sat down without a word and continued his silence even when Hope was speaking. He didn't want to ruin her stoic mood but then he didn't want to keep quiet either. It was almost like it was too loud for him to bear... "I'm not hungry," he said quietly, not in a difficult way but in a soft manner. He didn't want to make her run around after him and he actually genuinely wasn't hungry. After a sip he sighed, letting the liquid go down.
"You don't have to do anything for me," he said finally. "I can shower, I..." Well he couldn't. She was right, he'd topple over from dizziness the moment the water hit his head. His neck hurt - after effects of the feeding probably. That made his stomach churn even more and once again he fell back into silence.
---
"You have to eat." He may have been soft and quiet when he said it, but she wasn't when she told him how it was going to be. She was quite forceful, though mostly that was just due to the fact that telling him he had to eat was a reminder as to why, not that the stark bite marks that were clearly still visible upon his skin were not.
Again, she felt slightly nauseous and inclined to go over to Ric's apartment and bang on his door until he answered so that she could beat the shit out of him once he opened the door. But that line of thought would get her nowhere, so she shoved it into the back of her mind and made her forget about it for now.
"No, I don't have to." Hope agreed, her voice softer now that she had focused enough for just a moment to repress that anger that threatened to grow within her again. "And you can't take a shower, Blake. You looked as though it was all you could do to just stand up."
She forced herself to look at him even though doing so made her heart feel like it was turning in on itself, and then she quickly glanced away, gaze back upon the window. "Just finish your coffee. We'll talk after your bath... after breakfast."
---
Blake swallowed, then returned to sipping his drink. Hope was always so good to him, too good to him. No doubt he'd have to be punished even further by her once he was lucid enough to actually take it. There was no fun in kicking a man who was already down. He'd have to brighten himself up so he could really take her wrath - like he deserved. But somewhere there was a little doubt that Hope was going to practically kill him. Blake hoped that wasn't the case, he needed to be beaten up for what he'd done to her, them, how he'd behaved..
"Okay." He was agreeing to breakfast, bath and talking. All in one little word. Though he felt like there was lead in the pit of his stomach when he did so, he couldn't avoid it all. Hope was going to take care of him this morning. Then... he'd probably be left to do it himself. Depends how the talk went.
His energy was beginning to creep back up and he felt more alive. God bless coffee beans. He chanced a glance at her, saw her staring at the window. Not out of it. He felt incredibly bad and so he looked down at his lap, the coffee which swirled in the mug... then he continued to drink it until it was gone without another word. It wasn't his place. His place right now was to do whatever she said because if he wanted a chance to keep her that's what he'd have to do. And he didn't mind doing it.
---
The silence was good. She needed it. She needed time to think even though she had done all that she could to avoid doing so earlier in the morning before he had woken up. Hope still had no idea what she wanted, what she was going to say, what was going to happen when it was all said and done. She could think and think and think about it, but thinking wasn't doing and... She had no idea what she was going to do.
Her own mug of coffee was sipped slowly until it was gone, finished up just about the same time as his, and she glanced over to see that he was done before she pushed herself up to her feet. She thought about offering him a hand to the bathroom for a split second, but decided against it. He could make it that far on his own.
"I'll run your bath now." She announced, and without any further adieu, she headed to the bathroom to do just that.
The apartments provided for the staff here were quite nice and the bathtubs were large enough to house at least two people comfortably, which she was grateful for. It would have been difficult for him to relax in a tiny tub, for him to really feel any benefit of the hot water against his skin. And she did make it hot, quiet hot, actually, enough that it would be a shock to the system when he first climbed in but it would soon after feel really nice against his aching muscles. And she knew they were. Her own were as well so it was impossible that his weren't when what she felt was residual of his own feelings.
---
Blake closed his eyes the moment Hope was on his feet. He held on to himself whilst she went to the bathroom but the moment he heard the taps switch on and the water hit the bath tub he closed his eyes and allowed himself a moment of weakness. He was far too tired and mixed up to keep himself together for so long, until she went to speak to him. He buried his face in his hands, trying to stop himself from crying too much in case she saw the redness around his eyes. A few little breaths, shuddering gasps as he attempted to both release some pent up emotion and control it at the same time.
He could hear the bath getting fuller and he jabbed at his eyes, rubbing them fiercely and sniffing away any sign that could effect him should he speak. He stood, feeling a little better on his feet and walked in to the bathroom, trying to appear strong. Not that he was doing very well at that.
Did she want to be here as he undressed? If she didn't she could leave. He began to take his shirt off, catching a whiff of a scent which wasn't his and he threw it aside quickly. His jeans were next, then his boxers... he'd been naked in front of her many times before but never had he felt so exposed, so vulnerable.
The bath was hot, and he kind of went to hiss but thought better of it. Hope had run it. He didn't want to undo all the things he was trying to build back up again, like her tolerance of his presence. Once he'd sunk into the bath he sighed, the warm water flowing over his muscles a much needed relaxant but he was still self-conscious. He didn't really want to start washing himself infront of her... how stupid was that? So he simply lay back enough so that he was almost fully submerged.
---
Hope didn't leave once he had entered the room. She instead still sat on the side of the tub, waiting until it was as full as it could be with him still able to get in it, and then turned the water off. This was where she stayed as he undressed, sitting on the edge, and though she primarily kept her focus on the water, she did look up at him once he was fully exposed just to see how she felt about it.
