Hope O'Shea (hopehasit) wrote in tiberiusswann, @ 2009-05-07 00:10:00 |
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Entry tags: | blake, hope |
Saturday - 11/3/07
Who: Blake and Hope
When: After his tryst with Ric
Where: Hope's apartment
What: Blake has a confession to make.
Having passed out in the car on the way home from their hellishly stupid night out, Blake awoke to Godric poking him and practically dragging him out of the car. It had taken a few moments for him to realise what was happening but when he did his stomach did a lurch and he almost threw up - such was the after effects on cheating on your girlfriend with a vampire who'd suckled on your neck (amongst other things). Clearly blood loss was not a good thing for an energy demon to have. He needed Godric's support as he walked up the stairs but he didn't even say goodnight as he prepared to enter Hope's apartment. It was too painful, too horrid to look at him because when he did not only was he reminded of what had just happened, he was reminded of the want and lust that still remained there.
After pausing, trying to stop his insides from turning, Blake opened the door to Hope's apartment. He had to tell her. Ric had been right. And whilst fear was coursing through every single vein in his body he stepped into the room and closed the door behind him.
His pallour was pale, sickly and he leant back on the frame a little as if he was scared he was about to faint. What the fuck had happened tonight? Had it been worth the possibility of losing the most beautiful and understanding woman he'd been priviledged to have to love him? His stomach gave an almighty pull at that thought and he almost contorted inwards.
He didn't want to move. He wouldn't move. He'd just .... be.
---
Hope had been sleeping. She had been sleeping rather peacefully at that. But there was one thing that the empath had not yet mastered and that was how to keep the feelings of others around her, especially those closest to her, from impacting her whenever she was in that state. The energy in her entire apartment shifted the moment that Blake entered. And her dream suddenly turned quiet uncomfortable, enough so to wake her up and cause her to sit up straight in her bed.
She felt.. sick. And she also felt guilty. Where was that coming from? Her brow furrowed with confusion as she shifted on the bed and placed her bare feet upon the floor. Was she not alone in her apartment? She listened intently for a moment but she heard nothing. She pushed herself to her feet nonetheless and made her way from the bedroom into the hall, grabbing her fluffy white housecoat to pull it on over top of her flannel pyjama pants and white tank top that she wore.
The light into the living room was flipped on as she was on her way to the kitchen to grab a glass of water and that was when she saw him, leaning there against the door jamb, and she stopped in place and just looked at him for a moment. It was Blake. She was feeling what he felt. And that realization had run over her like ice water being tossed over top of her head.
"What's happened?" Why did he feel sick? Or more importantly, why did he feel guilty? Her stomach tightened up in knots and she felt ill though she wasn't sure if it was her that felt that way or if it was him. And she was in too much shock to simply shut him out. She couldn't really think to focus.
---
The dark had been nice, it had been like stepping into another world where he could lie forgotten and just stand there... unfeeling. Except he wasn't unfeeling - he was very much feeling, feeling everything and obviously it was strong enough to wake Hope. As soon as he heard her enter the room his insides sank even lower. Why did he have to do this? Why?
He knew she could feel him, he saw it in her eyes. Those beautiful eyes which showed such concern for him, such affection that he almost broke down in tears infront of her. All of a sudden he felt dirty, like he needed to be scrubbed down and dismissed.
"I..." his throat tightened the moment he tried to speak. Still weak from before he took a breath to calm himself but it didn't stop him from almost sliding down the door onto the carpet below. "I'm sorry, Hope...."
---
Hope had made a promise that she would never try to feel what he felt without his permission. She had done well to keep that promise up until now. There were times when it just couldn't be helped, however, and when someone was upset enough to wake her from her sleep, then that counted as one of those times.
The more she felt, however, the less she wanted to feel, and she was trying her best to put those walls back up just so she didn't have to be inside of it, of him, whenever he told her whatever it was he had come here to say.
