Monday April 27th, 2009
Who: Rorie and Garret What: Talking about the awkward confession Where: Their house When: Midmorning
Garret had woken up with a massive hangover and little to no memory of the evening's events. After laying in bed for a good hour, fighting with his brain to stay awake, he finally noticed that the bed was very absent of Rorie, and this began the ball rolling. Where was Rorie? Maybe he was making breakfast. Ugh, the thought of food made Garret's stomach turn. Was the chinese food still out on the table? Were the liquor bottles still scattered all over the floor? But why would they be on the floor? His hazy mind grabbed at pieces to the puzzle, trying to remember as he stumbled (still in his sneakers and yesterday's clothing, apparently) down the stairs and into the kitchen. Yep, still a mess. And a pair of girl's pants were on the floor. Garret stared at them a moment, concentrating as hard as he could. Girl pants. Lily's pants. Finn had to wear them. Finn. Finn without pants, a bare, naked ass strutting across his kitchen. And he had looked, and.... Oh crap. It finally hit Garret what had happened last night, and why Rorie wasn't in bed this morning.
"Craaaaaaaap," he groaned, his sneakers popping broken bits of glass on the floor as he went over to the coffee maker and switched it on. Broken glass, a sure sign Garret had thrown something. In drunken anger. First, he would make coffee. And then he would think about how to fix this.
Rorie had walked a while. Probably a few miles as a slow pace, just so he could work things out in his own mind. How was he going to be around Finn, let alone Garret? His husband was apparently in love with his brother and. . . It wasn't fair! It was never fair! It was almost 4 AM when he got back and everyone was passed out. Instead of going to his room, he ducked into Max's old room and stayed there. It had random toys and drawing material and kid's clothes still in it because he thought Max wouldn't want him to pack them up unless Max was the one doing it or told him to. So, he stayed in the giant beanbag that was in the corner. It was comfortable enough that he could curl up and fall asleep easily.
The next morning he was awake fairly early, only 5ish hours of sleep, and just stayed there. He wanted to stay there and hide from everyone else. He heard Finn and Lily leave before Garret finally got up. Rorie wondered how long he could stay up there without being noticed. Maybe he should just stay in this kid's room forever and pretend he's a power ranger and could save the world in a spandex suit. It felt like it might be easier than going down stairs, so that's what he did. He stayed in Max's room, waiting for Garret to get his shit together for an explanation.
After coffee and forced breakfast and washing his face and changing his clothes and brushing his teeth, Garret's brain was in working order and he could actually think properly. And what he first thought was Where the hell was Rorie? Standing in the bathroom, Garret closed his eyes and sought out his husband, who was a lot closer than he had anticipated. He'd almost expected Rorie to be halfway to Canada by now.
Waling slowly, like a man on a death march, Garret went to the bedroom that was never used, that Garret had almost forgotten was there. He thought about knocking, but if he was standing there then Rorie would already know he'd been found, and he probably wouldn't willingly allow Garret inside. So instead he opened the door and stepped in, lingering by the doorway. "Hey," he said hoarsely, leaning against the door as he closed it.
Rorie had cried and kicked and punched random things on his walk, so he was a bit sore, but nothing really phased him right then. His keen ears picked up footsteps and figured it wouldn't take Garret too long to find him if he really wanted to. When Garret opened the door, Rorie was in the bean bag, almost being eaten by it. He had tired, bloodshot eyes from crying and lack of sleep. There wasn't a lot of energy to be had. No screaming or yelling or throwing things. Rorie was resigned, because in the early hours, after being angry a thought struck him. It was his own fault.
He had been the one to fuck off on Garret and Finn during the mob thing and they didn't have anyone besides each other and. . . Garret was probably seeing it as fine since Rorie had pretty much screwed things up with the mob. It was Karma or payback or whatever. This was his atonement for that whole fiasco and he'd just have to suck it up or Garret would get pissed and throw the whole thing right back in his face.