She still wanted him. She still wanted to kiss and touch and taste every line, every curve of his body. And she closed her eyes as she looked quickly away to drive that want to the back of her mind though being here, in this room, brought back memories of the weekend they had spent at the hotel together. They had taken a bath together then. And with the way she felt right now, she nearly wanted to undress and climb into the bath with him now, but she didn't.
Waiting until he was in the tub and fully submerged, she pushed herself up to her feet once more. "I'm going to make breakfast." Omelets for the both of them though she was sure they would taste like cardboard as neither of them would have much of an appetite. But he needed to eat and she wouldn't force him to swallow it down alone even though she very well should have. "Don't forget to brush your teeth." If for some reason, she were to decide to kiss him, the last thing she wanted to taste was someone else upon his lips.
Hope left him there alone so that she could get breakfast started, making a trip down to her apartment to gather a few things that he didn't have. It wasn't long until the place began to smell of eggs and cheese and sausage. It would have been a good smell any other day but this one. Today, however, the smell nearly made her sick.
---
The moment Hope was outside of the room, Blake took a breath. It was deep, and long, and it filled his lungs so that when he slid down deeper into the bath, the water covering his head, he did not feel the need to shoot back up. He didn't want to drown. He just wanted to be lost for a while. Through everything that had happened the last thing he wanted was to kill himself, even though the situation might have made him want to, briefly, for a moment.
Underneath the water he closed his eyes, let the water go in his ears and around his head and soothe his neck, shoulders, face... being like this was calming, it allowed him to think and wash away the tiredness of the morning. It allowed him to just be a moment, regress back... he loved Hope. He loved her more than life itself, but he wouldn't have thought so until now. He realised he was terrified of losing her. And that had never happened to him before - he'd always been prepared to move on, break a girl's heart for fear of hurting her. Now he'd hurt Hope, and not with his power. With his stupid, stupid decisions and lust and... it felt stupid, that he'd done so, after all these years of backing away due to lack of self-control with energy. He should have been more frightened of his control within himself.
He burst up through the water just before he couldn't hold his breath anymore, breathing deep and spluttering a little, wiping the water from his eyes. He could smell the eggs she was making but it didn't make him sick. Instead he actually did find himself hungry for breakfast and he set about washing himself a little. Normally he'd wait half an hour in the bath until it got cold but he didn't want to keep Hope waiting.
Once his hair was washed he slipped out of the bath, dried himself. He rubbed a towel over his hair, not bothering to use a dryer and then brushed his teeth as she had requested. Gladly.
He slipped a towel around his waist, made his way to his bedroom where he quickly changed into clothes which didn't remind him of last night. Baggy jogpants and a t-shirt hung over his damp body as he made his way back to his living room, sniffing the air. His hair stood up on end but he wasn't really paying attention. He simply sat at the table, remaining quiet. He did however, watch Hope as she cooked, admiring her, loving her. Yes, she was far too good to him.
---
Focus on the food. Don't let it burn. Make sure that it tastes good just in case this is the last meal we ever have together. She was reminding herself of this only to keep herself from lingering upon anything else as she prepared the omelets just right and then scooped them both out onto plates. She had noticed him walk into the living room and have a seat, looking better now, much more awake and aware, much more calm and collected, but she had said nothing to him and wouldn't for a moment longer at least.
The kitchen table was just there, but instead, she took both the plates, omelets and toast with jam, to the coffee table, his in front of him and hers just across from it. She grabbed the mugs and got them both a refill on coffee before she came and took a seat in the floor across from him at the table, glancing down at her plate and then going for the piping hot mug instead, a long swallow taken as she waited for him to go first though why she wanted him to eat something first, she wasn't sure. Maybe it was because if he didn't eat, she didn't have to.
---
Blake was hungry - he didn't realise how much until he saw the plate in front of him and he started to devour it in his usual piggy way. People had always told him he was far too quick eating but if it was good food why waste it getting cold? And Hope was a brilliant cook. The fish and chips date had proved that. Their first proper date... their first night together...
Shit.
Blake focused on the meal, clearly enjoying it but now he was also trying to hold something back and he grabbed the mug to wash it all down. It didn't take him long to finish the omlette, munching away before he cleaned his plate and replaced the knife and fork against it, dabbing his mouth and sitting back in the sofa. This was hell. It was like those movies when the married couple hated each other and had long since stopped speaking.
"Thank you," he said quietly, genuinely. He had needed that.
---
This was a reminder of their first date, of their first time. She had made him dinner and afterwards, he had made a woman out of her. She couldn't stop herself from thinking about it too. And her cheeks even flushed a little as she did, a bit of a smile tugging at her lips though there was still far too much going on for her to even allow herself to give into that. The thought of it was enough to make her stomach do flip flops which didn't help the fact that she was trying her best to get some food into her system.
She ate in silence though not nearly as quickly as he did and he finished long before she had even made it halfway through. But she was full. She was full before she started. And she wouldn't be cleaning her plate. She had one piece of toast and half of the omelet before she switched over to just coffee, and when he thanked her for the food, she asked, "Do you want the rest of mine?" He could use it more than she considering.
Ugh. Considering. She didn't care to think about that.
---
Blake blinked. That hadn't been an order, a passive aggressive comment, a sad and depressing moment... it had been a normal question. Ok so it wasn't exactly under a normal situation but hey, it was something. Grabbing on to this like a dog and a bone, Blake actually had to shake his head.