"What happened?" She asked again, her voice low and soft, hardly above a whisper. She could already feel the weight of what he was going to say crushing her insides and he hadn't even come out with it yet. But it was bad. She knew it was bad. And she knew that... Well she just knew that she didn't want to hear it, but she had to.
---
"I need to sit down..."
But instead of walking to the couch like a normal person Blake just let himself drop. His legs had finally given way beneath him and he leant his head back against the door, neck exposed as were the two puncture marks embedded by Godric.
"I'm..." Blake's eyes were already filling with tears and he looked at her, biting his bottom lip. "You've always said be honest. So that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to be honest with you. And if you hate me afterwards I won't blame you, if you throw me out I won't blame you, but just know that I love you and I adore you and I never meant for any of this to..."
A breath would be good, Blake. Inhaling sharply he tried to stop himself from overdoing it, gulping down. "Ric... Godric... and I... Monday, on Monday, we kissed. It was rum-induced and only because.... well he said he'd been thinking of kissing me for a week and I said well just do it and get it over with because it's going to make us weird. I gave him a little peck just a five second kiss worth nothing, and then he's in my lap and he's taking my face and... shit..."
---
The moment that he slid down into the floor, Hope felt the urge to rush over to him and make sure that he was alright. But she was frozen to the spot. She couldn't move. She could only just stand there and look at him with those wide, brown eyes of hers.
The bite marks upon his neck were like a sharp kick to the gut and then he started to profess his love for her and that was when she knew that this really was going to be as bad as she thought it was going to be. "Go on." She said softly, though her tone had taken on a slight iciness that was not at all common with her.
When he said his name, she felt it. She felt it rush over her like a sudden heat wave in the middle of an ice storm. She was going to be sick. A hand reached out to grab the wall nearest her for support though she still didn't move from that spot. "You kissed?" She asked. "And?" He wouldn't be this upset if it were only a kiss, if it were only Monday.
---
Blake could feel her energy too. And he wasn't blind. To witness what this was doing to her was like someone had stabbed him in the chest and it wasn't even at the bad part yet. He licked his lips despite his dry mouth, body shuddering. The icy patch on her voice was almost killing him.
"And that was it..." he said, "we agreed no more, it was for the best, no more... but Tuesday..." Blake closed his eyes tight. "I was so upset about the baby. And failing you. And that I'd done that to you on Monday. I tried to talk to Ric and I got drunk and tensions spilled over and I got mad, told him to fuck off and.... then I heard him with Georgette, and I knew that was because of me, I'd sent him to her, and..." He was probably making no sense at all, and he couldn't even run a hand through his hair.
"He sends me this email. This email about how much it's down to me, that he wants me, but that it's not worth risking what I have with you - and it isn't. It isn't. I agreed with him, and I said my piece that I - that I did find him attractive. Because that kiss hadn't just been a kiss it had been a fucking barrier breaker, and I was still reeling..." This time Blake did run a hand through his hair, but only to stop Hope from seeing him cry. "We agreed to be friends. Friends. And though I didn't want to go out with him tonight he persuaded me to go in that fucking club..."
---
This only got worse and worse the more that he spoke about it. And she was having a very hard time just keeping it together, a very hard time just listening to it all but she knew she needed to hear it all. She didn't want to run out and then have to come back and do this all over again. It needed to be all done now. She needed to hear it all done now.
So he was upset about Monday on Tuesday. And Tuesday Ric had... It was all making sense now. She let out a wry laugh as she pieced that part of the puzzle together. "That's why Ric said you owed him one." They had just had that conversation this morning. "So that's what last night was really all about then? Paying him back?"
The more he said, the more... well angry she became. Right now she was just angry. She was sure that she was hurt too, but mostly she was just angry. And she wasn't sure who she was more angry at right now. If it was Blake because of what he had done, which he still hadn't gotten to the heart of yet, or if it was Ric... Ric who was so polite to her this morning... Ric who would smile and be kind to her face but was, in the meanwhile, behind her back doing all of this?!? She was furious!
