Kennedy Chase (gratefulgrace) wrote in tiberiusswann, @ 2012-05-29 11:46:00 |
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Entry tags: | ken, kennedy, lupe |
Friday May 23rd 2009
Who: Ken and Lupe
What: A hard conversation
Where: Their apartment
When: Evening
Rating: PG
Days had passed since he and Lupe had talked, and Ken had tried to give her space but he couldn't live in this apartment anymore until they talked, really talked, face to face. She had been avoiding him, and Ken didn't blame her, but he didn't like walking on eggshells. So he had cooked dinner, spaghetti because she liked that, and he was sitting at the dinner table waiting for her to come home. He had already said grace, but waited before eating. He was nervous and didn't think he could eat anyway.
Lupe came to the apartment after having spent another evening at the club. Sitting at one of the tables, with a few shots of tequila instead of a meal. Her appetite had greatly diminished, so she came home after an hour of pointless staring. Hanging her bag on the hook, she paused by the kitchen, seeing the table already set with a plate for her and Ken obviously waiting. "Sorry to keep you," she said softly. Walking into the room, she sat at her seat since it was expected. Lupe picked up her fork and twirled the pasta, but couldn't bring herself to eat.
---
Watching his young wife for a moment, Ken had his hands clasped in front of him, chin rested on his knuckles. "Chiquita," he said quietly, "can we please talk about this? I know that it's... not easy... but we need to. I don't want to live like this, avoiding each other. I don't want to feel like my best friend is slipping out of my reach."
---
Glancing up briefly, Lupe set her fork down, eyes on the pasta. "Si." She didn't know what Ken wanted to talk about. He regretted what they'd done, the love they'd shared. That hurt deeply, and Lupe wasn't sure just how to act anymore. The easy affection they once had, she now wondered if he would read more into it, no longer see it the same way. See her or them the same way.
---
Pausing for a moment, Ken waited to see if she had more to say, but it didn't seem as though she did. That was okay. He'd had a feeling that he would need to be the one to start the talking. Clearing his throat softly, Ken took a sip from his water glass, mostly to stall. "You are my best friend, Lupe," he said, thinking that maybe this would help keep the conversation from stinging too much. "That's not going to change no matter what. And, what happened last week, when we.... w-well when we... ahem," he coughed slightly, taking another sip of water. This was a lot more uncomfortable than he'd imagined. But he took a deep breath and pressed on. "I've known you since you were very young, and so often I still see you as a young girl, naive, and full of hope. I've watched you grow up and that makes it hard to see you as a... w-well, as a woman. In that way. But after what has happened... and what we, ahm... what we did... I can't look at you in just that way anymore. You're different to me now, and I don't know how to feel about it. I mean... I know that you did those things with other men, but uhm... I wasn't... I never..." Blushing, Ken closed his eyes for a moment, trying as hard as he could to just spit it out, to keep this simple and not let his modesty get the better of him. "I didn't think I would ever be in your life in that way. And I am conflicted about that."
---
Lupe glanced up at him now and again. At first she was actually hopeful that this wouldn't be what she thought it would be, but as Ken kept talking, her face fell and she went back to poking at noodles with her fork. In soft Spanish, she asked, "Do you regret having sex with me?" Lupe wanted to call it something different, because it wasn't just sex to her, but with how awkward Ken was apparently feeling, it was simply sex and a meal for him.
---
It was a very hard question to answer, and Ken took his time in thinking it over carefully. "No," he decided finally. "I don't think so. It wasn't... how I expected it to be, and it wasn't the way that I've always wanted it to be, but it... I don't feel like it was wrong. I mean I don't regret it. I do love you, Lupe." He looked up at her, trying to catch her eye, although he himself felt too shy to really hold eye contact. "I do."
---
Now that was unexpected. Blinking, Lupe looked up at him, sitting up more in her chair. He kept going and she dropped back more into her chair. So while he didn't regret the sex, it wasn't what he'd wanted. She wasn't good enough. "You love me as a friend." Simple statement. Not a question.
---
"Yes," he said quietly, slouching a bit in his own seat. He had a feeling that this wasn't an answer that she wanted, and the disappointment literally radiating off her solidified that. He'd suspected that Lupe had a sort of school girl crush on him, but he didn't think it was anything more than puppy love. That didn't seem to be the case. "What would you like to happen now?" he asked of her after a moment. "Where should we go from here?"
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Lupe licked her lips and took a steadying breath. She did not want to cry, not here at the table. Not in front of Ken. She'd done her fair share of it behind closed doors, but thought she'd finished. She prodded a noodle with her fork. "I don't know." It was easier for her to think and speak in Spanish, so that was what she did. "You want to go back to the way things were. I do not think I can."
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If Lupe wanted to speak in Spanish, then Ken would as well. "I can not... do that with you anymore," he said quietly. "I can not be intimate with you in that way like it was before." He couldn't just have sex with someone he wasn't in love with, and as much as he loved Lupe, it wasn't right. It wasn't the same. It wasn't the kind of love that a man should have for his wife.