"No I'm fine thanks... kind of filled me up too." Start of a conversation. Score! But he wasn't going to get ahead of himself. He picked up his mug and drank some coffee - she made it good, it was a lovely cup - and then returned to quietness. A moment passed. "Actually I do want it. It's staring at me."
And he leant forward to finish it off her plate.
---
"Okay." She wasn't going to force it on him. She had no idea what to say from there. There were a million and one things she wanted to say, questions she wanted to ask but.. she dreaded it. She dreaded having to even bring it up. It was bad enough that she couldn't stop thinking about it but talking about it would just make it more... real.
A brow arched slightly as he spoke, and the way that he worded it actually made her laugh. Of course the laugh didn't last very long, but it was something, right? And she gestured towards it. "Help yourself." Better he eat it than to simply allow it to go to waste and it could only help in getting his plasma count back up to where it should be.
Once that was all done, Hope pushed herself back up to her feet to take both of the plates to the kitchen, pausing to offer, "Did you want more?" She could always make him another, though she knew before she even asked that he would decline. He was probably quite full now, for one, and for two, he wouldn't want to further impose because that was just his way.
She didn't take the time to wash up, but simply put the dishes back in the sink instead before returning to the living room and pausing in place for a moment as she decided whether she wanted to sit on the sofa beside him or take up a spot in another chair in the room. That was a tough decision. And it took her a good two minutes of simply standing there before she moved around him and had a seat to the side of him, enough distance between them to keep them from accidentally touching but near enough that... Well just near enough, that was all.
"So.." She began, reluctant to continue. "What do you want to do about this mess?" The mess being them, Ric, the entire situation, though he would certainly know exactly to what she referred.
---
Blake felt so happy, so jubilant that she'd actually laughed that he managed to crack a smile. Hearing it was lovely. It gave him a little piece of hope that all was not lost and that they could work through this. It was a brilliant feeling, yet he knew not to push his luck. By the time he'd finished off her meal and she was putting it in the sink he'd returned to a rather nervous state.
"Um. No thank you," he said, just like she'd predicted at her offer of another. He waited for her to return - smiled at her sitting on the sofa, then made his face appear unfeeling. Well not unfeeling... just not as nauseous and nervous as he was knowing she was going to start their talk now everything had been done. Taking a small breath he went back to feeling small and he glanced at his lap.
"It's not my place to say. It's your decision what to do with me." Which was true. "My wants shouldn't enter into this. I was the one that fucked up. Big time. And... I lost that right to having an opinion. So. It's... I mean we can discuss it but it's your decision." He finally brought his eyes to look at her.
---
And maybe it gave her hope too. Maybe the fact that they could have such a natural moment between them in spite of all of this was a good sign. She wanted to think that it was. And she also wanted to think that that meant nothing too so... Honestly she had no idea what she wanted.
The air between them got heavier than it had been before when the conversation was sure to begin. But there was no stopping it. They couldn't just wander along in this state of flux forever. Something had to be said eventually, and better now than later, she told herself. The longer they ran around in limbo, the harder it would be to move beyond that stage in either direction.
"Yes, I know that." Hope replied, quietly and simply. She forced her gaze to meet his own as she added, "But it's also my decision to ask you what you want to do about this mess?" She dropped her gaze to her hands. "I can't... I mean I need to know. I need to know if you still want.. this." She couldn't say what this was, but she knew he would knew what she meant. "Or if you ant something else entirely." Because, whether she wanted to make it work or not, if he didn't, then what she wanted wouldn't really matter much.
---
Blake gulped again, suddenly wanting water. But he wouldn't ask for it. He listened to her, smiled even a little when she said she knew - because it was just the way she said it that made her so cute... but then it disappeared and he became serious again.
"Honest answer... I don't know what to do. I don't know... how to actively do... the actions I need to take... but..." He took a breath, then looked at her. This time he wasn't going to look away. "I love you. I might not have done a good job of showing it last night but I love you. I'm... insanely in love with you and it's practically killing me that after all these years, when I find the One, I fuck it up so badly. And it's not even years down the line, it's almost immediately. I feel so... stupid. And I can explain everything until my face turns blue but it won't change what happened, it won't change how you feel. How I feel. I still want you Hope, I still want the family, and the future, and you... just you... I can't believe I've done this. I should have been scared of hurting you by my actions not by my power. I'm... eternally sorry..." by this time it was clear Blake was on the verge of crying again and he tried to keep it at bay. "If you want to end this, fine. It'll kill me but I will let you go... I'd go back to England, start over... but if you DO end this... just... know I love you. Okay? That will never ever change at all. Never."
And he couldn't say any more.
---
It was impossible for her to look at him as he spoke though she wanted to. She knew what she would see, however, and she just... she couldn't deal with it. She couldn't look at him with tears in his eyes, pleading with her, not after everything that had happened. She would start crying then too and... She just didn't want to cry. It was too exhausting.
Hope allowed Blake to say all that he wanted to say, all that he needed to say, and fall into silence for a moment before she cleared her throat, after taking a few calming breaths, and then forced herself to look at him. "You've told me what happened, but you haven't told me why. And you don't have to. I... I understand that you love me and that you want me and... and I don't not believe when you say those things but Blake... obviously it's not only me and..." She sighed as a hand moved up to run fingers back through her hair before moving to her face where she made a partial fist and chewed on her thumbnail for a moment.