"Hey," he said, not looking at Garret, his voice barely a squeak. Rorie didn't know what to say or how to act, so. . . He just went belly up submissive and let Garret call the shots.
Now was the time for Garret to tap into that public relations mindset of his, to do what he did best- talk his way out of trouble. Rorie didn't even look mad anymore, he just looked sad. Like he was waiting for Garret to tell him that he would choose Finn, and this was over, and he was leaving that night. That would only make this harder.
"So I just..." Stopping, Garret sighed, and decided to scrap the suave. To instead just speak plainly. Because regardless of how he spun this, he was still the one hurting Rorie. "I'm not going to apologize." That was the start, and probably the most controversial part of this conversation. "I won't be sorry because it's not like I planned on this. I didn't choose it. I mean I... it's not... I couldn't have stopped it any more than I could have stopped myself for falling for Mal... or you." If Garret could control his own heart, he would still be with Lloyd. "And if you don't want me to talk to him anymore, or see him, I'll understand. I won't argue it and I won't fight it, but I just need to say that I'm one of the only friends he's got, and I don't think that anybody understands him like I do and if you take that away from him... I don't think he'd stick around much longer. And I'm not saying that to guilt you," he added hastily, "I just... don't want you to forget that." This mess didn't just affect Rorie, it affected Finn as well, and that was another conversation for another time. If Rorie allowed Garret to keep his friend, that was.
"And I need you to know that nothing happened between us. I know that it doesn't sound likely... I know I'm no angel, but..." Brushing his hair off his forehead, Garret exhaled a slow breath. "I wasn't going to tell you. I wasn't going to tell either of you, because it didn't matter. I never wanted you to find out because nothing was ever going to happen, and you don't have to believe it but it's true. There were so many times when I could've, but I didn't. I wouldn't." With a pause, and another sigh, Garret folded his arms. "I guess that's all I have to say."
Listening to Garret, Rorie didn't feel mad or better by the explanation. He didn't really feel anything other than just. . . Sad. "Okay," he said softly, still not looking at Garret. Rorie was tired, of everything. He was always sharing and he kept having to give more of Garret away almost everyday and he just wasn't sure if he was what Garret wanted anymore. He didn't want to fight, he didn't want to go to Mal and vent, he didn't want to talk to Finn, Rorie didn't want to do anything. He wanted to hide from everyone and thing and become invisible again. It had sucked to be the one the no one looked at, but at least he could just have himself and now he wasn't even sure he had that.
"Kay," he said again, not real sure how to have this conversation because he didn't know how to put into words what he wanted to. Rorie had known Garret would sleep with other people, but he didn't think he'd fall in love with other people too. It was almost too painful to even say out loud.
Okay? Was that really all Rorie was going to say? Garret watched him a moment, waiting for more, but it didn't come. "That's all?" he asked finally. "That's all your going to say to me? Rorie, what does that even mean? Are you okay with it, are you not? Do you want me to give you space, or... You can't just say 'okay'. I mean you stormed out of here last night, obviously you feel something..."
Standing up after a moment, Rorie rubbed his face. "I'm tired." It was all he said before sighing. "You said it yourself, you can't help it, so why should I try to control it? I need some coffee," he said, walking past Garret and to the kitchen in a slow, shuffling walk. Rorie had classes today, but if he got the notes from a fellow classmate he'd be fine. He'd done good not to miss any classes, if but a few. It was the only bright side he could think of right then as he made more coffee.
This couldn't be right. Rorie was obviously upset, but he was just resigning himself to this life. That couldn't be how things were supposed to go. Following Rorie down, Garret tried to think of a proper argument, and also how to address it without making himself sound like the victim. He had screwed up, he didn't get to feel bad about anything right now. Even though seeing Rorie's face, and hearing him so defeated was just about breaking Garret's heart. "So what happens now?" he asked softly, lingering in the doorway and giving Rorie space. "Do you... want me to go away for awhile?"