---
Lupe nodded, having already known that was the answer. Slowly, she pushed her plate back from the edge and stood. In her mind, there was only one option. She needed to pack.
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Sort of startled, Ken looked up, watching Lupe get to her feet and start to walk away. "Lupe?" he called, feeling a sudden tinge of nervousness. There was a leaden, heavy feeling coming from her that he didn't like. It made Ken's heart tighten as he stood as well.
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Lupe paused at the door, turning back and leaning against the frame for support. "You want to go back. I can not." She licked her lips, took a breath and looked at him, tears threatening to fall though she barely held them back. "So I will pack and leave." She knew how badly Kennedy wanted to get married to someone he loved and she was keeping that from him. "I will..." The word was on the tip of her tongue.
---
The words, the emotions, the look on Lupe's face... all of it hit Ken in the chest like a knife. She looked devastated, heartbroken, and she was leaving him. His wife, his best friend, was leaving. "But..." he said weakly, choking up. What could he say? She couldn't go back to them being friends, and he couldn't continue being with her that way. If she needed space, he had to give it to her. How could he ask her to stay for his sake when he had hurt her this much?
"Lupe, I'm... I'm so sorry," he whispered, tears lining his own eyes, and he did nothing to hide them. He could feel her sadness, and she could feel his, so there was no point trying to cover it up. "Please don't go."
---
The tears slid down her cheeks, a sure sign her heart was broken. "Why not?" Lupe's voice came out a choked whisper. "Even if you wanted to be with me, we can't. I'm a demon." For the first time, Lupe hated what she was, what she was losing because of her birth.
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He couldn't help himself. When Lupe began to cry, Ken did too. Reaching a hand out, he wiped the tears from her cheeks with his fingertips, cursing himself for hurting her this way. He should have known better. He should never have brought her to America like this, never should have been so careless with her.
"Is our friendship not enough?" he asked her gently, wishing that it could be, that she might reconsider and say yes, it was enough. He hoped against hope that she would reconsider.
---
Lupe stood there, wanting to lean into his touch, but knowing she shouldn't. "I love you." She said it in English, thinking it would mean more to him. "It hurts to know I am not enough for you, when you are all I could want. You are too good for me." Taking a fortifying breath, Lupe continued. "Maybe that is the problem. You are too good and I am not good enough." She paused again, gnawing on her lower lip.
---
He hadn't thought that anything in the world could shock him more than Lupe telling him that she was leaving him, but this did it. His lips parted slightly in a small, shocked gasp. How could she think that? How could she think for even one second that she wasn't good enough for him? "What?" he asked softly, still reeling. "You... of course that's not it! How could you think something like that?" He couldn't hold back. Both arms reached out for Lupe, pulling her into a tight embrace. "It isn't because you aren't good enough. Don't think that for even one more second, you silly little girl. That's not it. Never."
---
Kennedy knew how to take the knife and twist it without even realizing it. Lupe allowed the hug, holding him tightly because she knew it was one of the last ones she'd get from him. "It is," she insisted. "You are angel, and I am demon. I am not good. Not good enough." Biting her lip again, she pulled away. "I am no little girl anymore, Kennedy."
---
Letting her go hurt so much, it felt like a piece of his heart was being taken away. "I know you aren't," he agreed, sadly. "I know. I'm sorry that I treat you that way, I'll work on it, I will. But you're not... just because you are a demon doesn't mean you're not good. You are good, Lupe. You're a good woman. You're bright, and smart, you're funny and resourceful, you are a great friend to me." He had spent the last fifteen years knowing this girl, having her as a presence in his life. He had spent the last eighteen months with her in his daily life, in his space, always at his side. Losing Rachel had been hard, heartbreaking, but losing Lupe would be too much. "Please, please don't go, Lupe. Please stay."
---
It hurt to stay, and it would hurt to go. Lupe sagged against the doorframe, torn. If she left, they'd both be unhappy. If she stayed, at least Kennedy would be happy. Sighing softly, she nodded, tears still sliding down her cheeks. She didn't bother to wipe them away any more, just letting them fall.
---
Despite how relieved he felt, Ken knew that Lupe was still miserable, and it was his fault. He didn't know what to do to fix it, though. He wanted to do anything to make her happy, to make her feel like she belonged here, but he didn't know what would do it. "Thank you," he said softly. "I'm going to try and make this better. I don't know how, but... I will. I promise, Lupe. I want you to be happy."
---
Lupe nodded again. She wasn't sure what else to say. She knew in her heart that this was not what would make Kennedy happy. All she wanted was that. She pushed away from the wall, stomach in knots. Lupe knew she needed to feed soon, but she wasn't sure she would be able to.
---
With a sad half smile, Ken gently rubbed Lupe's arm, then turned to return to the kitchen to clean up. As long as she was staying, he could figure this out. He could fix this, somehow make it right. Maybe they needed a divorce. Maybe she couldn't really be happy unless she had someone more like her, someone that could give her what she really needed.