"You should have told me. You should have and..." She looked back over at him. "I understand that it wouldn't have been an easy thing to do. And I understand that it was scary but... You have to know that you could have told me and even though I may not have been very receptive in the beginning, we could have worked it out." They could have. The question was, could they still?
"I don't want to feel like I have to compete with him. I don't want to feel like I have to compete with anyone. I want to be the one even if I'm not..." Her voice got quiet here and she couldn't look at him as she said this part. "Not the only one."
Hope looked back up at Blake, her lips pursed in a frown and her dark eyes sad but determined. "I want to be the person that you share all your secrets with. I want to know all of your thoughts and all of your desires and all of the things that you feel like you can't tell anyone. And I want you to feel like you can tell me anything and everything and that you never have to hide anything from me, because you don't have to hide anything from me Blake."
Inhaling a deep breath, she shifted her position on the sofa, turning to face him more fully as her hands reached out to take hold of his own. "So again, tell me what you want."
---
Blake sighed. He really should tell her. He owed her that much. "Just after Word War Two... I spent the night with a man called Arthur. I have never ever told anyone this but when I was drunk at Ric's one night I accidentally... let it slip. And he was pressing for details. I told him it was the single most awkward experience in my life and I stand by that. Then... I don't know why I started feeling weird around Ric. Maybe I was picking up his energy - maybe what happened last night was me picking up the energy from the gay bar and fuelling my desires and letting my guard down but I... I'm not going to deny that at the time I didn't want it. Because I did.... I don't know why but I did."
Running a hand through his hair he sniffled again, trying to find an explanation. "I know I should have told you, the moment we - I should have said something. But what kind of boyfriend goes off snogging his best friend?! I was convinced it was a one-night thing, just an experience that I could forget and wouldn't bother me. But it did bother me, obviously and..."
She wanted to be the one? She already was... but then she went on to explain and Blake's guts went a bit awry and he understood. Squeezing her hands, he looked at her earnestly. "I want that too. I want that.... but I don't - I mean... I told you what I want. I want you, I want a family, I want... what you said, too... but I'm feeling like you're trying to ask me something I'm not fully getting..."
---
They had never really spoken of the war before. She honestly hadn't even known he had been in the war, or maybe she did, she just knew they had never really discussed it. And she didn't know about Arthur either but that was sort of the point. Ric knew and she didn't. And if she was the one that he wanted to make a life with, then she should be the one that knew these things, not someone else.
She didn't really say anything in regard to the story and there wasn't really sort of reaction that he could gauge and really, that was the only reaction that she had, that she was upset that she hadn't been the one that he had told. She wanted him to trust her with anything because she would trust him with anything, and she felt like... like he didn't like he thought that he couldn't.
"Maybe the type of boyfriend who has gone through something like what you did and has finally found himself close to another man again?" She suggested, a brow arching slightly to see if that point was really getting across.
"Do you want it to happen again?" She didn't want to come right out and ask that, but apparently she had to if she was going to get a clear answer, if he could even give one. Maybe he'd not even had time to really think about it much less know what it meant in the long-term scheme of things.
---
Huh. He'd never thought about it like that before. Perhaps it was a male bonding thing, or that once-in-five-decades connection that produced gay tendencies. Who the hell knew? It was something he hadn't even tried to think about but now she said that, Blake was beginning to feel like that might be a possibility. A scary thought... but it kind of fit.
"Perhaps you're right," he told her, but then she was asking THAT and his brain almost shut down. He really hadn't assumed anything like that - hadn't even considered it. But again Hope was putting ideas in his head and suddenly he was wondering and that was never good.
"Honest answer...?" he said, though it was more rhetorical. He looked into her eyes - beautiful eyes - and replied. "I don't know. I haven't even thought about it happening again. I was more concerned on if you'd kill me, if I'd lose you, if you..." He stopped himself then. "I don't know if I want it again."
---
Maybe if he had talked to her about all of this before, they could have come up with those answers together. But again, he hadn't, and really that was all that this came down to. It wasn't about what he had done, not really about jealousy even, it was about dishonesty. She could handle anything but dishonesty.
A frown pursed her lips as he asked if she wanted an honest answer. Of course she did, and he knew it. And honestly, it was the answer that she expected as she was pretty certain that he hadn't really even given himself a chance to think about that because he was too busy considering everything else. "You'll tell me when you figure it out?" She asked, her voice soft. He would. She knew he would. He wouldn't risk it again.
"So you have to promise me, Blake, that you won't keep things from me anymore. Nothing, no matter how hard it is to talk about it or how scary it may be." She paused to give him a pointed look, her brow arching slightly.
"And furthermore, you have to also swear that you will never, and I mean never, use what we have together to get a reaction from someone else." That had hurt more than all the rest of it put together.
"I still love you." She assured him. And since the decision had been made, "I don't want this to be the end of us."
---
"I'll tell you," he agreed, promised. He looked so desperate for her to give him a chance if she said for him to strip and do a naked dance on the terraces of the school he probably would have. Not that he thought she'd ask such a stupid thing of him, but... there was a possibility. He needed to figure it out though. He just wondered what he reaction would be if it was "yes i want to".
Blake almost sobbed when she said she still loved him, after she'd said everything else building up to it but he took a hold of himself. Breathing in deep he nodded. "I don't want this to be the end of us either... and I swear I will never keep you in the dark, I'll be honest, tell you anything, everything. I can... I'll tell you everything now if you like, whatever you want... but... I didn't use you to provoke a reaction. That night was..." he paused, thinking of the right words. "That night was more for me than for anyone else. I wanted to - I don't know - see if I was a good lover or not..."