"Just get to the point already, Blake!" She snapped at him. She honestly had no idea how much longer she could stand here and listen to this. "What happened at the club? What happened tonight? What is it that you're so fucking terrified of telling me?"
---
Blake practically broke down. He couldn't take hearing her angry. It was the first time he'd seen her like this and he hated it. Despised it but more importantly he despised himself. He was silent for several minutes, just crying into his hands. No. It definitely hadn't been worth it.
When he was finally able to stop sobbing he rubbed his eyes, speaking with his voice muffled against his chest, hanging his head with his hands gripping his hair.
"I didn't like the strip club. He took me to another one. Turned out to be a gay bar. I started dancing. He didn't want to so I just poked him. Then he dragged me close and we were... close, for a while. Then I said I was going to get a drink because we were slipping into dangerous territory and the next thing I know his mouth was on me..."
He was talking in a monotone voice now. It was beyond repair he knew it. He stared into space, his cheeks still wet with a constant stream of tears. "I could have stopped it. Should have done. We went to the parking lot and we kissed, and he... I didn't tell him to but he..." he couldn't bring himself to say it. He wouldn't say it. "....to me... and then he bit my neck... he fed on me...."
Was he to tell her the last part? Incriminate himself even more? Well it was a lost cause, so he thought perhaps foolishly to continue being honest. "And then he told me he wasn't... done... so I had to...." His words fell into thin air, his voice trailing off. It was almost like he was dying, and to a certain extent he wished he was.
---
The fact that he was crying and she wasn't only upset her that much more. Or not upset, but pissed her off. She was pissed off. It was easier to fixate on that emotion than it was to allow herself to feel anything else. If she did, she might curl up into a ball in the floor and never move again. That's what she felt like doing. She felt like everything inside of her was just twisting in on itself.
Hope was silent as he finished his story, no more outbursts, at least not until he was pretty much done with it. And then he said that he "had to". He had to? She laughed again, the sound abrupt and short before it fell away and she simply repeated his words, the distaste heard clearly upon her tongue. "Had to."
So that was that then. And she knew she had to do something, to say something, but all she could do for the moment was simply stand where she was and try not to be sick, try not to cry, try not to.. to simply fall apart.
"Get out of my apartment." The first time she said it, she could only get it out in a whisper. But the second time. "Get out." She said it with a bit more force. And by the third time, even though he could barely move and certainly hadn't had time to listen the first two times around, she was screaming. "GET OUT OF MY APARTMENT, NOW!!!"
Let Ric hear that and show his face here. Right now she could bloody well claw his eyes out.
---
"Hope, please..." he'd started, the moment he believed she'd be chastising him for the words he used but what came next was the killer blow. Looking like he'd just been slapped with a crowbar Blake's eyes widened. Oh shit - he'd never ancitipated her to be this angry, feel her this angry... his energies were going all over the place and he struggled to his feet. He felt it wise to obey but he didn't want to go he didn't want to leave it like this.
"Hope..." he practically begged her. "I love you... I'm so sorry..." Yeah, Blake was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. He was draining of energy, drained of blood, and drained of the only strength he'd had left- Hope. "I'm so sorry.. I never meant to...."
---
Hope was NOT going to break down in front of him. She wasn't going to let him see her cry. She didn't want him to know how badly he had hurt her. She just.. she just wanted to be angry with him until he had gone and then she could break down, then she would be just fine to do it once she was alone.
But in spite of her resolve, she felt herself crumbling fast, and she couldn't be entirely sure if it was all just her and what she felt or if some of it was him. And she hated that. And she hated him. Right now, she despised him with every fiber of her being.
"But not enough!" She yelled back at him, because it was easier to yell than it was to cry though in spite of herself, hot tears were now beginning to stain her cheeks. "Not enough to be honest with me when that is all, ALL, that I ever asked of you!"