"I don't know," Rorie shrugged as he grabbed a mug along with the sugar and milk. "We do what we usually do on a Monday. Go to school, go to work, come home, eat, sleep, start again on Tuesday," Rorie said. "I don't care. You want to, you will, you don't then you won't." That was how it pretty much was. If Garret wanted to do something he would do it, if he didn't want to then there was nothing you could do to make him.
This was just... Garret didn't even know what to say. He couldn't tell if Rorie was so angry that he was shutting him out, or if he was too hurt that he really didn't care. It was hard not to react to this, to shout at him or demand an answer, demand to talk. Taking a deep breath, Garret clenched his fists at his sides, settling himself before speaking. Shouting wouldn't get them anywhere. "Okay," he said simply. "That sounds fair. I'm gonna go upstairs and pack a bag, and I'll find somewhere to stay for awhile. And if you decide that you miss me, or wanna see me, or... whatever... then we'll deal with it when we get there. And if you don't, then we won't. But the thought of staying here in this house with you just... completely indifferent... there doesn't seem to be a point."
"That's right. Leave and put it on me. It's my fault you left the first time, it's my fault you kicked me out last time, and it'll be my fault this time as well. That really puts things in perspective for me Garret. I'm sorry I'm being an asshole right now. I'm sorry that I'm mad that you're in love with my brother, I'm just gonna say I'm sorry for everything that has happened and will happen because it'll be my fault. It will always be my fault, so keep your clothes here. I'll just leave since I can't help, but screw up," Rorie snapped before leaving to go up stairs and pack. He left the everything where it was, ignoring Garret for a moment. Of course it would come down to that and it would turn around to be Rorie's fault. He should have seen it coming. What made it even worse was that even after everything, he still loved Garret so much even if all he was doing was hurting right now.
He couldn't not be angry anymore. Try as he might to control it, Garret had a very low breaking point, and Rorie had reached it. He even tried to just stay in the kitchen, to let Rorie walk away and let him go and not say anything, but he couldn't. He ran up those stairs, into the bedroom, grabbed Rorie by the shirt and slammed him hard into the nearest wall. Lycan powers or not, Garret was still strong and he could make Rorie bleed if he had to. "What the fuck do you want from me??" he demanded. "Just tell me! Rorie, for fuck's sake, I don't know what to do. I'm the one that screwed up, I'm the jerk, I'm the one that can't make you happy and when you look like you're just resigning yourself to some shitty life with me just because you love me... that's what Lloyd did. And look where he is now." Letting Rorie go, Garret took a step back. "I don't know what to do. I don't know what you want from me. I don't know how to fix this, I don't know how to make it better, and I don't know why you insist on blaming yourself for everything. If being with me isn't making you happy anymore... if this relationship isn't what you wanted just... just fucking tell me. I can't figure this out if you just shut up and don't say anything."
"Because that's what you do! Down there in the kitchen, you made it sound like I was this horrible husband that makes it hard for you to not screw up! That I was being unreasonable in just wanting to not talk about it right now and just do our thing! I'm sorry that I feel like shit right now because you picked Finn!" Rorie shouted back after Garret let him go.
"They always pick him. Always," he said, taking a deep breath as his body threatened to sob. "I have to share everything with him and sooner or later you're gonna want to be with him more than me and then. . ." He paused to take another gasping breath as tears started to roll down his cheeks.
"It is my fault. I fucked up with the mob and you two just had each other and. . . Is that why? Do you just not want me anymore? Because it's too hard after what happened and he's just easier to be around?" Rorie said, trying to breath and not hyperventilate. Garret had told him once that he'd never leave him and he'd done it several times since then, so to have him tell Rorie that Finn and Garret would never happen wasn't something Rorie was counting on.