---
Saying it made her feel like a weight had been lifted off of her shoulders even if she should probably have felt like one was just added on. This was.. a huge leap of faith on her part. She had no way of knowing how honest he would really be, whether or not he would really keep these promises. She simply had to hope for the best and try to trust him. It wasn't going to be easy, but she was in love enough, or stupid enough depending on who you asked, to at least try.
"I don't want... Let's not talk about that anymore." She didn't want to hear excuses. He could say what he wanted but she still felt the way that she felt about it because of what he had said, because of what Ric had said. Speaking of Ric...
"I'm not going to give you an ultimatum. I'm not going to say that it's him or me but... I would prefer if maybe, at least for a little while, you didn't spend time with him." He could do what he wanted and she would deal with it but she wanted him to know how she felt about it though she was certain he could have guessed it.
"And I'm going to move off campus." She added, though she had just thought of that just that moment, actually. "I.. I can't live near him anymore." She was just too angry at him right now to have to risk facing him day after day. And aside from that, she didn't want him to hear them when they were together. She honestly wanted him to have nothing at all to do with their life anymore but that probably wasn't going to be possible, so she would do what she could to limit it.
---
Blake did the inner joy he had at her not giving him an ultimatum. He'd been prepared to give Ric up, to cut him out of his life completely, to say sorry to his friend and leave it at that. But she hadn't asked that of him which made her an even better person that Blake could ever be. He took a deep breath and nodded. He could do that. He wouldn't go around there for about a week but so long as she didn't mind him talking a little bit to him...
But then she said she was going to move and Blake lokoed panicked. "Off campus?... can't you just... move into another apartment? Mine, even?" He really didn't want her to move off campus - if she did, it meant Blake would be physically torn in two half the time. Not that he wanted to appear desperate but he did seem a little reluctant for her to stay away...
"I understand you don't want to live next door to him. But even if you live off-campus you'll be coming to work and seeing him... I just..." Blake shook his head. "I'm sorry. You should do what you feel like doing, I'm not going to dictate you."
---
Hope was not the type to bother with ultimatums. She would never ask someone to give up something that they didn't do so willingly. If he was going to cut Ric out of his life, it needed to be because he felt that it was the right thing to do, that he felt that it was the best thing for them, not because she had told him to. She did realize, after all, that Ric was his only real friend.
"Move in with you?" She asked. "You would want that?" The thought had crossed her mind that they should just live together. Of course that was before all of this and now there was all of this and... She didn't want him to feel like she was simply trying to keep too close an eye on him. And while that thought was appealing right about now, it was only because she wanted them to be closer that she had thought of it to begin with.
"I don't want to live in the same building. I don't want to be going down the hall or the stairs, or in the elevator and have to be trapped with him. Not right now. And I dunno that they would allow me to move into the other building since it's just me." Those apartments were much larger, designed for more than one person.
---
"Well..." Blake didn't want to look like he was stalling, because he wasn't. He did actually like the idea of them living together but he had to choose the right words. "Yeah. I'm practically living with you anyway, we're never out of the other's apartment so... yeah I'd want that."
But then she continued to say she didn't want to live in the same building and Blake felt his stomach sink. This was going to be hard. Now it was evident on his face that he was finding this difficult though he knew he shouldn't be. If Hope moved out - if the other apartments meant she needed more than one in there - he'd have to move with her. And whilst he was prepared to do that because of their relationship, there was still the thought of leaving Ric behind and having to travel every day and....
"Okay..." he said slowly, not agreeing just yet. "So... you'd need me to move with you."
---
He did seem like he was stalling. And it was clear by the look on his face that he wasn't exactly thrilled about this. She'd really only need one guess as to why.
"I shouldn't have even brought this up right now." She remarked. "Talking about it is just..." She sighed and shook her head. "I mean clearly you don't want to go and I don't want to stay and..." She rubbed her face with her hands. "I'm going to go downstairs and take a shower."
Hope felt rather disgusting right now and she didn't even realize it until just then. She had been curled up beside of him when he had smelled of someone else, then she had practically cleaned his entire apartment before she had cooked breakfast and.. She just really needed a shower, a change of clothes, and a clear head.
---
"No it's...." Blake started, but found he couldn't finish it whilst his brain was in a state of panic. "All I'm saying is I like it here. And it's become home to me - my apartment is cute, and I'm close to you, and... I know I shouldn't mention him but he is.... I mean was... a good friend to me. My best friend. And I know things are going to change, and I know how much you want to move. So if you want to move in to the other place then.... we will."
He'd said he'd do anything to keep her, and he'd meant it.
---
Hope had gotten herself up to her feet while he was talking and had grabbed her housecoat that she had worn up the night before out of the floor merely as a distraction to keep her from simply blowing up on him, perhaps, as she really wanted to do right now.
"No." She replied, and shook her head. "It's fine. You can stay here with your best friend just downstairs and your ex-girlfriend just upstairs and if you want to see me, your girlfriend, then I suppose you can just drive into Danvers where I will be living just as soon as I find a place." She gave him a tight, forced smile before she headed towards the door.
---
"Hope! Please..." Blake stood too and followed her. "Please don't be like this... I said I'd do anything for you and I will. All I want to do is be with you, I'm happy to go and move in to an apartment with you. We can do it tomorrow if you like, just... nobody else matters to me right now. Just you."