If he had just come to her when this had first started, before this had all happened. If he had just told her on Monday then maybe, just maybe, she could have worked this out with him, she could have processed her feelings in a rational way and felt like.. like maybe they were better because they could talk about it.
But he hadn't. Instead, he had betrayed her. And more than that, she felt like he had used her. The night before, when they were together, it had been.. wonderful. She had felt more alive than she had in weeks. She had felt more like she had when they were first together and all of that... All of it had been for Ric's benefit.
---
It had most definitely not been all for Ric's benefit, but he would not be able to explain that - not for now at least. Had he known she'd deal with it rationally, known for sure that this could be plausible to get through, he would have told her. Telling her of a kiss was a damn sight better than telling her they'd been groping in a fucking parking lot getting kinky against Godric's car.
"I didn't..." Blake stammered. "I thought it would pass! I prayed to heaven and hell that it would, I didn't want to... I thought you wouldn't..." Ow, this hurt. His insides gave a jolt and he felt his nervous system go dangerously skitzoid. "I wanted to be honest. I'm being honest now... I never wanted to hurt you, you're everything... everything..."
And ow again... he was almost doubled up but he would keep talking, damn fucking hell he would keep talking. "I love you with all my heart and if you want me to leave then I will, if you want me to cut Ric out of my life then I will - I would do anything for you. I never ever meant to betray you and I'm such a fucking idiot I don't deserve you I've always known I don't deserve you. Everything I've said to you is true, I love you... I want to be with you, have my kids with you... I want to love you... pleargh..."
He wasn't going to blow up. He couldn't.
---
Well now he would never know how she would have dealt with it. And she would never know how she would have dealt with it either. She could say now that it would have been different, and she did know that to be the case, but how it would have varied, if the outcome would have been the same, neither of them would know now.
"Well I already told you to leave, didn't I?" Hope asked, her tone starting to grow bitter again in spite of the fact that she was full on crying now. She'd be sobbing if it weren't for the yelling. "And great, yes, now cut him out of your life, after you've already gotten it out of your system, after the damage has already been done. That's wonderful, Blake. Just a bloody brilliant idea!"
And now he was starting to get sick. And she could feel it. She could feel what it felt like for him. And the part of her that would have been worried about him was overthrown by the part of her that was too angry to be worried for him.
"Don't do that, Blake!" Her tone was firm though her voice was cracking. "You don't get to be the one that falls apart when you're the one that broke my heart." And that was when her own walls came tumbling down and she crumpled to the floor in tears.
---
"I br... I br...."
He wanted to go over and hug her. He wanted to hold her. And he did walk over to her, reached out a hand to touch her back. "I'm so sorry... I should have told you, I wanted to tell you, I just didn't want to ruin everything and now I have..."
Blake needed to get out. The pain was too much for several reasons and he knew if he wasn't careful he could do some serious damage in here, he could harm Hope, even seriously... His body convulsed and he almost bent double, but gathering strength in himself he tore from Hope and stumbled backwards.
"I'll leave. Not be...because I want to... because I have to... I don't want to hurt you any more than I already ha..." The lightbulb overhead shattered and he jumped backwards, knowing it was him. The door was just behind him and he grabbed the handle, the other hugging himself to try and stop his nerves from popping. "I love you... I will always love you... I just... you're the only one..."
And with that Blake took what he believed to be his last look at Hope O'Shea and scrambled through the door, doubling up and feeling the corridor spin the moment he'd made it out.
---
When he moved over to her and placed a hand upon her shoulder, she sort of lost it. She was still crying, sobbing so hard that it hurt, in fact, but she was not so out of it that she couldn't find it in her to yell at him. "Don't touch me!" How could he even have the audacity to do that right now? How could he even think that that would be okay?