For a very long time, all Garret could do was stare. And stare. He wanted to make Rorie feel better, make him stop crying, remind him to breathe, but... he couldn't. He was still shocked. "Are you out of your fucking mind!!" he shouted finally. "Easier to be around?? Rorie! Jesus Christ, if I had a dollar for every time I wanted to kill that smug little fucker, I'd be a multi trillionaire!" He really didn't mean to be shouting, but the shock of it was... Rorie's view of this was so completely off, Garret couldn't even comprehend it. "This isn't about the mob, or what you did or didn't do, it's not... it's..." This was really a conversation Garret had never wanted to have, and having right now was making his brain hurt more than it already was.
"Do you want to know why Finn? I mean, do you really want to know what it is about him?"
"Why?" Rorie croaked as he just finally let it out, sobbing. "Why Finn?" By the end of this he would be surprised if he didn't end up on the couch for the day with a massive headache. It just hurt. Like a slap in the face because Rorie got too happy and had to be reminded that Finn was more important than him. It was how it had always been, so to assume that was why Garret was in love with Finn, probably wanted to be with Finn, wasn't such a far off stretch.
"Because he's an asshole." When it came right down to it, that's all there was. "Because Finn screws up, and people hate him. Because he's a villain." Sighing a little, Garret ran a hand through his hair. "You're never going to understand what it's like to have people think you're just... to just be wrong. All the time. And I know," he said, putting a hand out, "I know that I make you feel wrong sometimes.... Okay, maybe a lot... but you're not wrong. You're always right, and you're always just... People love you, Rorie. They come to your side and they hug you and care for you and they glare daggers at me for making you cry. You're like this perfect being in peoples' eyes who can do no wrong. And Finn's... not. He gets it. He gets how it feels to walk down a hallways and know that when people are whispering, it is about you. And it's not good. He knows what it's like to see someone you love more than anything and just completely destroy them. And... it's nice to have someone who just... gets you. Without having to try." Of course, whether or not Finn understood Garret didn't matter. Finn wasn't interested, he never would be, and Garret had accepted this fate months ago.
Sniffling, Rorie listened. It made sense. How they bonded that way. That didn't make it hurt any less though. Maybe. . . Maybe he did need space, but he was scared that if Garret gave him his space then he'd just decide to leave because Garret thought Rorie didn't want him anymore. At the same time, it would just grate on them both. "I don't know what to do about this," he whispered. "I. . . Don't. I'm scared and not sure and it's just a big mess." Tears still running down his face, Rorie just stood there feeling lost and like a pile of shit.
The problem with this problem was that there wasn't really a solution. Garret couldn't just switch off his emotions to make Rorie feel better, and Rorie had every right not to feel good about this. It was just a mess, a mess that Garret had tried so hard to not let happen.
"I can't help it," he said softly, actually ashamed that he couldn't fix this. He always fixed things for Rorie, but not this. He hated himself for even letting it be a problem. "I can't stop feeling like this, but... you have to know that it's you, baby. I picked you. I mean... I know that there's nothing there for him. He doesn't see me like that, he's never going to..." Garret's face fell, a sadness clouding his eyes that he did his best to hide but couldn't. Regardless of who it was, it still stung to know that what he felt would never be reciprocated. "But even if he did, it would still be you. I'd be here with you, and not there with him."
"Promise?" Rorie squeaked, feeling another bout of tears coming on as he took a deep breath. His entire face was red and puffy and he couldn't help it. He wanted nothing more than to go to bed and curl up to Garret and pretend none of it happened. Granted the upside was that Finn didn't love Garret back, that didn't take it away for Garret. Rorie wanted to hide away from the world, buried under the covers with Garret and just sleep like they used to, but. . . That probably wasn't going to happen. Nothing was like it used to be.
"You promise it's me?" He needed to hear it. After so many years of people dumping him for Finn, he just needed that reassurance.
"Rorie," he sighed, shaking his head. "Of course I promise. I married you. I've always come back to you." Maybe if Finn was ab;e to be a part of this problem, to contribute, things might be different. Garret couldn't say for sure. But as it stood, he was pretty certain that he would keep Rorie regardless. He and Finn could connect in a way Rorie couldn't understand, but Finn couldn't give Garret a purpose. He couldn't make Garret feel needed like Rorie could.