He reached out, took hold of her hand. "Please."
---
"Well that's obviously not true, is it?" Hope asked. She was starting to get upset again. It was a bad idea to bring this up. A horrible idea. But she had and now they were here and... Ugh, she was starting to feel like regardless of what either of them wanted, this just wasn't going to work out.
"You know, I.. you hurt me, with him, and then not only are you so incredibly relieved when I don't say 'It's him or me, Blake.', but then your first thought is of how it's going to be an inconvenience to you that I don't want to hang around here where he is when clearly, I want nothing to do with him, I don't want to see him, I don't want to talk about him or think about him and.." A hand moved up to wipe angry tears from her eyes once she had tugged said hand out of his grasp.
"I don't want to tell you not to see him because I want this relationship to mean enough to you that you would make that choice but you're not going to and it doesn't and..." Now she was full on crying, which she hated to do, but she was just incredibly upset right now and couldn't hold it in. "I can't do this."
Hope opened the door and headed down the hall towards the stairs. She couldn't know for sure that he wouldn't follow her. He probably would. But she had to put a little distance between them, had to get back into her space. She felt far too stifled by his.
---
"It IS true..." Hope was slipping away from him. He could feel it. It was enough to make his energies start off again, and sure enough he felt the familiar tug and stirring in his stomach. "I know I hurt you. I know sorry isn't enough, but... I just thought whatever decisions I made you would want them to be when I'd thought about it, when this had died down, not just because you say so and I want to agree with everything you say..."
He did follow her. He scrambled to catch up to her, leaving his door open. "Hope... please..." To see her crying was ripping him up. "This relationship means everything to me. On a scale between one to ten you're six fucking million... please...."
If she didn't stop walking soon he'd have to let her go... and it killed him to think it but he'd have to.
---
Because she said so? Did he really just say that? Was he really that... There weren't even words. And now he was just making her angry in addition to being upset. He had this impossible way about him that she was just now finding out about where he turned things around and made himself into the victim in any given situation when clearly, quite clearly, that was not the case in this one. And it was INFURIATING!
Hope stopped, just in the middle of the hall, and turned around to face him. "Then prove it." Simple enough, right? It wasn't for her to tell him how he was going to or to even know what he had to do to prove it. He was the one that screwed up. It was his job to fix it, not hers. And he either would or he wouldn't.
---
"W..." He was glad she'd stopped. Glad she'd turned around. But he was also terrified of her at this moment. She held the power to crucify him or to take him back, and she had the ability to break that small, thin line between him surviving this and blowing up the apartment building. But he wasn't about to tell her that.
Prove it. "How?"
---
And now he was going to ask her how he was supposed to prove it? "I don't know!" Hope yelled back at him, even though he wasn't the one yelling. It seemed she was the one doing all of that and by now, surely, everyone in the entire building knew all about their business.
"You're the one that broke it so... fix it!" The words were angry, yes, but the last two sounded almost desperate, and it was then that she just gave in to the tears again, both hands coming up to cover her face.
"How am I supposed to believe that you love me when you won't even... And then your first thought is..." She wasn't making any sense, having a hard time completely a full sentence, a full thought, before moving onto the next one, mostly because she was just all to pieces right now. "I just want it all to go away." She whispered.
---
When she cried again, Blake stepped closer, reaching out his hands to place on her arms but instead they just hovered centimeters from touching her. He didn't want her to hurt. He didn't want her to feel bad. But then he'd fucked that up the moment he gave in to temptation and did that with Godric in the car park. "I'll fix it," he promised her, voice trembling as he teared up, spilling over his cheeks. "I'll fix it..."
---
Hope pushed his hands away from her, but not because she didn't want him to touch her, quite the opposite really, but because they were in the way. Her arms hooked around his neck and, with a slight hop up, her legs wrapped around his waist, her lips pressing against his own in a hard, deep, desperate kiss.
Talking wasn't fixing anything. And while it was distinctly possible that this wouldn't fix anything either, she felt as though this was what she needed right now. She needed to know that he desired her, that she was enough for him, that he wanted her today just as much as he had the first time and the last time and every time in between.
His lips tasted salty from his tears which only caused her to moan against them as fingers hooked in the collar of his shirt and tugged upon it, pulling it up as best as she could with what little space there was between them. It needed to be off. He needed to be naked right now.
---
Of all the things Blake was expecting it wasn't this. Once she'd pushed his hands aside he'd believed that was it, it was over - but then her arms and legs were wrapped firmly around him, her mouth was on his lips and he fell backwards against the wall. He moaned deeply into her mouth... her kiss kind of had that effect a lot. His own arms curled around her back, stroking her spine through her clothes.
When she tugged on his collar he grumbled a little, sighed breathily as he pulled away. "Not here..." he said, "not here.." And holding her close to him supporting her weight, he scrambled back down the hall, through his front door, then kicked it shut behind them before he turned and pressed Hope's body against it. Once she was steady he attacked her mouth again. He desired her - of course he desired her - the way she felt beneath him was so incredible, her legs wrapped around him, her smell... there was no way she wouldn't feel what she was doing to him as he pressed his body against her.