This was just so fucked up for so many reasons. It was fucked up that this had happened, that he had done this to her. It was fucked up that he got to be the one that was falling to pieces right now and not her. And while she knew it wasn't his fault, not entirely, not that he was having a hard time keeping it together, it still just made her angry. It made her angry with him, but mostly it just made her angry with herself.
She loved him. And she couldn't just leave him like this knowing he could self-destruct.
Just as he would have gone down, just as the corridor gave way to a spinning mess, Hope slipped her arms around his waist and hoisted him up against her. "Don't talk." She whispered. She couldn't take any more talking right now. She then began the not so easy task of attempting to get him from point A to point B, the corridor in front of her apartment to his own apartment one floor up and onto the grounding mat that she had installed for him the last time something like this had happened.
It was no easy task. Carrying him was almost like carrying dead weight and, had she not been drained already, she was certainly entirely drained by the time she sank onto the floor, onto the mat she had installed, with him still in her arms.
---
Blake was surprised to feel arms sliding around him, wondering if Go'al'enu had come out from the other apartment as he'd begun to collapse, or had he finally just died? He turned around dizzily to see Hope at his side and it was almost enough to get him to straighten up from surprise. He helped her as best he could, without a word as she'd instructed.
The last thing he wanted was to make her even angrier with him. Finding a little strength in his silence, he nevertheless knew she must be getting a few shocks from his system. The moment she sank onto the mat and he was gripping the surface he expelled one hell of a lot energy, feeling it practically flow out of him like blood and water.
The way he looked was like he was almost dead - eyes open and unfocused, staring into space, almost motionless. He didn't want Hope any more, not beside him seeing him waste away. But he sighed, waiting for his body to stop but it didn't show any signs of doing so...
---
For all intents and purposes, she should have just left him there. She should have just left him in the hallway on his own to try to figure out a way back this apartment by himself. He deserved that. He deserved to be a wreck. He deserved to deconstruct right then and there. But she didn't have it in her. She wasn't capable of being so callous no matter how hurt she was.
By the time they had made it up to his apartment, she felt completely and totally numb, which was a nice change. She couldn't think about it anymore tonight. She couldn't feel it anymore tonight. She was impossibly exhausted and she just.. she needed to rest. She'd think about all of this tomorrow.
She said not a word as she pushed herself to her feet, leaving Blake there, his outward appearance reflecting the way she felt inside, and went to grab a couple of pillows and a blanket from his bed. She returned, tossed the pillows onto the floor as he would not be leaving that spot for tonight, then slipped out of her housecoat.
Had Hope not numbed herself to feeling any of this, she would have been more angry with herself for not being able to just walk away and leave him there alone. But he was ill, and she couldn't bring herself to do that. She couldn't leave and risk something happening to him. She just couldn't do it. So she sank into the floor beside him and began to arrange the pillows and the blanket that she had brought.
"Lay down with me." Her voice was hardly above a whisper when she spoke and though her tone had lost its iciness, her voice was still rather toneless. "We should just sleep. We can talk tomorrow." Right now, she just wanted to hold him and be held by him in case this was the last time, the last night, they spent together.
---
Blake had expected her to leave now that he was settled, now that he was suitably flushing every ounce of energy away down into that mat and the pole - but she didn't. Blinking his eyes and showing signs of life for the first time, Blake watched her in amazement as she threw the pillows beside him then lay down.
What she should have done was left him outside to rot and pay penance for what he'd done. Leave him alone outside and cold like he wanted to be, not even helping - but Hope wasn't like that. She was kind, and nuturing and more than Blake deserved. But he didn't say this - he didn't want to ruin everything again by speaking and just when she was settled beside him he reached out a hand to take hers, looking into her eyes.
He prayed it wasn't the last time. Though he wouldn't be surprised if it was. She was more than he deserved, too special, needed someone who wouldn't hurt her. Their relationship would probably change, their whole dynamic... but he really wanted to stay with her, to move past it. As the last bout of convulsions stopped, his eyes closed.