"I think... I should go stay with Mal for a little while. Just take some time, give you some space."
"Okay," Rorie whispered, starting to hiccup from crying so hard. He didn't like it, but Garret said he needed it. Whether or not he wanted it didn't matter right then. Garret was leading, as usual, and Rorie was following behind. He hated having Garret leave. It scared him shitless because he never knew if Garret was coming back or not. Across the yard or to Boston or Baltimore, it didn't matter because Garret walked out the door and he could change his mind so easily and quickly without a tell. It made him sick because he felt like the one that screwed up. The one that made the mess because he couldn't just go along with anything and everything and that he was losing the man he loved. He was just terrified.
This was hard for Rorie, but it wasn't only hard for Rorie. Things were going to be awkard for awhile for them both. Besides, Garret was mad at himself, and when he felt self-abusive, he sought out Mal. He could get bruised and beaten and it would still be in love, but he'd be hurt just the same. And he deserved it for this.
Leaving the bedroom, Garret went downstairs, stepping over the bottles and glasses and broken glass and leftovers scattered all about. He went to the front door, but not through it yet. Instead, he grabbed his keychain, and took the Mustang key off its ring. For a moment he just looked at it, debating, but decided that this was necessary. Garret was aware of his flaws, he was aware that he was the kind of man who could leave without a second thought. He did it all the time. But he wasn't leaving this time. He brought the key upstairs, going to Rorie and holding it out for him.
When Garret left the room, he thought that was it. That Garret was going to Mal's right then and that would be the last he saw of him for a while. It last only the half a minute that Garret was gone though. Seeing the keys handed to him, he stared at him confused before taking them. They were the Mustang keys. "Wha. . ." He started before it clicked. Garret wouldn't leave without the Mustang. Ever. He loved that car more than his own life. Probably more than Mal and Rorie.
Garret wouldn't leave Rorie with the Mustang if he was leaving. He'd take the care, but he wasn't. Holding the keys tightly, Rorie took a deep, shaking breath. He held them in his hand before looking at Garret, unsure of where to go from there. [22:08] milesfromstart: Rorie understood. Garret smiled, closing Rorie's hand around the keys, and then keeping hold of it as he stepped a little closer. "I'll be next door," he whispered, and dared a soft kiss on Rorie's lips. "Take care of her for me, hm?"
"Kay," Rorie managed, actually wanting more than the soft kiss, but kept it simple and as sweet as it could be. "I will," he said, trying to keep it together before Garret left. God, all he wanted to do was just sob and beg him to stay, but it was probably for the best that he went away for a few days. Didn't make it suck any less.
This was for the best. It had to be. Rorie could think about this, if he really wanted to be a part of a marriage where he had to compromise himself and his wants so much. If he could handle the thought of his husband falling in love with other people. Garret could think about losing Rorie, about how he could fix himself, make himself better. Someone worth being married to. Reluctant, Garret let go of Rorie's hand, leaving his car keys in that hand, not wanting to release them (both Rorie and the car). But he did. He turned and left again, grabbing his jacket as he walked out the front door, crossing the yard and letting himself into Mal's house.
Letting Garret go, he waited till the other had left the house before he let out a sob. It hurt, so bad. It didn't matter that Garret was going across the yard for a few days, he was leaving. Taking the keys and putting them in his bedside drawer, he managed to sit on the bed and calm himself down enough that he was able to get a shower, change into one of Garret's old t-shirts that was almost like a dress on him and laid in bed, a cold rag over his eyes. It was all he could muster. Just doing those small things before getting in his and Garret's bed to made a semi-permanent nest to hide in for the next few days. That was his plan. He wasn't leaving the house till Garret came home. That was his coping method and he didn't care if anyone came over to try and drag him out. The doors were locked, so they were welcome to try and fail. It was how Rorie felt right then and probably would for a long while.