Now he was able to pull away, he grabbed the hem of his shirt and pulled it over his head, throwing it to one side before he devoured her mouth again, hands roaming everywhere. He thought he'd lost her... he really believed he'd lost her... and now she was here, and loving him and... jesus he was so very happy. She could even read his mind if she wanted, but there should have been no doubt that this was... incredible for him
---
Hope hadn't even cared that they were in the hallway. He could have had her right then and there, against someone else's door for all she cared, and she wouldn't have cared. She would have let him. They could have woken up the entire floor and she wouldn't have minded at all. But he did, and she would probably be glad that at least one of them was thinking about that in retrospect.
Pressed against the door, Hope arched her body against his own and yes, she could feel exactly what she did to him which just made her want him naked even more. She ached for him in a way that she couldn't even express through words, only through the way that her mouth, her tongue, her lips, moved against his own. She moaned, loudly, as she rocked her hips against his own.
Skin was exposed and her hands danced along his shoulders, his back, his torso and arms, and every where that he touched her, she felt like electric sparks were shooting off. She wasn't so sure that she would categorize this as "love" right about now but it was certainly something. And for whatever reason it felt new and exciting and she wanted him so badly that she could almost cry.
Hope pulled away from the kiss and dropped her legs from around his waist just so she could undress herself, pulling her tank top up and off over her head before she hooked fingers in the waist of her pajama pants and her panties and slid them both off together. Her hands immediately moved to the waist of his baggy jeans, unbuttoning and unzipping them as her large brown eyes peered up into his own, many unspoken words remaining there.
Jeans and boxers were both pushed down over Blake's narrow hips, leaving him to kick them off the rest of the way before she took a step back from him, her back against the door once more. Hope's cheeks were flushed, not only from crying, but also from kissing, her lips pink and slightly swollen, and she locked her eyes, red-rimmed from crying, with his own as she pressed herself back against his door. "Fuck me." She had never in the entirety of her life, much less their relationship, been quite so blunt and provocative. But right now, with things the way they were between them, she felt this was the only way she could be, and wanted to be.
---
Blake really couldn't get enough of her. His addiction was back, and it was stronger and more desperate than ever. He was almost constantly moaning against her, the feel of her hands around him doing more to entice him and arouse... but then her legs were gone and just as he was about to protest he saw her tank top slip over her head and he was staring at her chest. As she took off her pyjamas and panties, Blake ran his hands over her body, across her breasts, around her waist... she was so perfect it was hard for him to focus.
His eyes were heavy and lidded as he gazed at her, leaving her to take off the belt and catches on his jeans before he shoved them down, kicking them away. He was panting, needy, and his hands continued to roam.
Those two words sent visible shivers down his spine, goosebumps all over his body. He took a moment to look at her, just a brief moment as he adored her, then dived down to kiss her. His erection had grown, his body was on fire, and he pressed his body flush against her to show her just how much he wanted her. Hands slid down underneath her thighs, bringing her legs up around his hips. He wasn't yet prepared, wasn't positioned right, but he shifted them both, kissing her neck, moaning against her skin.
The head of his cock was against Hope now, and he thrust forward, letting out a loud cry as she enveloped him completely. He took a moment, pausing to feel her around him, then gradually building up a pace he became harder and deeper, moaning loudly with every move. "Oh, fuck Hope..."
---
This was what she needed. She needed to see his want for her, to feel it. She needed to see him shiver in response to her and no one else. She needed to know that it could be just as intense between them now as it had always been. She needed to know that it could still be hot and passionate and orgasmic without it having anything at all to do with Godric Witt.
Goosebumps formed upon her skin as his hands roamed over the curves of her body which practically begged to be touched by him. She moaned into the kiss, even more so when she felt his body press hard against her own, felt that need that she alone had incited pressing into her. Legs wrapped willingly around his waist as he lifted her up and she arched her neck into each and every kiss.
That single thrust alone was enough to make her tremble, to make her body shudder as he drove into her, her sex accommodating him like a glove. She had to imagine that, since he was her first, her only, she would always feel like he was the perfect fit. And she savored that feeling just as he did, with his shaft buried deep inside of her, her muscles pulsing around him.
As his hips began to move, she rocked hers back in return, each and every moan that parted his lips forming one from her own which echoed off of the walls around them. And then it struck her. This was the first time they'd ever done this in his apartment. Hope's fingers entangled in his hair, tugging his lips up to meet her own in another kiss as she worked her hips against his, driving him in harder and deeper with each thrust, making her body tremble.
"Tell me that you love fucking me." She whispered against his lips when she finally broke the kiss. "Tell me how much you love being inside me." She nipped at his lower lip then drew a line from his chin all the way up along his jaw to his ear with her tongue.
---
There was no way Blake could stop moaning. Every move that Hope made around him, every roll of his hips that he drove into her made him shudder. This was what he loved - this was what he'd needed too, and though he'd been supporting her with his hands he began to knead her breasts, squeeze at her ass, inducing gutteral groans from deep in his throat.
"Ugh, Oh god..." His head dipped to kiss and nip at her neck, hot breaths against her skin. "Hope... I love fucking you... driving into you... I love having my cock inside you, filling you deep and... hoah fuck... you're perfect. You're everything... your body is... fucking hell..."
He was lost. His voice disappeared as he continued to thrust, shallow now, hitting her at the hilt. He was in all the way, filling her, writhing, grinding... and just as he captured her lips again he began to lose control, building up enough to slam into her hard against the door, making it rock and bang with every thrust.
---
If it wasn't the way that he moved his hips that was driving her mad, it was the way that his hands kneaded at her flesh. And if that hadn't been enough to make her tremble and moan, hearing him say such dirty things.. It only made her hotter and wetter for him if that was even possible.
Hope licked his earlobe, teasing it with her teeth, and then she moaned. "Blake, I love the way you fuck me. I love the way you fit me, fill me, stretch me out. I love your cock. I love... Oh god..." She moaned loudly. "I love it when you make me cum. And when you cum inside of me.. the way your cock pulses inside of me...." Apparently, she liked talking dirty. She never knew that about herself until now.
But as he lost his voice, her own became capable of nothing more than loud moans and soft whimpers and simple phrases like "fuck" and "oh god" and, of course, "Blake". He drove into her hard and deep, his hips slamming into hers as her own hips rotated back against his own. He'd found the spot, the perfect spot, the one that made her entire body shudder, the one that made her scream, the one that made her orgasm so hard and so tight around him that she felt like she was going to pass out.
---
Blake loved that she liked talking dirty. He'd never really tried it before, thought it didn't effect anyone but jesus christ, the way Hope sounded as she said it, the fact those words were actually coming out of her mouth, sounding dirtier than ever... innocent, wonderful Hope telling her how his cock felt, how she liked him inside her as she orgasmed, liked the feel of him... not liked, loved...
In reponse, Blake grabbed her hips. He steadied her, continuing to thrust inside but he began to bring her towards him with every move, driving her down onto his hardness as he move upwards... there was almost no breath left in his body, his own sounds coming from his mouth being that of approval, need, desire, lack of control and a lot of 'Fuck, yes, Hope...'
Anyone within a ten foot distance would be able to hear them, hear the banging of the door, the grunts and even growls that were being yelled from his apartment. "I fucking love you," he moaned, sounding gutteral and completely gone, "I love fucking you and I fucking love you... ohh fuck..."
She was pulsing down, crying out louder, and Blake's own voice met her screams as his whole body tense and he released hard inside of her, riding it out with as much force as he could. He wanted to hit her hilt, feel him fill her.... and as his muscles relaxed, the tension easing, the moment he was spent he let out a long whimper, his forehead dropping against her own, body shaking as he held her.
---
They were most definitely going to have to do that more often. Not every time, no, because not every time would need to be as rough, as raw, as this time was, but they would have to do it again because, wow. Just.. wow. It was too good not to.
"Oh God!" She cried out, her hips jerking against his own as he yanked her hard onto him, making her entire body feel like it was absolutely going to split apart with pleasure. "I fucking love you too. I love fucking you. Oh, fuck, Blake! I'm going to.." She couldn't even get the words out.
Hope saw lightening behind her eyes as her entire body seemed to curl up into a tense knot and then suddenly release in itself in a flood that radiated throughout her entire being, making every inch of her skin tingle, her body glistening from sweat, her breath coming in quick, short pants as she collapsed against the wall and he against her.
Hope's arms had fallen limp around Blake, but it only took her a moment to recover enough to pull him to her, to wrap those arms lovingly around him as she sought out his lips for a kiss, then his cheek, his nose, his forehead, the taste of his sweat just as salty as the taste of his tears had been. She had needed that. She was sure they both had.
Once she had caught her breath and her body had stopped shaking enough for her to think, for her to even speak, she pressed a kiss against his earlobe, sweet and tender as her fingers stroked down along his back. "Take me to bed." She whispered. "I want to spend the day laying in bed with you, tangled up in you, making love to you. I don't want to talk and I don't want to fight anymore today."
---
Blake was panting but as his heartrate came down from its thundering highs he managed to calm himself slightly, stroking her body. Heat was pouring out of her, their temperatures raging as they mingled together. He liked staying within her as they both calmed, he liked being joined together afterwards, feeling close to her.
Her request was met with a brief smile and a nod as he nuzzled his nose against her, trying to catch her lips after she had finished speaking, giving her a long, deep kiss. Delving his tongue inside her mouth he didn't want to move just yet. He wanted to prolong this moment, this length of silence as they remained locked around each other, arms and limbs entangled. Their muscles were still throbbing, and Blake wanted to remember that.
"I like that idea," he said finally, breaking his mouth from hers. Cautiously he moved and slipped out of her, keeping her still before he helped her stand on the floor. His hands didn't move from her body though. "I'm yours, Hope," he added softly, kissing her once more, before waiting for her to lead him.
---
Hope did not mind in the least that he didn't want to move yet. She just wanted nothing more than to be wrapped up in him all day long. Of course it would get quite uncomfortable if they were to decide to stay that way here, against the door, especially when they were both still quite sore from sleeping in the floor the night before. But she enjoyed the kiss, and she gave herself fully to it, her tongue dancing with his as she moaned softly against his lips.
A smile graced her lips as he agreed to it though she whimpered a little when he had to put her down. She couldn't expect him to carry her everywhere, though. He was probably quite exhausted after that. Her eyes fluttered closed as he kissed her again, and she whispered in response, "I'm yours, Blake.", before she took his hand and led the way into the bedroom.
Once there, Hope climbed into the bed and pulled him in with her, her lips immediately finding his own in a kiss as her hand moved to his chest to stroke fingers lightly against his skin. She had every intention of kissing and touching every inch of him before the day was done. She wanted to make love to him until they were both spent, exhausted, and then she wanted to do it all over again. Right now, however, her primary focus was building him up so he'd be ready for take two.